My H and I were old friends from way back (used to work together) that reconnected after my divorce. We had a very fast courtship, got engaged after 5 months, but I slowed things down after I saw some anger in him I didn't like. Needless to say I ended up pregnant about 11 months after we started dating and we got married. He changed dramatically after we got married, becoming very controlling and aggressive (i.e. he came home one night and chewed me a new one because I didn't clean enough, despite being 5 months pregnant on bed rest). I had issues of my own, specifically I didn't allow myself enough time to get over my divorce before we became seriously involved. A counselor told me I ended up with someone the polar opposite of my first H, something she said was very common.
Once our child was born, things got worse. I tried to get him to participate in the child care, changing diapers, bathing, etc. He flat out refused, and we ended up in one of our biggest fights ever one night when I told him it was his turn to change a diaper. Shortly after the birth of our child we separated for the first time, for about 8 months. We managed to get things back together and for a while (about a year I guess) things were pretty good.
Then, it started all over. Constant fighting, nothing I did was ever good enough, fast enough, etc. We didn't see his family enough, and apparently they were complaining although no one ever said a word to me. I spent a lot of time with my family because H was never home (season tickets, golf, tennis, softball, guys night out). The crazy thing is, he always managed to turn these things around on me, as though I was the one who a. never let him spend time with the baby (total crap, he went weeks when we were separated and never came to see the baby) and that he wanted to change diapers, bathe, etc, but I wouldn't let him (really????) b. it was my fault his family didn't see the baby, even though they never called to come over, no one ever said a word to me except him, and he never made arrangements to see them. Anyway, I could go on and on with examples, and I know people tend to remember things differently but I SWEAR he's gaslighting me.
Fast forward to this year, things come to a boil and we end up starting with a MC in January and actually make some progress. We have seen MC's before, but this one was different and seemed to get H's attention. Things were definitely improving, although H would downplay it if you asked him. Then, in May we have what I considered a garden variety argument (not a screaming mimi but raised voices) and he gets physical with me. I immediately move out, tell him he must get anger management. He agrees, makes the appointment and when things cool down we decide to try to see if we can save the marriage again.
For a few weeks, things seem tense but OK, moving in the right direction. Then a couple of weeks ago I get the I don't know what I really want speech, at one point he even tells me that the main reason he hasn't pulled the plug is because he will lose a great deal of his income if we get divorced (that's complicated, something about how his company is set up). Gee, but isn't that what every girl wants to hear, right? I get man-handled, but he's really worried about his income. Caught in the middle is our child, and I can not stand the thought of what our divorce would do to her. H is soooo spiteful I know he would put us both through the wringer (sp?).
So why do I want to save my marriage when he sounds like such a peach? I really do love him, he does have a sweet side to him and sometimes can be the most loving, kind and generous person. When things are good, they're really, really good... Last weekend we went to his parents and had a nice day, and I ended up staying over. Had an amazing night. Two days later, he's like a different person, nasty and telling me he doesn't want to see me. We ended up not even speaking on our anniversary. I just don't get it, I am so afraid of the unknown, of missing half my child's life, of how contentious I know divorcing would be, and I feel totally lost and alone. Sorry for how long this is, but it feels great to vent.... any thoughts are greatly appreciated.
As the usual first thread comment goes... sorry you find yourself here...
I have a couple red flags in this. I believe the MWD philosophy that M is not the answer... unless there is abuse...
Of course, this is usually a one sided forum where the spouse who wants to save the M comes here and tells their side. Still, what you have said concerns me...
Has your H only physically touched you ONCE during your R with him? And some of the verbal stuff sounds abusive.
Has your H acknowledged this stuff? Is he looking at anger management or would he consider it?
Personally, I would suggest that is a first effort.
Yes, he is currently in anger management, and immediately realized he was in the wrong. I think many of his problems stem from some crazy family history of his own as well as some abuse he experienced. I'm trying to take all of that into account. Also, our R is the longest one he has ever been in at 5 years. I told him I wanted to talk to the T regarding his anger issues, and he agreed. Haven't done that yet since he's only had a few sessions, but I definitely want some assurances from the T prior to moving back in. Its just so frustrating to hear him now say the things he's saying- makes me feel like I'm disposable.
Nobody has the right to put their hands on their partner. I am glad he is in anger management and I hope he continues. What about you? Are you in C for yourself?
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
Thanks JB, the anger management classes have definitely had an affect- there is a noticeable difference in him these days.
DG, I am actually looking for a C, I would like to go. I have talked to some Cs in the area but for some strange reason there are very few with actual family/marriage counseling certifications. Any advice on what type of certs I should be looking for?
