Just writing down my thoughts............pouring it out so to speak..........
Struggling to get too sleep at the moment, esp this last week. Detachment was/is going ok, but had a bad Sat when I kept thinking about W and if she was going out etc. I find the detachment easier when she has the kids and I am on my own as I know she is not out drinking and partying. Most of the time I think about W, but not what she is doing, with etc, but why I am in this position, how did I get here, why has she chosen this path instead of trying etc, BUT..........
I am in a really strange place ATM TBH
I was the one who paid for her rental deposit and first months rent so she could get her own place, this was for both of our sakes as at the time as we were both unhappy. I am sure W has been questioning her choices from how she has been acting and what kids and friends have said, but this changes nothing (actions not words), she is so stubborn and proud she will not admit anything to anyone!!!! So I can not see the S changing anytime soon.
I know I will be better for this (eventually), and he upstairs will have a cunning plan, but ATM it feels very hard to take, mainly because my contributions to the failure of M are minimal. I have recognised my contributions though, processed them, owned them and have forgiven myself, I just hope W can do the same, for her.
I keep telling myself that W's words to me were that she had been a bit*h to ME and treated me poorly. I know I have something to do with this but Hell....... I had been so unhappy in the M in the last year or so, but I want us to work at it, start from the beginning again, have a new better R/M, AM I MAD? I can not help the way I feel though. As I said before, head and heart are not in sync here! I removed my wedding ring as a symbol that the M is over and I do not want to go back to how it was, and I will not, I would rather go through this pain rather then be in an unhappy marriage, life is too short! But I love my W! I suppose I have to look at it from a good perspective, i.e. she felt she mistreated ME, but I want/wanted to work on our M, not just give up and walk away, that shows a lot and the person I am.
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
The books and this forum have helped me so much to understand that M is constant work and that life should not get in the way of the people we love. The issues we have are not insurmountable IMHO and I would like to put these new skills into practice, but I don't think that is going to happen with W.. I just need to keep them in mind whatever R comes up in the future (with or without W).
I'm just beating myself up that I didn't look after ME in the last couple of years, always putting my W and kids first, making sure they had everything, managing the accounts/money, nice things, holidays, but I stopped doing anything I enjoyed doing, and when I read dr where its says about GAL and do things which you enjoy doing, it was right, I had forgotten what I like!!!!
The choices I make are for me and my kids now, not like at the start where 50%+ was for W.
Do I think LRT/Dark is working? I have no idea, BUT it gives me the chance to move forward and continue to try and detach more and be a better me. Friends and Mutual friends have said I seem very happy, and I feel I am on the road to getting back to the old "real" me, this is also been fed back to W, but this is for me. Losing weight, yes was a result of the S, but now I feel great about it and WANT to lose some more (I am only 12st 6lb now!, and wasn't that bad to start with, I just became a bye product of an unhappy M) I have also started to notice women "checking me out" in the last couple of weeks, I even had to old rye smile when I noticed one last week, does help to make me feel better.
Kids are OK, but I am concerned about them, but I can only control what they eat and their welfare when they are with me. I can not control what happens when they are with their mum, but if things continue to go how they have been I will have to say something, they are priority. S12 said yesterday to me he was not really happy about going to his mums as he felt left out, so I just gave them some reassurances.
I tried earlier last week to help W as I am sure she is in a difficult place, just tried to say in a constructive, non pressuring way to think about who she really was, what she wanted etc, but that was just thrown in my face so lesson learnt there. W is the ONLY one who can help herself, she will not listen to family or friends, and most of them, together with me have now given up. Maybe she is OK and fine, but that's not what we all see, but hey, I can do nothing about that now, she is on her own journey. It has been quite hard hearing some home truths from our mutual friends, esp them saying I should move on due to how they saw W treating me, they know how I feel though and I have been honest (as per above) but they even want little to do with her due to her attitude and selfishness, but that's up to them. W has changed though, like most of us LBSers say, we don't recognise them anymore, who has abducted our W's but left their bodies behind.
Two types of GAL activities going on, with kids and without kids, and they are not coming along to badly TBH, sometimes need to push my individual ones, like going out for a cycle, but when I do I usually feel better.
Its just hard ATM, I can not help the way I feel about her, but my head says I was so unhappy, treated poorly (in the last year or 2) move on. Well, I am moving on, just that, at this moment it doesn't include OW, got enough problems without adding to it, plus I am strong enough to handle this on my own. Once the dust settles we shall see........
It is what it is............
Anyway, just sounding out to you BITS here, thanks for looking in.
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
S12 called last night to say hi, and that he needed to come around in the morning to pick something up for school. He sounded down and said he had been in his room all night, so I just said remember we will all be going bowling again next Tuesday as we had a great time last week, and reminded him to ask his friend to have a sleepover next Friday (as he never does and feels left out) and we will all play board games and have snacks etc.
W brought the kids around for S12 to pick up some stuff for school but stayed in the car as she knew I have usually left by that time, but I stayed later this morning. When W pulled up out the front I was in the BACK garden and I could hear W shouting at the kids in the car, with the doors and windows shut!!!!, then again when they left I could again hear W shouting at them, after W had "beeped" to get them to hurry up!
