As you'll read in my last post, W is up to something. She has paid $250 to an online moving company (I know this because our bank account info is visible to, and accessible by each other). She continues to send OM money despite her protests that he is "just as friend."
Please...I was born in the morning, but not this morning.
Just don't know what to do with this info. Confront? Wait for the "I'm leaving" announcement?
It's funny, but I have this strange peace about all of this. I've already been looking at places to relocate if/when she leaves. Savannah, GA looks very nice - warm weather, decent cost of living, lots of history...
I'm just not so sure I want to fight the good fight any more. If it was just W needing space and time, I could deal with that. But with OM still a presence in her life, and her constantly lying to me about him, I don't think there is any hope of saving this M, or even creating a new one where W would love me the way I want to be loved. She said on Sunday she would stay only out of obligation, not out of desire.
Who wants that?
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Tel, No one wants a spouse to hang around out of guilt or obligation. We all want and DESERVE to be loved honestly and wanted for ourselves. I would prepare yourself for the "im leaving" announcement and think about how you will respond. Maybe write down what you want to say and then edit it again and again until you get it right. Dont mention to her that you know and use the time to your advantage..
Also her lies about the money to the OM are her lies. They do hurt you because you know the truth and deserve honesty. However do not feel guilty about her lies or actions, feel good about your honesty.
What is the good fight? Does it mean holding yourself back and waiting and hoping? I dont think it means that at all ... I believe that the goal here is to make you a better person. Someone that your W or another person would want to be with. This includes you, do you like who you are?
I think this evaluation is truly a difficult thing to accomplish. You previously were a H and part of a family and your identity was part of that. Now your evaluation has to happen without that dynamic in place and it hurts. It is okay to hurt and miss what you had.. You wouldnt be human if you didnt...
I think we all want to let go and hold on at the same time. You have to do what is right for you.. If you let go and she comes back say a year later then worry about that then. You cannot control her only yourself and you cant predict the future.
Do the best with the knowledge you have right now.. Then feel confident the choices you made were the best ones you could make at the time.
I also am no expert!! Im new and every day is a challenge.. but reading your post i feel your hurt and understand it! I do have faith that the path im on will lead to something great and so will yours!
Good luck!
______________________________________ H:32 W: 35 M- 11 Tog- 13 D-5 S-9 Sep. June 5th Bomb 6/27/11 OW Discovered on July 18th and admitted.... Divorced 11/22/2011 Ex Engaged to OW Jan. 2012
Yes, this is an accomplishment from the standpoint that you're still hanging in there and a curse from the standpoint that you're still here.
Originally Posted By: Telemark
As you'll read in my last post, W is up to something. She has paid $250 to an online moving company (I know this because our bank account info is visible to, and accessible by each other). She continues to send OM money despite her protests that he is "just as friend."
Some friend. I know you're seeing right through this. Who handles the bills? What "budget" is this coming out of? <- That may be your point of contention on this. It probably would make sense to separate the accounts. I don't see any signs on her part of stopping this activity.
Originally Posted By: Telemark
It's funny, but I have this strange peace about all of this. I've already been looking at places to relocate if/when she leaves. Savannah, GA looks very nice - warm weather, decent cost of living, lots of history...
Sounds nice. It's a good thing to occupy your mind with. I have these kind of thoughts periodically, too. I just think about North Carolina, but I could never leave my S or take my S away from his Mom.
Originally Posted By: Telemark
She said on Sunday she would stay only out of obligation, not out of desire.
Nobody wants this. But I also don't know how much stock I would put in this right now. The old adage - believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do. She is not thinking clearly right now.
I think right now you're a little too close to the action. You could benefit from detaching even more. Living in separate households is a catch-22 though. Speaking from experience, there's benefits and drawbacks to both. I have my days where I really enjoy the space and I have my days where I wish my changes were more visible and I miss my W terribly.
You can take baby steps across the United States and back and and find you are still in the same place you are now. Successful Men do not put up with the behavior you are experiencing. Happy Men do not share their wives with other men.
There does come a time when the Walk-Away-Wife syndrome applies to husbands also... Setting them free is sometimes the only solution to the problem...
Thanks, everyone. You all have provided "pearls of wisdom". I contacted a local credit union this morning and will be transferring all of my accounts to there.
LMH, your comment about wanting to let go and hold on at the same time is spot on. I bounce back & forth several times a day. I do feel that I am a much better man, friend, father and -potential - husband today than I ever was. Too bad it comes with a steep price. JB, thanks as always for your encouragement. Fortunately we do not have the children issue to deal with, so relocating somewhere far away (and warm) would not cause a problem in that regard.
SMcQ,I'm reaching the "set them free" point faster than I thought I would, especially with the latest bit of information. It is difficult and painful to look at my W as the person she has become, and not as the W I married. But that is the reality of today; she is not the same person I married.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
Tele: You have given me wise words about hanging in there, not giving up hope, not to get caught up in the negativity. Same goes for you. You do not know your W is not the woman you married - you only know she is not that woman NOW. The OM is a dead end for her, to be sure, and she needs time IMO, to figure that out. Don't believe everything you hear, remember that.
My doctor, informed of my sitch, said "If you love her, then keep on loving her". Those were wise words for me at this point.
Hang in there.
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Yesterday afternoon I attended our local Habitat for Humanity groundbreaking ceremony for the 100th home to be built/renovated in York. I have provided the construction drawings for the projects through my company for the last couple of years, so I made it onto the VIP list. After the ceremony there was a reception for everyone at a downtown restaurant.
Old Telemark would have passed on the reception; not real good at small talk, uncomfortable with people I don't know well, self-conscious...pick a reason.
New Telemark went and had a great time. All of the old phobias and fears were left at the door. Met new people and made some good contacts, and had requests from the H for H staff to become more involved.
My point is that even in the middle of the crap we are all going through, life goes on. We can sit on the sidelines, stay stuck and bemoan our situations or we can reinvent ourselves for the good of ourselves, our family, our friends and others we haven't met yet.
For any newcomers that have landed here and are reading this, I know the intense pain and despair you are feeling right now. And it may sound like a cliche, but it will get better as time goes on if you take charge of your own life, your own emotions and your own activities. Don't get stuck. Get out of the house. Surround yourself with good people. Move your body. Turn off the TV. Read inspirational books and articles. Volunteer to help those who need help. Do something; do anything.
That is all. Carry on.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
That sounds wonderful Telemark. I am glad you enjoyed your evening and sounds like you are having a good morning. It is a choice every day, a conscious decision that we each have to make. Thanks for the reminder
TM, that's awesome! Habitat is one of those charities I've always considered volunteering for; it must feel so good to see the fruits of your labor turned into homes for those fortunate families! It's also great that you broke out of your shell, so to speak, and went to the reception. That must have also felt good.
Keep up the GAL, you're doing great at it!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
<- That may be your point of contention on this. It probably would make sense to separate the accounts. I don't see any signs on her part of stopping this activity.
It's a good thing to occupy your mind with. I have these kind of thoughts periodically, too. I just think about North Carolina, but I could never leave my S or take my S away from his Mom.