Back and Ashamed....

[Bling Bling]

My start is going to be deleting all non-essential contacts in my phone. Deleting facebook and other social network profiles. Offering to give her passwords to all of my email accounts etc. Any other ideas?

[Bling Bling]

Mission accomplished for deleting contacts. It was much harder then I expected. It's almost impossible to remove facebook and contacts from Droid. At least it took my mind off of things. Is this the right place for support? Or because I had an emotional affair people don't want to comment? I hate myself for what I've done. Please don't judge me.

[~¤DG¤~]

Bling-

Nobody will judge you here, I can assure you of that.

I haven't been on the board much today.

It is a very good idea to delete all the unnecessary contacts as well as social networking sites. Those can be serious addictions, which I can see you are figuring out.

I think it's best to give your W some space at the moment.
She is angry and needs time to process her feelings.
Show her your serious, don't just tell her.

[~ kd ~]

It's slow right now, bling... people will be here soon enough to give you 2x4s for the EA...

I would say that as far as transparency, offering your passwords and other info to your wife would be something to do.

Now... she may not accept that, and there's nothing you can do...

Put the offer out there, if she accepts, she accepts, if she doesn't, then move forward...

At that point, aside from being a hermit under house arrest, what can you do to show her you are done with that stuff and are really focused on the family?

Not stuff you do as "extra" for being guilty, but rather stuff that sticks, not done as tricks...

long term stuff that shows your W that you are not only leaving the bad behind, but becoming and even better man and husband...

understand?

[~ kd ~]

Hey bling, just a thought...

You might want to go over and check another sitch which is opposite of yours...

In your case, you are the spouse who had the affair. Now I'm guessing you weren't a WAS, but only you know that...

See the following thread to see it from the LBS perspective and advice given to her on how to handle the WAS and the A:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2170094

[AJM80]

Hey, even as a LBS, I still can feel your pain. That said, it is NEVER ok to text and socialize with people outside of your marriage in a way that you don't both agree is ok. She probably had a line way earlier than the line you feel your crossed for yourself.

One thing you said that may help your case - she said she doesn't want to be around you when you are drinking. Are you willing to quit cold turkey to try to save your marriage? It's one way to show you are very serious about changing and start to earn her trust back. At the very least, you need to stop drunk texting - that wouldn't be enough for me, though. It's not like you're giving up your phone, so you need to give up the situation that leads to it.

Also, if any contacts are persistent and continue to text you, block them through the phone company. Don't get sucked back in.

Write a letter to your wife, responding to what she said and what it meant to you to finally hear that you are important. I wouldn't give it to her, I would keep revising it as things move along over the next few weeks and you take actions to back up saving your marriage. At some point she may be willing to hear you and it would be a very effective way to communicate while letting her control the situation.

A true apology doesn't include excuses and it does include asking what they need from you to make it right. She may say a divorce at first or she may calm down quickly. Regardless, you need to remember this feeling and use it as motivation to make real changes for yourself and for her. Good luck.

[Bling Bling]

So much to vent about… Yesterday was pretty awful. Please excuse me as I ramble on and just let it all go. I’m trying to look for the positive. So I guess I’ll start there.

1) Deleted everything I can think of that would cause me to slip or cause her pain. Deleted all old emails, facebook account, cell phone contacts, etc. I can’t even think of where else to look. It feels like taking the alcoholic out of the bar approach. I don’t want anything around me that I can slip back into.
2) Started reading a codependency book that she’s been trying to get me to read since she started working on herself. The sad part is it’s all so clear now. She was trying and I was still slipping.
3) Did a lot of crying… Just letting go. Admitting to myself I have a problem. It doesn’t seem like much but it was a big step for me. I hated myself and that’s why I constantly was looking for someone to tell me I’m worth it. I put on such a strong face. Its sad really. But that stops now.

Now our interactions yesterday. In the early morning she called and told me how much she hated me and wanted me to die etc. Wanting to know everything. I wasn’t ready yet. I didn’t know if it would be right to tell her. So I kept walls up. The same lies, twisting of words I’ve always done. A lot of screaming by her. And trying to tell me I love the OW and she means so much to me and how I’m going to just go call her right after. Saying I’ll be with her tonight. Etc. I stopped trying to tell her why I thought I did it. What I wasn’t getting from her. Etc. I just listened and absorbed the pain. I’m different than her that I need to talk to someone when I’m happy, sad, etc. So had talked a friend of ours. That made her mad because she thinks they will judge her and think she’s so stupid. I said that’s not what friends do. But I know she’s ashamed and I told her, that I’m the one that is ashamed. She has no reason to be. It’s my fault. The call ends with more spewing of venom and me absorbing it…

Then I got home after a “wonderful” day at work…. Yeah right. Took some time to decompress. I try to call her (knowing I shouldn’t) and she doesn’t answer. I leave a quick voicemail. Just saying I’m sorry and I’m here to talk if she wants. She replies with a “Don’t cry to me when you are the one who made the conscious choice to cheat on me repeatedly. Don’t call me again don’t text me.” I deserve this I know.

