Feeling it a little worse today. Settling in I guess. Riding a roller coaster of different emotions. I'm sure that's expected.
I kept myself very busy though. That helps. Being busy with more physical hands on things is easier. But I do have computer work to do so hopefully I can handle that.
Yesterday early in the day I wanted to see her but I think that was before reality had really set in. She seems to know that I don't want to see her or she can't face me. She arranged it so that we visited the same family but at different times.
Right now I really don't want to see her at all. I think it will be too painful. I think I will ask her to take the week off so that I don't have to see her.
Saw her picture posted on FB tonight. She looked very heavy for her (she's very slender). Maybe she's gained a lot of weight and I haven't noticed. or maybe it was the perspective. But she was red faced and looked puffy. She hasn't been drinking at all for awhile so if she had a few they probably hit her hard.
So we spent one week apart. When we had to have conversations they were all done by email. When we needed to exchange things we would leave them on the doorstep. One would go to work and the other would leave. All without actually even seeing each others faces even if we had to talk around corners.
On Wednesday when we ran into each other in the parking lot I finally felt like I could look at her so I waited for her to get out of the car. She didn't want to and couldn't face me either. But she did and we hugged for awhile. We had some contact with each other that day. Mostly wrote notes for what we needed from each other. Then at the end of the day when she left we hugged and kissed.
Next day we ran errands together and we talked and bonded a lot.
Today she was very happy to see me and we hung out together and talked a lot (no R and nothing about the A) ran some errands and actually had a really good time together.
Strangely it felt really good. I don't really know what to think of it.
I was very unsure about reconnecting in any way but read "After the affair" and the advice there was to hang out and connect if possible. Similar to Michelle's "Act as if". So I guess this is all ok. I was worried that we would just fall back into the old routine but I don't think that's the case. feels more like a weight was lifted.
I don't really know but it seems right. Doesn't seem needy or "I'll take you back no matter what" sort of thing.
So I guess just see where this goes.
Feel free to give me any opinions as this is certainly new territory for me.
Well over the last several weeks we've spent more time together than before. She's usually around on weekends now. Stays for dinner most nights. We hang out occasionally. Kiss and hug a little more often.
But really not sure where we are.
Not sure what to do but keep moving forward and try not to expect too much.
again, spending time together. I just don't know if she'll figure it out. I want this to work but I really don't want to stay in this point of seemingly stasis forever.
We did have some laughs today and had a good time despite the fact that she was fighting a cold. She did arrange it so that we could spend the day together.
She also mentioned that I need a new work uniform. My current one is now too roomy (dropped 20 pounds). So I guess she's noticed that. Hard not to really since several people have mentioned it in front of her.
She has mentioned a few times lately her lack of motivation in her training lately and today she said she was thinking about quiting her training. When I had very little response she said "well I'm just weighing my options".
I guess I just have to remember that it's when things are generally going well is when I get frustrated. I guess I feel that things are good why don't we just end this BS and be a couple. It's tough in a different way when things are good.
Oh well I don't show it so I really don't think my reaction creates any sort of push-pull effect.
W stayed over last night out of convenience. In another room but here.
This morning I was up first and brought her coffee when she woke up. An old ritual, we often spent mornings talking over coffee. Generally starting about whatever and then eventually about our day ahead and planning business. This morning we did that. Enjoyed coffee and time together.
After awhile when I was explaining something technical I noticed her tighten up. I could see the anger. Noticed it but moved on.
Later a similar situation but this time it led to a fight. (we generally don't fight at all). She was pissed because I was explaining things in a technical nature and she didn't want to have to understand. She actually called me an a__ over it.
A touchy spot here. Her perception is along the lines of me making her feel stupid. For her this is an early childhood thing. the way she tells it her dad would blow up and get frustrated with her when she couldn't understand a math problem. Her dad is quite intelligent but sharp tempered.
For me it's a tender spot also. I always felt ostracized for being intelligent. Still do a lot. It's amazing I'm not a recluse (I fully planned on being one).
So here's a tough spot for both of us and very possibly at the core of our troubles. Love, in one sense, is about how one person makes another feel. Making a person feel stupid does not inspire love. Nor does making a person feel alone.
On one hand I think I'll just go join MENSA and be done with it. On the other I know that would be running from my problems.
