I've been happily married for the last 16 years I am 34 and my wife is 32 we have three beautiful children it seem to be a remarkable life. Although our friends believe with perfect we do not go without struggles. Financially we manage fine at least enough to pay the bills and enjoy time with our kids. We don't have a lot of money but is something that we don't stress about. We have a very active social life for we are pastors of a small congregation mostly made up of our friends and family. My wife works full time and I work as a freelance designer and among other things I'm also the primary caretaker of our kids. The only problem that we have had it now i can reflect on was in our intimacy. For the last year as far as I can recall she has been less willing to have sex. I attribute it to overworking and fatigue but even when we had sex it was great but she wasn't quite all there.
Recently she took a trip to Cuba to visit family she has done this before and I have stayed behind because of my responsibility and the kids. The previous time she went to Cuba I redesign our bedroom as a surprise for her. She returned she was pleasantly surprised and it was like a new spark was ignited in our love life. She said, she miss me and wanted to spend all the time she could with me. It was a second honeymoon.
This time it was several complications in her trip which costs an amazing amount of stress on both of us. To spare you the details I ended up driving for hours to Miami to pick her up three days after she was due in. This time I replaced our floors of the entire house and anticipated her to be just as happy and eager to see me as I was to see her. To my surprise her reception for me was a tad bit unemotional. And the look on her face stressful. I attribute it to trip and all the hard times she and her mother went through to get back from Cuba. I brushed it all off and drove my princess back home with me she was still cold and not receptive for several days. Our sex was awkward. She distend yourself from church activities and I felt like she didn't even want to be the same room with me.
After several days I couldn't take it anymore so I sat her down and asked to you care about me enough to tell me what's wrong with you. She says that's the problem I care about you so much and I love you deeply but I'm not in love with you. I don't think I understood her that first but then it turned my world upside down. I am in love with her deeply there is nothing I wouldn't do for her and my kids. The thought of leaving them and moving somewhere else crashes me. Since then we have had several conversations about the subject. We have also laughed, cried, and held each other. Oddly enough it looks at times like she has a newfound spirit in her. I guess because she finally expressed her feelings there's a bit of freedom that has allowed her to participate in our routines of life. I found myself having the strangest conversations with her as her best friend about how the future will look like. how we will be friends forever. And If there ever would be other people in the lives they will have to accept the fact that we will always be in each other's lives.
I understand the situation we have here. I could soon be living a life that I never desired to live. What's even more disturbing was at the mention I suggest getting help for us she immediately decline and stated I will go because I love you but I will not participate I know this feeling is right and I have felt like this for years I just did not know what it was. She said in a way as if she would never like for me to mention it again. Moments like this are not rational for me. We such a rich life of love we have so much history together that I couldn't fathom the idea that there is no fight in her to save our marriage.
I have Asked if she would be honest with me if there was someone else. She said no. She did share with me that in Cuba here was a gentleman that paid her extra close attention and she she quite enjoyed it and that was part of her evidence she didn't feel love for me anymore. She said nothing happened because she wouldn't be the type to do that to me or the kids. Besides he was much older and I'm attractive. She says she has no intention of pursuing a relationship for now she just wants to be mom and be more independent. She's not in a rush to tell the kids or to see me leave. She said it's hard on her because she knows she's breaking my heart.
I have no idea how to behave around her. I am So used to grabbing her and giving hugs and kisses but it seems a tad bit inappropriate now. It's like I'm beginning to feel the same best friend syndrome she describes towards me. But deep down inside I want to fight to keep us together and fall in love again. I'm a designer by trade so I pay attention to every detail and every word some of it hurts and the rest makes me indifferent. For now only our parents and three closest friends know about our issue.
Yesterday was the first day that I intentionally distant myself from her no hugs,kisses or love you. It is tears me apart but i know it is one of the steps to give her the space she needs. I continue to do my husband and father routine around the house and in my work. Here is never been any complaints from her part about anything i do she's always been so good to me and I believe that deep down inside she really does love me.
How can I bring her back out? What do I do next? How do I know it is working? And is there any hope for us?
I would appreciate some insight for those who have been where I am at and maybe even from a formal walkaway wife. I have been reading the book divorce remedy I find it both intriguing and informative just having a hard time understanding how it all works.
Yes, there is hope, Johnny, and no, there's nothing you can do (directly, anyway) to "fix" this. As men, this is the hardest part for us. I mean, you write well enough for me to be able to tell you're an educated, bright guy, so INTELLECTUALLY you know it, but it took me probably TWO MONTHS after my wife left our marriage for me to finally "get" that
I
CANNOT
CONTROL
THIS.
and
I
CANNOT
FIX
THIS.
For us "fixers," that's hard.
The best thing you can do is back WAY off, and work on being the best father you can be for your kids. I sincerely doubt she's being honest about there being somebody else, but that's something too that you cannot control.
Have you read DB or DR yet? That would be my first recommendation, plus Sandi2's list of "Do's and Don'ts" for you to work on.
In the meantime, no hugs/ILYs or "melty man". Be strong; your family needs a hero right now, and it ain't gonna be your wife anytime soon.
So it's almost a week since I have gone completely dark. I've had some very good days and very hard ones to. In The good days I'm feeling happy outgoing and even confident in my future no matter what becomes of my marriage. The bad days consist of wanting to share my feelings with her and asking her to open up to me. I am convinced that if it is an OM it must've been as she was out of the country and she may still be emotionally attached to that experience. Knowing her character if this is true is tearing her apart. Parts of me wants to confront her about it. But what if it's not true. I am determined to wait it out for as long as I can in the hope that she will come to me and initiate a conversation. We haven't really had any meaningful conversations about our relationship for over a week. I am Returning back to my passions of Art and design I really find healing in my work. Taking time to work out and pray also become comforting for me. Yesterday we sat down to see TV and our hands touch for the first time in days she grabbed my hand and said " nice to meet you" with a sad look in her face. I said" are you okay" and she looked away.
I am ready for anything at this time. All that concerns me is this waiting process and what is happening in between us. Is this distance drifting us further apart or bringing us closer together? I am so ready for a conversation. Parts of me wants it more for her than for myself. I believe she knows she must be completely honest about her feelings. Because I am not really buying this" I am not in love with you anymore reason". I believe it is a cheap excuse to hide some more hurtful feelings. And even now I want to be here for her more than for me.
She rarely makes direct eye contact with me. She doesn't dress or undress in front of me. She kisses me goodnight. She patt my head or puts her arms around me if she passes by me in our hallways. She gave me a good hug a couple of days ago and I know she felt I did not response to her. I could tell by the way she pulled away. She keeps to herself on the computer or just listening to music. She stopped the I L U after I stopped saying it. She still calls me honey or baby even though she has used my name more often than before. She comes straight from work home and has stopped socializing with most of her friends. Overall she looks sad and scared. I don't know if these observations come because I have gone dark.
Can 16 years of the amazing history together and 3 kids which are our lives be enough leverage for her to understand there is no easy way out. is my silent making her we evaluate her emotions? I need so help figuring out the signs of her behavior and maybe some insight on what happens after the silence...
