Can My Marriage Be Saved?

[a girl]

My story is long and fairly crappy - but I could definitely use some advice and hope because my internal reserves are wearing thin.

I definitely take the lion's share of the blame for where my marriage is at, and expect some harsh words, which I will try to handle gracefully.

My husband and I have been married 9 years, together for 10, and have 1 son, age 7, as well as my daughter from a previous marriage.

When I met my husband, online, I was in an abusive relationship - physically and emotionally. I left my abuser for him, but in retrospect, should not have entered in to a relationship as I was very broken.

I was dishonest with my husband about the state of the relationship I was in, telling him it was over when it wasn't yet.

In the year before we married, I had unacceptable conversations and interactions online. I was physically unfaithful once. He found out about everything almost immediately. I stopped, but 2 years later - about 6 months after our son was born - I entered into 2 other inappropriate relationships with friends from online. They both went as far as kissing before I stopped. My husband later informed me he was aware of them, although I had not known that at the time.

About 5 years after that, in 2009, my husband had an emotional affair with someone he met online. It included cybersex. I began an emotional affair with a coworker, which became physical to the point of kissing.

We had a DDay and I promised to break it off, which I did not. While he was out of town at his grandmother's funeral, I saw my affair partner again. My husband found out, and we had another DDay. This time I did break it off.

I have been affair free since then but the issues that caused the affairs were left unaddressed. He asked for marriage counseling but I was too scared to sit in front of someone and tell them what a horrible person I am.

Three weeks ago, he told me he can't see us together in 10 years and "I love you but I'm not in love with you". He can't see how to get past all the terrible things I've done. I can't blame him, but I want to try tom save my marriage. We are seeing a marriage counselor who we both like - we've been to three sessions.

In the last 3 weeks, he's stopped hugging me, kissing me, saying "I love you", really touching me at all. He will occasionally tell me to come hug him if our R talk has led to me crying, but that's it. He sleeps in the same bed with me and we do "family" things, but he's very distant.

After receiving and reading DR last week, I've been trying to put some things into practice - no R talk unless he initiates it, no asking for reassurances (hugs, no "I love you"), no inviting him to do things (although I do say "I was thinking of taking S to the Aquarium tomorrow" and he will say, "Yeah that sounds like fun, let's do that"). I don't follow him around or ask when he's coming to bed, what he's thinking/feeling, etc. He's noticed - he mentioned it in counseling on Thursday. He said he feels bad because me not asking for hugs has made the last week less stressful for him, but he knows it's hard for me.

But any words of hope or advice? I know there will be the "leaving you is the smartest thing he could do" posts, and part of me agrees, but I'm hoping to save my marriage, so hoping to see those posts too.

[a girl]

Some more detail from today - H does a Costco trip every Saturday morning. Last week he bought filet because he's worried I haven't been eating enough. This week he bought me mini-cinnamon rolls, BBQ pork, and crab for crab cakes - and texted me 5 times from the store (to ask about TP and then make some funny comments).

I thanked him for the food and told him it was sweet of him to think of me. As far as the texts - I responded to 2 of them - the initial question about if we needed TP, and then the fourth one about funny TP names. Other than that, I let them be. I'm trying to not be the last person to "speak" (let his text be the last one, let his email be the last one).

This kind of behaviour confuses me, though.

[Denver_2010]

My story is long and fairly crappy - but I could definitely use some advice and hope because my internal reserves are wearing thin.

I definitely take the lion's share of the blame for where my marriage is at, and expect some harsh words, which I will try to handle gracefully.

My husband and I have been married 9 years, together for 10, and have 1 son, age 7, as well as my daughter from a previous marriage.

When I met my husband, online, I was in an abusive relationship - physically and emotionally. I left my abuser for him, but in retrospect, should not have entered in to a relationship as I was very broken.

I was dishonest with my husband about the state of the relationship I was in, telling him it was over when it wasn't yet.

In the year before we married, I had unacceptable conversations and interactions online. I was physically unfaithful once. He found out about everything almost immediately. I stopped, but 2 years later - about 6 months after our son was born - I entered into 2 other inappropriate relationships with friends from online. They both went as far as kissing before I stopped. My husband later informed me he was aware of them, although I had not known that at the time.

About 5 years after that, in 2009, my husband had an emotional affair with someone he met online. It included cybersex. I began an emotional affair with a coworker, which became physical to the point of kissing.

We had a DDay and I promised to break it off, which I did not. While he was out of town at his grandmother's funeral, I saw my affair partner again. My husband found out, and we had another DDay. This time I did break it off.

I have been affair free since then but the issues that caused the affairs were left unaddressed. He asked for marriage counseling but I was too scared to sit in front of someone and tell them what a horrible person I am.

