Hello everyone.. I am very new here...my wife left me June 5th.....while I was out of town....upon my return to my home.....half the stuff was gone....while reading the dear John letter....there was a knock at the door....and yes you are right I was served D papers and an Order of protection for violence....... Here's the thing....I never saw it coming and I have never been violent in my life. Everyone is floored...including her own family.....I have not talked to her in 5weeks due to the protection and my lawyers advice....the pain is so great I have to remind myself to breath.... I have seached the net and have not come across this situation....I can't be the only one. She never told her best friend or only sister......her mother which I talked to today for the first time in since the bomb was clueless other than she knew she moved out. She has completely left all our friends.....no one has heard from her and she has not return V-mail from the either.
What do I do? I got a lawyer three weeks ago....he said ....dude it's over. I can't except this after 9 years of M.....I have tried to get messages to her....but no reply. I have since given up on advice from everyone around me......
The dear John letter stated that she did not want to be married anymore and that she was not happy and has not been happy for a long time. And she was glad her only child was now on his own. She never said anything about love in the letter.
Please help me through this!! What happened. I actually thought things were going well in the marriage ....
How can I get her back if I can't talk with her?
I don't cheat, gamble, use drugs, I clean, shop and take care of the house all the time and I was happy to do it too. WHAT HAPPENED
What do I do? I got a lawyer three weeks ago....he said ....dude it's over. I can't except this after 9 years of M.....I have tried to get messages to her....but no reply. I have since given up on advice from everyone around me......
Thats cold!! While you were reading the letter, huh? I can only imagine the way that must have felt and I hope you recognize that the community here can empathize with your experience.
I didn't get any kind of explicit order of protection, but my W definitely has constructed a drama around this insinuating that I am a threat or scare her or that somehow I'm dangerous. It's like salt in the wounds, isn't it?
Maybe a way to look at it is that its a legal mechanism to prevent you from communicating with her. Maybe in her imagination, you will be violent because of her actions. If you really haven't been violent or intimidating or threatening, than perhaps your best bet is to just decide not to take it personally and realize its her own personal dramatizing playing itself out in the real world. It isn't really about you.
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What do I do? I got a lawyer three weeks ago....he said ....dude it's over. I can't except this after 9 years of M.....I have tried to get messages to her....but no reply. I have since given up on advice from everyone around me......
Well.. maybe it is over. Maybe it isn't. Divorce isn't a legal issue, its a personal issue with legal problems to deal with. Your L can help you with the legal stuff, and I guess could request the court to mandate counseling, but thats probably it in terms of the personal aspect of it.
If it is, how are you going to take care of yourself? What would you do for yourself? What would you be doing 12 months from now if your M ended today?
No matter what, you are dealing with a stressful situation. Divorce is only below death of a loved one in terms of life stresses. So you better plan on taking really good care of yourself and learning to be okay w/o your W. Not to 'get ready' to be single, but to put yourself in the best possible place regardless of the outcome of this whole thing. Being centered and grounded and healthy is going to enable you to make better choices. Having things to do will help you to feel good about yourself and will help you to compartmentalize the situation while your mind processes it. Self-care is really important, and especially so in times of stress like this.
Reflection can be valuable - you can use this time to take a look at where you are and anything you could do differently to more authentically express who you are and the person you want to be. You may have done many good things, but is there anything you KNOW was a problem? Anything that she ever alluded to? Perhaps in a very oblique fashion? Anything that you feel, upon looking back, that might have been creating a barrier between you and her?
Maybe you can use this time to identify any blind spots that you might have about yourself - we all have them - and see if perhaps there is something there to work on. Even if it does nothing to affect the outcome of this situation, you will probably have a happier life as a result.
For now, perhaps you need to accept that at the very least, she is actively avoiding you. Pursuing her probably isn't going to help.
She is avoiding everyone? What do you think that could mean?
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
Here is more........she had $16,000 worth of plastic surgery done on April 29......5 weeks before she left....boob lift, boob job and tummy tuck.... We rented a hospital bed for her recovery...I slept on the floor next to her for 10 days....my birthday was May 28....we had a small party...she gave me 8 presents...next day May 29th was our 9th wedding anniversary .....went out to a great lunch with my mother....took pictures and went to the movies..... Came home and talked about our big plans for our 10th anniversary....she told me how much see loved me etc.....no love making because of the surgery...LOL!
Anyway...she left me 5 days later....it was all completely planned. she actually signed the divorce and order of protection before my b-day and our anniversary on May 17th.
Who does this kind of thing.....? I am having a pretty good day today....some are better than others....but still....i still can't believe this is the women I married.....
I would love to hear from some women out there..
I biggest hurt now, since I have excepted that she is not coming back and I probably will never here from her again, anyway the biggest hurt is how she left me. She never once talked about separation or D.....I never had a chance....and believe me I would have anything and everything to save what I thought was a good M.
WHY DIDN'T SHE SIT ME DOWN AND TELL long before she left that she was not happy and TALK ????? Can anyone answer that?
And she took my three dogs too.
The pain is so great, but I am not alone....I have loads of friends and my mother near by... Keeping busy....camping every weekend in the mountains...going to the gym...talking on the phone with friends....etc......still my thoughts are never far....
It's a good thing that you are getting active and keeping yourself busy. That is the best thing you can do in this situation.
It's interesting that your W planned to leave and it's also interesting that she won't communicate with anybody, mainly because I don't understand it myself.
