Can I "fake" GAL?

[Very Confused]

Journaling...

So I did some things that I am not proud of re: his dating profiles. Long story short, he has deleted them and he doesn't know that I know he had them. I can forgive him for it because I know that my actions in the marriage caused his thinking to be the way it is. Honestly, I feel sorry for him, because he posted some new pictures on those dating profiles and I can see the misery in his eyes. I know him, and I can see the difference in the pictures he took while we are together vs. the ones after our separation. He was lonely and looking for friends..possibly more. I just wish he would have turned to me first, but I understand why he didn't. All I can do is show him the new me and pray he gives our marriage another chance.

A few weeks back, I caught him in a lie regarding him going out of town. I called him on it and he told me that he feels the need to lie to me because of my jealousy and the fact that I get mad if he hangs out with girls from work (in a group). I validated him at the time, because he is 100% right. I would fly off the handle and be super jealous anytime he would go out to lunch with co-workers. I told him that I would no longer get upset with him doing things, as long as he was forthcoming and didn't lie to me either outright or by omission. He knows I am really trying to restore the trust between us.

My H calls me out of the blue on Sunday while I am getting ready for work. He tells me that he is on his way to a small get together with his co-workers. He basically said he had told me that he was not going to lie to me any more, and he was serious about letting me know what he is doing as long as I don't get mad. I validated, thanked him, and was very appreciative. Then we chatted for a few minutes. A big 180 for me and a big step for him as well, considering he really didn't need to tell me anything since I would never have found out. Later that night, he texted me a bunch during my lunch break. It was really nice and upbeat. I thanked him again for his openness and honesty.

He called me again on Monday night right after he got off from work, just like he did when we were together. I am trying not to read too much in to these interactions, but I see big positives in the effort he is putting forth.

[Very Confused]

Mod..I have another post I made to this thread from 4 days ago that hasn't shown up. Thanks.

Journaling..I have not idea if this is all repeated stuff since I can't see my last post. I'm not upset with him any longer over the dating profiles. He took them down, and it is like I got a private glimpse into his head and what he is feeling. Obviously these are things that he would never, ever share with me because they are hurtful. He always used to say that to me. He didn't want to tell me about my shortcomings as a wife because he didn't want to hurt me. How was I ever supposed to learn if he didn't share with me? I have owned my faults and realized how I made him feel in the marriage. I am ashamed of it and realize how he must have felt. I am working on forgiving myself.

Am I approaching my trial separation the right way? The fact that I am following DB guidelines by trying to GAL and looking good and being happy whenever I see him or interact with him? Is dropping the rope absolutely necessary? The clock is ticking for our lease renewals. I have exactly 14 days. I have talked or texted him everyday this week so far. That is progress in my book, but I am afraid that his feelings of love won't return for him to want to give our marriage another shot. That is out of my hands, and I will have to accept the D if that is what he wants. That's when I will drop the rope..

[Very Confused]

So I made it through another long work weekend. My H and I spoke, emailed, and/or texted every day this past week. That is a first since we separated 3 1/2 months ago. He said he is going to call to chat again tonight. Our talks our always light and I try to be as happy as possible and focus on him and let him take the lead with talking. This is one of my 180s. I am trying to not get my hopes up over any of this because I noted in the last email he sent me that he took my "pet name" out of the contacts. Oh well. I'm trying not to read too much in to that either..but I cannot help it.

Things are looking up with my job schedule. I will be able to quit working every weekend in about a month. I am so excited! I told him yesterday and he seemed pretty surprised I did that. I have worked every single weekend for the last 1 1/2 years and I feel that my work schedule really drove us apart. We could never do things together or take trips because of me. Now that I will have every weekend off, I'll either really be able to GAL or focus on the marriage. I can't wait.

[seeking answers]

Very Confused,

As for the dating profile your H had up, how close were you to the description of what he was looking for in a companion when you met him?

I don't advise snooping either but since you did, you have an idea of what he is looking for. I'm sure there are at least some of those things on his 'list' that you used to be like before life got in the way.

What about getting back to them? More like the girl he married.

You're doing well. Keep doing what's working. Don't over analyze everything as you'll drive yourself insane.

Keeping looking for those ways to GAL. A happy, confident person is very attractive.

[Very Confused]

I wish dreams could come true..Usually I have really bad ones about my H and I have to wake up and tell myself it was just a dream. This time is was so good..then I had to tell myself the same thing. It made me so sad, more so than I have been in a long time.

