Over the last couple of weeks I had gone back to spending to much time and energy thinking about W etc, which was why I chose to bring things up.
Lots of conversation yesterday, far far too much to post, but some of them were:
W said at one stage that she needed to get out (and had been planning for a while, which I knew) as she didn't want to end up hating me as I am a good guy and a great father. I said thanks and that I agreed and that I also needed W to move out, as I was unhappy with how things had become, that is why I gave her the money to do so. We both agreed that things were not good at the end.
W gave some examples of things and said it showed I was quite controlling, again I acknowledged this (I had already had evaluated this myself) and agreed to a certain degree, however I also said that I felt W was controlling on aspects too, and gave some examples.
On some of the examples W gave I acknowledged them, and verified, but said what about looking at that from a different perspective, in that why did I react or be that way, then explained from my perspective why I said or did something, mainly due to insecurities due to my emotional needs not being met (this was after a discussion on LL's)
I think that was the main area for me, in that W didn't know what my emotional needs were, and I didn't hers until it was too late, thus we just drifted apart. We just stopped spending as much quality time together to talk, we did talk, but not enough one to one. We also both stopped doing individual things, as we both thought we were doing the right thing in our R for each other, not knowing this was the reverse, I stated this to W.
Upon reflection I think that W had been doing a lot of thinking as posted last week, however W had been thinking of issues to justify her leaving, not on learning or how things could have been done differently, so W is still much the same person.
Both of us said that we were different outside of the R, both of us are strong, confident and light hearted at work and around friends, but the opposite was true together a large part of the time. Also we both stated how our individual friends had said to us that we seemed to be happier and back to our old selves. (w's friends to her, and mine to me), and again it was a shame that we couldn't be like this together.
We both discussed other areas where we felt things had gone wrong, W said that it wasn't my entire fault, which I thanked her for, then agreed and said I was 100% responsible for my 50% of the relationship. (so W has looked at some of her own areas which is good)
I said that I didn't want to go back to the R as it was, and that with everything which has happened we have both learnt and reflected upon, and that things could be different in a new R. I said I would rather start from the beginning with W getting to know each other again, esp as we have the kids and house etc, rather than someone else at this stage. W said that this what not what she wanted and that we both need to move on.
I said it was a shame that we are hear, but it is what it is, but it is just sad.
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
I knew I wouldn't get to sleep easily after the long conversation, but accepted that before going to bed.......
So
1) The situation wasn't made any worse or better by our R talks 2) A lot came out from both of us open and honestly, all in a calm manner 3) After thinking a lot last night, W hasn't actually learnt from this, or changed, W has just focused on the negatives (just like most WAW's), so 4) I hope W took on board my constructive calm comments and actually spends some time thinking about them 5) W has noticed and commented on my changes, and my new attitude and perspective discussed at the beginning of the S came through again yesterday 6) W's body language indicated she was at least comfortable around me 7) Seeds have been planted on how things could be (don't know if they will get watered though!!!!) 8) I am not going to bring US up again
Things I still have no idea of and no longer intend to look into:
1) I asked W why she was so worried last week when I said I wanted to talk, W reply was she didn't know!!!!! 2) Why did W tell D14 that she didn't know where they would be for Christmas and it would depend if we aren't together!!!!
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
I went into the conversation yesterday expecting the worst, but hoping for the best, this is how I am looking at it moving forward, but there is only now minute hope.
I know I will have a couple of down days now after this reflection, but except that, it'd only natural. Then pick myself back up to where I was a couple of weeks back and improve upon.
I know these have been long posts, just needed to get it all out.
Thanks everyone for the help and support received.
Think I will sign off for a while.
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
Sometimes the best feeling is knowing where you stand vs. wondering and worrying. I hope your conversations got you to that place where you can build upon this.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Knowing where to concentrate my energy now is the main thing.....
Me and my kids
Had a great weekend with the kids, esp S12 on sat, proper boy stuff, bashing things up and burning it, then cards with both outside until late in front of the fire pit playing cards, kids loved it.
One thing I forgot to add was that W and I were still ML up to the end as well, weird. Ohh well.... time to forget about it now...
It is what it is...........
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
That's too bad, but a given... until the WAS goes through the introspection, they won't change their mind. It's nice that there's consistency there, it's too bad it's not reverse...
Once again an example that our words simply will not get through...
At the other two points, 1 and 2...
It irks me that those type of comments from the WAS... are lies... in the sense that, while they might believe on the surface they "don't know" and say things that seem open ended... AFAIC, they DO know... they just don't want to say the answer... they just don't want to drop the hammer...
Because in their minds... deep in their hearts... they don't like what is going on... what they are doing... and they're doing their best to do and believe that they aren't some emotional monster...
Yes... expect the worst, hope for the best, and keep moving forward...
Kaffe, thanks for checking in also, greatly appreciated
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
At the other two points, 1 and 2...
It irks me that those type of comments from the WAS... are lies... in the sense that, while they might believe on the surface they "don't know" and say things that seem open ended... AFAIC, they DO know... they just don't want to say the answer... they just don't want to drop the hammer...
Completely agree
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
Because in their minds... deep in their hearts... they don't like what is going on... what they are doing... and they're doing their best to do and believe that they aren't some emotional monster...
That has really resonated with me, and it has just clicked...
When D14 found W crying at 5am one morning D14 asked what the matter was, W replied "everything, everyone is making me out to be the bad guy"
Now W has said she has been thinking, and yep, thinking of the negatives about me and sharing it with others to try and make her look better in justifying what she has done
Another thing I have just remembered, W said it Pi**sed her off that her oldest friend (remember the one she hasnt spoken to for over two months!!!) had been posting on my FB posts and that I was posting on hers, WTH
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
Yes... expect the worst, hope for the best, and keep moving forward...
Thanks, that is my cunning plan.........
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
When D14 found W crying at 5am one morning D14 asked what the matter was, W replied "everything, everyone is making me out to be the bad guy"
Now W has said she has been thinking, and yep, thinking of the negatives about me and sharing it with others to try and make her look better in justifying what she has done
this is what i had too, with her friends the stories were of abuse and neglect etc, with mutual friends it was something different, with those who knew me well it was something else.
but all of it was to make her look like the helpless, guiltless victim who requires pity, and who did everything in her power to save it, but in the end couldn't continue for her safety and the future safety of our D.
in hindsight, this is who she is in all aspects of her life. nothing that went wrong in her jobs was ever her fault. she changed jobs constantly. everyone else was to blame for everything. unfortunately i had ignored that going into the marriage.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Haven’t spoken to W since last Sunday, W is away on a hen weekend this weekend so I have the kids swapped for next weekend, I off to the races with a load of friends, all suited up LOL.
Anyway, after last Sundays lengthy convo, I was as expected a little down on Monday, but this cleared on Tuesday (earlier than I thought) and was in a very positive frame of mind the rest of the week, people around me noticed this also. The convo really did clear things for me.
I still think of W a lot, but no longer have the feeling in my stomach, esp this weekend when wife is on a hen weekend with loads of girlfriends (not the usual one though!). So, a lot less wondering and worrying,
Though TBH
I do think from time to time what she is up to at this hen weekend at a holiday camp, but manage to get rid of that by telling myself I cannot control or influence it, so nothing I can do about it, so stop, and don’t worry about it, which actually works!! Detaching I have felt this week has taken a big step forward, (hope that makes sense LOL)
W will be collecting the kids on Fri after work, and I will be back late so will not see her, so the next time will be the following Sunday, and will then be 3 weeks since I have seen W. The works well for me as I want this to assist with detaching further and further.
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
