Well I am posting here because this forum gets the most action. My question is about Introverts and Extroverts.
I am trying to learn about introverts as I am an extrovet. I know people that are REALLY loners because of this and require much needed alone time. In fact, can go weeks alone and not miss a soul....well not bad enough to visit them. Family members become distant because of this. No friends really, just a job and a home. The Introvert gets their engery from Peace and Alone time. The Extrovert thrives off people and interaction. Could the two be compatible?
When does alone time become to much and considered recluse?
Hi I don't post much anymore, but sometimes read, and this caught my eye - you might want to look at some of Dorothy Rowe's writing on extroversion and introversion [Australian therapist who has worked in the US and UK e.g. 'The successful self]. Her theory is that introversion and extroversion are to do with our brain structure, and that introverts need to develop their extrovert side, and viceversa to become mature and fully functioning people. Also introvert/extroverts make good partnerships.
Yes--extroverts usually marry introverts and visa versa.
I do not know this author, but agree totally--the extrovert "teaches" the introvert to be a little less reclusive, and the introvert "teaches" the extrovert how to be able to self-sooth (be by themselves).
I have done some "spiritual gifts" classes at my church and there are two levels of introvert and two of extrovert.
There is the WILDLY extroverted "life of the party-type" that some call "the otter". They are fun-loving, playful, never still types that can energize the room, but also can DRAIN an introvert pretty quickly. They like to "stir things up" if things get too boring. Always need something "new' to stimulate them.
On the far other end of the spectrum is the "beaver". Hard working, don't need people much at all to "energize" them--in fact, too much interaction is overwhelming and draining. They take time to "process" things, but once it is "in", it's there forever. Can handle HUGE workloads that would crush the other personalities.
I have an accountant friend like this who worked at a place SIX MONTHS before speaking to her co-workers on anything other than a business level. I would have died.lol.
The more "middle ground" types, one is the "lion" who can handle more interaction and thrives on it, and the "golden retriever" who is less outgoing, and needs more "down time", but not as much as the beaver. But still an introvert.
Each has his strengths and weaknesses--and "gifts" to bring to a relationship. You tend to marry your opposite. They bring you balance that the other 3 types can not bring.
I would LOVE to be attracted to a beaver--hard working, loyal, rarely abusive, ALL of my current best girlfriends are this personality.
But in a guy--can't do it. They are too much like me. They are soon boring because they are so tedious. I like a guy that is rough around the edges, and the men tend to be fussy and organized and not real "fun".
I just mesh with lions--who can be abusive as they are really strong and have a "take charge" attitude. They often times think they are too good for anyone else. They lack patience. Which I have in abundance. They like that in me. The other personalities don't really think that's all that great of a trait, because they have it too. Well, otters not so much. But otters are too "shallow" for me--they flit from person to person and lack commitment to anything.
So, I am a golden retriever. A people pleaser. I am very loyal--too loyal at times and can be abused. Golden Retrievers need to learn to put up boundaries. They hate conflict. It's rare to find a Golden that is holding a grudge. They are patient. They are not very ambitious. They do get into leader-type roles, but usually are not terribly comfortable in them. Because there is conflict to be handled and this isn't their strong suit.
All the personalities have their upside and down. Balance is the key. They say that Jesus embodied all the personalities and could be any one of them at any time.
I am currently dating a introvert. He is SO opposite of me. I just dont get why he needs SO MUCH alone time. Some is ok. Everybody needs time to theirselves.
I guess he would be a lion. I would be Golden Retriever.
He recently took a job out of town, 15 hrs away. He is loving his alone time but wishes he could be with me more. I told him i would come stay awhile with him. He said a week, in his SMALL apartment is all he could stand. The apartment is small and his alone time, space would be invaded. He wants me there but the place is too small. I got offended about this because I feel if he really wants to be with me he could do anything. He doesnt see it that way.
I am currently dating a introvert. He is SO opposite of me. I just dont get why he needs SO MUCH alone time. Some is ok. Everybody needs time to theirselves.
I guess he would be a lion. I would be Golden Retriever.
He recently took a job out of town, 15 hrs away. He is loving his alone time but wishes he could be with me more. I told him i would come stay awhile with him. He said a week, in his SMALL apartment is all he could stand. The apartment is small and his alone time, space would be invaded. He wants me there but the place is too small. I got offended about this because I feel if he really wants to be with me he could do anything. He doesnt see it that way.
What are your opinions on this?
Renee
Let's turn it around.
