Just like so many stories I have read on here, I have a fairly sad story as well. We are both in our mid 30s and haven't been married very long.
Things have been bad for the last 6-8 months. I don't know what happened but she started distancing herself more and more. We used to spend all our non-working time together. She started going out with friends more often. I had a problem with this and felt like I was being abandoned. I voiced my concerns but the behavior didn't change. I was just supposed to be okay with it.
I started to get fed up with her spending all her "fun" time with her friends and all the "business" time with me. I wasn't invited to go out with her and her friends. I went a couple times in the beginning but after that I was cut off.
And, it just got worse from there. I feared the worst and hoped for the best. I tried talking to her about our problems and we seemed to work through things for awhile but it would always go back to being bad.
I think I got the ILYB bomb sometime in April. I asked her what does that mean for our relationship? Did she want a divorce? Would she consider counseling? She said no to a divorce and no to counseling but wanted to know if I would be willing to live somewhere else for awhile. I didn't like that idea and told her so. But, I said if it was the only thing that would give the marriage a chance, I'd do it. But I said I hoped that she would give it a few weeks and see if we could work on things.
A few weeks passed and nothing had changed. I started going to counseling on my own since she wouldn't go with me. I convinced her to go to 2 sessions. The first went pretty good but at the second one she said that she was done and didn't want to work on anything any longer. That's when plans for me to move out were firmed up.
Fast forward to today. I still haven't moved out but I have plans to do so in a week. I don't really have anywhere to go and needed to save up a bit for an apartment. She was fine with that.
We have been getting along fairly well lately. There are times when I forget that there's anything wrong with our marriage. But there are also times when it's just incredibly awkward being in the same house.
She still goes out a lot. I'm guessing just to get away from me. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to and I've been encouraging her to get out and have fun despite our problems at home. We have been getting along fairly well recently but I'm still moving out. She says she doesn't want a divorce and I've even offered her one recently. She sounded shocked and said that's not what we had agreed to do. She says that she wants to work on things and take baby steps to see what can be salvaged, if anything.
We have separated our finances and that wasn't very painful besides a couple hiccups. But finances and spending habits have been a flash point for both of us over the years. So, maybe that's for the best. Besides, if we're not living together, I think it causes so much less of a headache and heartache if we aren't worried about what the other is doing with their money.
We had a good talk about our expectations moving forward last night. It ended well and I think we were both pretty clear with telling the each other what we want and expect. I told her that if we were ever to reconcile and go back to living together, then things would have to change and that I wouldn't come back to the same unhappy marriage. She agreed. She might go to counseling on her own. That's something we discussed. If she does, that will be a big step for her.
I am convinced there isn't an OM. I had doubts for a long time but I am convinced now that there isn't. Mostly because I've given her so many outs and she won't take them. I don't think she's lying to me. Besides, I have to trust her or what's the point of wanting to get back together?
So, that's the brief version of the story with many, many details left out. It's hard to let go because she says that she wants to work on things (kind of like dating each other), but just living separately. I have a lot of doubts swimming around in my head, but I guess I have to trust her and trust the situation and see what happens. My other option is to throw up my hands and say that it's over and that I don't care any longer. But, I can't honestly say that to myself or anyone else. I still love her very much and I do hope it works out between us... we both have to be happy though. Right now, neither of us is happy.
I would like to suggest two books, MWD's DB and [edited by dbmod to remove reference: advertising/book not recommended].
I am kind of stunned by what you have written. You sound like you don't want your marriage to end, but with the exception of getting into two counseling sessions, you seem to have given up and are deferring to her request for you to move out. Perhaps some of the details left out are what you have don't in the area of Getting a Life (GAL), any 180's you have tried to change the dynamic in your marriage so she will need to view you and relate to you in a different way.
GAL & 180's are things you can do to try to save your marriage, but you don't seem to be indicating that you are doing any of them.
If you are happy with the idea of a separation and "work on some things (kind of like dating each other" with you "wife," then that is your choice (or maybe her choice that you are deferring to.)
