First time poster. Although my lady and I were never married, we were close a few times and I really identify with a lot of what I'm reading on this site. I'm 35, she's 29. I ordered the books and have read through some of the advice on 180, Last Resort, etc.
My basic story is:
I met my Significant Other (SO) in grad school 3.5 years ago. It was an intense and passionate love affair from day one. We were living together within a month, engaged in 5, and moved across the country from Boston to SF together in 6.
Shortly after arriving here, the explosive fights began. She's Spanish and full of fire, and I'm Irish with the same. We had one of those on again, off again relationships for a few years.
The truth is a lot of the fights started with my dissatisfaction. I'm slightly OCD and a perfectionist and I would get in a bad mood over her not being "perfect". There were never affairs, but there were longings that she sensed.
Long story short from October to April she was really putting the screws down on me about getting married and making this official. The more she pushed the more I resisted. We went through the motions to get it all done at the county courthouse a few times, but then backed off. And finally at the end of April, she left.
She moved across town and we've only spoken a handful of times since. In the last few weeks I've gotten increasingly desperate. I've shown up at her new place and she's had a guy over. I've left gifts. I've written or texted just about every other day telling her that I never committed because I was sad and afraid and I'm now in therapy and know what it will take to make her happy. I'm telling her how much I'm changing and learning about WHY I wasn't able to show up in the way she needed.
This has all been met with "I'm glad you're figuring stuff out, but I don't want to share my life with you anymore. It will be great for 4-6 months again, but then just fall apart in the long run."
I know she loves me underneath all the armor she has up. She's told me how much she wanted to have my babies and grow old with me and that I broke her heart in not wanting the same. The truth is I did want the same, I just got so scared every time I thought about it.
She has this vibrant social life now (she took about 80% of our friends with her in the break-up). She's dating (nothing too serious, I think, but I know she's sleeping with someone). She says she feels like her life is legitimately better and more fun and relaxed without the constant insecurity of trying to get me to show up.
So, what the heck can I do? I'm a total desperate wreck. One friend said I should try the water on a stone technique and leave a note or gift for her on her doorstep once a week for a few months. Others say it's over and try to move on. My gut says go over there with a ring, get on my knees and tell her I've been a fool and that I want to spend the rest of my life with her -- although I tried TELLING her that right after the breakup to no avail.
Please help me. I desperately want to salvage this relationship.
Thanks, Ed
Me: 39 - W: 35 Together: 2 years, no kids My Affair: 1.5 years Affair ended: 4/9/14 Affair revealed: 5/19/14 Last Contact: 8/2/14
My gut says go over there with a ring, get on my knees and tell her I've been a fool and that I want to spend the rest of my life with her -- although I tried TELLING her that right after the breakup to no avail.
That is extremely unattractive.
Pursuing will get you nowhere.
She lost respect for you when she was in pursuit and you resisted. She lost trust in you when you failed to meet her emotional needs.
Originally Posted By: DBinSF
This has all been met with "I'm glad you're figuring stuff out, but I don't want to share my life with you anymore. It will be great for 4-6 months again, but then just fall apart in the long run."
Listen what she is telling you here.
You need to become the world's most interesting and attractive man. No begging, gifting, kneeling and crying will do that.
Actions not words. She does not trust your words, so don't waste your breath.
Start working on yourself to become attractive again. You have been honest about your failures so list them all and understand how they contributed to the fall of your R.
Change the way you think about your current situation.
Women like confident, strong and honest men. The want to feel safe and secure in their relationships.
If you are able to get her to come out and meet, you need to be the catnip.
Your relationship as it stands is dead.
If you want a new one, you need to change the dynamics and the approach.
