Dazed and confused...

[♪CS♪]

I asked if she would feel better If I would move out.

I told her I would still pay for much of it, I want the boys to be comfortable.

If you only listen to one thing....

NEVER do this again.

[lstincali22]

Country, I know your 100% correct. I have to stop letting the frustration of this living situation get the best of me.

This living in limbo for as long as I have is just so darn tough!

[lstincali22]

I went back to work today after taking a few extra days off to spend with the kids, I had originally put in for the time off because our anniversary was on Saturday and at the time I had thought the W and I would take off for the weekend and celebrate obvoiusly that didn't happen. I still took the time off and had a great time with the kids.

I love that through all this I still have a great relationship with my boys.

I feel myself getting closer to leaving this situation completely.

I am bigining to feel as if I would definitely be better off with the just me and the boys.

The woman living in my home is someone I don't really know and haven't known for some time now. I've mourned the loss of my W and the life we once had.

I think it's time. I have to give myself a few days to think about this before I proceed in any direction.

[lstincali22]

Life is not meant to be lived like this. It's time for me to move on completely. I have to get everything on order and do my best to ensure that I am able to get time with my SS. I have to focus on what's most important, my kids.

I'm not sure how I should go about this. I really have to think this through so it has the smallest impact possible on the kids.

I really believe I'm to the point that I would like her to leave. She told me a couple of days ago that if she ever found out that i had an affair she would just leave, I never have but it's interesting to know that she wouldn't worry about having enough money, what's the difference?

Anyway, now I need to switch gears and get all my ducks in a row....

[lstincali22]

W finally gave me a timeline. She plans on being out of here in 2 months. I believe i'm going to hold her to that.

I'm moving on now I know this is going to get more difficult, but it's the reality I need to deal with.

She has exercised her free will, she has the right to.

I must now pick up the pieces, I guess I wasn't as detached as I thought I was because I'm still feeling pain, not as bad as before but it is still there.

I have to let go completely....

This is more difficult than I even imagined.....

[lstincali22]

After yesterday IC session I realize even more that I am still too focused on her. I have not detached as much as I felt I had. I’m glad my counselor told me that my reaction was normal based on the trauma I had gone through. Normal or not I’m still pissed at myself for reacting the way I did. I allowed myself to get tied up in what she might be doing and that was all it took. I wish my commute was not as long as it is; it gives me way too much time to think! I need to download some books on my Iphone so that I can keep my mind busy during my drive.
 
I need to stop focusing on her or putting so much energy toward her. It’s a waste. I cannot change her or how she feels. I need to continue to focus on me and taking care of the kids.
 
I’ve been exercising more consistently, now I really just need to work harder on GAL! I spend so much time with the kids that it almost seems impossible for me to do anything for myself. By the time I get home from work and by the time football practice and dinner is taken care of it’s already 9pm. I then try to get a workout in and when that is over there is not much time left. My days off are spent cleaning and taking care of household chores for the most part.
I feel as if I’m a single father of two very active boys. I’m not complaining, I really enjoy family life, it suits me well. I like spending time with my boys; it makes my days so much brighter.
 
I may be trying to take too much. I don’t want to depend on my W for anything but the fact is she is still the mother of our children and she should be doing her share.
 
Yesterday I made it a point to get out for a couple of hours and I had lunch with an old friend. I kind of felt bad about leaving the kids at home. I know I shouldn’t, I have every right to be able to do things without the kids but, I felt bad nonetheless.
 
My IC asked about the lunch, she was wondering if this meant that I was detached enough to start dating. I had to clarify that I was merely catching up with an old friend. I let my IC know that I realize that I am in vulnerable position and that it would be very easy to get caught up in an EA or even worse a PA and that would not make the situation at hand any better.
 
I explained to my IC that my friend is having marriage issues of her own and we openly talked about our problems during lunch. I also let my IC know that I don’t plan on meeting up with her again it would be too easy to let things go down the wrong path.
 
I still allow myself to get caught up in what I would like life to be like as a complete family. What I need to be caught up with is how to give my boys the best life possible with whatever happens.

[lstincali22]

There have been so many different thoughts going through my head lately; the one that resonates loudest is whether or not this woman is right for me.
I realize that I try to live my life guided by my belief in God and a core set of values.
The more I think about it the less my W fits into the values I have and want to teach my kids to live by.
Honesty, Integrity, Perseverance, Honor, Humility and Respectfulness are all very important to me.
My W has shown at the very least weakness in all of those, what if those are things that just don’t matter to her anymore?

I have been asking myself if I would be willing to compromise, I can forgive and not be judgmental but, I do not need to choose to live my life with someone who does share at least a few of those values with me.
 
I know this may come off as self righteous babble, but I am not attempting to say that I am better than her. Just wondering if there would be any hope in something working out if we aren’t guided by similar beliefs.
 

[lstincali22]

Well, looks like a different kind of bomb has been dropped on me, my therapist thinks I have a bipolar disorder. She is referring my to a phyciatrist.

We've discussed symptoms that have occurred before any of marriage issues.
This should be an interesting journey...

[lstincali22]

It’s been a long time since my last post; I’ve been trying to keep my mind off the things that had been going on and trying to regroup.

I saw a psychiatrist and a medical doctor since my last post; I decided to get evaluated for Bipolar disorder. I had blood work done, by the doctor to make sure I was chemically balanced, and an evaluation done by the shrink.

It turns out I am just very stressed by the current situation, and I am over thinking everything. The shrink feels I put too much time and effort into analyzing everything and it puts me through a whirlwind of emotions, quite normal for my situation but something I need to control.

