Going N/C wish me perseverance/strength

[Queen_of_Swords]

I understand your perspective Seminole.
It isn't my intent to keep the kids from him or even prevent the visit.
For me the significance is I recognized the feelings that were going to cause me to react rather than act consciously to give an answer, had I not stepped back. That's why I listed my feelings to PEI's question.

This is progress for me.

Ultimately it will be up to my kids if they want to go with their Dad in lieu of being with me this weekend.

I did notice something funny though. When I read your words on me being percieved as an evil B rhymes with witch, the first thought that popped into my head was: " As if I care what he thinks anymore."

Is it detachement? Or is it that I finally have internalized something I have been saying to myself for a long time: " What you think of me is none of my business."

[Queen_of_Swords]

Woke up feeling really lousy today. So I went back to bed for a couple hours.
I dreamt.
For a very long time I have not dreamt or remembered dreams. My sleep has been shattered too long. Interrupted too easily,difficult to find and not restorative.

Although the days and times I conciously allow myself to think about STBX in any way become fewer, it's clear my subconcious mind is chewing on things.

In my dream STBX had come to pick up our kids at my old childhood home. We fought violently. I remember being pushed up against an exterior wall of my childhood home, telling him to just divorce me already, I was sick of living in a hell where he did not love or care for me, and there were others that would. I remember our kids fighting to protect me.

We've never been in a physical altercation in real life. Funny how it comes out in dreams.

I feel so lonely.

[alamo76]

Sorry that you feel lonely, Scylla. But you know what medicine the DB Doctor would prescribe? Yes, you know it -- get distracted. Even if you've already been GALing, now is time to up the ante, even for a while. Go do something you like or have wanted to, and get your mind off those dreams and subsequent feelings.

Hope you feel better.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Sorry that you feel lonely, Scylla. But you know what medicine the DB Doctor would prescribe? Yes, you know it -- get distracted. Even if you've already been GALing, now is time to up the ante, even for a while. Go do something you like or have wanted to, and get your mind off those dreams and subsequent feelings.

Hope you feel better.

Thanks for the well wishes. I guess I'm really feeling the pressure of things now that it's coming close to when
STBX told me he was unhappy 2 years ago. It just keeps dragging on and on seemingly with little to no improvement or change.
I still feel so unwanted.

[~¤DG¤~]

(((hugs)) SC, I know exactly how you feel. I feel that way myself sometimes.
I know it's hard, heck it's the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, but in the end you will be a much stronger woman having gone through all of this. I know right now it doesn't help for me to say this, but some day it will.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Thanks DG, I was already a strong personality, perhaps not strong in the right areas though.
It's just a crazy place to be. On the one hand you want some movement and see none. On the other hand you don't want that movemnt to be further down the road to dissolution.

In the mean time you are trying to live your life like the S isn't coming back, yet not go so far you get involved with someone else.

And yet...you're still doing life by yourself.

[Very Confused]

Thanks DG, I was already a strong personality, perhaps not strong in the right areas though.
It's just a crazy place to be. On the one hand you want some movement and see none. On the other hand you don't want that movemnt to be further down the road to dissolution.

In the mean time you are trying to live your life like the S isn't coming back, yet not go so far you get involved with someone else.

And yet...you're still doing life by yourself.

Wow, SC, this is sums up EXACTLY how I feel. I'm lonely and tired of walking alone life's path alone. Yet I'm not ready to move on to someone else..thanks for the words of wisdom.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Had a brief interaction with STBX the other night, when he dropped off our children. Circumstances were such that the contact could not easily be avoided.

I noticed something that had been flying under the radar of my consciouness for a long, long time.
I percieved it as "normal" up until now, but it is a definite strategy the kids are using in a wholly unconcious manner to feed their need for attention.
It appears my children are using divide and conquer methods between me and my STBX.
They choose to form a group of three by clinging to either one of us ( or a visitor) and engaging, distracting or otherwise drawing attention to themselves in such a way , the other party feels left out, frustrated and can't get a word in edgewise.

Texted this observation to STBX to note in future, so we can stop this and redirect our kids.

Other than that I have not had contact beyond, hello when answering the phone.

This is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Taking it one day at a time and trying to plan things so any contact is minimal.

As far as my emotions go...I'm feeling defeated and starting to believe there will be no restoration. and it's time for me to make a choice. Stay the course or look foward to a future with someone else.
I have GAL as best as I can, but nights are lonely after the kids are in bed.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Update.

H picked up kids on Friday for the weekend to leave town to see extended family. He stayed in the foyer while the kids did a last minute check of things they needed.

He complimented me and told me I looked good. I kept pretty quiet and generated a neutral demeanor.
I thanked him for the compliment.

The Wednesday earlier on visitation pick up he had brought and was lending me a book from a series he and I both enjoy. He picked up the latest installment, and he asked me if I had read it yet. I told him just the first three chapters. (Which is unusual for me...I devour books.)

I gave him some documents sent to me by mistake, and he asked if he could leave them with me until he dropped off the kids. I said no problem (he forgot them at drop off anyway, LOL)

I had a quiet weekend, read and meditated and got some sun.

He dropped off the kids and again complimented me saying, " You look good." ( Who is he fooling, I looked HAWT!) and I thanked him again.
He didn't stick around, and left quickly after saying goodbye to the kids.

[Brian in Hville]

Hey Scylla...Just checking in on you. How do you feel about your situation now? I know you said you are reaching a point where you will have to decide one way or the other. How do you feel about yourself? Are you the best Scylla you can be? Are you good to yourself? I still pray for you daily.

Brian