Tad, I think that what's going on now is testing you, in a way. I'm not saying she is deliberately testing you, but in a way you're being tested, for one reason. Go back and see that within the past two weeks, she sang a very different tune with you--one that was filled with venom and accusations. Now suddenly she's calm and collected and willing to talk nicely.
The reason I say you're being "tested" is that this COULD be progress, or it could be part of the MLC script, and I don't want you to get too caught up in her recent niceties and think this definitely means she's on the road back to you, because they do this sort of thing, MLCers, all the time.
I don't want you to crash again--and I say this because at about 8 months, after a long period of anger and accusations and very callous treatment from my XH, a few things happened that shifted my interactions with XH where he was being friendly. We had some nice long conversations on the phone or email, just about the house or jobs or whatever. And we were getting along. But pretty soon, I realized that I was taking a lot of "hope" from how nice things were that he was coming back, and when a week or two into this, I got the divorce papers, I was crushed beyond belief.
I guess my advice to you is consider how volatile her behavior is, and take it with a grain of salt unless or until it becomes something permanent and is NOT accompanied by things like divorce papers and such. Be happy that she is being nicer and that you're talking, but don't assume that it means anything. For an MLCer, the "everything is normal" face is a part of their world just as much as the venom or accusations. "Getting along" helps them feel like they didn't destroy the marriage, and they are all about hiding from their guilt.
So just be careful...
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Guess what? I got the job! I don't start for a few more weeks, but atleast I have something to look forward to. It's way different from what I used to do (radio dj), but I really don't care. I have no regrets about giving up my radio career at all. As I've said before, I think that whole lifestyle helped play a big role in the marriage breakdown.
Antonia, I completely see what you are saying. I will be very careful. As of right now, I have no expectations. I have hope, but not expectations.
Yesterday, W asked if I would let her no how my interview went. I don't know if she was genuinely concerned or had some other motive, but I told her that I would.
I sent her the following text:
Hi there. My interview went well and I am now employed. I won't start for a few more weeks though. I still have to take a psycho test too. Keeping you posted like you asked. I hope you have a fantastic day!
No response. Then again, I am not surprised. Like I mentioned before, when we have good interaction, she pulls further away. It confuses the Hell out of me.
Oh well....
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Right on Tad. I hope this job change is exciting and gives you everything you need.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Thanks everyone. Even though I don't start for a few weeks, it is nice to be part of the work force again.
I'm in the dumps again.
Damn it!
I just had the following text exchange with W. Still can't figure out why she hates me so frickin bad.
W: Did you total up your personal property?
M: Yes. I will send it to you tomorrow. Are you going to let me know your personal debts like I did for you with mine?
W: I will give it to you tomorrow after I check my student loan balance.
M: Ok.
W: I thought about all that we talked about yesterday and all that has happened since Sept. (FTR-I didn't know she was leaving until Oct.) Also all that has happened good and bad over the last 26 years. I will not be delaying the divorce. Sorry.
M: Ok. Thank you. Can I ask why you can't forgive me for whatever I did?
W: I told you a month ago that I forgive you. (Then what is the problem?) It is late. I am going to bed.
M: Can I call and talk to you really quick?
W: What about?
M: Our conversation yesterday.
W: I am really tired. I haven't felt good all day.
M: Ok. That's fine. Why don't you feel good?
W: Stress. This whole mess has affected my health in many ways. I need it over. I have practically bled to death over the stress. My stomach has been upset since we talked yesterday. I've had a headache since we talked yesterday. My hair falls out from stress. I can't sleep over it. I could go on. I skipped bootcamp today because I was just so tired.
M: I'm sorry. I do hope that you feel better soon.
W: Thanks. Good night.
M: Talk to you soon.
W: Okay.
She is done. Obviously, she is completely f*cking done and I can't do a damn thing about it.
Sure would like to know why she hates me.
Damn it.
Here I go again.....
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Still can't figure out why she hates me so frickin bad.
Tad, I know you've been told this before. MLC=confusion. Their actions make no sense because they don't make sense. You CANNOT understand crazy. You will become crazy trying to understand. STOP TRYING TO UNDERSTAND. It will not help you in ANY WAY.
In talking with my husband, they are lost and confused in a storm of confusion and despair. They don't know what the hell they're doing, thinking, saying etc. They don't make sense. Period.
Originally Posted By: tadpole1025
W: I thought about all that we talked about yesterday and all that has happened since Sept. (FTR-I didn't know she was leaving until Oct.) Also all that has happened good and bad over the last 26 years. I will not be delaying the divorce. Sorry.
Again, you are dissecting her every statement. She is confused and their memory is crap. She is lucky she remembered the general season that things happened. My H can forget entire conversations in less than 24 hours. It can be maddening.
Originally Posted By: tadpole1025
M: Ok. Thank you. Can I ask why you can't forgive me for whatever I did?
Initiating relationship talk. BIG no no. Consider this a 2 x 4
Originally Posted By: tadpole1025
W: I told you a month ago that I forgive you.[/b] (Then what is the problem?)
More wife talk dissection. How is this working out for you Tad?
Originally Posted By: tadpole1025
M: Can I call and talk to you really quick?
W: What about?
M: Our conversation yesterday.
ANNND...MORE relationship talk.
Originally Posted By: tadpole1025
W: Stress. This whole mess has affected my health in many ways. I need it over. I have practically bled to death over the stress. My stomach has been upset since we talked yesterday. I've had a headache since we talked yesterday. My hair falls out from stress. I can't sleep over it. I could go on. I skipped bootcamp today because I was just so tired.
How are these talks working out for her Tad? The more you dissect her and push her to talk, the more you continue to drive her away.
Originally Posted By: tadpole1025
Sure would like to know why she hates me.
Until you stop asking, you won't find the peace you're looking for.
(((Tad)))
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Like I mentioned before, when we have good interaction, she pulls further away. It confuses the Hell out of me.
TAD first of all congrats on the job.
Now the above statement. Have you read the pursuit and distance thread?
What you are saying above is classic pursuit and distance. You move closer to her, pursue her and she pulls away. Sometimes it is just the sound of our voice that is seen as pursuit by the MLC'er. So what is happening above should not confuse you, it should start to make perfect sense.
M: Yes. I will send it to you tomorrow. Are you going to let me know your personal debts like I did for you with mine?
W: I will give it to you tomorrow after I check my student loan balance.
M: Ok.
Tad, this conversation should have ended right here with you saying something to the effect that you had to go because you had something else to do.
You asked for this convo and you got it. Just know that if it had been a different day or time the words from your W may have been different because MLCer's are emotion driven.
Your W had only one day to process what you two had talked about the day before. Why, with all you've learned, did you feel that you had to go and push it the very next day?
Lay off the R talks. They will get you no where. LET HER GO. She has to figure all this out on her own. If there was ever any chance for her to miss you it is not going to happen with you being ever present.
You keep giving her reasons to justify what she is doing. You are leaving her no room or time for doubt to creep into her fogged up mind.
Remember, you can't speed her MLC up, but you sure can slow it down. Tad, stop getting in her way.
Keeping you posted like you asked. I hope you have a fantastic day!