First I totally agree with the advice that you have been given.
If you date someone else and proceed to divorce then your wife has GROUNDS against YOU. Believe me that is not a position you want to be in. She can claim that you are the one that committed adultry even if it is false, it is then up to you to prove it.
So the advice here is usually to wait 1 month for every year that you have been married. But the average MLC is 3-7 years so anything less than 3 years is very early.
All good points, and all worthy of consideration. This is why I seek the feedback from those on this board.
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Are you the same person you were six months ago? I suspect not. Do you think that you have done enough of the work on yourself?
I most definitely am not the same person. I was a workaholic, never saw my kids during the weekend days. Now I never work weekends, and focus on having fun with kids and friends. I am much more positive with those around me, less judgemental and critical. This has been a very humbling experience. I am a work in progress that will never be finished, but I am happy (not satisfied) with my progress to date. I really don't know who I will be one year from now, but would like to look myself in the mirror with as few regrets as possible. Hence, the apprehension about the date.
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Man to man… “female companionship”….honestly dude. Why not just go out with a bunch of guys?
Think you answered your own question shortly after that. Yes, some of your words do sting with a hint of the truth. Yes, I do want to know I am still desirable. But more than that, I am lonely for the kind time one spends with a woman (and I am not talking sex). Sorry, but my dog and my pals are not the same. Even though I'm sure you are quite fetching, I've got enough pals at present! :-)
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At this time, my W definitely seems to be sorting things out
The answer was in my previous post:
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For the last 2 months, she has become much more pensive and introspective, and seeks time alone.
I sense she is entering her depression / withdrawal phase. Could be wrong, but the signs and her behavior would point to this. And before you critique this, understand I am not trying to figure her out, nor trying to track if and when she may "snap out of it". I am just an interested observer. She is slowly figuring out who she wants to become. I seem to be mirroring her stages of MLC in much the same way (though without the affair). Honestly, I don't see this date as cheating on anyone. W and I are not together, no wedding rings, minimal communication, and she and I have new lives. We shall see how it goes, and I won't be surprised either way it turns out.
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Is this something that you really need right now? What are your true reasons for going out on the date? Pssst….one last point….deep down inside I wanted my STBXW to know…I wanted her to find out…I was…hoping…no…praying….that this would be the wake up call that she needed. Guess what? I didn’t work and when it didn’t I was still vulnerable, lonely and remorseful. In the end, people got hurt. Hurt that could have been avoided had I just been……..
Very valid points, although absolutely I hold no illusions about her "snapping out of it / waking up". For months now I've held the standard. Been the kind of upstanding adult and parent that my children can look up to. My conscience is clear at present. The "date" is a fork in the road. Which way should I go? I sought out this date, no different that my W sought out her affair. Both did not "just happen". Yet now I don't know which way I will go. You see, I am also becoming a different person, beyond just working on GAL. I question how much I still love my wife because I realize I am in love with someone who does not really exist anymore.
One story I do recall from the DR book. This gal got fed up with her H after 10 months of separation, filed for D, then told the H about all her hurt and pain. Turns out, H had just then been thinking of coming back home, but crawled back in the tunnel after this display. They did get back together after a year though after she backed off again. The point is that it is best to keep all interactions positive. Further, we cannot know what our spouse is thinking or feeling. This is why "the date" carries such risk. What if she is nearing a fork in the road herself, yet I decide to veer right, just as she veers left?
I just don't know what I'm going to do yet Eric. Part of the idea of going out on a date is to just explore life, to feel wanted in the presence of an attractive woman. Make her laugh. Enjoy the conversation. However, will the expereience just result in guilt? Self-loathing? More pain? Or will I be happier as I continue to move on toward another life? Your experiences are a huge warning sign to me, and I am closely listening to what you say to me.
I don't need a date. I want to date. Big difference. And no, I am not that needy. I just see dating as the next possible step in GAL. I am reconsidering this position as we speak after Eric's warnings.
Adultery? Sorry, it's a no fault state. None of this matters. There are no grounds for divorce here other an irreconcilable differences. Wish adultery did matter, as it would have given me a much better position in the D filing due to my W's affair. So you see it's a free-for-all here in the West Coast! Do as you please, no repercussions.
As for waiting 21 months to date after my possible divorce, I will not put timelines on anything. I will just live my life and see what comes my way. Getting married again is another matter. Now that can wait!
Timelines on MLC? With regard to my W's process, I'm not even going to guess at that one. If three years is short, then we will not likely survive as a couple. She will get her D. Sorry to say, but I will not be one of these standing for my X years after the D is done. I don't judge those that do, it is just not who I am and how I see my life in the future without my W.
It's funny how your W's MLC triggered your own MLC. It happens. Look it up. One of the primary reasons it's an MLC for you ? Is how you're slowly changing your previous POV to match what you think right now. If the roles were reversed and your W was "dating" in the way that you are, I'm sure you wouldn't say it was okay.
