Wife no longer in love with me

[cam]

I am 35 yrs old, my wife 31. I am Australian, we live here. My wife is American. We have been together 8 years, she moved here for me, and we have been married for 3 years.

Last year was a tough year, I work a stressful job and I was very unhappy and bringing a lot of that home and taking it out on my wife (never physically of course). I look back on it and there were a number of times over the years when I haven't coped with stresses and have been unhappy and haven't acted like the best husband in the most loving way. My wife pulled me up on it, and I got some help and changed a few things at work, but still things weren't great. It's as if she decided it's too hard and gave up. We tried counselling a bit late last year, and then went to the United States (Florida) for Christmas and things were great. When we got back in January, which is my busiest time of year, I worked for 45 days straight and was travelling a lot. I got back in mid February and she had moved out to have a break and to 'get those feelings back for me and us that she had' as she said.

We spent the next two months seeing each other a lot, talking all the time. I was begging her to come home, giving ultimatums etc. We were affectionate and getting on well, but we never had a proper break. Then in late April, she decided that was enough and walked away. It was very tough, I did all the wrong things. Constantly ringing her, emailing her, speaking to her friends etc. We have hardly spoken or seen each other since then. Then in late June we caught up and she has seen lawyers and wants to start divorce proceedings. You can't divorce in Australia until 12 months of the date of separation, but property settlement can start now. She won't discuss it, she says she loves me as a friend and that's all now, she wants us to both move on as its not healthy going on like this and forget that we had 8 pretty good years together. All my hopes and dreams we shared have just disappeared.

She has a history of running away from situations in her life when they get tough. She even admits it, and says its her defence mechanism and it has gotten her by in the past so it works for her. She has never had exposure to a stable family life: parents divorced, sister divorced - it just seems its the answer to her rather than fight for it.

She left for America last Saturday to be in her best friends wedding in Denver. She is away for two weeks. We caught up before she left and got on so well, even laughing about lawyers etc. But she said we can't go back, its gone too far now. I gave her a card describing my love for her and the relationship we could have again, and a few photos of us. I don't know what else to do. Then today I got another letter from her lawyer stating that she wants to get things moving on negotiations. My lawyer has just said she will ignore it.

The worst thing is I know all my mistakes and I am a 100% certain our marriage would be so strong and great if she gave me a chance. We both know each others flaws now and we could have such a solid marriage if she would work on it. I didn't express my love for her enough, at times I wasn't the best husband. But I never cheated, drank, abused her......I just brought my unhappiness and stress home and took it out on my wife, and I got complacent and took her for granted. I was at times rude, and I didn't always treat her with the respect she deserved. She told me a few times, but I never expected this to happen, I guess I didn't take it seriously and now it seems too late. She is no longer in love with me.

I don't know what to do next or how I can save this. I am struggling to move on and let go as I see people who get divorced as those that despise each other or don't get on. We were such the best of friends and still get on so well. I feel there is still a lot of love there, but she has blocked out her feelings and just keeps running away without facing the issues. She has told me she loves me as a good friend, but is not in love with me.

[~ kd ~]

It sux to be here, Cam. Thing is, it's a great place to be when going through this stuff.

First, have you picked up and read Michelle's DR book? If not, it's the best resource to have at hand as you work through this.

Second, it ain't over 'til YOU say it's over. That does not mean that you will not get D or that you should stalk her until she comes back to you.

What that means is, DBing is life long. You might be able to save your M or you might get D. And even if you're D, you may still consider getting back with your X and there's data to suggest that DOES happen.

But eventually, after all the work you do ON YOURSELF, you will be a better man for it and you may eventually find yourself OK with being D and moving on to a new life and possibly a new R.

Hope that helps to start.

Again, do you have the DR book and what are you doing to GAL and what might some 180s be for you?

[cam]

Thanks for your thoughts.
I am waiting on a copy of the Divorce Busting book, it is coming in the mail. Is the Divorce Remedy book a better option?
I'm struggling to GAL and move on from her, as we did absolutely everything together. She has just walked away from our lives like it never meant anything. That is the hardest part for me, I know I've probably been extremely unattractive when she speaks to me or sees me, but I just can't help telling her I love her and want to save this. She gives me nothing in return.

[~ kd ~]

DR is more like a manual for the work... DB is a great book as well.

You might find DR at your local library and if not, ask if they can get it in while you wait for your own copy...

