First "real" interaction!

[Lonely Room]

Hi there!

My wife and I are separated for more than 7 weeks now, and during that time we only exchanged emails a few times about practical things. Two Fridays ago I texted her asking if she wanted to have a chat over Messenger or if she wanted to meet. She said yes to the Messenger chat, at some point, and said she wasn't comfortable with meeting yet.

Last Friday her younger sister told me that my wife is having some problems with her computer. I offered myself to help online, but I was about to leave work and could only do it later. They also had stuff to do, so, we left it that way.

Yesterday afternoon I was logged into Messenger after gym and noticed my wife logging in and changing her status to "available". She doesn't login for a couple of weeks now, and before that she was always with "busy" status. So, I contacted her.

I said hello, asked how she was, she said hello back, asked how I was. I said I was great, although my broken rib still hurts a bit. She asked what happened with my rib and I told her the funny story about it, she laughed!

She said she's proud that I'm doing so well after what happened between us and with my mum's cancer, I smiled and asked about how she has been doing. She said there are times when she's really happy and times when she's really sad because of memories. She mentioned she still finds it very difficult to talk to me.

I tried to change the conversation out of the relationship, asked her what was wrong with her computer, she explained and I started to fix it.

During the time I was remotely fixing her computer she mentioned that things between her father and her are still bad (they stopped talking because of our separation), I mentioned that I always kept out of the problems between them, but that they should approach each other and try to talk. She said she tried that but that he made some chat and turned his back on her. I wished that things get fixed between them.

I was also very upbeat, genuinely not made-up. I've been feeling good lately and have hope in the future with or without my wife. This is giving me safety to enjoy life. I made her laugh many times, then when I fixed the computer I told her I had to leave because I was having dinner with friends and seeing a film. She wished me a good evening and sent me many thanks and kisses, I replied them.

When I was watching the film with my friends she send me a text thanking me again and asking me for more help with the computer. I said that I don't mind to help and that we can do it next time we're both online. She sent me a thank you reply and wished that I sleep well!

I feel very happy with this interaction. We kept talking for almost 2 hours and there wasn't a single bad moment or quirk. Sometimes it even felt like in the beginning, when we met.

But I don't want to have any false hopes, because just recently I got clear indications that my wife is still convinced about us splitting and planning her future without me.

From my point of view, this interaction can mean two things:

- My wife was annoyed by the computer and really needed help, so, she approached me. She might think I'm moving on well and that a contact like this wouldn't do any harm.

- My wife is trying to approach me somehow to test the waters, because she's not 100% about leaving me.

What do you guys think? How do you think I should proceed from now on?

Thank you, regards.

PS - sorry for the long post.

[sandi2]

Just speaking for myself, it would be easier if you stuck to one thread longer.

[Lonely Room]

Sorry Sandi, I had the feeling that the other threads were "overpopulated" and that this subject was a bit off their topic. Next time I'll try to be more conservative with my threads! Regards.

[Lonely Room]

Hi again,

I've been thinking more about what happened, and I really shouldn't have any hope. First, because the safest approach to protect myself is to assume the worst. And the worst is that my wife really needed my help and doesn't have anything in mind. Second, because all other indications that she gives me is that she really wants to go ahead with the split.

She did mention in the beginning of the conversation that she felt uncomfortable by asking my help, she felt like she was using me. I said that there wasn't any problem, that I don't mind. And I don't.

So, I will continue with my DB'ing, I'll continue moving my life forward without her. Do you guys have any other advices?

Thank you!

[~ kd ~]

Good noticing....

When my W asked me for tech support the first few times, I gave it... like it was some "peace offering" and besides, I generally like doing that... but in many ways, I was enabling her... not allowing her to miss me...

So I stopped helping... of course, not as a tactic, but with expectations that she would begin to notice how I DID help in regards to the home and family...

And... she figured out how to get along without me... she found others to fill the voids of support that I filled...

So it bummed me out. I thought to myself, "great, she's just avoiding acknowledging my worth" and further avoiding the damage that our path is going to wreak...

In the end, I have no idea what she was thinking or whether she has been dealing with any loss from our dying M. Nothing I can do about that.

You will need to make the final decisions on what you do from this point forward. Some of the things that MIGHT work for you is following the LRT as much as possible. Reread that section in DR, it begins on page 124.

Detach, GAL, and... try some more 180s... without speaking to your W about it (asking for a temp check from her), be very observant about her future actions and attitudes... believe none of what she says and only 50% of what she does... and make slight adjustments to course correct if you can determine that something you have been doing is being harmful to the sitch...

My motto became...

"If things weren't exactly as they are right now, the future would be so much different."

If you weren't here, working on you, you could very well be D by now. If you weren't here, doing the introspective work on yourself, you may inadvertently allow yourself to re-enter an unhealthy M if the opportunity arose. You know better than that.

There is a HUGE value to exactly the way things are right now for you, and if you are willing to grow from your sitch, it is only from that position that your life now has the potential to be SO MUCH BETTER than it would be, if things were different than they are now...

[Sad_but_happy]

Space LR, Space...

Last October my W told me that she was having an EA and wanted out of the M. This after I had wanted out for years...

