I am so sorry to have made my wife's life so unhappy.
We've been married 11 years - and have two daughter's aged 9 & 6 (we are both in our mid 40's). Our oldest daughter has CP is in a special needs school and needs constant care and attention.
I love my wife and girls so much it hurts - so why did I make her so unhappy?? I have been very insecure in my job for a long time - to compensate for this I work long hours, work from home and didn't spend as much time with her and the children as I should have. I bring my stresses home and have tended to blame her for petty things that are not really her fault.
My wife never really complained about it - though in retrospect it must have been very tough on her. We're very fortunate that my mother in law lives close by and comes around to help daily (my family lives in the UK).
About 2 years ago I moved into the spare room as our oldest daughter wakes up around midnight and one of us needs to sleep with her, so she comes into our bed. As a result our sex life has been very infrequent. In addition I don't get home until 8pm most nights and my wife works Sat and Sun nights.
My wife works as a waitress in arestaurant on Friday and Saturday nights. Around 6 months ago - she started hanging around with friends and coming home very late (I'm usually asleep - but have woken to find she's not there). She also ran up $36k in credit card bills over the years that she never told me about - she says it was over general household expenses since we moved to the new house (3 years ago).
Both the debt and the regular late nights out caused a couple of big arguments over the last few months, Around 6 weeks ago - we had another argument about something petty (seriously we may have had 10 arguments total in 11 years - we never argued). After cooling down for a while - she tells me she wants a seperation (she needs space) - this hit me out of the blue, she says all the stresses and my attitude have made her so unhappy for many years. She says she no longer loves me and that she's felt that way for a while. I asked if there was anyone else and she says no - though she never lets her iPhone out of reach and is constantly texting on it (we had an argument about this today).
I've changes 180 degrees - I help out with the girls, give her free time at the weekends and try to do as much as I can given the limitations of my work schedule (i.e. no weekend work). I did everything wrong the last few weeks - begged, pleaded, followed her around like a dog.
This last weekend we were invited to a wedding (I know the groom very well) - she did not want to go as she felt uncomfortable being with my friends at a wedding at this stage. The girls spent the night with the grandparents and I went to the wedding on my own. That night - I woke up on the sofa in the early hours and she was not home. I went to bed and the next day, I asked her why she was out so late. She told me that she went to her friend's house after work as she knew I would try to persuade her to sleep in the same bed as me. I asked her why she was trying to destroy me - I am willing to do whatever it takes to save our marraige, but coming home in the early hours of the morning continues to upset me. She says she doesn't know - and she hasn't made up her mind. Next week she is taking the girls to my in-laws lake house (I wasn't invited), I find it so frustrating I can't get through to her and we've started having petty arguments.
Am I being unfair?? I feel like I shouldn't complain as I am not giving her space. There are obviously things wrong in our marraige that I want to work out - she doesn't seem to have any interest in doing so.
I love her and the girls so much - but she seems determined to end it all without allowing us the opportunity to fix the issues in our marraige. If I am being nice to her, or ask her to do something - I am not giving her space. She told me last night that she can't be alone with me right now - that really hurt. In order to win her back - I need to show her I am a better husband, father and partner. I can do #1 & #2 but I can't do #3 unless she allows me back in. We're still in the same house - but it's been 6 weeks of hell - to be honest I know it's not been fun for her. Please help me understand what I can do to save our marraige and keep our family together. It feels like I am preventing her from getting on with her life.
Pick up the Divorce Remedy Book by Michele Wiener Davis asap and read it. Then read it again and again.
Your W is asking for space. Give it to her. Quit talking about your R/M (relationship/marriage). It is putting pressure on her and you will not get the answers that you want to hear.
Now these 180s that you speak of. Are they 180s that needed to happen and will stick or are they 180s to win your W back? Hopefully the former, because if they are just to win your W back, you will most likely find yourself in the same position you are in now.
On the home page of this site, there are several articles that you might find helpful. Additionally, go to youtube and search Michele Wiener Davis. I found many of her video clips to be helpful.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
She says she no longer loves me and that she's felt that way for a while. I asked if there was anyone else and she says no - though she never lets her iPhone out of reach and is constantly texting on it (we had an argument about this today).
Sorry, but my "B.S." meter is going off big-time. She's most likely lying to you, but like someone said above, you need to back off. AGREE with her -- "This isn't working for me either." Work on yourself, GAL, and do those things that YOU have felt you needed to improve: for YOU. Not to try to win her back.
Trust me, she will notice. Be wary, and protect yourself, as she's likely in "flight" mode right now, and she's going to be all over the map, emotionally. Be sure to put some healthy boundaries in place (staying out all hours would be a good place to start).
