Living in the trenches....Thread #5

[Molly V.]

Hi 25, I answered your questions on my post "help me please" feedback and advice appreciated!!!!

Thanks, Molly v

[MrBond]

I agree with 25yrsmlc. It's time to change the dynamic. You don't necessarily have to threaten her with D, but maybe you can change the way you interact with her.

[Navyguy]

Well, here I am...in the same place I was in a year ago....lying alone in "our" bed, after crying in the shower for about 20 minutes.

Things have been pretty terrible for the past week or so. I feel like a punching bag. W has slept downstairs the last few nights. She has no time for me...and seems to be making it a point to treat me horribly. Acts like im wasting her time anytime i say something, Yet today she spent about 4 hours on the phone with friends & her mom. Boy that made me feel special.

I don't know what's causing this this time around....honestly no clue. W says shes stressed from school, and that is true...but i dont see why shes treating me this way just because of that. She didn't finish an assignment last week. She was really upset about that. She has been drinking pretty heavily...she went through a handle of rum in 4 nights last week. No wonder she doesn't finish her homework. God forbid I tell her she's drinking too much.

I've tried talking to her about it. Tried explaining to her that she's being mean to me...and it got turned back on me. I made her "feel worse and was making it about me". Then i got the "we are still not in a good place and I only came back for the kids" line. That was followed by various wrongs I committed over 5 years ago. Same conversation we were having 1, and even 2 years ago. She refuses to move on.

I started taking it down the "you really aren't doing me or our kids a favor by living this way" path...but I changed course before telling her that she either needs to start working to save our marriage or start working to end it. I just can't bring myself to say something like that knowing it could cause my kids pain...and despite all this there is a part of me that still loves her very much.

I am stuck. I don't know what to do next. I feel like all I have left is to leave or kick her out...but I still do not want to be the one to end this...and that will probably keep me here in purgatory until she makes a move.

Well, good night everyone. Sorry this isn't better news...but to end on a good note, I took my kids swimming today for about 4 hours and we had a great time. They are so so so so great.

[greenblue90]

Navy
Your W is depressed and medicating with alcohol. She's in too deep to be objective.

It sounds to me like she is too afraid to make a call. So she is riding out limbo until you make the call for her or until she finishes her degree and is able to be independent from you.

Unless the status quo is ok with you, I recommend you at least start demonstrating to her your frustration.

I believe that at this point in the game she has a compelling reason to stay, but is too stubborn to admit it. I say you ratchet up the pressure.

When is your next PCS?

Maybe you could tell her that she needs to make a decision by the next PCS either love navy or not.

I can see you are hesitant to lose her, she knows this and uses it to walk all over you. Let's face it though in the last year you haven't had a W in your house more like an irritable room mate.

I've been recommending a blog lately, its aimed at helping guys take back their sense of worth in the relationship. Check it out, it's helped me.

Marriedmansexlife.com

The guy uses a lot of naval analogies too which you might enjoy.

[Navyguy]

Just woke up and I have a text from W's friend telling me to back off from W and that W is at her breaking point.

[Oneeleven]

Navyguy: I know I will catch flack for this but at this point I can't help but wonder - are you being an enabler to your wife?

She has been given no motivation to change.

Depressed or not. Self medicating or not. She needs to wake up and work on that.

And the fact that she is obviously telling others of the situation - making it seem like it's your fault? I don't even know what to say to that.


Imho... I think now she needs to fall on her (face) own two feet. Then she can really see what 'reaching the breaking point' is all about.

I don't mean to sound harsh. But as a past substance abuser (from the age of 12 to 25!) I didn't wake up and find a proper solution until I *HAD* to. Until my face met pavement.

[Redo]

Hi Navy:

sorry to hear about the new development man.

I have been following your sitch from the beginning and was really hoping that things would turn around for you guys. I still feel that it can happen. I personally feel that this is no way to live in a relationship. Both of you are suffering here. When this happens too long, only bad feelings and resentment breeds there.

Right now i am in your situation. But it is a lil different. Wife and I are going to a counselor. Yes my W used to talk the same way your W did. She was way to caught up in the past and hurt that she just could not move forward. But it should say that by going to the counselor she is getting the feedback of a 3rd person which i think it helping her see the light. Personally i too have reached a point where i cannot put up with any more drama. Nowadays i dont push my feelings inside. I let her know (in a calm adult manner).

Navy i'll be honest. I don't think the status quo will work for you. It surely will drive you to depression.

I feel that your wife needs to understand that even if she just 'came back for the kids', she will need to go counseling to have some kind of civil relationship with you.

[kolja]

Sorry to hear it, navy. I've been pulling for you, and taking added inspiration since my wife decided to take a job a few states away. I'm not mental health expert but it does sound like there's SOMETHING going on, and hopefully your wife (and mine) will come to the realization necesarry to get the help she needs - but in the mean time, take care of yourself FOR yourself and the kids.

