I've been reading for a while now, don't let the registration date fool you
I'm posting here because my xH had an MLC and although I didn't save the R, I did manage to save me. I'm now in a new relationship and as anyone would expect at some point along the way, we're having growing pains. I figured, hey ... why not start early and come here for support in moving forward and making sure I stay true to what I've learned along the way.
Happy Weekend to All! ~ Bell
It is never too late to be who you might have been. ~George Eliot
ME: young kids work full time was M 15 yrs/div almost final (H had MLC/trigger in early '09)
BF: no kids/doesn't want any of his own works full time was M 2 yrs/div at 23, GF for 3 yrs (messy break up)
We've been together for 3 months and our chemistry is great. We have a lot of fun, are very compatable in many ways ... but lately I've been feeling frustrated.
I read the books, and have gotten lost on here on many occasions ... I DB'd my marriage, and saved me - as you guys talk so much about on here. It took me a long time to get it, I made lots of mistakes and spent a lot of time looking over my shoulder at what my xH was doing or not doing. I've made a lot of changes, and know that this evolution will never end.
I'm discovering that the new R is harder than I think I realized it would be. Communication is tough.
Throughout this process I feel like I slayed many dragons. My x demonized me to an almost unrecognizable degree, but there really were grains and nuggets of truth in what he said. It took me until he was really gone to get it, but get it I did. Or at least I thought I did.
He accused me of never really listening. He said that even when I did manage to not interupt or overtake a conversation, even when I was trying to listen he felt like I was only listening to him long enough to get enough information to build my argument against whatever point he was trying to make.
OUCH.
That hurt. Or stung (as you guys say ).
It was true. And I'm embarrassed to admit it.
I thought I changed that, I worked hard to be a more 'present' listener. I'm conscious of it with my kids, my parents, my x, my friends, my co-workers and I thought, my BF.
Until recently when he told me I was hard to talk to.
Sigh.
Back to the drawing board ...
More to come, but back to work for now!
~ Bell
It is never too late to be who you might have been. ~George Eliot
I'm discovering that the new R is harder than I think I realized it would be.
No pain – no gain eh…
Quote:
Communication is tough
Tough does not equal impossible!
Quote:
Until recently when he told me I was hard to talk to
Did this comment sting?
How do you listen?
Are you listening or just hearing?
Can you honestly say that you are not or do not formulate opinions or defenses BEFORE he starts to communicate with you?
Quote:
Or at least I thought I did
Why do you say this? Is it based on what your BF says to you?
Do you think that you have fully gotten to know this person? Do you think that maybe fear is driving some of your choices? Have you considered that maybe you may be feeling a bit “better than he is”? You have mentioned that slayed demons…does he have any that he needs to slay? If so, are you up for being there while and if he does?
One more question…….you are at this R for 3 months….what does the fact that you are having some issues say to YOU? Are you trying to understand yourself better or trying to saving the R? If it is trying to save the R?
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Did it sting? Darn tootin' it did ... that's what I'm sayin'. I thought I was really listening, and hearing, what BF was saying to me. Turns out that's NOT how he feels. So I have more work to do, because no, when I sit down and think about it I'm probably guilty sometimes of exactly what you describe.
Fully gotten to know this person? It's been 3 mos! That's what we're doing - dating, getting to know each other, and exploring how we relate. Fear? Driving decisions? How so?
Feeling better than him? Ummm, no. I'm probably guilty of feeling like I'm more experienced in some areas, I've caught myself using our age difference as an excuse for that in my own head a few times. But superior to him? No.
Does he have demon's? Presumably. Know anybody who doesn't? Will I be there? Well, that's the plan as it stands right now, but I'm not looking too far into the future at this point. If I learned anything in the last few years it's that anything can happen. I'm trying to learn to be more present in today.
Ok, your last question (which by the way was 3 questions!):
The fact that we are having some issues tells me a couple of things:
1. I've still got work to do (and I don't just mean in the general "we'll all have work to do forever" sense, I mean right now, demon slaying work.)
2. I'm not wearing rose colored glasses when it comes to the R. I want to be real and honest and not get caught in the trap where I overlook all the bad and only see the good. I learned about unconditional love and acceptance and I strive to be true to that.
I am trying to know myself better, that much I'm sure of. Am I trying to save the relationship? Save it? It's early to call it that I think.
I thought about this last night actually, and most of us find DB very late in the game. This time I have a chance to apply what I've learned (and am obviously still learning) at a different point in time. Preemptively so to speak. What's that saying about an ounce of prevention being worth a pound of cure?
Does that mean that we're going to be together forever? Or that I'll even want to be with him as we move forward and get to know each other even better? Or that he'll want to be with me for that matter . Not necessarily. But I want the best foundation possible, for me ... and maybe for us.
~ Bell
It is never too late to be who you might have been. ~George Eliot
Hi sweetie. Good for you for wanting to start out on the right foot with your new bf.
Ok, so, now you have important information. If it were me, I would ask him why he feels that way.
Is he uncomfortable approaching you about things, or doesnt feel you are really hearing him or maybe he feels that you are not 100% there for him?
Let's face it, there are things in your life that are drastically different than in his. You have kids and you were married. And you have a million things on your mind and on your plate. Those things come into play in a relationship with someone who doesnt have those things.
But, once you find out what he means, you can then actively work on what you feel you should work on.
You might try mirroring what he said so he is sure you understood it.
You are still so early into this. You are just beginning to learn the nuances about each other.
You are right to take it slow and see where it goes.
Make the changes if you feel YOU feel you need to.
