Hello all, this is my first post here so it may be a bit long but I will try to keep it to the point.
First of all, I've been an observer here for about 6 months and I can't say enough about all the wonderful people here. Although I haven't been an active participant just being able to relate to some of you has truly been a life-saver.
My wife gave me the old ILYBNILWY bomb on 12/31/10 about an hour before the new year. I spent about a week trying to win her back (begging, pleading, etc.) and she seemed to be actually considering changing her mind. We set up an appointment with a counselor for mid January. She informed me before we drove to the appointment that she was done.
I set up a private appointment with the counselor for the next week. Her practice is in the same city as MWD's and she was familiar with her techniques. She sent me home with a copy of the Divorce Remedy which I read in one day and I've been DB'ing ever since. I am so thankful that I got turned on to it so early, I didn't waste too much time pursuing my W.
As a little background my W and I have been together for 10 years, married for 7. We have a S6, D4, and S2. I believe my W is either a WAW or in some sort of MLC. I discovered an EA in Feb. 2009 (while she was pregnant with S2) not sure if it was ever physical though. She broke off contact with OM when I confronted her and things seemed to be going ok for us for the next 1.5 years. I think this is where this all started though. I never thought she was capable of an affair. My trust was really compromised.
In Oct. 2010 she went on a trip back to her hometown and came back a different person. She had lost weight and basically had bought a new wardrobe while she was gone. She was more into spending her free time with friends and the kids/me seemed to be taking a back-seat.
After the bomb I was sleeping on the couch until I got fed up and asked her to move out in mid March (which she was planning on doing anyway but was taking her sweet time). I couldn't take her prancing around the house anymore like life was grand while I was living a complete nightmare. I needed her to go for my own sanity. Soon after she signed a lease and moved out 5/1. The whole time I was DB'ing and things remained pretty civil.
Looking back I see so many signs this was happening for at least 2 years before the bomb. I also have taken a good look at myself and realized so much of my behavior helped trigger this. In a nutshell, once the kids came I became preoccupied with the stress of providing for the family and paying the bills and I just wasn't there for her emotionally the way I needed to be. Meanwhile, she was at home with the kids during the week which took a huge toll on her. I believe neither one of us really took the time to understand how the other was feeling. Plus I didn't really trust her like I used to.
Since she moved we have been getting along well for the most part. She lives close and has the kids during the week and I have them on the weekends. I also take them during the week when she needs me to. I'm doing my best to detach and let her basically initiate any contact which is every other day or so. No pursuing on my part. Most of the time she wants a hug when we part ways after exchanging the kids. I'm not really sure what to think of that. She also seems interested in how I'm doing when we talk so things could be worse I guess. I also feel like I'm doing a pretty good job of GAL...getting out with friends and family, gardening, golfing, etc.
I have also really been making sure to have quality time with the kids when they are here giving them undivided attention which is sort of a 180 for me.
One thing I haven't mentioned yet is I love my W dearly and really want to be a family under the the same roof again. I feel like I am much more in tune with her needs than I ever have been. We aren't even legally separated at this point, she seems to be in no hurry although the subject of mediation has come up a couple times.
I am looking for anyone's opinion on a couple matters. First, she has left a lot of her stuff here. It would help me move forward (not move on)if she were completely moved out. Any suggestions on how to handle this? I don't want to risk pushing her away further. Also, one of the 180's I'm considering is to show more interest in the little things in her life that are important to her that I didn't before but I'm afraid that will be seen as pursuit. I wasn't a very good listener much of the time. Hard to change when you're trying to detach.
I think I'll leave it at that for now. I know I left out many details but this post is long enough. Thanks so much to everyone out there for taking the time to read about my sitch. Any input is much appreciated.
I'm starting to figure out it takes time to get people interested in my sitch. I thought my first post didn't make it but I guess it just took a few days. If nothing else a little journaling will be good for me.
Anyway, today is the 1Oyr. anniversary of our 1st date. My W hadn't remembered this for the past 3 yrs. It was always an important day for us before that though.
I'm doing good tough...no expectations! I know in some corner of her mind she is thinking of me...good or bad.
I'm not going to bother reminding her in any way what day it is. I just feel she knows.
Things are going well in the sense that we are getting along fine.
Something interesting is happening on my end though. I'm feeling more at peace with whatever happens with my sitch. I saw W last night when picking up S6 and D4 to take to my softball game and again this morning for W to pick them up. I really didn't feel much of anything when I saw W.
I think part of this is due to my GAL activities as of late an in the near future. Not much time to dwell on whats going on in my sitch. It feels good.
I went to a concert the other night at Red Rocks (for the first time in years) and I realized how there is a big world out there outside of my R to experience. Trying to enjoy life for the moment. Just to be clear it is all innocent fun.
I also feel like the emotional connection to my W is fading a bit. I'm thinking about her less and really starting to live my own life.
After going through this for the last 6 months I understand how quickly my emotions change so tomorrow I may be in a totally different place.
I wouldn't be here writing this post if my W and M didn't mean everything to me.
For now I'm in a good place. I can only imagine that this is a positive step in my outcome, whatever that might be.
I'm looking forward to hearing from some of you but if you're just stopping in I appreciate that too. ______________________
When you first start posting the posts are moderated so they take longer to appear. Don't worry, it won't always be that way.
I'm glad you decided to post your story, I am sure you will get a lot of very good feedback from the vets as well as other posters.
Like you, I am separated but not legally, and it's been tough. Even though the circumstances stink, are you grateful for the wake up call that some things need to change in your life? Look at this time as an opportunity to reinvent yourself.
What are some of your goals? The spending quality time with your kids is a great one. You will never regret the time you spend with your kids.
It sounds like you are off to a good start, so keep it up.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
A WAS often temp checks the LBS... to make sure they are "doing all right"... it can help them feel good about their choice, allay their guilt, knowing the LBS is ok...
I would not recommend telling her that you're NOT doing ok...
rather... it might be interesting to see what would happen if you were a little more mysterious... distant... unavailable...
that's were GALing come in. If there's specific times she's calling... or if she's texting you... just let her know that "oh, hey... sorry, kinda busy I'm on my way out the door or I'm out right now... can't chat"
See if she becomes curious...
What you are looking for, in a lot of this stuff is, is the WAS moving away, not moving, or moving towards the LBS...
If moving towards, keep doing what you're doing, it's working...
either of the others, stop doing it and try something different...
What 180s have you had a chance to try... what are some "more of the same" behaviours for you that your W has noted she doesn't like?
