YOU cannot possibly work on YOU, focus on YOU, or begin to deal with YOU........
UNTIL
YOU distance YOURSELF from HER.
I will tell you this.....you are in for some more BIG TIME PAIN.
The more you interact with her the more you will expose yourself to her craziness.
THINK about the basics......forget the diagnosis for a moment.
TIME.......no matter the SITCH.......they all take time.
If you are right and she is MLC, (IMO she IS) then this is going to take TIME......right.
What is your best course of action right now for YOU??????
BTW you can still do a forensic of what happened, what you did or did not do, what she did or did not do, the furniture, holding her back, her inability to be creative......all that
HOWEVER........
IT DOES NOT CHANGE YOUR COURSE OF ACTION RIGHT NOW......
Stay away, literally hide from her........no discussions, no dinners, no movies, no nothing........
OH, and no helping her move.......your too busy.
If you don't do any of this for YOURSELF, then please do it for your kids.
It is extremely confusing and hurtful when you guys all go to the movies and out to eat and then she spews in front of everyone that you guys are getting DIVORCED.
Think about it.......it hurt you......right????
If you want to have an affect on your M then the BEST thing you can do is stay away from her.
You Love her.......right??
Then LOVE her from a distance..........while the interactions "feel" good........they are damaging and prolonging her journey.
In Fact......IMO the interactions are PREVENTING her from moving forward in her journey.
SOOOOO,
Even if you will not do this for you or your children......
do it for her.
Hope this helps.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Ok, several new developments but I don't have time to go into them here, but a summary:
She's now stating she only plans to be in her new home until the holidays. Minor hints about where she goes from there but I didn't bite. Very pleasant interactions this week and friendly banter.
My question though is whether or not it's normal to laugh together as often as she and I do. We shared several laughs over the weekend and this morning. I can still make her scream laughing and still appreciate her sense of humor. She even sat only a foot away from me on the couch last night instead of on the other end which has been the norm the past two months. Is it typical for MLC and LBS to still laugh together so much?
I keep having doubts and wonder if she might be WAW and having second thoughts. I don't want to sabotage my chances either way, but if it's MLC I'm sure it's too soon for her to be showing these changes. I want this to be real so bad (as you all know) but I don't want things to move too fast if it costs in the long run. Thanks for any help and I'll give a more coprehensive update when I can.
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
My question though is whether or not it's normal to laugh together as often as she and I do.
There is no such thing as "normal". MLCers may share some similarities, but each one is an individual and all interact differently. Some are filled with anger and never are around. Others, like my H, kept in contact with me and our interactions were often very pleasant (although there was still a distance). It doesn't matter whether she's a WAW or MLC. It doesn't change what you need to do which is take care of yourself, concentrate on yourself, continue to be the pleasant person, but above all, have NO expectations. There is no "right" timeline.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
Well, I think I am finally starting to detach. My W showed up today around 6pm after the kids had waited all day for her. She knows they have to start getting settled by 8 so this limited her time with them, which I think was her goal.
Our D10 had been planning time to her alone and she ended up inviting our other two kids to go eat with her (without me of course). Our D10 got upset and said she wasn't going, so my W just took the other two and left without a second thought about her feelings or that she was upset. Not a second thought.
After they left, our D10 was really upset and cried alot about missing her. She really misses her being here on school mornings when she's getting ready. Incidentally, my W decided to stay at her parents' across town rather than drive home. She chose to stay there rather than here with her kids, and has spent half the last week at her parents' house rather than going home for some reason. She has moved to another town about 30 miles away and I think she either is lonely and scared down there or just doesn't have the gas money. It appears her mansion isn't the grand dream she made it out to be.
Our D10 decided she wanted to join them, so I took her to the restaurant to meet them. I spoke to them a little and then left, with the reason that their Mommy wanted to spend time with them alone. She didn't even look at me or speak. She looked like she was as down as if someone close to her had died or something. I walked out and took one look back at the family I had and left. I hurt tremendously but felt good knowing I was giving her a taste of life without me. She probably twisted it to me not wanting to spend time with them though.