I am sorry that you are feeling bad. I would suggest that you get a few books on how to improve your relationship with your wife and that you do some things to improve yourself and to change the dynamic in your relationship with your wife in a positive way. Good luck.
Last edited by dbmod; 07/09/1112:34 AM.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
I just started reading DR last night and read about 60 pages before it started getting too late to continue. I'm at work now but plan on staying in and reading some more tonight.
I don't want my marriage to end. I love her very much. I have been going to counseling every week for about 2 months now (and a couple before that but I didn't like the counselor so I found a new one). She was the one who only went to two counseling sessions with me before she called it quits. I can't force her to go.
I am not happy with the idea of separation but things at home are bad. Neither one of us is happy and she continues to be hot/cold all the time. I don't want to go... at all. The thought of it tears me up inside. It's my home too and I will miss everything associated with it. I've put a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into that place, literally and figuratively.
I've been trying to GAL. I don't have many friends because I was so much into my wife for as long as we've been together. I made my life all about her and not very much about me, which was a huge mistake. I've been slowly rebuilding my friend base and finding things that interest me... but it's been slow. Good friends are not easy to come by for me. I've spent a lot of time on the house in the last few years and I've turned down a lot of social invites to work on the house. It's coming back to bite me now. But, I'm working on it. I'm working on a list of things that I would like to do for me and I'm going to follow through with those.
In case you're wondering why I agreed to move out of the house instead of insisting that she leave, it's because she bought the place before we were married, it's been in her family for a long time, and it's in her name. Where I live, I only have legal rights in the case of a divorce to money that I've put into the house (improvements, labor, and if it sold for a profit... it won't). We haven't been married very long and that will play into any legal decisions as well... meaning that I won't get much of anything and I won't be liable for much of anything either. Also, I know I couldn't afford to live in that house with my income alone. I don't know how the W is planning on affording it herself. So, if she insists we have to separate, then after months of talking about it, I decided it might be best to move out.
In a way, I have been doing a 180. Any time we would have a disagreement, I would defer to her. That's no longer the case. While I don't actively seek out conflict with her, I don't always defer. I have also backed off. I don't follow her through the house trying to force conversation or R talks. I don't call her unless it's to talk about business and I don't text either. I don't tell her I love her and haven't for months, although that used to be something I did often even though she wouldn't say it back. I hardly ever send her any emails (1 or 2 a week) and they generally are not social communications). When I do see her, I try to be upbeat and excited for whatever she's doing, but I don't invest time in trying too hard to be with her. I don't know if these are the right things to do but it's what I've been doing. I don't know if they're working. I think I have noticed some more attention from her when we're together and our conversations don't seem to be as awkward as they were.
Like I mentioned, I'm reading DR and I'm really going to dive into it tonight. She won't be home until late and I should be able to read without many distractions.
Last night was rough for me. She told me point blank that she was "staying at a friend's house" for the night and wouldn't give me any details about who or what they were doing. She looked really good when she left. My reaction was to tell her to have a good time and I tried to come off like it didn't really matter to me what she did, but friendly and supportive. It was tough. I hated last night. I couldn't stop thinking about who she was with or where she was. I didn't text or call her but I was burning with jealousy. This re-kindles my feelings that there has to be a OM even though I just posted yesterday that I was sure there wasn't. Even if there is, I can't control what she thinks or does. What can I do?
What's holding me back is money and no where else to go. I just found out today that the apt I want is available but it will take them 1-2 weeks to get it ready (paint, clean the carpets, repairs, etc.. standard apt stuff I guess). I can move out next week when I get paid again without issue. I don't want to move out but that's what is going to happen.
You're right that she doesn't respect or admire me any longer. That's a terrible thing to realize but I realized it a couple months ago. I'm trying to get it back by showing her that she's wrong about me through my actions now. Not that I think I did too much wrong in our relationship but I do admit that there are things about me that I can improve. I think she has problems too, but I can only work on my issues, not hers. I hope that I'm not too late in trying to change what I need to change.