Is she coming back from the states after the wedding?

In some situations, there is very little contact. Either initiated by the WAS or as a LRT (last resort technique) initiated by the LBS.

It is said that sometimes, absence makes the heart go stronger.

Now I understand there has been little contact and one never really knows what is going on with the WAS. While you may not want to consider it, there is the possibility that there is an A going on.

The WAS has many "canned" statements, such as "I Love You But I'm Not IN Love With You" (ILYBINILWY) or "were just too different" or "too little, too late" and any number of others that you'll hear about while you're here.

While there may be little contact, you still have an opportunity to make changes in yourself (FOR YOURSELF) that your W may notice during your rare contact, even if it's during D court.

These changes WILL be noticed by the WAS and the WAS might find them attractive or at least become curious about them... THAT is a step in the right direction, even if it's not the REASON to GAL, but rather a pleasant by product.

Whether it's getting a fresh, current wardrobe, to working out at a gym... Great things for your future and your W will notice.

Then there's the 180s. Things that are completely different than what you would normally do. Such as, if your W felt that you disagreed with her all the time, agree with her all the time. If you never showed emotion, show emotion. If you always brushed your teeth... well... keep brushing your teeth... it's good for you...

Hope some of that can help for now...

What kind of GAL or 180s do you think might be worth doing for yourself?

[cam]

She is back from the States on Aug 2. I suspect then she will want to start moving forward with more legal activity. In Australia you can't divorce for 12 months, so it is just all too rushed.
I have asked her repeatedly if there is someone else. I think after everything she has said and done now, she would tell me. Plus she just seems too emotional for anyone else to be involved. Even when we caught up last week she was in tears as I gave her a card describing my feelings and love for her. She said she admires that I'm still fighting for her, but its gone too far now and she can't go back.
There will be little contact when she gets back I presume. I'm just hoping that being maid of honor at her friends wedding makes her take a look at her life and what she's giving up and what its become - I doubt it though.
I don't know what 180s to do, apart from not calling her, not telling her I love her, acting happy and as if I have moved on next time I see her.
The hardest thing is all her stuff is at our house. She has only taken clothes. I don't know whether to tell her to come and get rid of everything or not, whether that would look like I've moved on, or whether it just helps her walk away more.

[~ kd ~]

It's 12 months here in Canada, as well... A date of separation would have to be established, I think that's why many people get legally separated, first.

Asking her if there's someone else will most likely get you one answer... "NO!"... it's up to you whether you believe the answer... with WAS... it's generally agreed to believe none of what you hear and only 50% of what you see... it's not a constant, of course... and repeatedly asking her is unlikely to get a different answer from her, but is VERY LIKELY to PISS HER OFF!

it's just something to keep in mind. It does not change the fact that we need to DB and GAL.

So you got a "too little, too late" comment from her. It's just a WAS "reason". They have a lot of reasons and justifications... it ain't over, 'til it's over... At least she claims she "admires" you...

There's a thing we talk about here a lot... it's called "detach". It means (and it's very hard for most people to do) that we become less emotionally connected to our WASs. It allows us to get of the proverbial "roller coaster" of emotions associated with the process. Then we can be pro-active, rather than re-active. Of course, our WASs generally appear much further along in detaching than we are. It's simply because they've been detaching themselves for a lot longer than we have. Often, before they even "drop the bomb"...

Those are great 180s, if they truly are 180s. What I mean is, a 180 has to be something that is not "more of the same". And 180s are not always long term. They're something we do for a long enough period of time to be able to get (relative) measurable results. ie. Did they help, hurt, or have no effect...

Once that is known, we adjust accordingly, continuing to do what works and stop what is having negative effect or no effect.

Since her stuff is still in the house, and if you can detach enough, there may be plenty of opportunity to show her the results of your GAL when she comes to pick stuff up.

One more thing for the night. Time for me to get some shut eye.

Something else that is mentioned here is, it is our ACTIONS not our WORDS that will our WASs will notice and believe. The ACTIONS must be true and consistent.

That's why what we DO to become a better us is something we do for US, to keep for life... no matter whether we save our M or end up D...

Make sense?

