Hang in there Kaffe. try to keep a positive attitude. you have a lot of support here if you need to vent.
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
I'd be lying if I said that the above posts weren't tinged with a touch of anger and sadness. I am feeling better, now.
As I was leaving the lawyers office, I was a bit emotional but repeated what I'd been thinking since the moment this began.
This has nothing to do about the money and everything to do about the kids.
I have no doubt what so ever that within two years I will be more than fine, financially. Have a nice rental or starter for myself and for when the kids come over. Be able to do the things that I've been dreaming about doing with the kids (Disney, skiing, SCUBA, etc)...
No worries, really... it is ONLY money... Unless something drastic happened to me physically, I actually have no intention on retiring. Certainly slowing down... My grandfather was in his mid eighties and still driving out to the farm, every day, to work... My grandmother kept her 1/2 acre garden until she broke her hip at 92 years old...
It's in my blood... to be active... and healthy...
I've made some poor business decisions... at least, some might say... truth is, I don't see any of my businesses as been unsuccessful... at the very least, they've been break even on dissolution, while having provided financially to my and over the past 10 years, my families, needs... and I've learned alot... I've learned what working 96 hours a week can do to a person and their relationships. I did that for about a year... Will not do that again... not worth it...
I chalk this up to a... business decision. That really how it feels now. I guess I've convinced myself that's how I choose to look at it. And if I walk away with the minimal amount of money... so be it. Any additional potential would not be worth the stress on myself nor my kids...
I walk away feeling comfortable that I'm not financially straining my W and she will be able to take care of the basic needs of the kids, at the very least. Unless my W makes some really poor money decisions, the kids will not see any change in their standard of living. And that... is of utmost interest to me.
As far as emotional well being of the kids, as we all know, I cannot control what my W does. Even with all the contracts in the world, based on past results of my W's actions... she will either maintain a moral and ethical course that somewhat resembles mine, in the interests of the kids... or she will not... and a court order or contract will not stop her. In the same way that a M contract and vows to God and family, she worked around that with the very simple statement... "I do not feel M"...
I can and will do my best to be the best father I can be. I was decent... I can be better and I will continue to be even better...
So in the end... the epitaph of this story is...
The future holds the best possible outcome...
And what does the future bring...?
Who knows...
Is She done with me... who knows... I hope so... I'm moving on and forward...
Actually, I see what I'm doing now as keeping the road home paved and smooth... with the only intentions of keeping the road home paved and smooth...
I have to spend the rest of my life (or her's), in some capacity, with this woman... I'm certainly not on her roller coaster any more, at all...
I'm pretty close to the "I don't feel M" mentality at this point... again, it might sound coarse, but it makes sense to me... I really see this R now as simply like a co-worker who I have differing opinions with... but I have to figure out how to be able to work with her because I can't leave my job... that being a father to my kids...
When I see her now, I really do not find her attractive in any way... not her words, not her appearance, not some of her activities / actions... I'm borderline apathetic towards her and have only very brief moments of emotion... in a relative sense, but an hour or half hour here and there is more like I would offer a "good" friend...
Like if something good were to happen for her (aside from engagement to OM or something) I'd likely be "good for her" and if she did something stupid... I'd be like "dumb a$$"...
I have no thoughts or emotions, neither repulsion nor desire of any type of "intimacy" with her... nothing that a spouse may feel for another...
a trigger... something major... might have an affect, for sure... other than that...
yeah... I'm done with her... in the sense that she's just any other person in my life...
