Possible WAW to Piecing? (Part 2)

[♪CS♪]

rh, it is said here "don't sweat the small stuff"

This stuff was TINY.

And it caused a blow up for absolutely no reason.

Sure your W didn't have to make such a big deal of it.

But YOU only control YOU. And YOU reacted just as poorly.

So do better next time.

[MHL]

Okay, still don't have time until later but you seem to be on now.

actions, Actions, ACTIONS........for both you!!!!!

You need to stop talking so much.....if she initiates great.....tell her honestly how you are feeling and then when she tells you how she is feeling......LISTEN and VALIDATE.

You need those 2 words tatooed to your forehead!!!!

Don't worry about what she says with regards to leaving, getting a D or anything like that........

Her actions speak louder than her words.....

She said the end of June and when the kids are out of school.... right?????

LOOK at the calendar dude........kids are going back to school in a couple of weeks!!!!!!!

That doesn't sound like she is doing a whole lot....HUH?????

Now stop jumping up and down.....you got a long way to go and you flat out got to do better than you have been doing.

I wish that one of my good friends had come up and smacked me in the face when I was where you are at........you keep things up the way you are going and you are going to make it worse.

I did........I got spun out of control, UP , DOWN , efffing Crazy and I lost it like you did last night except worse.

Last night was not good.....you backslide......accept it and get over it, learn from it and move forward.

Also I don't want to hear anymore of this VVVVVVVV.

I feel like that's the end of it all. I guess I see soon enough.

That is the wrong mindset and will get you nowhere.

every little thing that does not go as you EXPECT then it is the end for you.......

That is what having Expectations does......

EXPECT NOTHING........then you will not be disappointed.......

I have gone back and read a little and you are making some good changes.......that is good but stop pointing them out to her.

Also make the changes for you not for her.........

example.....

you did not do things around the house......right????

Well now you are doing them so that she will notice or that is her love language........right????

Well you need to go a step further........Make it a part of your skin!!!!

In otherwords..... It bothers your wife to have these little projects undone around the house.........

EVENTUALLY it needs to bother you that there are things around the house that need to be done, therefore you are motivated to do them for you......not her.

Otherwise your changes will not last and she will see right through them.

If you have really changed you will not "feel" the need to point it out, it would be redundant....you are who you are.

I would put that in Latin if I had time.....:D.

More later.....

Cheers

[rh24]

Yeah, it was not cool of me...I was about to drop the discussion, but THEN I realized...I missed the opportunity to ask her how SHE felt about what I had said. Then I thought - OH, I ALMOST MISSED THE CHANCE TO LISTEN AND VALIDATE HER! And that's when I pushed the conversation past her breaking point and she got up to go sleep in son's bed, I followed and BAM.

Stupid. Should have been listening/validating from the get go. Another lesson learned - I spent a chunk of time yesterday reading 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' and it was talking about stopping my approval seeking behavior. THAT is what I was trying to accomplish with the discussion, and of course, it made her mad because I wasn't bending over like I almost always do.

I feel like I need a game plan for tonight.

D has a back-to-school thing from 5-6pm. I REALLY want to go. Son has soccer practice at either 5:30 or 6 and I have to volunteer at our soccer tournament from 6-8pm.

Right now there is no plan with W around this and I'll need to leave work very soon if I'm going to D's school thing.

Wondering if I should call or just show up?

Also - it's good I won't be home until later, but I plan to sleep in our bed and hope she does too! Guess I just assume that's the case, get in bed and see if she joins...OR if she gets in bed first, just get in too.

[MHL]

Stupid. Should have been listening/validating from the get go.

Not stupid, you're just on a learning curve.......stop beating yourself up. You are looking at everything you are doing and saying as if you are directly impacting the outcome of your marriage.

Forget about your marriage......that is the best way to save it.

I am not trying to be cryptic but you have to detach from the idea that you may end up divorced.........I am not saying that it will happen or won't.

It is unknown........

The thing you have to KNOW is that YOUR life and YOUR happiness will go own no matter what.........you need to find YOUR life and YOUR happiness outside the marriage.

You are not happy becuase you are married.......you should be happy first.....then you are a "happy person" that is married.

See the difference???

Wondering if I should call or just show up?

What would you do for a friend???

IF you would call a friend then do it.

Everything is not a life or death decision.

and if she is upset that you called, fagitaboutit

Also - it's good I won't be home until later, but I plan to sleep in our bed and hope she does too! Guess I just assume that's the case, get in bed and see if she joins...OR if she gets in bed first, just get in too.

There is an expectation up there.

Expectations lead to disappointments.

Disappointments lead to hurt.

Hurt is pain.

Pain for you is not good because you do and say things that don't get you where you want to be......

sooooooooo

Drop the expectation.....

Hope this helps

Cheers

[rh24]

Thanks MHL - very helpful!

I got home before they left to go to school. Saw W and said 'Hello', got total iceberg silence in return. I went upstairs to change clothes and when I came down they had all left for school.

I went to school too - didn't want to miss D seeing her 5th grade room and meeting her teacher. W was surprised and a bit crappy - at one point she looked at her mom and rapidly shook her head in disbelief. I stayed cool - asked a few questions of W and D about school stuff. Then we left - I told kids 'bye' and left for my volunteering shift.

I just got home a few minutes ago. I am NOT going upstairs until I'm sure she's asleep, then I'm going to try to slip into bed. Cowardly? Sure. Smart? I think so!

I'm hoping if I can just stay out of her cross-hairs tomorrow that things can MAYBE start to calm down for Saturday when our kids have a combined 4 soccer games and W and I are doing a volunteer shift together in the evening. On Sunday, MIL leaves. That's good b/c it's been stressful on W having her here, BUT I hate that most likely she's going to be leaving on bad terms with me after last night and that may never get repaired.