"I don't see why she needs so much together time. I feel if she really wanted to be with me, she could do anything. She doesn't see it that way."
I'm an introvert. People are exhausting. If I have a day at work full of meetings and talking to people for 8 hours, when I get home I can barely make it until S7 goes to bed and then I have to curl up with a book and not talk to people - it takes a couple hours to recharge.
If you love him, you should respect the ways in which he is different from you - trying to change people never works. You can only change you.
H: 39, Me: 37 SD: 18, S: 7 M: 9, T: 10 "I love you but am not in love with you" - 5/11 Discovered online affair - 7/11
I do love him and I am offering to meet him halfway. I have not seen him in three weeks. I miss him. He on the other hand, says it ONLY been 3 weeks.
i want to go vist him and he wants me to. but he has laid down the law that i can ONLY stay a week with him (in his tiny apt.) I WANT to be able to stay longer if i WANTED to. I dont have that option. Dont you think that is a little extreme.
since you are an introvert maybe you can shed some more light on what life is like.
here are some things i dont understand, you can tell me if you think they are extreme and unreasonable.
*When we talk, he likes to get to the point! No beating around the bush, no talking for an hour. Its too much for him.
*When he comes home from work, (when we lived together), he will greet me and then retreat. Has to kinda decompress.
*On Sundays he decompresses, as he calls it. Wants to be left alone most of the day to get ready for the work week.
*Does not have any friends. One long distance friend.
*Goes to work and stays at home. (I am there, so there we are, he doesnt leave the house.) He reads, watches movies and thats about it.
*Long distance relationships work really well for him.
*Doesnt even answer his phone much, unless its me. His family calls and he ignores them because he doesnt feel like talking.
*Says I talk too much.
*Now he lives in a studio apt. and says its too cramped for two people. Says if I stayed more than a week he would have no place to be alone. HE HAS TO HAVE THAT. He needs it and gets irritated if he doesnt. Almost like a sickness.
*Want a very big home if we get married to get away.
*Children are not an option. Wants them but doesnt know if he is willing to give up his space.
I know he loves me but I am the extreme opposite. I just dont know if its gonna work. Because he isnt budging.
There's an article you should Google - it's called "The Care and Feeding of the Introvert".
I honestly think that as an extrovert, you are probably never going to understand *why* people are exhausting, *why* too much talking wears him out, *why* he doesn't want to be forced into physical proximity against his will - but if you want to be with him, you have to move past the why and just accept that it is what it is. Either you can deal with the way he needs to live his life, or you can't.
But do read the article - it's a great intro to intros!
H: 39, Me: 37 SD: 18, S: 7 M: 9, T: 10 "I love you but am not in love with you" - 5/11 Discovered online affair - 7/11
I read this and think....He is just not that into You....
I completely disagree.
sunshine, also read "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking about it" to get a better understanding of some of the communication issues you are experiencing. I still also highly recommend Mars/Venus (although outdated it does a great job on some of the stereotypical gender differences). The 5 love languages was also life changing for me, and it's not gender based at all. I'm pretty sure that all of these resources are MWD endorced or talked about, they are really good tools.
I'm a screaming extrovert. I NEED people. Being alone drains me but I am learning to self-sooth by pampering myself and meditation. It's a constant struggle for me.
IMO, your BF is trying to establish boundaries ... the one week vist for example. He didn't say "no, don't come" but he did tell you what he was comfortable with. This is often what was missing in our previous relationships. We didn't have boundaries, instead we had unrealistic expectations.
I say do as much reading as you can on the topic to try to gain understanding. All of the things you list while you are wondering if they are extreme sound very reasonable to me for an extreme introvert. They are the exact opposite of what an extreme extrovert would need.
Good luck! PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I wish I could help you understand that you don't have to settle for near enough. Sunshine girl, he was great for you when you were getting over your marriage. He gave you somehting else to think about and another man to obsess over - but you are stronger now. You have grown and you know more about yourself than you ever have.
Look at you - you've identified one problem between you and your asking for advice on it. That's introspection, that's growth, that's fantastic.
He's always wanted soemthing different to you. He doesn't want to make love as much as you, he doesn't want to mix with people like you do, he doesn't want to live a life like you want to live.
You know what - you don't have to have a man in your life to be happy sunshine. You really, really don't.
He may be an introvert, but he's also not into you enough to give you the things you need.
YOu are an amazing, loving, beautiful woman and you deserve more than this man can give you. Go get it!