Three weeks ago, he told me he can't see us together in 10 years and "I love you but I'm not in love with you". He can't see how to get past all the terrible things I've done. I can't blame him, but I want to try tom save my marriage. We are seeing a marriage counselor who we both like - we've been to three sessions.

In the last 3 weeks, he's stopped hugging me, kissing me, saying "I love you", really touching me at all. He will occasionally tell me to come hug him if our R talk has led to me crying, but that's it. He sleeps in the same bed with me and we do "family" things, but he's very distant.

After receiving and reading DR last week, I've been trying to put some things into practice - no R talk unless he initiates it, no asking for reassurances (hugs, no "I love you"), no inviting him to do things (although I do say "I was thinking of taking S to the Aquarium tomorrow" and he will say, "Yeah that sounds like fun, let's do that"). I don't follow him around or ask when he's coming to bed, what he's thinking/feeling, etc. He's noticed - he mentioned it in counseling on Thursday. He said he feels bad because me not asking for hugs has made the last week less stressful for him, but he knows it's hard for me.

But any words of hope or advice? I know there will be the "leaving you is the smartest thing he could do" posts, and part of me agrees, but I'm hoping to save my marriage, so hoping to see those posts too.

Girl - First, I certainly wouldn't say that leaving you is the smartest thing that he could do. You obviously love your H. And he obviously loves you... or he probably would have been gone long ago.

First, I would suggest that you continue to go to MC. You need to be 100% honest with the MC and your H about the issues that you were dealing with when the 2 of you met. Most likely, those issues led to many of your indiscretions over the years. You also need to be honest about any childhood or young adult issues that may have contributed to the 'why' you did these things.

Bottom line is that very few people cheat because they are bad people or WANT to hurt their spouse. Infidelity is a symptom of other problems. Could be personal issues or problems in the M itself.

You need to find what the underlying issue is that cause you to be unfaithful.

Second, IMO, you need to sit down with your H and sincerely apologize to him for everything that you have done. You need to recognize his TRUE hurt. I can assure you that your actions hurt him much more than he probably has ever let on to you or anyone else. We men don't like to be completely honest about how much anything hurts us or about how deep some wounds go. We want to be strong and invincible. I promise you though, your actions cut into his male pride and his ego deeply... your actions hurt him to his very being.

You must own that. You have no choice. Take responsibility, which it seems you are beginning to do. But truly acknowledge how much you have hurt him. Apologize. Pour it all out to him. Tell him that none of it had to do with him (if true) and that you are ready to fix the things that caused it all. Tell him that you love him and never want to hurt him again.

Lastly, I personally would suggest that you throw in some male pride building into your DB efforts. Throw out a compliment or two each day to your H about how he looks... about his biceps, his eyes... whatever you find attractive. Give him an affectionate womanly touch once or twice a day. I think that you can subtly do this without putting too much pressure on him. Just don't have expectations about how you think he should respond to this.

I really would suggest reading the book "5 Love Languages". There is a chapter in there, I forget which, about a woman who had a 6 month plan of treating her H better, using his love language, to see if his behavior towards her would improve. It did. I think that you could benefit from reading that chapter. I think that it's the chapter on 'loving the unloveable'.

Hang in there. I do believe that your M can be saved. I believe that there is always hope if you are willing to work... be patient... be understanding... and give things time to improve.

BITS
Denver

[~¤DG¤~]

Girl,

Nobody here will put you down. We are all here for various reasons and are all in pain. This site has become a huge source of support for me, as it will you. I encourage you to keep posting and read up on other people's sitch's as well. You can learn a lot from them.

I agree with Denver, continue with the M counseling, and if possible, find a C for just yourself. It sounds like the abuse has really taken it's toll on you.

Following DR is hard at times, because it is the exact opposite of what our instincts tell us to do. It really does help though. The thing I have been learning is patience patience patience.

[a girl]

Thanks for the kind words. I've definitely told him how sorry I am, and my MC is helping me find an IC.

He says even before the stuff in 2009, he felt "disconnected", and that's what led to his cyber-affair.

Anyway. I don't know. Today I took S to the aquarium - H was going to come but got caught up with an emergency at work. He seemed really sad about not coming. S and I had a good time - did face painting and got doughnuts on the way home.

He texted twice while I was gone - I didn't respond. (ending the conversation)

When I got home, he was boiling eggs - he mentioned boiling extra for me because I had mentioned wanting egg salad.

I told him we had fun at the aquarium and missed him. Then I told him I was sorry his work stuff wasn't going well, chatted for a minute and then headed to the office (no following him around, ending the conversation).

