Feeling Low

[~¤DG¤~]

I just need to know, am I a fool for not wanting a D? Am I wasting my time "waiting" for my H?

I am so tired of friends/family telling me that they think it's dumb of me to not go and file for D and move on with my life. I feel like I have to justify my reasons for not wanting to give up and I hate that!
They think I'm crazy for continuing to pay his health insurance, etc. It's money that has always been taken out of my check, money I never saw or missed, so what is the big deal?

Sometimes I feel they are right and others I don't.
It would help if we had some sort of contact, but we don't. For all I know he could have moved on already.

[jbnati]

DG, you have to decide for yourself when you're done. From what I've seen, you're not done yet. You want to be able to look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you did everything humanly possible to save your M. I believe you also want to be able to look your boys in the eye (especially S10) and tell them the same thing.

[paige40]

No one can tell you when you are done. Only you will know. I have really stopped talking about my H and our sitch because my friends think I should just tell him to get out and one friend wants me to go file for a D. I think too that it is so opposite of how I usually act. I am sure they would have expected me to just push him out the minute he said he was done. He might have expected that as well.

You want to know at the end of the day that you did everything you could do to save your marriage. Take all the time you need. Mort Fortel says to do nothing for a year.

[2stepboogie]

DG

friends and family at things from an outside perspective and for the most part tell you things ro protect u and because they feel it is the right thing to do.

Your life and your decision

One thing about DB that I think people confuse is that they get the impression that letting go is giving up and that maybe DB "makes you hold on" to long.

Problem is when we start out we think giving up is letting go and it is not the same.

You can maintain hope but still let go and move on

Some people take a long time to understand this concept, some never do.

I have taken a long time to understand this and even today I'm not fully sure I've grasped it, although I understand the preinciple behind it not really sure I've mastered the technique completely.

DB is not really about saving M and I don't think a lot get saved it is mostly about coping with the pain and saving yourself.

Now for those that have the stomach to outlast the while sitch they can make it.

When you can make a decision and not react emotionally to it, like moving on, then u are on your way.

It is how I measure my own recovery.

[AloneAt35]

DG, I believe with my whole heart, you are not a fool. My Ex-P HAS moved on, and even I am not done. If any of us is a fool, it is me, but I will know the time to 'give up.' (Trust me, I struggle with when I will know EVERY moment.)

You say that for all you know, your H has moved on. Think of us here whose spouses/partners are with an OP. Think of the marriages restored after affairs. Think of the relationships rebuilt after divorces. Yes, it is a minority; yes, the chances are slim. I think that all of us DBers recognize that. But perhaps the numbers would be a little greater if hope was not lost, if someone was still waiting and wanting...

Are we hurting ourselves, maybe. I know that I so long to be loved. I know that I am young(ish) and sweet and could be loved again by someone new, but I am not ready to love someone else. I'll know when I am and it will probably just sneak up on me. Maybe you are the same?

But no, I don't think you are a fool because none of us knows the future.

[AloneAt35]

DG, I also wanted to say that if your H had 'moved on,' he would have filed himself already. I envy the position you are in: YOU are holding the cards, not him. I wish I could say the same.

Hang in there DG, I will NEVER think you are a fool.

[~¤DG¤~]

IDK about that, me holding the cards, but I appreciate the support.

[Very Confused]

My "best" friend called me stupid for wanting to reconcile with my husband. My secret got out at work and all the girls I work with think I'm dumb for standing for my marriage. They think I should tell him to F off. My mom wants me to file and change the locks. Like I tell everyone that has all this great advice for me: are you at home with me when I'm all alone in the middle of the night, miserable and lonely? It's my life and ultimately my mistake to make. I took my vows seriously and I am going to make sure the road back to me is paved and smooth for my husband.

Until I feel that I am ready to move on, I will be here for him. If he tells me he is done or moves to another city and files for D, I will have no choice. But until then, I am going to DB my butt off for my marriage.

I also get tired of hearing all the negativity, so I can totally empathize. Always having to defend our actions. If you still want your M, then fight for it. You know what is best for you and you know what your heart is telling you. It's YOUR decision. No one else's!

[a girl]

((hugs))

Only you know what you're feeling - your friends and family care for you and want to see you stop hurting, but they don't *know* what's going on inside you. You have to do what feels right.

[paige40]

How are you doing today DG??