The last thing I said to her last night...which I thought was GOLD at the time: MIL said, "There better not ever be anything physical happen to her." (meaning I had better not ever hit her - she's hit me before, nothing serious, but I have NEVER hit her at all and never will!) And I responded, "God, no. And if you could see inside my head - you would be in talking to HER right now instead of me." (which what I meant was 'I have nothing but the best of intentions.' Not sure how she took it.) ANYWAY...

[rh24]

Update - so I waited until almost an hour after I thought W would be asleep to go to bed.

Got upstairs, crept in the bedroom, found W in center of bed sprawled out and my pillows on the floor. I thought for a second about trying to slip in on the very edge of the bed, but thought better of it.

Ended up sleeping on the floor next to the bed. Maybe not the smartest move physically for me, but at least we slept in the same room - it was kind of a symbolic thing for me. W had to open, got up at 4:30am - normally I get up with her...not this morning though! I waited until she left, then jumped up into bed for 90 minutes of comfort.

W and MIL are supposed to go out tonight. I'm planning to be in bed asleep before she gets home. Wouldn't surprise me if she flat out told me in advance to NOT be in our bed, not sure how I would respond to that...where's the listen and validate opportunity there?

Also - thinking about getting a card for MIL and writing an apology for two nights ago. Would like to try to end things at least on a 'not sour' note.

[♪CS♪]

Maybe not the smartest move physically for me, but at least we slept in the same room - it was kind of a symbolic thing for me.

I think you're barking up the wrong tree here man.

[rh24]

I'm open to suggestions!

I do NOT want this latest incident to end up with us not sleeping in the same bed as I feel that would be a big step backwards.

W is pissed - she's an injustice collector and I've just given her another one to add to her list. And yes, she has actual written lists of my injustices!

I'm trying to stay out of her way to give her time, space to hopefully cool down. I apologized two nights ago which of course she scoffed at.

What tree should I be barking up? Just keep staying out of her way as much as possible, give her space, focus on the kids, and be upbeat, confident when I am around her?

[♪CS♪]

Just keep staying out of her way as much as possible, give her space, focus on the kids, and be upbeat, confident when I am around her?

Agree!

So how does "sneaking" into bed with her fit into this?

[MHL]

but at least we slept in the same room - it was kind of a symbolic thing for me.

First, I think you need to be sleeping in your bed, in your room, do not move out.

I do think that you made the best decision you could make last night.

My bigger concern is YOUR detachment.

You are so focused on HER, and your Marriage........

actually hyperfocused......look I get it.....

I was there.........I spun out of control one day when my W said that she was bacically done but was going to see what God had in store for us.....she said some other things that really fired me up and I threw her out of the house, bad scene.....me throwing her stuff out in the yard, the cops came, basically a big mess, just because I lost my cool.

Now losing my cool was just the symptom of the larger problem.

I was not detached......I was exactly where you are right now....

spinning out of control, hanging on ever word she says, every action she or inaction she took.

What I did not realize is the TIME factor involved and how long I had to really just do nothing but focus on ME.

Step back for a minute, look at your sitch. Back in March she said she was going to do something in June.....right????

So, what has she done.......nothing, that is progress my friend.

MWD says it in DR and DB over and over again.....PATIENCE......like huge, ridiculous amounts of patience.

Start looking at the positives not the negatives.......

As for tonight.........go to bed at your normal time and don't say anything else to the MIL.......just let that sleeping dog alone. If your W says something about it, tell her you thought about apologizing but did not want to further agravate things.

I would give your W some space, but do not give up the bedroom. If you have apologized for the other night then that is enough, do not bring it up anymore.

I would "expect" her to be cold towards you for a couple of days and then warm up a little but you need to be focusing on YOU.

Find a project around the house and pour yourself into it. Sounds like you guys have a normal busy kids sports schedule, that is actually good.

Do stuff with your kids, not just go and watch them play the game but throw/kick the ball with them.......for fun!!!

Take them to a good ole' summer blockbuster movie, go to the pool do stuff with your kids.

Be the best Father you can be and work on yourself. Look in the mirror and if there is something you don't like.....do something about it. Put on some extra pounds.....get your butt to the gym, clothes are a little out of style......go get some new ones, projects around the house to be done......get them done!!!

All those suggestions have nothing to do with your marriage.......however by doing them you will have the best chance at saving your marriage.........

Why?????

Because you will be working hard on improving YOU and when you improve YOU then you will feel good about YOU.

When you feel good about yourself, you will be more confident, more satisfied, less cranky,........basically you will be happier.

Your wife sees through your PMA attitude because you are doing it to have a direct effect on your marriage. That feels like pressure to her.

Make sense?????

I am not saying don't have a PMA.....I am the king of PMA just don't over do it.

Tell us more about you.......I said something about being the guy at the kids sporting event that is that loud obnoxious guy yelling at the top of his lungs or something like that????

Tell us more about that stuff..........I do not want to bring you down here and it sounds like you are making some changes......however it is so you can get something you WANT.....

and that is your Marriage.

It would be much different if your marriage was not in trouble and you wanted to change these things.

This is where the rubber meets the road........you start making changes in you without regard to what your W says.

Forget her for a moment.........What do you want to change about you?????

What are your Dreams????

What are your Goals?????

Who are YOU now??????

Who do you want to be?????

And BTW.......when you have your big epiphany (and you will) don't go running to her to tell her about all the things that you have discovered about yourself and all the things you are going to do........just do it. (Hmmmmmm, where have I heard that before??? )

Hope that helps.

Cheers