The situation with my W hasn’t changed much. I just try to keep to myself and not initiate very much communication with her. As far as I know she still plans on moving out at the end of next month.

Most of the communication is about our kids. The boys started school today so the last few weeks have been busy with getting everything set up for school. We actually had a few shopping trips as a family seemed a little odd at first, but turned out quite well.

I’ve also focused on spending time with both S’s before going back to school. Bowling, fishing, hiking and football practice lots and lots of football practice.

The few times I have had conversations with W she seems very frustrated with me.

I had attempted to have a conversation about a parenting plan and how we would handle splitting up the week when she leaves. The conversation ended up being about how I try to control her and everything else that has to do with our family.

Needless to say it didn’t go well, we were supposed to continue the 19th but I decided I didn’t want to initiate the conversation that day and she never brought it up.

Her comments about control really got me thinking. Even when I feel like I’m not being controlling my actions really seem to be interpreted by others in a very different way.I feel as if just trying to be proactive but I can see how others may see my planning as taking control.
I've really been working on this but it will take some time before I can make the change stick.

I know that the fear of being a failure had motivated me to take control of things in many situations throughout my career but I never had taken a close enough look at the way it transferred over into life at home.

I have to realize that the motivation has helped me in reaching the levels of success I have achieved thus far, but, I know it’s time to change my approach. My outlook needs to be one that is much more positive!

I know that I need to show much more of the compassion and empathy that I feel for others, but have always seen as a weakness.

I’ve already made many changes at work in that sense. I’ve gone from being the boss that tells people exactly what to do and how much time they have to, the boss that leads you down a thought process, allows for mistakes to be made ( as long as you learn from them!) and encourages everyone to keep an open mind.

I’ve also been able to change many of the ways I interact with my kids. They have also seen me as somewhat of a dictator at home, a loving dictator, but one none the less.

I am really taking the time to listen to what they have to say and letting them know how important they are to me, and how important their ideas and thoughts are as well.

There is much more compromising going on at home, the thoughts and feeling of both the boys are being taken into consideration and it is a more stable less confrontational environment overall. It really makes for calmer days!

A lot of different learning going on and most of it has been me focusing on me! Not on the situation.

Sunday was an example of that for me.
Usually, not going to church on a Sunday was not an option! My S14 asked if we could skip church and hit the beach since it was so hot and it was the last day of their summer break. His argument was that if we waited to go after church the beach would be packed and it would be very late by the time we got home. Also the later we went the hotter the day would be!

The temperature has been in the 95-105 range and only 78 at the beach so his argument made sense to me! I also agreed to take 2 of S14 friends along so it was going to be me 3 teenage boys and my S9.

This is something that would not have happened last year. I was never a big fan of the beach for some reason or another so instead of thinking about what would be fun for the kids I would opt out of going and my W would have to take them. Very selfish of me!

As I was getting the everything ready and, taking care of breakfast for the kids, I asked W if she would like to join us, She immediately said no, I was disappointed and tried my best not to show it. S9 then asked her if she wanted to go he told her it would be fun if we could all go as a family. She told him no as well. At this point it was difficult for me not to show my disappointment. W asked why I was mad. I told her I wasn’t mad, I was disappointed. W said you’re disappointed because I won’t do what you want! I responded with it has nothing to do with what I want, S9 would really like for us to do this as a family, with your stated plan of leaving in September this could be one of the last times we can do something like this.

W responded with, “So you’re suggesting that we do this for the kids, not ordering?” I said, “Yes, it’s a suggestion”

That is all it took. W got ready and came along with us. Needless to say the boys had a fantastic time at the beach. I spent most of the time playing around with the boys, enjoying myself, W and I exchanged a little small talk. She asked me a few times as to why I was so, Gung-Ho about going to the beach. I think it really surprised her.

I told her about conversation with S14 and that I thought it would be fun. She seems to have had a good time as well, no arguments or discussions about any of the stuff I usually over analyze. We were able to relax and just enjoy the weather and the watching the boys attempt to skin board.

I grilled burgers for dinner when we got home and overall it seemed as if everyone had a good day!

I know that I should not feel disappointment in her responses or actions, but when it has an effect on the kids it’s hard not to. I know it was still a bit controlling but i'm working on it!

I am happy with the changes that I am making both at work and at home with the kids. I feel that I am going in the right direction in improving myself and taking things one day at a time

The cycle that I have been going through with needing to control things is finally something I am conscious of.

I know I would take control, expect things to go my way, be impatient with others because they couldn’t meet my vision and expectations fast enough and the get angry with the outcome ALL because I feared the association with failure.

I’ve also set up a few goals, I told the boys that next year we will go to Hawaii for our summer vacation and spend a week on the beach. I’ve already opened a savings account specifically for the trip

I have decided to run the LA Marathon with a group of about 10 people from work next year (March) the training will keep me busy for at least 20 weeks and it is something on the bucket list, I had it down as something I wanted to accomplish before hitting 40.

One other thing that I put on the list was a promise I made to S9, I told him I would learn how to swim before our Hawaii trip, I know he will hold me to it!

If you read through this, sorry for such a long post!

[LearningPatience]

cali,
it sounds like you are learning to let go of the things in life you can't control (i.e. everything but you:) and learning to roll with things. That's excellent! Continue down that path and things will work out well, whatever well ends up being.

BTW, the Hawaii, marathon and swimming are all great goals to work towards. The marathon training itself will do wonders; good luck with all of that.