So that’s when I start reading. And completely breaking down. Just letting it all go. I’ve lived with these little lies my whole life. I’m done. Never again. I lie to myself, I lie to her, I lie to family and friends. They aren’t major lies but they add up. I just can’t carry them anymore. I wish I would’ve realized it sooner but I can’t change the past. I can only change the future. It really has been a burden off my shoulders. It’s hard to explain but I physically felt lighter. I’m not carrying the lies any more EVER! What ever happens, happens. I’m willing to fight but I can’t control it. I can only control me and my actions.

Then at about 10:30 she calls me. Screaming about how I’m with OW right now, physically, mentally or texting, etc. I said no. I haven’t talked to her since I told W I stopped talking to her. W said she had it in black and white. W says she’s looking at the phone bill and can see I’m still texting her, even after we talked last. I said no. I honestly haven’t. She blows up about how I’m not a big enough man to admit it. So I don’t know if there is a delay in the postings of texts on the phone bill or if she’s looking at the right number or what. I had only text two people yesterday. Both were guy friends just to talk. I ask her to please call Verizon. W says the bill is right because our text times match exactly. I said maybe it’s different with different carries, etc. The conversation goes back to where it was this morning. Yelling, screaming, accusing me of being in love, being with her, how much I hurt her, what she wasn’t giving me, it’s her fault, etc. I listen. She then asks me to tell her everything. I said what do you want to know. She asked specifics. I told her everything. I was done lying. I’m not carrying it anymore. I told her the details she wanted. Some she wouldn’t believe but I can’t control that. I truly let go for the first time since we have been together. GOD I HATE MYSELF FOR NOT DOING IT SOONER!!!!!! I don’t know where it started or how it got to where it was but it’s done. And it feels so much better. I’m sooooo sick.

Anyway, the conversation continues. Every now and then her telling me how she has no feelings left for me and there will never be an us again. More venting. And then we lose connection. I freak out. I don’t know if she is hurting herself because she was talking about how she doesn’t know how she can even wake up tomorrow to go on. She won’t answer my calls. I finally text and say I’m calling 911 if you don’t call me back. She calls me back and calming says she lost connection at the cabin. She didn’t even know we weren’t connected. Our conversation continues in a much lighter mood. We lose connection a second time. She calls me back. Then we lose it a third. She calls back and in a calm voice. She didn’t talk about us or how she hated me. She talked about how the dogs were doing and how they know she’s sad. And we had a light conversation about that. I think we both just spent but it gave me hope. I don’t know if I should think that but if she hated me and had no feelings for me why would she want to tell me that stuff. We lose connection again. She texts back “I am losing service. And going to bed.” I wanted so badly to text Ok I love you and the dogs. But I knew that wouldn’t work. So I just said, “Ok. Thank you for telling me.” The end.

What a day… Sorry it’s so long. I just had to let it go. It’s probably all over the place and people can’t follow (or want to spend an hour reading it . Oh well. If you get through it. I’d love to hear peoples thoughts. Thanks.

[~ kd ~]

I see the above very positively.

Now we know that we cannot mind read, but there does seem to be a common understanding that if someone is ANGRY at us, it's because they CARE. What we DO NOT know is WHAT the care about...

Letting go the lies is going to be the biggest thing you can do. Open, honest communication not just with your wife, but with everyone, including yourself. Of course, that is within reason. There is a point and time when revealing "truths" to the wrong person or at the wrong time can be harmful to all... so think before saying something. Not the little things that may sting or hurt... BIG things, that should take time to come out...

Your W does not trust you. I'm sure you understand why. You will tell her "truths" and she may not believe you. You have the right frame on that. You cannot MAKE her believe everything you tell her. Eventually, she may start to trust you more.

If she does not believe you, be very straight forward with her. Like arguing the details of a phone bill... you have to LET HER have it... "I am telling you the truth and I understand you do not believe me and I have to be OK with that, but I will continue to tell you the truth."

It will be a long hard road, I am sure... and if it's worth it for you... then keep at it... I get a sense that you're doing a great job as your first steps...

[Bling Bling]

Kaffe... thanks for the words of encouragement. I'm going to continue to fight for my marriage.

[Bling Bling]

Just went and picked up "Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity" and "Emotional Infidelity: How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage and 10 Other Secrets to a Great Relationship" I haven't heard anything about the second book but I guess we'll see.