I haven't stopped by here in a long time. My heart aches for you. You were so supportive of me. You are a brother I have never met. I will pray for you and your boys. God give you strength.
I am so very very sorry for your loss. You have received such good advice and support. I'm very glad to hear people are looking out for you and your boys.
You cannot blame yourself for this but I know how hard it is not to. I think writing down the good memories with your boys is a wonderful idea. I volunteer at a grief camp for children every year and something we always do is write a letter to their loves ones to burn in a big bonfire. I know when my sister died my mother wrote letters to her for years. I also did that when a close friend committed suicide in hs.
I cannot fathom the pain that you are in. You are a fighter and survivor. You are an amazing man. Please do not forget this.
country; not sure about details, i am open to anything. im confused though. trying to figure things out here.
Take care everyone. im doing ok.
miss her so much. just not feeling her presence is wierd.
i acutally dont feel her here anymore. is that possible?
my best friends had a great time tonight. i was in and out of the party scene so to speak. no drinks for me whatsoever and i wont drink throughout. disrespectful in my eyes. jmo
good night all.
9 pete
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
I hope your friends are taking care of you and that the boys are doing as well as can be expected. Cling to them and let them cling to you. Praying you find rest tonight.
country; not sure about details, i am open to anything. im confused though. trying to figure things out here.
Take care everyone. im doing ok.
miss her so much. just not feeling her presence is wierd.
i acutally dont feel her here anymore. is that possible?
my best friends had a great time tonight. i was in and out of the party scene so to speak. no drinks for me whatsoever and i wont drink throughout. disrespectful in my eyes. jmo
good night all.
9 pete
9,
IDK what others have written as I'm pressed for time.
But a grief class I took taught me that eulogies have a purpose other than someone "losing it up there", & I've given a few, & seen many. The purpose of a eulogy is to
-Honor the departed, and
-Comfort the living...
You honor your w by talking about her, with specifics like the WII story and what she was like when she was at her best. Why you fell in love with her. Her traits, quirks, qualities, history, etc...
THANK HER for your sons and the good years you had together and what you learned from being m to her...including the tough lessons...
It's alright to acknowledge that she was a "complicated woman" and that she had her struggles...
(or else they'll feel you are glossing over the "real her" rather than explaining the
upsides of her and all the good you have seen)...
but you close on a note SHE would want you to close on, something for you and your sons to take from it, that comforts...
There may be some who want meaning from her death
(and maybe there is some, e.g., get the tools for whatever ails you, emotional problems are just as deadly as physical, etc.)
But I wonder if the primary focus ought to be instead,
on her life & how she lived, when she was living well...
Public Speaking-- Take notes up there when you go...
As practiced as I am at this, I never do any public speaking without at least an outline, preferably more. (Ask Denver).
Take deep breaths and let them out when you speak...take your time. No one will rush you.
What you have to say is important enough that you want to retain as much composure as possible. You want the people to know these good things about her.
If you do "lose it", no one will worry but REMEMBER that since
you want them to know these things about her... make it about
honoring her and comforting them...
(and avoid thinking about your loss for just that purpose & time)
AND
you'll do FINE
God, I hope this helps in some small way...
Hugs again
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Im so very sorry to hear of your wifes suicide...I have been reading along ( Iv'e read your stich from the beginning. )
You are getting amazing support from this group, this is a great bunch of people. Please continue to post, journal, rant, vent etc.
It seems so sureal when you lose a loved one to suicide......and once again please dont blame yourself, stay strong for your kids. Youv'e been a wonderful father and will continue to be their rock.
One thing I want to touch on ( My father and 4 other family members have committed suicide over 3 generations resulting from a combination of mental illness and alcoholism ) so I do understand the full range of emotions you are going thru right now. The real WORK will start after the funeral, after the goodbyes, after all the commotion..when everything gets quiet, everyone has gone about their business, is when this is going to hit you like a freight train. Please take people up on their offers to help ( you will know the ones to turn to ) including this loving family here on DB.
My thoughts and prayers are with you today and into the future.
I don't know the laws or customs there, but where I live the spouse is considered the next of kin, if there is no legal divorce. Her family needs to allow you those rights. Of course, I know you will consider their wishes also.
I have gone to many funerals down through the years. Sometimes, we try to do what's best for our children, and we think we are protecting them from shock or drama by keeping them away from the deceased. I can't remember if your youngest son went to his grandmother's funeral or not. But, if he wants to see his mother, his request needs to be honored. However, he needs to be prepared (if that's even possible) b/c it will be a shock.
The newspapers where I live gives the date of death and location. Her birthdate and name of parents and her survivors. Some people submit a picture. Date & time of funeral and location. The funeral director should be able to help with an obituary.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
one factor is how your wife looks right now. Does she look like she's "her" but sleeping?
If there's a problem with her appearance, ie she looks way different or somehow is more physically damaged, the boys could be frightened so then forget it. Have a coffin with photos of her on top and at the "reception" later, if there is one, have a ton of photos in an album
(an ambitious computer friend could scan the pics in if possible--it's like a slideshow on the computer-just a thought)
AND if she's been to the funeral home and appears to be in the sleep way, I feel as if that whatever negative effect may occur, it might still be outweighed by other things.
For one, It enables the young to conceptualize her departure.
I lost a childhood friend in a car accident in college. The parents cremated her immediately so that at her funeral there wasn't even a coffin to "see" or say goodbye to.
At least 3 people asked me if they were "sure it was Janet who died"... And That disbelief, is traumatic too.
I suggest (but defer to YOU to decide, so factor in what you can....)
letting them in to see her privately, beforehand, from several feet away
til they're comfortable enough to approach, if they get to be,
(and not pushing them if they're not) is a good idea, imo Their resistance should be respected, but they deserve the choice.
WHEN is the funeral?
Oh, and let those who wish to share a vignette or detail or story about her speak before the whole ceremony ends, so people can share
and say their goodbyes too.
Do you have a pastor/priest speaking too?
I find my belief in God and the resurrection someday, to be VERY comforting at this time.
IF you're not a believer, maybe you could still let your boys hope?
SIGH...
wish there was more we could do...
please keep posting and let us know what's going on.
WE CARE...
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
