Walking in Muskeg - Part IV - Squishy Rubber Boots

[seeking answers]

QoS,

It appears that your H is speaking to you in a Love Language. What is his, yours?

[Queen_of_Swords]

His Primary LL is Touch, followed by Words of Affirmation far as I can tell.
My Primary is Quality Time, followed by Words of Affirmation.

However, I notice we both tend to "speak" in Acts of Service.
Although I'm trying to tailor my message since reading about Five Love Languages.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Called my counselor today.
Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of the STBX taking a hike.

I need to figure out why I fear telling him I'm done, divorce me already, I don't want to be your friend.

I don't know why I'm resistant to it. Not an earthly, but I am reluctant for those words to pass my lips. Something is keeping me quiet. What is it?

[Queen_of_Swords]

I had three messages waiting in a seldom used email account. So I opened them. As I clicked through and deleted them, the email bomb popped onto my screen.
I read it.
It didn't hurt this time.

[Queen_of_Swords]

Read about Truegritter's latest actions and decision and had tears running down my face the whole time.

Regrettably, I believe I am at that fork in the road too.
I am weighing and measuring and writing script in my head, here, and on paper about what I will say and how I will say goodbye to my STBX. I haven't yet made a decision on when this will happen, but I'm feeling an internal drive for it to be soon.

I failed at busting my divorce. Simple as that.

I am now convinced any and all the changes I could have made and did make in myself would not have changed this outcome.

In my perception, he didn't want me, he doesn't want me or the life we shared.
His apathy and inaction is not in any way a reflection of indecision in my perspective. It's just his pattern, to wait for someone else to take the initiative and do the heavy lifting.

He has no appreciation for me as a person or for who I really am, he can't see beyond the past or the behaviors I once exhibited/owned and have changed.

He doesn't love our kids or himself enough to do the work necessary ti be a family. Our kids are not worth the energy, I am not worth the energy, and he appears to feel he isn't worth the energy either.

He's not coming back, and I have to move on without a partner, companion and lover in my life.
I'm almost 50 and I'm alone with two kids to raise to adulthood. That's the reality.
I now have to provide for them and myself and figure out a way to do that on the assumption the STBX is as good as dead to me for all intents and purposes.

I think it's time to say fini. It may take weeks or even a few months.

I'm tired. I'm tired of caring for someone that can't and won't choose to care in return. I'm tired of being tired, watching and waiting. Now I believe I need to walk away.

I don't think I'll be posting here much anymore, it seems pointless and unproductive.

[beatrice]

We all know when we have had enough. MLC takes a very long time to work through. The quick ones are rare.

You do not need to say goodbye though. Saying nothing can be more eloquent, unless the WAS makes some move towards you, as MHL and TGs wives have done.

I am sorry also you will not be posting. It can be useful even if only occasionally. Our reactions continue to take us by surprise even after a number of years.

What I am most sad about is your conviction that he never wanted the life you shared. that is MLC bs and it isn't doing you any good to think it was never OK. It can risk cutting you off from your memories.

I have been there, and it seems very bleak at times, but hang in there, life gets better for you, and your kids, I promise. It truly is their loss, and it is very very sad. You feel like the loser now in all of this, but actually it is him. I do not know a single person who was left who didn't make a good life for themselves. And I do not know a single person who left who did. What goes around comes around.

People who leave a loving spouse and family are really struggling with their issues. You do not feel it at present, but it is your spouse who is to be pitied. I wish I could have a coffee or a glass of wine and watch a movie, and just laugh about stuff. You sound like you need a little fun.

There are lots of us here post divorce, and frankly I do not feel like a loser. I really don't. Times when I did, pre- divorce, but after comes great liberation.

My kids friends' - mine are now all grown up, think my xh was a fool to leave. You can be a woman only a fool would leave, and there are fools out there. If you do not think you will ever have another romance, all I can say is do you ever read these boards? Those who are not with someone have usually chosen not to be.