He wants to go Geocaching tomorrow, so we'll see if that happens.

I was thinking of going and getting a mani/pedi - I'm feeling sad and depressed, but maybe doing something for myself would help.

[4betterorworse]

Gosh, what I wouldn't give to have found the DB book and this site before we were physically separated. You've had a rough go of it for a very long time it seems.. It sounds like your H hasn't completely detached himself from you - I think I'd secretly have a little bit of hope if my H boiled me some eggs . Anyways, I don't really have much in the way of advice, but you've got support here. And I would totally go for a mani/pedi - I've had a few the last couple of months, and it definitely brought my spirits up - if only for a few hours. Take what we can get right? I've also started reading lots of books. I'm tied to home alot b/c of my young children, and I find it alot easier to 'lose' myself in a good book then even a good movie. I find my mind wanders too much if I am watching tv, but if I'm reading, I can lose myself in the story b/c clearly you have to concentrate and focus when you are reading. I have, however, make sure I'm reading feel-good books. Normally I read a wide range of books, but right now, I just want light reading - you know like Sophia Kinsella type books. It helps me. I'm running out though. Maybe I will take the kids to the library tomorrow

I hope H comes through, and you get to do the geocaching tomorrow - something I've always wanted to do with my family.. He clearly still wants to be involved in the family life - not just in his kids life, or he'd be wanting to do stuff with just your son. Hope you get some sleep tonight.

[~¤DG¤~]

Yes, go pamper yourself! I always feel like a million bucks after I do a little something for myself.
A week after H left, I went and got my hair cut and colored, the way I liked it and didn't care if he would like it or not. I love it!

I think the fact that you are in M counseling together is a good sign.
Just try to take things one day at a time and practice patience, patience, patience.

[a girl]

Thanks for all the positive feedback.

I'm struggling with how to let H know I find him desirable and attractive (one of his big needs, if not the biggest) when we are not being intimate. I need not find a non-guilt inducing, non-awkward verbal way to do it.

I'm feeling better tonight, although earlier I was irritated that H spent all day on work and then went right to video games with very little interaction with S. I didn't say anything, though, and was pleasant and cheerful in conversation.

I wound up taking a nap instead of going for a mani/pedi - I'm not sleeping well, and I guess the doughnut I had at the aquarium with S caused a sugar crash. I felt much better after the nap, though, so it was worth it. I do have a haircut/color scheduled for Thursday. Not sure how drastic I'll go, but I'm doing something different, for sure.

[a girl]

Just a little journaling - mornings are hard for me. I'm not a morning person and I almost always wake up cranky. I've been working on being more "presentable" when I come out of the bedroom - not "made up and perfect", but "wearing clothes with my hair fixed". This is an improvement over my "wandering around in an old tshirt looking confused".

I'm considering getting different pajamas - I usually sleep in sweats and an old tshirt, but maybe there's an option out there that is more attractive without being lingerie.

Anyway, H just headed out to drop some stuff at Goodwill and maybe buy a bike at Costco. We're supposed to Geocache after that - we'll see how it goes.

[a girl]

More journalling - seems to help keep me sane.

H got home from Costco annoyed - they didn't have the bike he wanted at that one. They had it at a couple others that are ~30 minutes away, though. I said "Ok, let's just drive to one and get it". He said "I thought you'd be annoyed at the extra drive and derailing our plans." I said, "No, not at all. We can just find one that has some fun Geocaches near it and go there."

We talked a bit more about why he wanted this particular bike, and in the end, he's going with the one that was at the Costco near us. I just remained quietly supportive of whatever he wanted to do - said either was fine by me and no big deal.

Now he's doing his P90 workout upstairs (this is a new thing since he's been on a diet and exercise kick). S is with him - he likes to do the workouts, although I think he makes it a little difficult. I told H to let me know if he needs me to corral S.

I spent some time on my hair and makeup - I have long, curly hair, and it blows around when the sunroof/windows are down, so I usually have them up - this is a pet peeve of H, so on days when we'll be driving around in the sun, I'm putting my hair up in a dancer's bun so it won't bother me.

I also put on a bit of makeup - I don't usually wear much (just some eye stuff), but it makes me feel prettier, which can't be a bad thing.

I tried the suggestion of a perfume - I have a couple of "usual" ones, but since scent is such a strong memory link, I'm not sure about wearing them - can't be sure they won't provide a link to a negative memory. So I'm wearing Giorgio - one of my favourites from high school that I could never afford. I have a little sampler, and I'm sure if I've ever worn it around H, it's only once or twice.

We're off to Geocache after lunch, so we'll see how that goes.

Any thoughts/feedback/whatever appreciated. Thanks again for just being here.