[Denver_2010]

Hi Navy. Been a while. Sorry to read that you've had a setback with your sitch. We are 2 of the very few original "BITS" still standing... and sometimes I'm not sure that that is such a good thing.

Not sure if I can give you any good advice. I will try in a moment. First I want you to know that I feel your pain and frustration. After 15 months, I'm still working on my sitch too. While I've made progress, I still have setbacks. Had a huge one at the end of January that resulted in me not having any contact with my W and telling her that I no longer could see a path forward for us. I went on a trip and didn't mention it to her. She happened to text me while I was gone and freaked out that I had left town. The night I got home, she sent me a text message telling me that she had found a marital retreat and is trying to decide whether or not she can be open to going. She was wondering if I would be interested in going. She has begun individual counseling because she is so conflicted emotionally. There are positive steps, and it is clear to me that she is trying.

BUT, like I said, there are still setbacks. While we see and/or talk to each other, she still lives in her own place and our interactions remain 'awkward' (in her words).

I tell you this because you and me both have been at this so long that it HAS to be natural for us to be almost out of gas... almost to the point of throwing in the towel. I was close after this most recent setback. I printed and completed divorce paperwork. I would have filed it had it not been for 2Stepboogie and Lost and Scared. I still feel that I am at the end of my rope, and will probably make a move March or April if things do not progress significantly by then.

So, in some respect, I understand what you are going through.

If you are not seeing any effort on her part, and you are not seeing progress towards reconciliation, then what you are doing is NOT working. We always need to remember that the number one rule of DB is DO WHAT WORKS... and don't go down cheeseless tunnels. I try to remember that.

I am not going to advise you to do anything terribly drastic here. But you do need to change it up. I actually think that, in some ways, your sitch is more difficult than mine because you are actually in the same house as your W. But you can do things that will demonstrate your frustration and give her a glimpse of what life may be like without you. You could go on a trip by yourself, go stay at a friend's place for a weekend and have some fun, start going out more, be less willing to try and start conversations, be less willing to do things for her to help her out... you can still try to detach yourself from her. Maybe some of this will cause her to wonder and cause her to move closer to you. Right now, she has no motivation or need to do that. She knows what you want, ie, her, and she knows what you don't want, ie, her not divorcing you. There is no fear that her actions will have consequences.

I think that you should take her friend's advice and back off... WAY off. You don't need to do this in a mean or vengeful way. In fact, when she asks what is happening, which she will, you can explain to her in a loving way what you are doing.

The bottom line man is that neither one of us can force our W's to feel like they once did for us. It has to be something that they figure out on their own. And it is possible that that will never happen. At some point, we will need to make our own decision to continue on DBing, or cut bait.

For now, don't give up, unless you are truly ready of course, but try something different... look for that something that works... something that will get her to put forth some effort. The status quo has not demonstrated itself to be that thing.

You can't repair this marriage by yourself. You, like me, were able to stop the train to divorce from speeding off the cliff, but we cannot fix the marriage now that it remains hanging on the ledge. It take two people, and right now, your W if not pulling he wait.

I'm still pulling for you Navy. But back off this thing for 10-14 days and then reassess.

That's my 2 cents.

Take care Navy.

BITS
Denver

[25yearsmlc]

Navy

so sorry to hear this, but not shocked I guess...don't know about the w's bf texting you to back off...why not call her and ask?

(I mean does the "breaking point' mean breaking your ba!!s is okay too? you DO get to be happy and treated well someday right?)

As Denver says, you have to do something different.

Not sure what that means but I heard the "Power of Now' author talking the other day about bad painful situations we feel "stuck" in. What to do?

He said it so simply yet it still hit me as being profound.

Either you leave the situation, you change it, or you accept it.

If you leave it, so be it. That is one option you have and you at least know SOME things will improve.

If you accept it, it means you accept it with serenity and peace

NOT w/sadness and regret and because YOU FEAR THE ALTERNATIVES...

and then, there is the "changing it" but we know

that only means changing YOUR reaction b/c you are all you control.

At a minimum you have to change how you react to her and IMO...to ME, you seem too accomadating, regardless of her bf's words.

Sure take Denver's advice (i mean that) but when you reassess, if nothing has improved

I suggest you really make a different choice and stop the waiting game.

She is not going to make the move in a healthy way...she wants you to do it.

Life is short and your kids' childhood is passing. Is this what you want them to recall?

Do right by your kids and that's all anyone can ask for.

Do you have a T or a DB coach?

They can be so helpful and specific.

Your wife is stuck and I don't see her getting unstuck...unless you consider breaking down to be that.

But how is what's going on NOW, so great for your kids anyway?

Sending you prayers and best wishes

((( )))