[cam]

The hardest thing is to detach. My life is pretty miserable without her. All my friends are married and now having babies, so it is so hard to see that as we were supposed to do that this year. Plus, my friends are all so busy with their wives and babies that there is no longer a social scene I can be part of. It is so lonely now, and I feel so empty without her.
We have had weeks where we haven't seen each other or hardly spoken, up to 3 or 4. I'm not sure if that is considered long enough, but last time we had that sort of break she then came to me with a letter from a lawyer.
But each time we have spoken during a "break" I have always told her I loved her. Until the lawyers got involved, she would always say she loved me back, but I guess in hindsight now that was rubbish.
I think the acting happy 180 is probably the best I can do, as every time I see or speak to her I'm miserable and down and asking her to reconsider. I am just scared that if I start acting like that, then she will be getting what she wants, as she keeps saying "we both need to move on, it's not healthy for us"

I just never want to give up on us, as I see so much good and nothing that can't be repaired. However she just reflects on any tough times and has blocked out anything good.
She also has a couple of friends who I feel are very influential. One is divorced, husband left her and kids for a younger woman, the other has left her husband too.

[~¤DG¤~]

I won't lie, detaching is hard, but it's necessary.
It doesn't mean your giving up on her or your M, it just means that you are going to live your life regardless of what she does.

Yes, it is very hard. But it also helps. A lot.
My H & I have been separated a little over 5 months now and have virtually NC for the past 6 weeks or so. At times it makes me feel all sorts of negative emotions but the majority of it actually helps. It doesn't mean that I don't love my H or don't want my M to work, it just means that I am taking the time to work on ME, so no matter what, I will be a better person regardless of the outcome of my M.

Are you in counseling for yourself? If not, it is something I would highly suggest. I've been in it over 6 months now and it has made all the difference in the world.

[cam]

Such a tough weekend. I was supposed to be in Denver at my wifes best friends wedding, she is maid of honor. All sorts if emotions, I just keep wondering if she is feeling anything or she has just blocked it out again.
I don't know how to detach, my life is just so crap now without her, so I am struggling to see anything positive of a life without her.
I just can't believe someone can completely change their feelings for their partner of 8 years so quickly and just give up.
She keeps saying she gave so much to our relationship and she just can't give anymore and got scared that the future would be tough.
It's just such a lame excuse, but that's what she's like. Every time something goes wrong in her life she just walks away.
My confidence of saving this is just so low. I don't know how I could ever get her to reconsider or give it another shot.
I have started talking to chuck a divorce coach from here, but I have little confidence in any of the tactics working. I cant demonstrate any changes to her when she doesn't want any contact at all. It is too hard for her, so she would rather avoid it and pretend I don't exist. So how can I so my GAL changes if we don't see each other. She wont talk to any of our friends either, so she is not going to hear about me. She even asked her lawyer to state that if things get worse between us, then all contact has to go through lawyers.
I'm at a loss to develop a plan to get her back as it just feels like I'm wasting my time and money.

[cam]

I feel like I am all to blame for this. I can't stop looking back at how I behaved and acted at times and how I treated her. She did a lot for us to be together and I took her for granted and I will never get a chance to redeem myself now. I took things out in her and made her feel like she could never do anything right. It wasn't always like that, I just went through such a bad time that she bore the brunt of it. I have such little confidence in anything working and such a hard time to accept that this is over. All I see are the great things about us, her beauty and how I have wrecked my life. Why couldnt she give me a chance to prove myself, why did she take marriage so lightly. It's such an immature way t behave to just run away because she "got scared" that things may be bad in the future. She dines doesn't know that unless she tried and that is what frustrates me so much. Even in February she was writing to me saying she loves me and thank you for being so loyal and loving and patient through this time and sorry for ever questioning my love for her. Now 4 mths later she is going for divorce!
I don't understand how anyone can completely block all the good things out as a way of coping and getting through it. How do you ignore what we had, which was very good for a long time, and act like it never happened? She says it's her defense mechanism and it's how she has always gotten through bad situations in her life before.
She has had the most unstable upbringing. Mum and dad divorced when she was young. Mum had post natal depression, but W lived with her until she was 14 when he mum went crazy. Mum is bipolar, has no contact with her now. Lived with her dad, he died of cancer when she was 18. Older sister who seems to be bipolar too. She had a great husband, two kids and great life. Cheated on him all the time, and now she is divorced too. I now feel like W moved to Australia to escape her terrible life in the US and I was just an excuse and that if anything went wrong in our relationship she was always going to run away. She has completely wrecked my life, and I still can't stop wanting to fight for her and recapture what we had.