I want to read your thread but it would help A LOT, if you could break it up into chunks or separate paragraphs.
Then it's much easier to read, and I won't have to read the same parts over & over because you'll have separated them for me.
Thanks
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yes those were EA and was not mischaracterizing simple friendship.
I completely agree with you on me having issues with lack of self confidence and especially control. Actually I was never like that until her. I have now returned to my self and am much happier.
I understand you think the eharmony encouragement was a mistake. I spoke with my DB coach Chuck yesterday and he was in agreement with me. He told me it was probably the single best thing I have done so for.
My DB coack explained this best to me. He says he thinks everyone on here gets so wrapped up in if you encourage WAS to date you are encouraging an A. Not really. Consider in WAW mind marriage is completely over with no chance of reconciliation. Papers are filed and she is moving on. Now M is only M by a piece of paper instead of emotion. I would much rather have an emotional M if given the choice of having a legal M or one built on emotion. What was the difference when you were engaged to you S without the legal document? Which is better? Then or now?
I understand where you think this is reinforcing divorce is eminent. Remember in her mind it is. I can't control her mind, only mine. If you fight the D and dating then it allows her negative feelings to have something to fight with. Believe me I was a little skeptical about all of this at first, but coach did put it in perspective. I know it sounds crazy but the DBing itself is all about doing what seems at the time to make no sense. Hence the no fighting for your marriage, etc and just focusing on you.
Since my last post I have given up on getting my W back. I realized the other night I don't care if she comes back or doesn't. Actually I am more on the side where I am thinking maybe I don't want her back. I can't tell you how much relief I have felt because of this. I do think about her but not nearly as much as I used to.
I have pretty much gone dark, but not completely. She will text me every couple days as I never initiate any contact unless it's about the kids. Funny on Friday she texts me some useless stuff late morning. It was nothing I felt required any type of a response. Then 6 hours later I get a text from her wanting to know if I'm ignoring her. I did respond to that and texted back I'm sorry I didn't realize what you sent earlier required a response from me. She replied back no problem and that was that.
Yesterday I drop off kids. She offered to pick them up but I felt I could control the sitch better and be able to leave when I was ready. I show up and she wants to tell me how her Friday night and Saturday day went. i didn't acknowledge it and payed attention to my S telling him to be good, I love and miss him and will see him in 2 days and give him a kiss. Then I go to say the same to my 11 month old D which she is holding. She then tried to initiate conversation with me by asking if I had any plans that evening. Once again I focused on my D and didn't acknowledge her question. Then I walked to my vehicle and left. I don't even think I said goodbye to her. Haven't heard from her since. I think she got the point. I'm not anybody's back up plan and I am moving on with or without her.
One thing i have learned about all this is the only control I have is over myself and my emotions. I realized once you begin focusing on that and planning your future without your spouse the pain really starts to go away. I feel so much better about myself and things I have accomplished the past month. I quit smoking, joined the gym, reinvented myself, began doing things I have given up. To be honest I don't even know where I had the time for a relationship let alone being married