He is nuts right now.

[goodattitudegirl]

QOS,

Beatrice is a very wise woman. Please take to heart what she has written........... and if you need to take a break from posting right now, you will always be welcomed back. This journey doesn't end at a certain time or with a specific event. We are all on journeys here. By sharing, we all learn from one another.

((((HUGS))))))

GAG

[Queen_of_Swords]

We all know when we have had enough. MLC takes a very long time to work through. The quick ones are rare.

Yes, and I've done my time. 26 years of giving him the best I had to give and 2 years of real work to make positive changes in myself and my life.
It made no fricking difference to him, but was well worth it for me.

You do not need to say goodbye though. Saying nothing can be more eloquent, unless the WAS makes some move towards you, as MHL and TGs wives have done.

What do you mean, makes some move toward me?
Hmm is saying nothing more eloquent? Why do you believe that's so?
From my POV it may not matter to him to say to goodbye, but I darn well know not saying anything lets STBX believe I'm ok with things as they are, and I most definitely am not ok with things as they are.

I am sorry also you will not be posting. It can be useful even if only occasionally. Our reactions continue to take us by surprise even after a number of years.

True and I did not say I will never post again. I just don't see any point in it right now, not for me. It's not helping me as much as I had hoped, and seeing so many marriages die here is painful and discouraging. The personal and little successes are wonderful to witness. Overall though.....

This path, as I see it is one you pretty much walk alone. There is no real way to ease the pain and sadness.
Your choices in the end are yours to make and you live with the results.

What I am most sad about is your conviction that he never wanted the life you shared. that is MLC bs and it isn't doing you any good to think it was never OK. It can risk cutting you off from your memories.

Beatrice, when I look back, all I see now is a man that did what he thought was "expected" of him. It wasn't what he consciously chose, he just went with the flow like a dead salmon after spawning.
Did he want what we had? At this point looking backward, I can say he probably thought he wanted that, until he didn't anymore, sometime after our first child was born, and I was too busy to notice.

I have been there, and it seems very bleak at times, but hang in there, life gets better for you, and your kids, I promise. It truly is their loss, and it is very very sad. You feel like the loser now in all of this, but actually it is him. I do not know a single person who was left who didn't make a good life for themselves. And I do not know a single person who left who did. What goes around comes around.

Yes, I agree. In my STBX's case history repeats itself. He will get exactly what he did not want. He will be left as his own father was left, in spite of the fact that he still economically involved.
The emotional devastation he's brought to our family, and his relationship with our kids is the same as it was with his own father... forever changed and not for the better.

People who leave a loving spouse and family are really struggling with their issues. You do not feel it at present, but it is your spouse who is to be pitied. I wish I could have a coffee or a glass of wine and watch a movie, and just laugh about stuff. You sound like you need a little fun.

My STBX yes is to be pitied. Mostly because he keeps slapping away true help to his situation. I have compassion for him, but no pity any longer. He can choose like any of us. He's chosen to do exactly what he's done before...distraction, addiction, and denial.

There are lots of us here post divorce, and frankly I do not feel like a loser. I really don't. Times when I did, pre- divorce, but after comes great liberation.

My kids friends' - mine are now all grown up, think my xh was a fool to leave. You can be a woman only a fool would leave, and there are fools out there. If you do not think you will ever have another romance, all I can say is do you ever read these boards? Those who are not with someone have usually chosen not to be.

Yes I could be a woman a fool would leave.
I already am, but I no longer strive to meets goals where the goalposts keep being deliberately moved farther out of reach.

As for romance. I've tried the internet dating thing, and to be brutally honest all I have found is men just as damaged as my STBX or men that were only interested in their own sexual satisfaction and who saw me as a "toy" or unpaid prostitute to be used and discarded. Fortunately that became evident really quickly in the dance.

Forget it. I'm not interested.

He is nuts right now.