I am hopeless today, missing my H, getting impatient. I just want to know either way which way we are heading. Not too different from any other person on here, right? To answer the question regarding how close I am to what he is looking for? I have everything he's looking for on paper. It's like he was trying to re-create what we had together, but he never let me in to his "soul" as he calls it. He would never open up to me, and when I would ask why, he would say "I don't want to sound like a little B!tch". So I don't know if he wasn't comfortable with me or what. We did have a great heart to heart a few nights before he moved out and he was surprised at how well I understood his feelings..but at that point he had totally checked out and I don't think God himself could have convinced my H to work on the marriage.

I have 11 days until I have to give notice to vacate my apartment. And so does he. I am trying to remain hopeful. But when I think of us living together again, I just can't picture it in my head. How do you go from 0 time together to 100% of the time together?

[Very Confused]

So tonight I had to snap the rubber band on my wrist to maintain NC. I don't know what was so hard about tonight. Part of it's because we've been speaking almost daily in some form or fashion. So I had all but given up for today and he called me. I was so excited. I know my moods shouldn't hinge on whether or not we have contact..I just can't help it. I hide it from him of course, but I don't have to pretend to be happy when I'm speaking to him, because I really am. I'm fully aware of the fact that I haven't let go or dropped the rope.

So we talked briefly then he texted me a bunch before he went to bed. For the first time in about 6 months, it felt like the "old us". It was fantastic and I hope he felt it too.

[Very Confused]

Sometimes I am so down regarding my M and situation, I can hardly stand it. I still haven't forgiven myself for treating him so badly that he had to leave. I am trying to make myself the kind of woman he would want to be with. I pray that he gives me another chance, but with each passing day, I think my odds are decreasing. I'm in the infancy of this whole process, but each day feels like an eternity. What I wouldn't give to wipe the slate clean and start over. I meant it when I said for better or worse.

I'm just afraid that he's looking for the "next best" thing before he decides to let me go. I've heard of this referred to as monkeying..where they don't let go of one branch before they grab another. I guess this stems from what I read in his dating profiles. Also, the fact that he even had them up while I'm studying DB, 5 LL, this board, getting IC and he's out looking for "the one" seriously upsets me. I was trying to work on myself and the M all while he lied to my face, saying he was working on himself, and had those profiles on the internet. I guess I am still a little upset over all that. But as my momma used to tell me, "Honey, life isn't fair sometimes."

I know all this is not up to me, it's all his decision, but it still hurts regardless. I'm just tired of living alone. I hate not coming home to anyone besides my kitty. No one to share my daily life with. I know either way, I will be ok, but I'm just scared I'm going to lose my best friend.

[~¤DG¤~]

Confused-

You & I sound so much alike. We really do.

I also treated my H badly and up until recently, beat myself up for it continuously.

A couple things stick out for me when I read your posts:

- you seem to be basing ALL of your happiness on whether or not your M will survive this. I know it's consuming you, like it's consuming all of us.

- are these changes for you or for your H?
Of course we want out S's to notice our changes, but as it is has been pointed out to me, DB is really about saving yourself.
If you change only for your H, it won't work.

Like I said, these are only observations on my end.
I just want you to be the most successful person you can be.

[Very Confused]

I am totally consumed and obsessed, you are absolutely right DG. Thank you for your input. I know I'll have no choice to move on and seek happiness from within if he tells me he has made up his mind and wants a D. I guess I'm just faking my happiness around him for the time being. Well, I am happy during our interactions, then I go back to over analyzing and freaking out when they are over.

Unfortunately, I was completely oblivious as to how he felt during the M until he had totally checked out and told me he wanted to move out. So for now, my main goals are to work on keeping the house clean, be less selfish, be more caring and loving, and less jealous. After realizing he was right, I knew I had to make the changes for me, but he gave me the biggest wake up call of my life.

I think I need to read DB again and brush up. I think I've fallen off the wagon a bit.

[~ kd ~]

VC, I am sorry you are still so sad...

Really, it's time to stop waiting on your H's decision.

As difficult (impossible) as this might seem to you right now, it is time to take charge of your own life and start moving forward.

No matter how bad you think you treated your H, you feel much worse because it seems like the reason he left, when in reality you likely didn't treat him as bad as you think and he's actually taken advantage of you with "reasons".

I sometimes think that the WAS hides their turmoil and disdain or doubt over the M until the finally leave the M, because until then, they are secretly afraid that the LBS will attempt to con them back in...

But in the end... all that has already happened to this point... that's history... it will never happen again, so no need to study it like there's a re-test.

The future...? That's a blank page for you to define and live... make sure you put lots of smiley faces on it, k...?