I can tell you that in the weeks before I dropped the bomb on my H, I didn't know I was going to do it, then I didn't know when I was going to do it, and then one day I just did it. (You're wife obviously put a bit more thought into arranging the move and the process serving, because I did all of that after the bomb.) Nonetheless, I can say that to this day I still love my husband. I would want him to have a happy birthday and to share special times with him. I'm not divorcing because I hate my H, and I can't really go into the reasons why I am divorcing him, but suffice it to say that it's possible to love someone very much and need to be away from them.
One thing that struck me is that you seem bewildered that you had no sign that your wife was unhappy and that she never has explained why she left. I don't know if you're like my H, but I told him repeatedly what was wrong and what was needed for things to be right. I told him for more than five years, repeatedly. We went to counseling, and I told him there and he agreed to a course of action and did nothing. When I finally left, he wanted to know why. ??? It's like nothing I said ever stuck.
When I made one single attempt to explain to him, I got one sentence out of my mouth before he went on the defense. The man was purple and yelling. I was pretty much done with explanations at that point. If asked, my husband would say that he doesn't ever yell, but he does.
This next part is food for thought, not an accusation, because I don't know you. It does seem like you could use a little more introspection on the whys and hows of what happened. Maybe you should even consider counseling for the sake of having someone to talk things through confidentially.
I'll bet if you sat down and thought about what your W was saying and doing in the months and even years before she left you'd realize that there was a theme that she tried to tell you or something in your behavior that made it difficult for her to communicate.
OMG that is rough. I thought I got it bad (H just went out and didn't come home one day - 2 weeks before a planned OS trip - but he came back the next day to say it was over and why). I have no words.
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
Wow...thanks for your input. I can say that I have been over it in my head a million times and there were things in our M that were not that great but nothing that I would concider enough to leave over. We really had it very good in a lot of respects.....
I did come to a conclusion last week and that was the source of my pain was not how or why she left me, which is what I was focusing on....or could stop thinking about.......but the fact that I am totally in love with her. I realized that if I didn't love her there would be no pain. Still however, more than two months have now passed and still no contact what so ever. So there is not much I can do other than let her go. The shock is wearing off.....but I would do anything for 5 minutes on the phone with her now.....just to get some answers.
Still camping, running and going to the gym..... Now I am taking care of me...she is gone..I may never know what happened and I know I can't let it hurt me forever....Boy that first month was so hard though..... How am I doing ? I think considering what just happened I am doing pretty good now....still hurts like crazy but I have to remain strong. She is now a person that is capable of hurting other people....that is what she has become and she will have to live with it not me.
The even weirder thing now is that its been almost 2months since I responded to the D petition and I have not heard back from her attorney. What's up with that....?
How am I doing ? I think considering what just happened I am doing pretty good now....still hurts like crazy but I have to remain strong. She is now a person that is capable of hurting other people....that is what she has become and she will have to live with it not me.
If you feel pretty good about how you're doing, I think thats a good sign.
Your W will be the one who has to live with her decisions. Unfortunately, this is how the world works.
Do you want to be with someone who would be completely ok with doing something like that? Not to discourage you or try to re-frame your W as bad. I just think its good to take this time as an opportunity to keep examining the kind of person you would like the be.
Hang in there.. you'll lead a better life either way.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
Ha...I think I feel good. Not sure what I am suppose be feeling right now... The shock is fading but the questions I have are still burning and the hurt is just a thought away.....she broke up with me man, she doesn't want me around anymore....WOW.......It seems like a dream half the time......we really had it pretty good, we did whatever we wanted. We spent everyday working in the same house....we had two offices.....spent every weekend doing something together.....went to the gym together almost every evening to. We had friends, family, vacations, money, had parties, were invited to parties...I was really living my dream. WOW.....guess she wasn't.....not sure how it could have been much better for me anyway....I was very content....seemingly blindly content that is
So where do I go from here......how long is the hurt going to last? I really appreciate all the comments too. Funny when I read all the other blogs......i only wish I was given the chance to save my M.....I would have done anything and everything.
and thanks zero12......for the insight....from a woman......you know she never said anything.....I am a pretty good listener too, I listened and she wasn't talking I guess.....you know she never told anyone until after she left. Good actress my Family says.....she had everyone fooled. HMMMMM.....life is crazy....go figure....
Two months with no response from her attorney? Doesn't your state have deadlines... at least requirements to hold a status conference or something?
I don't want to get your hopes up, but if she's not pushing the divorce forward, she may still be thinking. When my stbx left me the first time, and he filed for divorce, I met every deadline because I didn't want to stand between him and his freedom. He was late for every deadline, and when it was all done, he changed his mind. Sometimes it goes like that.
We had friends, family, vacations, money, had parties, were invited to parties...I was really living my dream. WOW.....guess she wasn't.....not sure how it could have been much better for me anyway....I was very content....seemingly blindly content that is
So where do I go from here......how long is the hurt going to last? I really appreciate all the comments too. Funny when I read all the other blogs......i only wish I was given the chance to save my M.....I would have done anything and everything.
Tell me about it. I'm not saying my marriage was at all perfect but I thought we were fine. I would have never thought he was unhappy. I never got the chance to fix what was wrong either. I don't know what to tell you but I understand completely.
and thanks zero12......for the insight....from a woman......you know she never said anything.....I am a pretty good listener too, I listened and she wasn't talking I guess.....you know she never told anyone until after she left. Good actress my Family says.....she had everyone fooled. HMMMMM.....life is crazy....go figure....
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
