When does the anxiety end

[d1adsl5a]

I have had chronic insomnia for the last 4 months. I had it 3 years ago when the marriage wasn't doing well. After several medications and finally accepting the divorce would happen I finally slept again. Got off 99 percent of all sleep and anxiety medecing. A year into the divorce I meet someone, thought she was the one, come to realize it was a rebound romance and ended it. I hurt someone horribly..I felt so bad. Now my divorce is getting close to being done. Started the chronic insomnia again. Now trying xanax with a little ambien to sleep. Why you ask..

The judge ruled yesterday:

I pay 3300 a month in child support
$1000 in maintenance for 5 years
I have to pay for catholic school at $1000 per month
I have to give 60% of 401k and pension which is about $400k
I already gave her $130k for the house she lives in because we split the equity in the current house and I took on an additional $130k so now my mortgage is almost double. I paid $40k in attorney's fees to get something i could have got on my own.

Yes I do OK fincially. But I am scared to death of having to pay for everyone. The judge told my wife she needs to get a job. Why should she? She does just fine with my money. I am mad, I am sad, I am hurt, I am scared as hell. My anxiety is bad, I am in a depression. Five months ago, I thought I would be fine. Now, I am this scared man who can't sleep, who is missing work because of it, who is this negative bitter person. I know I have the power to change, but when you can't sleep every other night it is hard to get back to normal thinking. I wanted a happy ending. That is all I wanted. Instead, I have 3 kids who are having emotional issues. The oldest with bad OCD because of this. My soon to be ex wife is the one who wanted the divorce and cheated on me. My whole life has been turned upside down and I am scared if I can do it all...Yes i am in therapy. I hate taking the drugs to sleep, but I have to sleep. Until my life settles a bit and i get used to being alone 4 nights a week, nothing will change. I have my sons every sat, sun, mon.

I am just so tired of being negative, not sleeping, being unhappy. I just want to be happy again. I realize it is a choice. But I just can't break out of this cycle....

[kml]

(((((((hug)))))))

OK hon - I can totally feel your pain. BUT - you need to recognize a few things:

1) You're probably depressed. That and the stress of the divorce process have put you into this tailspin. It's important to work on doing things to turn your neurotransmitters around. That may or may not include anti-depressants, but healthy food, EXERCISE, sunshine, regular sleep hours, B vitamins, all these things may help.

2) Don't fall into the trap of "horribilizing" your divorce settlement. A lot of the money you're spending on child support, you were probably spending before anyway...on your kids. Same for the alimony - your wife's groceries, clothes, entertainment etc probably cost you close to that $1,000 a month before the divorce. Nobody wins in a divorce settlement, but it sounds like financially, you'll be able to make it. Approach your finances from an UNemotional, rational place, or get the help of a good financial advisor.

3) I don't know your sitch, but if you have a child with OCD, don't assume the divorce is the cause. I just read an excellent book in which the doctors assumed a son's OCD was due to his parent's divorce - turned out to be due to Lyme disease. Strep infections can also cause OCD (the medical name is PANDAS - google it). Two of my kids have mild OCD and I know a lot about the medical research on it.

4) Focus on a goal. Something fun, something that has nothing to do with the divorce, something you've always wanted to do? I learned to play the drums in a rock band. You cannot be unhappy when you're drumming Highway to Hell!

It WILL get better. Honest.

[d1adsl5a]

I would agree kml, I am depressed. I have gone into that tailspin and am having a hard time getting out. I didn't sleep again last night. That is the 3rd night in a row. I have tried the antidepressants. They don't do well in my system. Therapy isn't helping. The xanax the dr. gave me is helping. I know I have to help myself. It is very difficult to do...I don't have a choice. I get it. I have to move forward for my boys.

I used to be that unemotional, rational guy. I wish I could find him again...

[figgeroni]

holy smokes

boy did I divorce the wrong guy!!!

kml is correct
get some sunshine or even replace some lightbulbs with some natural lights

remember...things can always change

do not let yourself get sucked into the vortex of "this is how my life is" which was always my problem...I could suck myself into the spinning nest of horribleness and make myself panic about everything

you have to remember to breathe

stop the negative thoughts

I used to have to actually say STOP outloud

try taking some melatonin (natural suppliment) We give it to my daughter who has epilepsy and it really helps her calm down to sleep...relaxing for sure

try meditation techniques where you concentrate on every body part, relaxing them as you go...like think really hard about your toes, notice how it feels to flex and point them, visualize wiggling them in warm sand...

get a bedtime routine...works with kiddos, works with us too...our bodies get used to a routine, signals all our muscles etc to stimulate rest

see a chiropractor

[ClingingToHope]

I found a divorce support group. That helped a lot. I found a church growth group. That helped a lot.

I started going to group weight lifting sessions. I couldn't find the motivation to do it on my own. I look better and feel better.

The finances suck. I watch every single penny now. The one positive is that what's left is MY money now. I don't get the surprise every two weeks of finding out XW overspent by $500 again and I have to take money out of savings. You will truly grow to like that.

Otherwise, the only thing that helps is time. I told this story before. I nearly burned my foot off as a child. I'd show everyone my scars growing up. Now, 38 years later, I can't remember which foot I burned. I have to look closely to see the scars. Time heals all wounds.

