I had a very interesting conversation with my H the other day and I wanted to pass along some of the things that he said. For those of you not familiar with my sitch, we were married 16 years with one daughter 14 when the bomb dropped in January of 2010. Like most, I never saw it coming. My H was a completely different person, and I was lost and confused and totally devastated. He moved out in March and by June, he had started a relationship with an OW. I started posting on the DB boards in July. In October, he said he wanted to “talk”. And thus started a journey of having him back in my life. He eventually moved back a few months back in May. You can find my threads here if you’re interested.
The fortunate thing about my H is that he has always been open minded and has never been afraid to look within himself and see that he might be wrong. I don’t claim to have a “healed” marriage and I don’t know what the future holds. But the other day, we had an emotional conversation which got him musing about his time away and about how I lived my life without him. This is what he said.
You showed me that you didn’t need me in your life. And you showed me that you were enjoying your life without me. And it STUNG.
I found that to be a very insightful and very interesting statement. And totally in line with what the theory is here on the boards. Too often, especially early on, the LBS is in such fear, and often think that moving on with their own life will send the message to the MLCer that they don’t care. Listen to the words of an MLCer. The best thing you can do for yourself is to live your own life. I didn’t exclude H, but if he wasn’t going to be around, I wasn’t going to wait. There are no guarantees. Your spouse may not return. You cannot bring them back, but you can certainly drive them further away. The other thing he said was
You said all the right things. You were calm. You never got angry with me. You never guilted me. You never used D against me. You were always fun and interesting to be around.
Again, this is exactly what is promoted here on the boards. In fact, it was a silly little conversation we had prior to his traveling a few hours away to work (and I found out later to see OW), that really sparked his reversal. It wasn’t always easy to seem chipper and pleasant. Especially after having a hard week with D with no help, taking care of the whole house and yard, and not hearing a peep from H. But at the same time, when I DID see him, he often looked quite bad and I could see at times, just how much he was struggling. It was then that I felt sorry for him and thankful that, although my life was not how I wanted, at least I had my sanity.
I hope this can help some of you who are unfortunately finding yourselves here. I am not a success story but a work in progress. But I won’t be a success because of getting my marriage back, but I’m a success because I found myself in the process. I became a much better person. I went through some tough self evaluation and am so much happier with the person I’ve become. THAT, is the only success that CAN be guaranteed on these boards if you work towards it.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Alb - First I want to let you know that I am genuinely so happy for you - you sound really good and in a much better place.
As I read your post - I found myself doing what I shouldn't be doing - comparing it to my situation. You know "didn't I detach enough?" / "didn't I go on with life and smile and keep the family going?" If I can answer yes - then why didn't MY XH see that? Why wasn't that appealing enough to him to come home?
I have these moments where I do feel better - where I feel as though I have gone through some healing. Then there are moments - my daughter getting engaged / the death of a friend of both my XH and mine - where the overwhelming loss and sadness of my best friend - completely derails me.
I drive myself crazy with the constant self questioning - what did I do wrong? What should I have done differently? How did I not see this? Was I stupid? Somebody - ANYBODY tell me how or why this happened! The exact SAME questions I have had for the last 15 months.
I do know for sure that reconciliation is not a smooth, glorious path. The self-control and total commitment that is required to be vigilant about what is most important in life is overwhelming. However, I do believe that if accomplished - at the end of your time - you will have accomplished something quite noble and amazing.
Thank you for sharing your path. It brings hope back to light for many...
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Albuquerque Thanks so much for sharing this, it is fantastic insight and a great reminder. I was feeling frightened this morning and I really was able to shake it off. I am heading out with some friends now to enjoy this beautiful Saturday. I really appreciate this post! And so happy for you and your H as well.
As I read your post - I found myself doing what I shouldn't be doing - comparing it to my situation. You know "didn't I detach enough?" / "didn't I go on with life and smile and keep the family going?" If I can answer yes - then why didn't MY XH see that? Why wasn't that appealing enough to him to come home?
IB, you already know those are silly questions that have no answer. The main reason why is that, my H didn't start to "wake up" because of me. He started to "wake up" because of HIM. HE instigated his own change of thought. I was fortunate because he, like I mentioned, is the kind of man who isn't afraid to think that he might be wrong. Some MLCers are too filled with anger, or fear, or rage, or sadness that they don't do anything but run. And since they were not happy while WITH us, they know nothing other than to run AWAY from us. When happiness doesn't pan out for them, some will start to reevaluate. But some continue to run, hoping beyond hope that even though they haven't found that elusive happiness, as long as they keep running they're bound to find it. In those cases, there is nothing for the LBS to do other than let them go. Maybe in time, years later, they'll reevaluate. Maybe not. But until then, they aren't truly capable of a healthy relationship anyway. Don't beat yourself up about not doing enough. As is said time and time again. WE can't fix them. WE can't heal marriages. WE can only work on ourselves. And IB, I think you're doing an amazing job.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Alb, although he did not wake up because of YOU, when he did wake up, your actions helped make him come back to you. had you blamed him, guilted him, used D against you he might not have come back.
Of course we all can't help but compare our sitches, and I have done all the above and have seen how it can push away the WAS all the more. Although my H has never left, I can see that the emotional distance between us has grown so much more after I have done all those.
Thank you so much for sharing, keep on doing so. You are an inspiration to many!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Alb - I do know what you mean. I read a quote that said something like "God didn't leave you. XH left God." I keep having to re-direct myself. I think the news of my D's engagement has sent me a little over the edge. So sad that i am not sharing this with my XH. I miss him more right now.
Anyway - you Alb, are amazing and I love reading your progress!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Thanks for posting this and I am so glad you have kept us posted. I think we all have a hard time remembering, the MLCer has to do the work, we can't do it for them.
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
ALB, just to chime in our your post: I heard very similar words from my H this past time he returned to me. One night a few weeks back he said to me "that he realizes I was moving forward and healing and taking good care of myself" and he was in so much pain and so afraid of loosing his best friend ever. He told me he realized then that "I was his girl". Slowly my H and I are reconnecting again. Lots of bumps in the road - but I am proud of the path we are on. I am learning not to freak out over those bumps and to act as if and then they dont seem so bad. Peace, TIPPER
