Pretty awesome a staffing agency called about a job they have for me and I can't take it because it's where my wife works at. I mean like right in the same department. If it was in a different area of the building I would have taken it but right in the same area would make for some pretty awkward situations I think. Although it would be nice to be able to meet her friends and they can see that I'm not the horrible person she's most likely making me out to be to them..not that it matters. Would have been good because they can put in a lot of overtime and take work home with them if they want to on the weekends.
I think I'm going to go see a movie today. I've never been a go out and party type person but I really like going to movies. Maybe I'll just make an effort to go see a movie at least once a week in addition to going out walking/jogging everyday.
There is an app (I think it's a website) that shows small to large events where people just meet up. You might be able to find a few things to do there as well. I don't know if I'm allowed to post the name, but you should be able to find it if you google my first sentance.
That is the root of the problem. IMHO, there is a strong possibility she has turned to somebody else to meet her emotional needs.
I hear a lot of excuses regarding the phone. Get a new number..or better yet, another cheap phone where you pay up front for xx amount of hours, and have that one for your mother only! And trust me....I really do understand about sick family members. I just want you to see your own weakness and how you live for the next TM from your WAW.
Yes, the book suggests that you only answer some of the calls. However, you can't handle "some of them" right now. You have to go dark and forcus on getting stronger and a lot of self-improment before having contact again.
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I've never been a go out and party type person but I really like going to movies.
Do you realize how many times you have brought up the fact that you (and your W) never went out? You do not accept the fact that it is important for a couple to go out and get away from the daily routine and sitting at home every night. But, now you are alone and I'm telling you that unless you make some big 180's, your M will not make it. That is what a 180 is all about! You do things that are not the "usual". I think you will be seen as a pretty dull person, if you don't go this.
You are making another excuse about your BIL. You want to use him to connect with his sister. At first, I thought he might actually care what she does, but he's made it clear that as long as she pays rent, she can do whatever. He may be the only "friend" you think you have, but that is just more results of you not having a life! The only reason you include him is b/c of her being related.
Stop making excuses, and stop being a couch potato and get out and go places that people occupy. You might make a new friend that is actually healthy for you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I do accept we needed to go out. I would usually ask her during the middle of the week if she wanted to go catch a movie or go out to eat this weekend. She would reply with I dunno yet then when the weekend came I would say hey let's go see ____ movie or hey let's go eat at _____ and she would say nah I just want to sit around the house.
How is the factor that I hang out with him an excuse? I mean I hung out with him even before me and my wife started dating. We were friends first and I would hang out with him if she wasn't available even back then. I'm not really clear on that honestly.
Now that is actually a good idea. Just get a prepaid for my mother to call. I'll look into that to see how much they are here shortly. Got to go get dog food soon anyways.
I used to have a couple of friends from work that would come over or I would go over there to see them but when I got laid off they quit talking to me.
I went to the movies earlier and went walking this morning and yesterday evening. I'm getting out some I'm not just sitting here all day.
Ok. I picked up a prepaid cell phone called my mother and gave her the number. My phone is turned off and have put it up in the closet. I already hate it. I keep thinking what if something happens and she needs me? This is not going to be fun at all.
Well went to the movies again yesterday and went out walking at the park after that. I sent a couple of emails to some old friends I hadn't talked to in awhile still haven't gotten any replies. Took my dogs out walking yesterday afternoon. Went out walking again this morning and now it's raining so I'm about to try to find some other ways to rearrange the house. Cell phone is still turned off and put in the closet for the time being. Thought about taking it to my mother's just so the temptation to turn it won't be there anymore but so far I'm dealing with it. It's been really tough. Made it almost two days with NC till she had my BIL drop her off for a few minutes last night. She thought that since I wasn't returning messages that my phone was either messed up or turned off. I told her that I forgot to turn it on that day.
