Thought I would update. This is actually for me and I apologize i can't link my previous threads. If somebody could do that it would be great. My STBXW moved out 9 months ago. I am in the process of selling the house, one because its a lot of work and two for financial reasons. Our two sons will live with me 100% and our daughter approx 60-70%.
My STBXW has not relented in her quest for freedom, independence etc. She was always a stubborn, headstrong, loving, giving,woman wrapped up in one package. But the quest for independence away from all she once knew has really come to the surface in this WAW/MLC journey.
Having been through an MLC myself I have learned quite a few things. Because I do love her her I have let her live this journey herself. Although I get frustrated sometimes due to her actions I can step back and realize there is nothing I can do or say to change the dynamics of the situation.
It was hard yesterday to watch pieces of your history picked apart and packed up and taken away. But I did it so I could feel it(it did hurt) and to accept this is my situation as it stands this moment.
My STBXW is pushing for divorce. I won't stand in the way of the divorce but will not do the work to make this happen. It is not my choice to break up our family.
I'll give my stats below in case it can't be linked.
M-45 STBXW-44 M-22 T-28 S-20, S-17, D-13 Moved out 1/1/11 Start of change - 6/2009
I don't want to be judgemental in this post so if it comes off that way let me know. When I came to this site 2 years ago I came to save our marriage. I think a lot of us did. I still think our marriage is worth saving. For everybody involved. Me, the kids and for her.
I can't and won't make that choice for her. She really has not looked back.
I do have a life outside of our marriage which this site has definetely helped. I am on my way to total acceptance of the situation. I think I have done a good job of letting go of the situation and concentrating on what I have. My life as a single Dad and my life in general.
Acceptance is difficult journey especially one you didn't expect to take.
Since I am a former MLC'er who did make it too the other side. That is my opinion only. I just know it. I can't explain it other than that way and would like to know any other MLC'er who made it through would describe it the same way.
secondly, I think very few people who enter MLC are equipped to handle such overwhelming stimilus to there systems. That is why the bizarre about face behavior is so prevalent. It can take years of this behavior for many people to finally look inward and understand what this journey is meant for. Thats why I think marraiges are not saved. My wife is one of those that I think will have a difficult time looking inward. I do accept that as a truth.
This site definetely has it right that you need to concentrate on your life. Becoming a better person through an exteremmly difficult time in our lives and our spouse life.
I want to thank all who share there stories here. Life is precious and it is definetely not a straight line.
Been thinking about you lately. Looks like things have not changed much, so hang in there.
Nothing much new on my end. Have now detached completely from W. Kids were sent to grandparents for last 8 days and come back tomorrow night. No contact with W / completely dar. I now believe all my "positive" interactions with my W this summer were only confusing the situation. Better just to go / remain dark. It is necessary for many reasons. First, it hurts too much afterward to see her, exchange pleasantries, and watch her walk away. I don't want to continue to be reminded of the life I lost. Second, she really does need an extended period of time alone and so do I. Time to assess the paths of our lives without the distraction and stimulus of these interactions (going out to dinner with the kids, inviting her to have a glass of wine when she stops by the house, etc.). And the final reason is to continue to GAL, to get used to my new life as a single dad and as a future single guy, but don't quite yet understand any of this.
These may be sad times, but there ultimately has to be some positives.
Regarding your request for insights to other MLC'ers reflections, this is an email sent to me from a former neighbor who left / entered MLC (I now believe) 5 years ago, abandoned his wife & 3 kids, they eventually divorced, and now he has little to show for his new life and freedom ... Thought you might find this interesting.
The advice you gave me without judgement, is really the only advice I listened to. I went through it and came out the other side. I made the mistake of jumpinginto an instant rebound relationship and never took the time to get over it. After I blew out the relationship with the chick in Texas, I took a job in Corpus Christi and was by myself quite a bit. I went to mexico every other weekend or so, drove up the beach and camped, thought and then started the process. I drove south toward Tampico and camped, gulf breeze blowing, listening to Buffett and it gave me peace.
I think it's great that you guys are just separated and I remember how you two were together in our block parties (Which I miss by the way) I always thought you two were great friends as well as good together. I am saying this not to give you false hope, but feel that it is a phase she is going through.
She is holding on to the independence she probably remembers the last time she was single, it's a whole different scene now. I'm not writing this to depress you, but there will be a void in her life, the absence, the quiet. This is something she is not probably even anticipating.
We are not talking about our feelings kind of guys, just know I went through it an know her point of view and have seen the entire process.
Peace Haole.
The picture is where I spent the Dia De La Muerta In Matamoros.
MLC World, Thanks for checking in. I think you would be wise to distance yourself so you can heal. I won"t tell you i never think about my STBXW but it gets easier the less there in your life when they are in this place. That life doesn't exist any more.
My almost adult son talked to me the other night about his mom. he said Dad"My Mom is dead to me" She may be walking around but she is dead to me.
I mainly listen and validate his feelings and tell him she is your Mom and is in a place in her life thats difficult.
the amazing thing is she will tell her sisters that there relationship has never been better. That shows you the disparity in us as humans when one loses there way in this manner. Things that make you say wow.
I will be there for them. I hope the other two aren"t thinking the same way.
Have you ever asked your other sons what they think?
There is a game that can be insightful when played with your kids (adults or not). It's the "Ungame". Has led to alot of insight and understanding in my world.
Grace, I have one other son 17 and a daughter 13. My S-17 has been a tough kid to handle. In trouble a lot. He was tough before my W went MLC/WAW but became more so after the fact. He hates her. I can't say it more clearly than that. The problem is as we all know on this forum that hate eats at you and so it's no different with a S-17.
My D-13 does not say anything about it. We have a great relationship. I have brought it up in passing conversation but nothing that comes out of it is substantial. I don't know the repercussions down the road but we all know psychologically everything you see as a child has an effect on you in some way. Hopefully with some of the guidance she has received she will be OK. I make the time with me as safe and secure as I can. I have her roughly 60-70% of the time. When she is with W she is pawned off to whoever so the W can hit the bars etc.
Tell me more about this game. Thanks for reading and the support.
