I will say that my efforts with regard to my R have followed the following path:
PAST 1st bomb drop in Feb. - Half hearted attempt at DB. - Some changes for my wife's benefit. - Belief that sitch is a bump in the road. - Complete blind faith that M will work out. - Filter out what I wanted to hear as nice to know.
2nd bomb drop (letter Bomb) in Start of June. - Attempt to try DR techniques , read 27 rules. - Changes for her and my benefit. - Realization that sitch is much worse than I thought. - Scared about uncertainty but still believing in M. - Implement some DR techniques.
PRESENT 3rd bomb drop (A bomb) July 3rd. - Doing my best to continue DR plan, live by 27 rules. - Changes primarily for me and the kids, still some for her. - Realization that sitch is in critical condition. - Devastated at reality of M, realization that Old M is dead, hope fading. - Following DR board communities advice.
FUTURE 4th bomb (hasn't dropped yet) getting prepared - will not react emotionally. - will step back emotionally and physically to think. - will come here first to think and plan response. - will continue DR techniques,. ** more to follow **
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
I read your last post on your old thread and I will say this:
We ALL understand that pain that you are experiencing. It is gut wrenching and at times I felt like I didn't want to live anymore. Not suicidal, just lost my will to live.
This place is a safe place for you to write whatever it is you are feeling, and we understand it. The advice/suggestions that are given to you is simply that-advice & suggestions. We want YOU to become the best man that you can be regardless of the outcome of your M.
I always say that while I regret the circumstances that made this all happen, I am happy that I am given the gift of changing my life for the better.
You are off to a great start. Just one day at a time.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
I am truly greatfull for the opportunity to grow a better me. For the most part I was pretty damn wonderful before, but now... Even better.
I will make other discoveries I'm sure in the future that will help me evolve. I must say that right now I am definitely in the anger stage of grief. That's why I am minimizing my contact.
I saw my W briefly over breakfast this morning b4 I left the house. She did not look happy, maybe it was the black makeup around her eyes that set it off, I don't know. I'm sure she is in a bad place right now.
I am not expecting any positive interactions with her for a while. But, when we do talk, I will not react emotionally, I will be in control of myself.
When she does approach me, should I defer the conversation until I am ready to talk or, simply hear her out and take that away?
Here is a list of what I have done so far to GAL
1. Went out mysteriously and not told her where. 2. Continued gym regimen 3. Continued diet (I have lost 39 lbs since Feb. Down to 211 this am 4. Say prayers and have one on one time with each of the kids daily 5. Kept up my share of the household chores 6. More physical activity 7. New clothes to replace the baggy ones 8. Virtually eliminated my dependance on her for rides as I don't drive
Here is what I am planning to add:
1. I'm getting contacts to ditch ugly glasses. 2. Taking the kids to retirement home to GAL.
***** does anyone have any more suggestions to make her wonder?
I also need to find a way that I can deal with the jealousy, mistrust, anger of her A. I am worried that if I don't cope with it now, it will just get worse. It is driving me crazy thinking about her with another man.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
It never used to be that way, although I have always talked openly about my feelings. She has become more withdrawn over the years, thats where she is more like a man emotionally. I suspect that it has to do with a childhood incident of touching when she was younger, in addition to her home daycare crisis, midlife crisis (being a mother so young) and her dissatisfaction with me. She tried to tell me about the abuse once, but I asked not to know who it was because that was easier for me. (what a jerk). I think she needs to deal with that in therapy for her own sake.
She has a pattern even before me, of cheating on every boyfriend she ever had. I naively thought that she wouldn't do that if she was bound by matrimony. When we first started dating it started as friendship but quickly progressed to sexual... REALLY GREAT SEX. She had tried to break it off with me a few times during that period, but the breakup sex pulled us back together. Come to think of it, I suppose I did do DB techniques even back then... It was when I gave up on her and let her go, and we were just friends, that she came back to me. GOD what I would give for some of that breakup sex now! (don't worry, Sandy, I won't act on that... Or should I... JK). I remember thinking how jealous I was back then of her boyfriend at the time having sex with her, but I told myself that I didn't care and moved on dating other women... I'm sure that she was jealous seeing me with other women and that scared her that she would lose me. (made her wonder back then...) How do I do it now?...
Also, to answer your questions about the parental situation... her mother is a very emotionally closed person. Her father, just like me, very open. I love her parents. Her parents live about 8 hours away from us. I think she resents the fact that mine are only 20 mins away. Naturally we see my P more than hers. I do rely on my P due to my visual disability. I also believe that it is important to have a strong familial bond, she does not share my views, as both sets of her grandparents and family's lived far away, and had little contact.
Personally, I think she is keeping everything from her parents because she knows what their reaction will be. I can see how wrong it was for me to "tell on her to her sister". I wish I could undo that. I asked her sister to keep it confidential, and she agreed. Sooner or later, I will have to answer for the calls to her sister and OM.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Being mysterious is something that either is or isn't. Putting in on in an effort to be attractive to her is a waste of time in my opinion.
It would be far better if you were simply making your own plans and moving forward, respecting the desire that she has expressed to live separately.
Seems to me that it is difficult when you are still in the freshness of this devastating news to realize that most of what will work runs counter to what your gut is screaming at you to do.
Chances are good that you did not originally catch her eye by bending over backwards trying to catch her eye. She wouldn't have been tricked by you then, and she sure won't be tricked by you now.
She wants to be done, so you should be in the process of developing a life that does not include her.
You said yourself that the potential loss of you actually led her back to you before. By that way, the fact that she has a history of not being faithful should be troublesome to you, and it should impact any potential reconciliation in the future. You don't want to see things rebuilt, and then going through this same stuff in another five years or so.
Genuine, honest, dependable, confident...these are the things that make an attractive man.
Worry, fretting, supplication, constant contact...these things are needy and unattractive.
Why in the world would you need to let her know that you are going out? If you need the kids taken care of, I suggest that you call her first, ask her if she is available to cover the kids for you, and if she hesitates at all, find someone else.
You have to play this straight, and she does too. You can't ask to be done, then expect to be filled in on all the details of a life you've chosen to walk away from.
I know you're thinking this all sounds antagonistic, and I assure you that is not what I'm suggesting at all.
I'm suggesting that you RESPECT her expressed desires and begin building a good life for yourself.
Then let's see how things go.
No faking it.
Get real.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Not to discount what anyone else has posted to you (myself included), but Bworl has given you your roadmap, right here and in his previous post to you. ^^^
If you followed NOTHING else, this -- in my opinion and experience -- gives you the best chance of being happy and healthy.
I can see your points. I will say this however, I cannot discount the influence of the other factors that are putting pressure on her as well (see my previous post)
In essence I am putting the blocks in place to building a nice life for me, with or without her. I am simply trying to make her wonder... I will plant the seed of wonder with the note. Just like she does to me every time she goes out. Not a game rwally, courtesy.
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