She dropped by to tell me she was ordering the divorce papers online next week. I simply said ok. Then she went to discuss the R. I didn't argue with her about it. She hinted about someone else. She said there wasn't anyone else involved at the time I lived with you. I said so your saying there is now? She said no but it wouldn't be an affair because we are separated. I said in my opinion it is an affair as long we are married. She started trying to argue and I said there's no reason to raise your voice you came over to talk to me and I'm being civil. Then she calmed it down and said there is someone I started talking to about two weeks before I moved out. So I said again then there is someone else. I don't think she caught on to that she was telling on herself because she started trying to backtrack and take back that she never said any of that. I just stayed calmed and said there's no reason to get hostile here your the one telling me this stuff I didn't ask. Then she went on to saying that she got tired of having no life and said we could have but when asked she would say she didn't want to go anywhere. Then she went back to saying I love you but not in love with you anymore. Then she went to saying I'm just not attracted to you anymore. I asked her what was unattractive. She said it makes her feel shallow to even say. I simply asked her to let me know what the problem is. She said because my hair is long and hasn't changed since we first met. To which I told her I was already looking into getting it cut. (planning on doing that this week actually) and that I have put on weight (roughly about 20lbs) she said that makes her feel bad because she has put on a lot of weight herself. I just mostly listened to what she had to say and usually I would fly off the handle at things like that but this time when she would start getting loud I would just say calm it down. Most of my responses were ok. thank you for sharing that with me. She mentioned that while she would like us to stay friends at the same time sometimes she thinks it would be easier if we went our separate ways because it would be awkward if we ran into each other and are both with other people. Then we had brief idle conversation while she waited on her brother to come get her. He went to the store while we talked and I thanked her for coming by.
After she left though I was so mad! Even just sitting on the couch I could feel my face burning. Makes me mad for not flying off the handle at her when she started mentioning someone else and then trying to backtrack to cover her story. Then to tell me she's not attracted to me for something that has happened to the both us! I ended up going for a late night walk to try to blow off some steam. Don't know if I handled that all correctly or not but it was the best act I could put on to keep from blowing up at her. Really thinking of getting an attorney. I've never handled any of this kind of stuff before and would like to have someone to look over the paperwork just to make sure it's all good. I know she will be expecting me to just sign the paperwork on the spot when it is brought over. So if I do that will be a lot of fun to deal with and how mad she will get about it.
She said because my hair is long and hasn't changed since we first met. To which I told her I was already looking into getting it cut. (planning on doing that this week actually) and that I have put on weight (roughly about 20lbs) she said that makes her feel bad because she has put on a lot of weight herself. I just mostly listened to what she had to say and usually I would fly off the handle at things like that but this time when she would start getting loud I would just say calm it down
Well - you put on a little weight. Oh well. You can lose it. I'd bet you've lost some recently, right?
One thing - I found that saying 'calm down' to my W was a recipe for disaster in many cases. I think it might invalidate in a way that we probably don't intend to. it also might make for a 'one upsmanship' thing. I don't know how to deal with this too well, but i think its worth considering.
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After she left though I was so mad! Even just sitting on the couch I could feel my face burning. Makes me mad for not flying off the handle at her when she started mentioning someone else and then trying to backtrack to cover her story. Then to tell me she's not attracted to me for something that has happened to the both us!
You are mad for not flipping out on her? I think you should be proud of yourself for being able to be angry w/o expressing it by escalating things. What she is saying is hurtful and kind of silly, of course, but I think you are on a better track by doing what you did.
If I can reframe it for you a little - your W is not really acting from a solid and secure place. Maybe she acts as if, but she is probably operating from a very mixed up place. She gets upset and she is looking for a rationalization that makes sense. The less you react or resist it, the less power her rationalizations have and the more you start to realize that they are just words and thoughts she is trying to find to resolve something that exists inside of HER.
Flying off the handle would have been at best, a short term gain with long term consequences. By making it safe for her to express herself (even if you think it sounds crazy) you are, in many ways, fulfilling a need she probably has. This could be a good thing!
Getting an attorney is probably appropriate at this point, to protect your interests. You can take your time on all this stuff and that is your right. You have a lot to process and deal with - can you see yourself going through this experience with confidence and staying respectful of both your needs and hers?
You probably have a fair window of time before you have to respond to any paperwork she files. Unless there is a good reason, don't feel like you need to do anything on her schedule.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
