I read somehwere here on the boards: Do you want to be right, or do you want to stay married?
I think there is no hard and fast rule.
Cyrena, MZ - both are success stories but who had to wait for their spouses to end the A over a span of time.
There are many conflicting concepts in handling spouses having A's. On one extreme, the Joyce brothers method, is to totally ignore it, on the premise that A's never last, will fizzle out, and he will come back. Surprisingly, I have heard real life stories from quite a number of people, and it seems to work. Think about it - having to hide the A, the guilt, - it would ultimately become old and take its toll. I think this works when the WAS is instrinsically good, family oriented .... like a lot of them here. One thing though - the LBS in this case has to be really, really strong.
On the other hand, Dobson's tough love approach. Give the ultimatum, and your boundaries.
This needs proper timing though. Too early, and you push your spouse to the OP. They are not ready to decide and might just as well decide against you.
Also, the WAS has a need to feel trusted, especially since they messed up so much. It is an attempt to hold on to their honor, to know that the spouse theyhad failed still has that remaining amount of respect that will enable them to come back. Part of keeping the road home paved and smooth. They know they are weak, may still stumble and fail, and if you set up stiff requirements, they might as well not do it. Checking up on them all the time makes them feel that they do not have the freedom to deal with it their own way, make their way back to you, and may push them away again.
We are weak, but our WAS are weaker that is why they have fallen.
The road to recovery is slow and painful.
But bailing out is not always the answer.
I know you are confused, but for the sake of the kids, do not rush into a decision. There is one thing on your side: time.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
This needs proper timing though. Too early, and you push your spouse to the OP.
For the record, to those that advocate this approach, this is precisely the idea. The concept being that it removes the illicit "fantasy" and "mystique" from the affair, and forces them to deal with each other's bad habits, daily-life realities and responsibilities, etc., etc.
I believe affairs are highly addictive, and I know of no other addictions (gambling, drugs, porn, etc.) that simply "fizzle out over time." Most, in fact, escalate.
This isn't about being "right"; it's about requiring the boundary that the wayward spouse end all contact with their affair partner, so that they can go thru the withdrawal of that endorphine rush, and begin to -- over time -- be more open to their betrayed spouse's emotional needs.
I know that I played a part in his unhappiness and that is why the affair began. I ALSO know that the affair my end because of "no contact", but that it is still going on in his heart. As hard as that is, I understand that there is nothing that I can do about that. I think I would handle this better if at ANY time he would have apologized for the affair and he hasn't. Am I wrong to feel this way or is that normal?
I just feel so helpless in this whole thing AGAIN....
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
You can't legislate the remorse. Often (I'd estimate 2/3rds?) it NEVER comes, sadly, at least they won't state it to you, to your satisfaction. So no, that's not the hill you want to die on.
No-contact and completely transparency?? THAT is where you ARE completely right in needing what you need.
Thank you soo much for all of your kind words and advice when I have asked for it. From what I am reading, I don't think that my H and I are really in piecing and I don't think this is the right place for me after all. I am going to move back to newcomers under " need some guidance..." and continue my posts there as I feel like it is going to take more DBing on my part if I am going to get this thing going. I'm just going to have to go back to doing what I was doing before he moved back because he's only hear in body and that is NOT piecing as I was wisely advised.
So...come on over to newcomers and I'll keep you up to date!
Me: 31 H: 30 Kids: D9 Together almost 12 years Married almost 5 years EA began: 8/10 Separated: 3/11
Don't mean to keep this thread going since Confused is moving back to Newcomers, but this is a darn good discussion.
My sitch was a blend of what I advocate and what Starsky advocates. I suspected about 3 months after it started, but I was in denial, so I was ignoring all the signs. I just plowed into my work. Once I confronted him and stated what ever it was had to end, that's when their A heated up, but also got very adolescent in nature. My H was lying left and right, playing both me and ow against the middle for a time. His feeble attempts to end it just kept revealing him over and over. The A became like a vampire exposed to light and fizzled. Maybe we could continue this over in group meeting? I'll continue there. Starsky? You coming over?
M 55 H 58 M 24 T 29 S 22,21, 19 Bomb 4/10 It (A) really isn't about you 11/2013 We all have work to do
The truth will set you free, but it will almost kill you first.