I of course did all the wrong things, begged, pleaded, gifts, for about 1 month. And then began to question if I really wanted my W or if I just wanted to win her back because I didn't want to lose to OM.

I stopped all the begging and crying and talking about R. But I did set the boundary that she MUST STOP SEEING OM... No if, and's or buts... And she stopped right away! Had she not stopped I was ready to kick her out of the house. Because I refused to be disrespected. And I checked EVERYTHING for months. Keylogger, phone, computer, checked her work, texts, EVERYTHING. One slip up and I was DONE...

My W is now fully committed to the M and things are back to normal. It took several months... Lots of change on my part. But here's the interesting part. I changed back to who I was before I dsconnected from my W. I changed back to the person I had always been. The person I had lost when I detached from my W years back.

And I again am questioning if I want to stay married. Because SHE has not made many changes at all. Or very few. Even today I wonder If her telling me she found OM was the best exit I had. Not because I didn't want to stay married but because my W suffers with many issues that flow over and makes it hard for the kids and I to be around her.

Trust me when I say that I'm not playing games. I sooooo want to make my M work but my W has many issues. And the same issues that made me want out of the M than are making me question if I want to stay now.

We really don't NEED our S. And the sooner we realize that the better we will be. Because it's our own fears that keep us holding on.

You will be fine with or without her LR. Just as I will be fine with OR without my W. Not because we have to be fine but because we WILL be fine.


Because new experiances are great!

Because meeting new people is great!

Because learning about ourselves is great!

Because you and me and everyone on this board is great!

Because life is great!



Stay strong LR

[Lonely Room]

Kaffe Diem, I don't know what to say. Thank you. Your post touched me so much, specially the last paragraph.

I am a different person. If I knew what I know now 4 years ago, my life would be very different right now. I probably would have never met my wife in the first place.

I never believed people when they said that shock and trauma can change you dramatically. That if you survive them, you typically become a better, stronger person. But you do, it's the truth. My approach to other people and relationships completely changed in the last couple of months, it's as if I am living a different live. But how do I make my wife see that? Or do I even want to?

Thanks to my strength, to my friends, and also thanks to DB/DR and this forum. These are days that I will always remember for the rest of my life.

Thank you!

[Lonely Room]

Sad_but_happy, thank you!!! This is probably the most inspiring things I've read in this forum. Thank you!

We are the directors of our own happiness. When we start depositing that responsibility in other people or things, that's when problems start to arise. Because we can't 100% control people, or money, or houses, or cars or whatever. And if we deposit our happiness on them, it means we can't 100% control our happiness.

Thank you!

[Lonely Room]

Hi there,

I'm starting to get hope again, and I don't want that to happen. It makes me feel good sometimes, but it also makes me feel bad when I start thinking about my wife and I getting together again, I start missing her, wanting to go back in time, etc.. I much prefer the stability I have achieved in the last couple of weeks, where not a lot of hope was present.

So, I need your help to organise my ideas and get on track again. I think I'll start with a little brainstorm:

How am I feeling now?
Sometimes I'm feeling happier than a few days ago because I have more hope in fixing our marriage. But other times it feel worse, because I think more about my wife, I miss her more, I regret about the past, I wish we were together, etc..

What changed?
We had a few "warmer" interactions last week. Then, she asked for my help to fix her computer, I helper her and we had a nice online chat where we both made each other laugh many times. I was very upbeat, jovial, sometimes probably a bit too "big headed". Later that evening she texted me asking for more help and I said that wasn't a problem and we could do it when we're both online again. She sent me a "thank you" and wished me a warm "sleep well".

What information did I obtain from the chat?
My wife mentioned she's proud and happy because I'm doing so well. She also mentioned that sometimes she feels really happy for being separated, but other times she feels sad when she thinks about our good memories. That she still finds it difficult to chat with me, and that she was afraid of asking my help because that might look like she's using me.

What else changed?
Nothing. Actually, even one week ago my wife commented with friends that when she's over our split she plans to date again, find someone else.

What might be happening?
She might be having doubts about our split. Or she might just be thinking that I'm moving forward and start approaching me as a friend. Or she might just be using me for her benefit.

What's the safest approach for me?
To assume that my wife just needed me to help her fix the computer and have no more hope than before. But I should be receptive to her communication attempts, without showing too much interest or being too rush in jumping into conclusions. Keep GAL'ing like I have, keep looking for new friends, keep taking care of my body and mind.

So, in my opinion the corner-stone here in having no more hope. But I am having more hope, and I don't know how to stop it because I just feel it. Do you guys have any good advice regarding that?

Thank you very much, regards.

[Sad_but_happy]

Hi LR,

I know how difficult this is. I understand the pain, the regret, the wanting to turn back time.

But you can't... Nor should you want to...

We are the sum of all our experiences... We are who we are because to what we go through. What we live through...

You were not alone in the destruction of your M, so you alone are not the only one at fault...

It appears to me from your post that you are...

Guessing too much...

Thinking too much...

Assuming too much...

Hoping too much...


Db'ing comes down to one single point. The whole book can be sum'ed up in one word...

LIVE!!!

Live for you... Not for anyone else...


Getting there is amazingly hard, but arriving there is amazingly amazing!!!


Stay strong LR