Hi all...I finally got the entire story as to why I got a divorce. There was an incedent on Saturday involving my SD (remember, she lives with me still). I'm not going to go into specifics but here is what her and I figured out.
-She stayed with me because she thought her mother needed to be with me. Her mother also never asked her to live with her. -She loves me and considers me her dad -She told me what is going on with her mother - living with a guy, abandoning her son and daughter to be with him.
When the incedent happend, I thought I needed to tell her mother. So I called her over 30 times (started at midnight) with no answer. I resolved it with SD (in a loving way with no anger or yelling). I told SD that I will take the hit with her mother and not tell her what happened since all she will do is yell at SD.
Ex called me the next day starting at 3 PM. I ignored, she called house phone and blew up SD's phone. None of us answered. She left a message to me stating that she just woke up (18 hours of sleep??) and saw that I called last night. She was asleep and didn't hear the phone.
Next day, I got a call from ex MIL while on a date. Had to ignore it, she called back afterwards and I answered. It was ex using her phone knowing I would pick up. Very quick and short as I was not talking.
Got email on Monday from ex stating "I hope you can forgive me for leaving. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I didn't want to do it but felt I had to...bla bla bla". Iresponded with "I do not forgive you. You cheated on me and lied to me. You left me for another man. I have a great relationship with SD now and am being the parent she needs right now since you aren't. Please don't ever contact me again." Her response "No, you have it wrong. I didn't start seeing OM until after I told you I wanted a divorce".
So, here is the whole story as to why I got divorced (and so quick). ex and OM got together on Valentine's day. They decided for her to divorce me so they could be together. She started sleeping with him while she was still in the house. When she got her own place, he moved in with her. She lied to everyone around her (that were friends of mine) about all of it. They are still together and she is a totaly different person.
I wanted to share this as a learning tool. I was the kind of person that believed everything my ex said to me. I don't know when things changed but they did and she became a liar. If you have the same feelings, think about this. When your W starts to do things like this, she is NOT the same person. She is very capable of telling lies. Michelle said it best in the book..."Believe 50% of what you see and NOTHING of what you hear." It is the truth.
I am ok with everything because I followed the DB book. I learned to love me and have forgiven the old me. While, I would have loved to be a success story (which really, I am), I am who I want to be and am VERY happy. I have people who love me around me. I have a better relationship with my step kids (20, and 24) and even with my ex in-laws (going to dinner with them on Sunday). Everyone of them see's what she did so I'm sure that helps!
Regardless of how much pain you are in right now, I want to to know that there is hope. If for some reason, you don't get back together with your spouse, know that by doing the things you are doing, you are going to be a much better person with the capability to be happy. Follow the DB book. Talk to the great people on this forum. Listen, learn, love. You are worth it.
I'm glad you're doing well Brian and you have some resolution. All the best to you.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Brian, I am sure that it was tough to learn the truth, but I also hope it helps you find closure.
Obviously there is still some anger there, and it is to be expected.
Just don't let the anger hold YOU back.
2step said something recently about how yes, we improve ourselves and move forward for us, but there is also some sweet justice in it. It is really true.
Revenge is a dirty word I guess, but it is just a word.
"The best revenge is living well"
Live well.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
I'm glad you posted this, and you sound well. SD is lucky to have you as a rock in her life.
When I post the "early warnings" that I do, about smelling affairs, and deceit and such, most people just think I'm a horse's ass. But the warning signs really aren't all that hard to spot, and I'm one who feels that if the betrayed spouse can begin preparing themselves for it, emotionally, the sooner the better.
And that doesn't even COUNT the strategic reasons why one is better off KNOWING, than NOT knowing (finances can get drained, legal ambushes, medical risk if the couple is still intimate, etc., etc.).
FYI, I have a friend who was sooo upset at Starsky for pointing that out, but so grateful as well. Sort of like...punch in the face and buy a beer for him.
Affairs are common enough and the signs almost become standard...that while not all WAS have one...enough do that anyone coming here and posting had best wrap their head around the highly likely idea their spouse is having or had one.
Some are just more...blunt about it.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
