Need some guidance....

[a girl]

Was there an opportunity after he got home to gently approach him with what was wrong, vs. making him drag it out of you? I'm wondering if that might have helped the conversation go more smoothly - telling him how he's going to feel probably doesn't make him feel very respected.

[Confused423]

A girl,

I know you are right and that he didn't feel respected. I guess the biggest thing for me is I'm TIRED of respecting someone who doesn't show me any. I feel like a toddler who wants to stamp her feet and say "when's it MY turn?!?!?!" I'm just very unhappy with the way things are going and I'm getting very frustrated. I know that it's coming out in my conversations with him. Any suggestions on how to handle the frustration oozing out?? Besides keeping my mouth shut that is

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Any suggestions on how to handle the frustration oozing out?? Besides keeping my mouth shut that is

Remove your expectations about how YOU think he SHOULD behave.

Let go of the things you can't control.

[♪CS♪]

Confused,

Good name because I am confused too.

Tough to tell if you are actually piecing, or if your H is there in body only.

This distinction changes the dynamics of what to do.

If he has returned after an A and then refuses MC. I am concerned.

Trying to 'wing' this is going to be so difficult.

I understand the boundaries are tough to set. Even tougher to enforce.

But you need to start the process. Trying not to beat a dead horse here, but IMO it is critical in your case.

You need to separate what you would 'like' from what you 'need'

A text letting you know he will be late is one thing.

Full disclosure is something else.

MC is another.

Think about what is a true deal breaker for you.

But going back. I also think you need to know exactly where you stand before this can even take place.

[Starsky309]

Couldn't agree more, CS, and tried to get some of those same points across on Confused's Piecing thread. The refusal to do MC -- and STRONGLY preferred would be to do it with a counselor specifically trained in dealing with infidelity -- would be a huge red flag to me. And so would the fuzzy transparency.


Starsky

[Confused423]

CS and Starsky,

I completely understand where you guys are coming from and I'm thinking the same thing. I have pulled out of my thread in piecing because I truly do not believe that we are there yet. He says he wants to work on the marriage, but then he wants to do nothing that will help us to have a "new" marriage and I feel that is what piecing really is!

I'm going to go back to DBing as I was before he moved back in and hopefully that will help him to move into the "piecing" phase. CS is right in that I believe he is only here in body and for our D, but NOT to fix the marriage.

You guys are wonderful and you really help me to think...

[Starsky309]

Confused,

My advice to you at this point would be to think long and hard on these two things:

1. What are my short list of dealbreakers -- my "Boundaries of Personal Integrity" -- that I'm going to want to communicate to my husband if and when he DOES ask me "What will it take? I'm willing to do what it takes!"

2. UNTIL that happens, what are my boundaries for this period we're in right now, when he's living in the house again, yet not fully committed to the marriage?

I don't have any magic answers for you on #2, and we can discuss #1 if and when that day presents itself again, but these are where I believe you need some laser-like focus.


Starsky

[mishka422]

Confused,

I just started reading your thread in piecing when your urgent plea went up. I haven't ever posted to you before but I strongly feel I need to give you some VERY humble advice based on my own experience.

My H came home twice after the initial bomb. Both times he came back with professions of wanting to work on our M, being fully committed, yada yada yada. Both times he refused MC and IC(he was terribly depressed and semi-suicidal at times). Both times I told him I required him to cut all contact with OW and to do it in front of me on speaker phone. Nope, wouldn't do it. Couldn't understand why he had to give up his 'friend'. WTH? Seriously? I had to just lay it on the carpet and tell him that he either did it or he got out. Period! He wouldn't and he left.

I went NC (except in cases of our son). He would text me silly jokes and pictures, ask my opinion on things, tell me what a cruddy day he was having etc.. I ignored them all. It was VERY hard, don't get me wrong, but it had to be done.

We ended up D'd after I pushed for it after a particularly bad episode where he ambushed me with OW insisting we need to talk and be friends when he and I were just meeting to discuss our son.

I am one of the MOST non-confrontational people you have EVER seen, trust me. Standing up to the man I had loved since I was 18 was not an easy thing to do but I decided that I deserved to be respected and I was going to put a stop to the nonsense.

Flash forward to March, 2010 (a year and a few months post D, 2.5 years since the bomb). My now xh shows up on my doorstep telling me he is miserable, OW has kicked him to the curb, she doesn't trust him (gee...I wonder why) and she knows he still loves me. I let him sleep on my couch. He's never left. He finally told me that he had made a huge mistake and f'd everything up. That was all we spoke of it.

Things change, people change, circumstances change.....what we deserve to have for ourselves doesn't.

Decide what you require to feel respected and then lay it out for him. If he can't do it.....he needs to leave and decide what he wants.

I'm not saying things have been rosy since he's been back, I'm not even saying that my actions led to his return. All I'm saying is that if you stand up for your needs then no matter what the outcome is you will feel better about it.

Again, just IMHO.

[Starsky309]

Man, that's a great story, mishka. I respect the heck out of you for that.



Starsky

[mishka422]

Thanks Starsky. I appreciate that but trust me, this is a daily struggle still. There are just some things in confused's story and situation that ring every alarm bell I have. I would hate for her to go through the false starts I did. It will only drag her down and cause the healing to take SO much longer.