[whatisis]

Time doesn't heal all wounds, it's what we do with that time that either heals those wounds or leaves them as deeply infected sores!

[whatisis]

D1, sorry to find you here. Sounds like a very difficult time for you. Posting here can help, you've got some useful advice so far. You mentioned AD's and that they don't work well with your system. How many have you tried? I know people who've had to try a few before they found one that works well. Also as a sleep aid I'm using something called Zenbev (Zenbev.com) which is pumpkin seed extract which becomes Melatonin (natural melatonin is better than manufactured) at night and can be used during the day to increase serotonin (don't combine it with AD's or anxiety meds). I used Lorazepam off and on for a bit but haven't needed it at all since using Zenbev. Also, I've known some people who've been given Seroquel for sleep, it's normally used as an anti-psychotic but doctors can prescribe it for sleep as well. Just some quick thoughts for you. Anyway, hang in there and keep us posted on your sitch.

[d1adsl5a]

I do appreciate all the good advice. It also nice to know there are other options from a med standpoint. Seroquel was mentioned before which may be a good alternative. I take a little xanax and ambien right now. I finally slept last night after 3 nights. I get freaked out that I have to take Xanax and Ambien to sleep which doesn't always work. I just have to believe that once my sleep patterns get better, I get more confidence and I am able to bring myself out of this hole. I can taper down everytyhing on my own. I have to accept the fate that just happened on Monday in court. I know it will just take time as everyone mentioned. I am scared, I have anxiety about it all. Mix in the insomnia which is just a revolving cycle. It has been tougth.. oh and yea I am depressed. Who wouldn't be...Did I say that my W was the one who wanted this and who cheated on me too.

I do well with certaninty, control--knowing what tomorrow will bring. I was the type A guy. Well all that has been blown up and it is about learning how to live again in a different way.

Today is Day 1... I am looking forward to when this thing is finally signed which is probably a couple months away still. Everytime I get a text from her, I still get that jolt of anxiety. Because she will be yelling about something. We were at a baseball game for our son last night. She was laughing and carrying on like everything was great. Why wouldn't it be, she doesn't ever have to work again. At least for the next 5 years.

I never wanted to be the bitter angry divorced guy. She turned me into that guy.

[ClingingToHope]

You don't have to be the angry divorced guy. She can't turn you into that. You can choose to be that. If you stay the angry divorced guy then your sons suffer. They may not say much now, but 20 years from now you want them sitting down and remembering how their dad kept his chin up and became a happier person.

They will be men. Odds are 1 if not 2 of them are going to go through this. You want them to remember that you didn't let this beat you.

I think about my dad a lot now. The good and the bad. He fell off the wagon without my mom and eventually drifted out of my life because of DUIs. I don't want that to happen to me. He also never sad a bad word about my mom even as she drifted from man to man looking for the love that she gave up willingly. I want that to be me.

The control thing? I am not very religious, but I have been going to church a lot more. Part of it is the fact it has 6,000 members and lots of different things to do and people to meet.

When I have a free Friday, I go to the Celebrate Recovery ministry. I originally thought it was just for alcoholics and drug addicts. But it's for people who are addicted to anger or are co-dependent on someone else for their well being.

The big thing they preach is that life is unmanageable. We all have hopes and dreams and most of those go unrealized. Who's life really goes according to plan.

I was always trying to control everything, plan everything out, make sure everything worked out in my favor. I had to learn to let go. I can't MAKE someone love me. I can't physically reach in her head and flip a switch.

Man, that's a tough thing. I was a romantic growing up. I figured if I did the right things -- don't abuse someone, stay faithful, help around the house and with kids -- that I'd find someone and we'd stay married forever.

That didn't happen and life goes on.

The beginning of the Serenity Prayer is perfect:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I still, on a daily basis, get swept up in some reverie and down moments and wishing life was like it was before. Those are less than before. I get up from my desk and take a 10 minute walk around downtown and sing to myself -- "Something Great is Going to Happen To Me."

I made that up myself and it helps.

And I do all of this without medicine. The strongest thing I've taken is St. John's Wort, and that's really just for the placebo effect.

[d1adsl5a]

Well said. I agree alot with what you said. I wish I was without the medecine. But I tried for a couple months and I couldn't handle the insomnia anxiety. I had it 3 years ago when the issues with my W started. It took a year for the insomnia to subside. I am 3.5 months in and I feel I understand it more. It is about the stress of my indecision, not knowing if i can handle things. Being at peace before I lay down. I do pray and have to believe that will come in time again. About being the divorced angry guy, I believe that will subside too. I am not an angry person. The W is the one that had many of the temper issues. i was always the calming force. I need to get back to that person. When I sleep well, I am that guy. I do think I can make it financially. I just need to keep the focus on my job. I missed many days of work in the a last 3 months due to no sleep. I have been with this company for 21 years and run a large sales organization. I have been fortunate to have a great group of people work for me that have picked up the slack while I deal with my issues...


I am not the most religious guy. I have wanted to give this to god several times. I am envious of people who are able to let HIM in to do that for them. That serenity prayer is a very good reminder though how He can help me...

thanks.