He's an adult that has chosen to remain as a child. If that's crazy, it fits.


Thanks for your response Beatrice.

[beatrice]

You are very angry right now, and I think you have every right to be. You are also dealing with what I see as the pain of rejection. Did you love your husband? I imagine so, and it hurts very much. The surprising thing is how long it goes on hurting.

You know your husband best, although I have just encountered a fair number of MLCers. You have no idea how much or little difference this is making to him. But it is primarily about you at this point. We have all felt that we were hanging on by our fingernails.

By 'making some move' I was referring to TG and MHLs spouses both reaching out. Your h has not done this.

Think about silence: right now whatever you say to your h will be misinterpreted if he is in MLC. Remember although you see it as lousy choices, your h feels driven and without choice. He is wrong, and nothing you can say, even goodbye and your reasons for it, will make any difference.

Good therapists and counsellors use silence. Of course you are not OK with the way things are. How could you be. Telling him might help you in the short term, but to me it smacks of emotional engagement. You only tell someone how you feel if you are emotionally involved with them. And it lets them know they are still pulling your strings.


As to dating, well it is quite early days, and you have been hoping for the restoration of your marriage, so what signals have you been giving? Why were you dating? To assuage the pain, to replace your h, or because you were genuinely ready for a new relationship? We can very easily use others, as well as be used when we are vulnerable.

Women usually take longer than men to recover from a long term relationship. A very good friend of mine met the most wonderful man when she was your age, entirely by chance, and they are incredibly happy together. He had been widowed for 4 years, and they were both ready at that point for a relationship.

As I said, you seem angry and it is important that you acknowledge this. You have done your best and it hasn't worked. It is easy to demonize your h at this point, and I am not condoning what he is doing. It stinks. But he sounds a very damaged person. maybe you are better off without him, but don't let bitterness take over. I am writing because I care about you, and I wish you were not walking this horrible path. I can only repeat, it will get better, as it has for so many other hurting people who have come to these boards.

I would suggest that you read Antonia B's latest thread, including her account of the consult with the naturopath. There is a lot of helpful wisdom there.

[Queen_of_Swords]

A few people here have said I "sound" angry.
I'm not.
All I feel is burned out/up, sad and very helpless/hopeless.
I put things very baldly, perhaps that comes off as anger. I don't know.
You see my writing through your own filters, and I appreciate your perspective.

Good therapists and counsellors use silence. Of course you are not OK with the way things are. How could you be. Telling him might help you in the short term, but to me it smacks of emotional engagement. You only tell someone how you feel if you are emotionally involved with them. And it lets them know they are still pulling your strings.

I get your point, yet at the same time I feel I must be true to my core and assert myself. The meek may inherit the earth but only after the bold have used\abused it.

STBX uses silence as a weapon, and take it from me, it is a cruel one.
Non-engagement\silence\avoidance IMHO is just a coward's way out.

As to dating, well it is quite early days, and you have been hoping for the restoration of your marriage, so what signals have you been giving? Why were you dating? To assuage the pain, to replace your h, or because you were genuinely ready for a new relationship? We can very easily use others, as well as be used when we are vulnerable.

All I was looking for was someone to walk with and maybe go out a couple nights a month on a friendly\fun basis, nothing serious. That's why I was dating.

As I said, you seem angry and it is important that you acknowledge this. You have done your best and it hasn't worked.

I was furious in the beginning, that's pretty much burned away to a sense of resignation and an acknowledgement that there is not a blessed thing I can do to change my situation as it stands with STBX. All I can do is take care of me and my kids with or without his help.

If he follows his father's pattern, he may get tired of paying support within the next year.
He may shack up with someone younger (if he hasn't already), and start another family.
STBX has at many half siblings by three/four different women.


Thanks again for your concern and care Beatrice.
Thank you too Goodattitudegirl for the virtual hugs. I'm feeling pretty low right now.
I will look at Antonia's thread to refresh my memory.