That's the understatement of the year. No I don't have an anger issue, I am an angry person and have been since I graduated from High School. I don't know why either. I have tried everything I can think of to deal with it such as cognitive therapy, rational emotive therapy, grieving my family of origin, anger management and so forth. The cognitive therapy helped a little but the only thing that helps is Cymbalta 60 mg once a day, and I have to take a break from it from time to time because it makes me feel lethargic at times. So much so that I am drowsy.
This is why my wife is leaving me is because I am an angry a-hole and \I have battled this demon my whole life with little success. I don't know why I get mad either. I don't know what makes me so angry. I am not making light of it, it is just as destructive as a drinking or drug problem, neither of which I have. But my problem is maybe even worse as it has caused just as much problems for me. I have lost jobs, friends, girlfriends and now my wife because of who I am and my anger. My wife has nt run off to be with someone, she hung in with me for 10 years and I made her life a living hell with my temper.
She will never come back now. What just so she can have some more, I don't think so. I am lucky that my son still loves me. I am not saying any of this out of self pity either, I know I am a first class bad tempered jerk.
Has anyone here had a bad temper problem and has success resolving it? I am open to anything. At this point I would settle if my wife didn't hate my guts forever.
I have prayed so many times to ask God to please remove my bad temper and I still have it.
Please advise. I am sorry if I sound like a whiner, but I do have an anger problem and I need something that will help me to stop being an angry man.
Dog
"Someday we may look back on this and decide that Saving Private Ryan was the one decent thing we were able to pull out of this whole godawful mess."
I have no expertise on this, though my ex-spouse always said that I had an anger problem too.
In my case, it wasn't so. She just didn't like it when I got mad or upset about something.
All I'm going to say is that understanding that you have to do something is a pretty good place to be in. At the very least I would be looking for a counselor to begin seeing. Something is at the root of your anger I would think.
And now I'm WAY out of my league, so I'll stop.
I know your marriage is valuable and important to you, so don't think that I'm making light of it with my next comments, ok?
This stuff right here is whey the counsel on this site is to place your focus on examining yourself and getting honest with who you are, what you've become.
It's a hell of a lot more important RIGHT NOW, that you be devoting yourself to finding answers for yourself, rather than working on your marriage.
The good news is that your wife wants a break too, that's why she's taken the steps she has.
Work on yourself. Fixing a deeply rooted issue with anger is NOT going to happen overnight, and it's not going to be fixed by some magic pill. It's going to take time and devotion.
Priorities.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Thank you, Bill, I can see that you are very upfront.
You are correct this is an issue that I am going to have to deal with. The Cymbalta I take helps me with my job so I don't lose my cool with my boss and it does work for that, but not always with interpersonal relationships. Yes I would have liked my marriage to have worked out but I believe there is a reason for everthing.
Yes I would be better off at this point beginning to work on myself and not obsess about my marriage anymore, in fact there is no marriage anymore, there's just me and I am single now.
I do think that my anger might be caused from fear and anxiety. I seem to get irritable when I am anxious about something that I don't want to face. But counseling might be a good idea.
"Someday we may look back on this and decide that Saving Private Ryan was the one decent thing we were able to pull out of this whole godawful mess."
i have had anger issues also. i grew up with a father with anger issues. but please dont think i have answers. and i dont mean to come across as knowing all you've gone through, and what you've done. and i'm dont mean to contradict DB or any of the posters.
i think i would start, if you havent done this already, by calling your W and telling her basically what you've told us, and apologizing for yesterday. tell her you're not expecting her to forgive you but that you're sorry regardless, and you understand why she is leaving.
and this is not to get her back. but to be honest with yourself.
make no excuses, take responsibility and the consequences. but let her know.
after that, go back on Cymbalta, and talk to your doctor about changing the dosage. or finding another prescription. If it helped before, then do what works.
i would guess that if you have searched for the reason, but cannot find one, then maybe its time to assume its chemical. still your responsibility, but not entirely your fault.
but dont quit, keep doing the good things you're doing, and i wish you the best.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Ken I just got off the phone and apologized to her. I told her exactly what I have written here. She asked me why I get so angry and I said, "I don't know." And that is the truth. She began to cry and said she was sorry for the divorce and I said that I understood. I did NOT ask her to come back. She wanted to know why I was apologizing and I simply told her because the way I acted was wrong. That was it.
She asked me what time I wanted to pick up our son tomorrow and I told her at about 10:00 am and then another call came on my phone and I said I had to go and that was it. I didn't grovel or be when she began to yell I simply just listened and sdidnaid, "I understand." I promise that I didn't talk about the marriage or anything other then an apology and answered her question to the best of my ability.
THank you for your comments in that I has been debating to call and apologize and your comments confirmed that apologizing was the moral thing to do.
On another note I did look up a psychologist and made an appointment with him. He specializes in anger management and uses coginitive therapy. He told that psychonalysis doesn't work on anger issues very well. He has an anger mangement group on Monday nights. He suggested along with therapy that I attend the anger management also. I told that I would.
Dog
"Someday we may look back on this and decide that Saving Private Ryan was the one decent thing we were able to pull out of this whole godawful mess."
I called my doctor and asked him if I could up the dosage of Cymbalta and he asked me to remind him of the dosage and I told him 60 mg once a day. He told me to up the dosage to 90 mg and that I can go as high at 120 mg and no more. He said that if I did not find it effective then he would supplement it with Guanfacine a mild blood pressure med. Says that it helps with the effect of SSRI's and other anti-depressents.
I took the Cymbalta about 4 hours ago and already I feel better and feel very embarrassed for losing my cool yesterday; I will take the other 30smg's later today as per my physician instructions. Again thank you for your thoughts.
Dog
"Someday we may look back on this and decide that Saving Private Ryan was the one decent thing we were able to pull out of this whole godawful mess."
I agree. I can see a lot of introspection and accountability in you now, and these are two extremely important qualities to self-improvement and to DBing.
i think if you asked my father why he was always angry, he would say he wasn't. but rarely a day went by when he wasnt yelling at me or my siblings or my mother. he woke up with it and just had to get it out. i could walk into the room he was in and feel the anger, and knew something was coming. there was no standing up against it, that just enraged him more. i have been conditioned to just accept anger and swallow it.
a few years ago he had a stroke and is a different man, i have not seen any of that anger in years.
which is why i'm led to believe that its a chemical impulse.
as difficult as it may be, yes, you may need to put your marriage on hold until you manage the anger.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
