Hello, Sorry about this long story, I've been accumulating too long.
This is the first time I'm posting my story. I have read several stories here and feel a bit better knowing that I’m not alone. My WAW is a wonderful person and just happened to not be able to tolerate the life we were living for the past couple of years. We’ve been married almost 6. I'm in my late 30s and she is almost 30.
In the beginning I was able to provide mental and financial strength, which I’m sure was very attractive about me. I lost my job, got fed up with the corporate world, found an artistic way about me with support of my wife and we started living a financially uncertain, pretty much a bohemian life style. We sold our condo, moved around a bit and settled in a city full of crime and uncertainty, but full of artistic people and inspiration.
I haven’t been the most successful person with my art, but I loved doing it and she was always very supportive of it. I only have a part time low-paying job and my wife had to pull most of the financial load, including working out of town, which put a stress on our relationship because of lack of physical presence between the 2 of us.
We never had issues with making love or caring for each other. I always encouraged her artistic passions also. The thing that happened was that I was growing a bit insecure with the whole situation (partially because I couldn’t fully provide for the family). She was getting fed up with where we were living, with my insecurities and with not moving toward having children. Most of her friends are now having kids and I’ve been putting them off until we were in better financial situation. Plus, we don’t even have health insurance.
The biggest problem that I see now, though, is the way I started handling things. I would correct her actions too much, became negative and all of the other things that come with insecurities.
She left about 7 weeks ago took her stuff and left the rings with a note that she is leaving me.
At first, I was in a complete shock and tried to stop her by leaving voice and emails. This lasted for about 3 weeks. Then, my messages became shorter and I was just telling her that I loved and missed her. Then, I couldn’t take it anymore (because she stopped communicating with me) and I went to see her at her relatives several hours away and just tried to tell her that I didn’t want to be in her way of doing what she wants to do, but wanted to tell her that my heart belonged with her.
She cried a bit and told me a few things that bothered her, but thanked me for everything I’ve done for her and said that she wants a divorce, but wants to wait a couple of months. She also said that she wasn’t sure about what she was doing. I didn’t argue and just said that she should do what she wants, but to just take care of herself. She looked very lost and as if she wasn’t eating or sleeping much. I looked about the same, but I tried to be calm and to compose myself, as hard as it was to do.
Since that time we’ve had very little contact and it hasn’t been that good. She would say that it was hard on her, but that she was moving on and for me to enjoy my life.
One of the last times we communicated was over email and she told me what she wanted in life (I asked her that several weeks ago in an email as well). She said that she wanted children, house and all of the security-related things. She also apologized for not toughing it out with me all the way. The last thing she wrote was that she was not coming back to the city where I am now, that she is moving on with life and was going to stay with her family and get a job (in a different state) and asked me to bring some of the things she forgot to her.
I don’t have family in this country, but have been here for many years and have many friends. I waited almost a week to respond to her email. It was painful, but I knew I couldn’t respond while I was in so much pain. Finally, I responded with understanding that she couldn’t wait anymore and thanked her for the patience that she had. I said that I wanted the same things and I wish I could just make them happen right away (implying that it’s not that easy to do immediately). I also told her that I was going to visit some of our friends close to where she is now in about a week and that I would bring the things she asked for. I concluded that maybe we could meet for a quick breakfast or lunch and I could give her the things or I could just leave them at the friends’ house and she could pick them up later.
The hard thing about all of this is that I’m pretty far away and we are almost not communicating. She can’t really see any differences in me. There are not too many I’ve made, but I’ve read the DR book, started exercising and have been going to IC for about a month and learning from people on this forum how to not be a doormat (that I was for the first 3-4 weeks).
OK, W just called a few minutes ago to chat (as I was writing all of this). It extended into a pretty long conversation about her and I, but not about the R. We came close to talking about it, but didn’t. I tried to sound OK and so did she. She mentioned how hard it was at first (like someone died) and I said that I understood 100%. She talked about how she applied for new jobs and so on.
She also said that she didn’t want to upset me, but that she didn’t think she was going to go on a trip that we planned several months ago to see my family and other part in Europe. The tickets, visas and everything has already been paid for. I told her that I’d really like it if she went with me, but it was up to her to make the final decision. (stupid me said it a couple of times instead of once). She asked me if I still worked at the same place and I told her that I was and was going to work more. She asked if I was coming this weekend to see the friends and I said no, that it’s next weekend. I told her that she could come over to the friends’ house in the evening or we could have breakfast or something. She didn’t say anything. We talked about other things, family and friends.
Stupid me said that I wish I could do things over and she didn’t say anything. I was testing the ground, but dropped that conversation immediately after she was silent for about 5 seconds and I started talking about something else.
Eventually, I said that I needed to go get something to eat and asked her if she was eating and sleeping well. She said that she was getting better. She said she was reading my messages from a while back (my “please forgive me messages” after-shock messages) and wanted to call me and see if I was OK since we haven’t talked in a long time. I told her that I was better after the initial shock and she said she understood and that she was in a shock also. I said, I understood. Then, at some point, I said that it was all good (I don’t even know how or why it came out).
After a couple of more phrases about basic things we said our good byes and that was it.
The conversation was very calm and pleasant, but now I’m in pain. I guess I was hoping for a bit more out of her. She said that she was staying where she is. I told her that many people where I am were asking about her.
I guess I’m just still not able to deal with the fact that we may not reconcile the M. Man oh man, it’s painful and complicated.
So, what do you recommend about proceeding with trying to meet her next week when I go see friends? I plan to spend the night at my friends house and they are planning a BBQ the day I get there. Should I invite her to the BBQ (where there will definitely be some drinking also) or stick to asking her to breakfast or lunch next day?
And what do you recommend I do about the trip to Europe?