I do listen to her and I try to do what she expects and wants. But, at the same time, I've always done that, sometimes to a fault. I've been deferring to her for a long time and it's become a problem because I became all about her and none about me. I've ignored my needs to be chivalrous and it's kicked me right in the butt in this situation. So, I've been backing off on agreeing to jump when she says jump. It wasn't always like that either. Not in the first couple years. I think the relationship was going south so I started giving more and more until she didn't respect me any longer. I gave her all the power in the relationship... that was a bad thing to do.
HBE. Since the moderator will not allow me to tell you about a book that you really need to read in addition to MWD, you are going to have to do some research.
You are letting your wife walk over you. There is a famous relationship author who has described this situation and some of his ideas fit very well with MWD. I strongly suggest that you follow some of the suggestions that MWD has on 180's and GAL.
From your posts, you are describing yourself as a "nice guy." The Nice Guy syndrome is associate with men who have been raised by women, had mostly teachers as women and who have not had a lot of men as mentors or authority figures.
One of the best ways to combat Nice Guy syndrome is to work hard on GAL and becoming a "better man."
You might want to search some of the other and older posts, especially in the Sex Starved Marriage section of this website, where this topic has been discussed in the past.
Good luck to you.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
HBE. Since the moderator will not allow me to tell you about a book that you really need to read in addition to MWD, you are going to have to do some research.
You are letting your wife walk over you. There is a famous relationship author who has described this situation and some of his ideas fit very well with MWD. I strongly suggest that you follow some of the suggestions that MWD has on 180's and GAL.
From your posts, you are describing yourself as a "nice guy." The Nice Guy syndrome is associate with men who have been raised by women, had mostly teachers as women and who have not had a lot of men as mentors or authority figures.
One of the best ways to combat Nice Guy syndrome is to work hard on GAL (as is recommended by MWD) and use your GAL activities to become a "better man."
You might want to search some of the other and older posts, especially in the Sex Starved Marriage section of this MWD website, where this topic has been discussed in the past.
Good luck to you.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
I've moved out and have had very little contact with my W. I have had "business" type conversations with her mostly and we attended an event this past Sunday together... for reasons beyond me, she suggested we go together. It was a good time. It was the first time we have gone anywhere together in a very long time. There was polite conversation and we enjoyed the event. I enjoyed the company as I have been fairly lonely lately. But it still felt awkward. I made certain to not bring up the relationship and just be happy.
It bothers me to not know what she's doing but I don't make excuses to call or stop by the house. In fact, I call before I stop by the house (I still have stuff to move). But I would still like to know. I usually get the worst case scenarios running through my head and that's never fun. Usually when that happens I just wind up making myself angry or depressed. I try to stop those thoughts, but it's not easy.
I am still going to therapy (still alone) once a week but I took this week off because my schedule has been crazy with moving. I have been moved out about 3 weeks now but I stayed somewhere else before I got my apartment.
I have been going out more often and have been meeting new friends via other friends. The freedom has been nice but I do miss her. It's been a long time since I've lived my life for myself.
It's kind of crazy to find out how many people have been through my exact same situation. I mention that I am separated from my wife and that it was her decision and not mine... and it seems like everyone has a similar story to tell.
Almost everyone urges me to get a divorce and do it sooner rather than later but I still want to try to save the M. There is still some hope there inside of me somewhere. No matter how much she makes me angry and hurt, I still love her.
I don't think she is interested in filing for divorce any time soon but she certainly doesn't seem like she wants to spend much time with me or even talk to me. But, then again, she surprises me once in awhile too. I know she is still going out quite often because when we do talk, we usually ask each other how we've been doing. It sounds like she's having the time of her life. She says this is who she was before she met me but I don't quite believe that's necessarily true. We talked a lot about who we were before we met during our relationship and nothing she ever told me matches up to what she's doing now. But there's nothing I can do to control her behavior. I feel helpless.
We haven't had any type of intimacy at all although she has acted warmly towards me a few times. We have both always been very polite to each other through all this. I guess if there's courtesy, there must be some kind of respect there. She has also been very good about letting me slowly move my stuff so I don't have to take time off work to do it.
Well, back to GAL and 180s. I just wanted to post an update because I thought it might help to write about it.