She's started to complain about having to drive all the way here to see them. They haven't moved. She did. Tough crap. I won't keep her from seeing them, but I won't let her cake eat either.
She dropped them off and left like a thief in the night. She never told them where she was staying tonight. Our D18 had asked her to stay here tonight and she never even answered her. Oh well.
I've started a new job about 15 minutes further than the old one, but with much higher pay. I have a terrible time staying focused due to the hurt/ depression but they are understanding and I think it will be good for me in the long run. I really needed the money and it's a golden opportunity and with the same agency I've been with for 10 years.
Still nothing done toward the divorce other than her filing the initial paperwork. Either she's lazy or doesn't want it. She made excuses a couple weeks ago and said that she made an appointment but they didn't have anything drawn up. Lie. She also goes into Monster every few days now, and I'm sure my not seeing her spares me a great deal of that. I wonder if Monster shows up anywhere else in her day-to-day life?
Anyway, that's my update and I continue to move forward slowly. I still want my marriage restored and my old wife back. Don't know if that will ever happen, but at least I'm not alone. I have the kids full-time and I have to think that means she trusts me deep down. That may be a big key in her wanting to come back to me someday (I hope). Peace.
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
Well, I'm now 3 months post-BD and have seen nothing positive. I have the kids full-time, and she only comes by to see them a couple times a week for an hour or two. Last night I asked her if she would pick up groceries for the kids and she replied that she has to pay her cable bill. I'm a single parent and alone. Unbelievable.
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
I just found out that my W will be moving to a townhouse about 6 miles away within the next week. She worked on the house she is in now for 2 1/2 months and will have stayed there less than 3 weeks. She has two co-workers who live there and are divorced, and one of them has been divorced 4 or 5 times!!! She will probably be able to afford it there and may have a 3-bedroom so I may have to start splitting time with the kids. This is likely the final nail in the coffin of our relationship as she has everything she needs to make it and will have no reason to ever return to me.
I feel awful right now.
M 39 W 41 Married 18 years Together 21 D18 D10 S6 D filed May 16, 2011 Bomb Dropped May 18, 2011 D in process
Do you really want her to return to you because she needs to?
You are three months post bomb...
I know, the first months to year are the hardest ones...
The ones where we are the most fatalistic...
Right now, your W is doing what most of them do, surrounding herself with people who see things the way she is seeing them...
Who won't tell her she is wrong for wanting a D or any of the other things she might be doing. She is surrounding herself with people who will validate her position...
It is a normal part of this process...
I understand that you are a conservative Catholic...
So what does this all mean to you?
What sort of judgements and thoughts will you hold toward your W if this D happens?
What, in your view, should your W be doing right now?
Not trying to upset you or make you defensive, but you haven't posted a ton lately and I am digging a bit here...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
You are just looking at the circumstances. Making assumptions is only hurting yourself and hindering your detachment process.
Look, my H is living with the OW, and now his parents have befriended her and have started to distance themselves from their granddaughter and myself. I guess what I am saying, things could be worse. But, if you are going to follow your beliefs and values about marriage, then just detach from all of this! Even if D goes through, it is a piece of paper. Turn your worries to God, this will not end soon and there is nothing you can do to change her mind, other than be the LIGHT! Let her see you and the family are the best choice, so one day when she wakes up from this craziness, she will know, you waited and allowed her to make her mistakes, but are ready and willing to heal and love her.
Remember the vows were for better or worse. This is worse and it will take a long time before it gets better.
(((HUGS)))
Lorie W47 H48 D16 M20 H gone 11/9/10 lives w/OW
When you forgive,you heal. When you let go,you grow. When you cry to God, you surrender. When you love unconditionally, you show others Christ's love.