So you want to date to help you move on. I get it. Then move on and file for D. What you're doing is looking for the same fall back plan your W did. The person who you're not being fair to is the person you're dating. If you're going to date her for the chance at a future R, then why stay married?
A part of you wants to get back at your W by giving her a taste of her own medicine. That coupled with the fact that you were hurt and had your self-esteem shattered. So you miss the sex and the comfort that a warm body gives.
If you see your life in the future without your W and have moved on, then sign the papers. Give respect to the woman you're with.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You are 100% correct in your analysis, and I appreciate it (2x4 gratefully received). It certainly is not fair to the other person. I believe I've received more therapy recently from my recent hiking trips and fishing than I have from anything else. Perhaps it is time just to get another dog and put the R thing on the shelf for now! :-)
I would not say I have entered MLC (far from it, and I believe I know the difference by now). I would only say that the stages / journey of the LBS tends to mirror / mimic that of the MLC'er.
My dilemma is based on confusion of what to do, where to go, and why I'm still standing for this M. I now know the answer to all 3 of these questions. Always did, and that I was I have stood for my M all along. I just needed to listen to that little voice in my head. That's what I appreciate about this board ... perspective.
Again I realized today just how OK I will be any which way my sitch ends up. The fear of the unknown is often unfounded and causes one to make assumptions and pursue actions one will later regret. So often the best strategy is just to hold you cards, and don't be too concerned about the other players. Just watch the MLC as an interested observer, but don't join in. Live your own life. Be not concerned about the life direction of others (W - especially).
I said once in reponse to Cadet that "I did not need this date, I wanted this date". Not so sure either works for me anymore. I hear my kids playing in the yard and all I care is to see them viewing me in the best possible light, to know I am still their loving stable dad, their rock who cares for them and will be there no matter waht. This is what matters to me most. My W has made her regrettable choices. I do not care to repeat history.
Not a problem. I've been in the exact same situation as you. In effect our spouses MLC's did trigger our own, but the difference between the two is that you did the research, you did the correct soul searching unlike your W, so you were able to recognize things for the way they were.
I think your W and the others in MLC is a shock to the system. Sometimes that shock is seeing their spouse with another person, sometimes it's when they've lost everything. Unfortunately that's the way it seems to be.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Looked at your beginning history, and ran through your topics, but am having trouble getting a fix on your current sitch? So what the story? Your girls are now 7 and 3 (such magnificient ages!), so I hope all is well. Did I miss something?
I read an interesting book recently. And I think the point it made was spot on. As humans, we like to think that we evaluate our situations and make rational decisions based on our evaluation. However, what usually happens is that we make a decision, and then come up with rationalizations of why our decision is correct. I get the sense that in some way, you've made the decision that dating should be OK for you and you are searching for rationalizations to prove your point. However, take the lessons learned from others on this board. If your wife were to tell you tomorrow that she wanted to R, would you be interested? If so, you don't need to be in the dating game. That means you have not closed that part of your life. It wouldn't be fair to you and it certainly wouldn't be fair to the person you're dating.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
You, Mr. Bond, and all else see much more clearly than I. My decision to pursue a date is based on reactionary emotion and not based on logic. If my W were to say, let's work on our R today, the idea of dating would not even be on my radar. Why mess myself over? LIfe will do this all on its own and does not need my help!
Think it's time to shelve this idea for what it was. Ill conceived from my pain and heartbreak. Time to toughen up.
I have plenty of friends, and am successfuly / more and more GAL. I think the answer has always been there and has been suggested to me ... it's time to get a new dog! (W took family dog with her when she moved!). It will do the kids a world of good too.
Dropped the Match.com profile today. Cancelled the date with who looked like a very nice gal. Not fair to ths OP, my kids or myself to say the least. At least not in my current frame of mind where I obviously have not moved on from my W. I very much appreciate all the feedback and 2x4's from y'all.
Best upside ... Got a dog this weekend. Good solid yellow lab pup. Great retriever line. 7 weeks and already retrieves instictively. Will work out much better for GAL and to get back into duck hunting this fall. I stopped hunting years ago, and now intend to dust off my shotgun.
W and I continue to be amicable. She makes positive baby steps toward me, then retreats back into her world on her rented farm. She really seems to need her alone time which I respect. No other news to report other than that. No idea about OM, though I suspect he's not much of a factor any longer. Kids still refuse to stay with W overnight, but W must work on this herself. I cannot "fix" anything for her anymore, but continue to be supportive and she knows it. She knows I'm a good dad and a good husband. She's told me as much recently. However, she continues to be in the tunnel. She is sorting things out, I can tell. It will be interesting to see what path she takes.