I am having the kids on Wed night as W has to stay over for work, so she will collect them on Thur eve, I think I may be in the shower again when she comes. I actually feel a lot better when I don't see her; this darkness seems to work better for me this way. Saying that I have now received 2 mystery phone calls to my home number in the past week, and when I say hello, the line goes dead. Maybe, maybe not, but MIL has x directory number so it does not show up on caller display, and can not be traced back and I know W was there (kids told me) when I received the calls!! Plus everyone knows W has moved out, just a bit sus if you ask me. Anyway, not bothered either way now.
I/we haven't talked about the R, M or the future now for a good 5-6 weeks now, or any D talk. Hell, I haven't even asked how's work, what she has been up to etc, but she tells me. When she gave me some dates to change for the kids she explained clearly what they were for, but when I asked her for a date change and not to swap the weeks around I just said I had plans, nothing else. When W called on Sun night she was just chatting away about her friends, like she used to, I just listened really and offered a couple of pieces.
W reactions to things I have said a few weeks back and about my boundaries were just reactive defences IMHO, but hey!
Feel quite good today actually, more positive, esp as people have been saying how good I look. Plus I am feeling more positive about this detachment thing, starting to get to a point where the response is "whatever"
I really don't want to see or speak to W ATM, I kind of like leaving it a couple of weeks at a time, gives ME time.
I really am starting to believe that I am a great guy only a fool would leave, and if W thinks the grass is greener she will have quite a surprise, W will struggle to better me LOL, ohh and that she will loose out greater than I (mainly due to how much I have been learning). W can only find this out for herself, but answers are not found at the bottom of a wine glass she tries looking at each night!! I am GAL MAN, and if W wants back in at some point then W will have to show a lot to commitment to the cause, like she did to leave in the first place, then it will be my choice.
Will update later in the week.
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
When they say it's a rollercoaster, they are not wrong.....
After a very positive Tuesday, yesterday was the complete opposite. Felt really down and didn't want to do anything, so so day so far!
W and mutual friends are trying to patch things up which is good, and got a message from MF that this was the case and they don't want to be in the middle of W and I, which is fair enough.
S12 came around Tue early evening to say hi, and said that our MF's were going to see W, but then said W had told both him and D14 how much savings I had in the bank...... WHY......and said W had been telling them I had more money than her...WTF. She had the car!!!! (Does this mean she is processing some anger emotions, or just being petty and resentful, who knows) Looks like she is trying to plead poverty with the kids, then S12 tells me W has purchased another new maxi dress (that's 9 now in the last two weeks!!) IDK
Got a call from S12 Tue later in the evening when MF's were around W's place, again saying he had been on the stairs for 30 minutes, and was now under his bed. He sounded upset, but said he was ok, just board as he couldn't go into the living room as W and MF's were there. I just reminded him again that we were going bowling again next week and to ask his friend about the sleepover.
Kids are going straight to W's after school, so I won't have to see her. I have decided again to be in the shower on Sun when she comes around, and we will see next week if I get another mystery call or if she makes any other contact. Will then go back to seeing her when she comes around, esp after the first occasion after she moved out when we had a lengthy conversation (no R talk) and when we were talking we were both looking into each others eyes (that was 3-4 weeks ago now though). I know now that W's LL are quality time and words of affirmation (Well I think so!) so will try and tap into that. Plus start giving compliments on how good she looks etc and asking about her work, family etc. She always asks D14 how I am and what I am doing when she calls her, I don't ask the kids anything. Think this is the right thing to do.
Going dark is difficult, I so much want to pick up the phone and call and say hi, I know she will respond, but what good does that achieve! I know I need to give this darkness another few weeks, but what then, do I start contacting her more and being friendly. I suppose to carry on with it whilst showing everyone (W) that I am GAL and seem happy, I am giving her space physically and emotionally to rationalise her choices I suppose, but what if W is getting used to the no contact and being alone (5 weeks now since W moved out), well I suppose it helps me. Lots of questions I seem to have answered myself LOL
Out tomorrow night with the H's and our MF for a few beers locally, then out with my mates on Sat. I am certainly seeing MUCH more of my friends and family which we had neglected. Cycling hasn't happened this week (don't like it in the rain LOL) but I am happy with seeing friends and family, plus house tidying and cleaning tonight.
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
Posted in last thread that W has a cell phone which is in my name, but W also has her own now as well.
The last bill has just come in and its HUGE, and she is still using it (I havent checked the details by the summary says so)
I think I need to ask for it back now as she has her own, and to ask her for the money. D14's bill was also large, W is meant to pay half of this as well!!
I know I need to keep the path smooth etc, but I have got to look after myself surely! She has her own cell!
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
I haven't asked W yet for the cell phone back as I don't want to make contact, although MF's say I should, but will ask W for it next Sunday and give her a week to sort it out.
A good socialising weekend, but paid for it in recovering LOL. Went out with H's of MF on Friday night, and other friends Sat night. Even got chatted up on Sat night by a young divorcée, but she had some serious issues of her own so stayed well clear, not in the frame of mind to go there yet!
MIL called on Sunday afternoon, which was the first time I have spoken to them since W moved out. MIL said they have wanted to call for a while, but wanted to stay out of things. MIL and FIL do not understand what W is doing, and even said that W doesn't call them as often now, W used to call MIL every day without fail. MIL thinks W is having a crisis and doesn't understand what is going on in W's head and said that W will not open up to anyone. I said I felt the same, but MIL, me and her friends could not help W and that she is on her own journey which only she can guide. I sounded happy and upbeat on the phone to MIL which she was glad to hear. I mentioned to MIL my concerns about kids, and asked her to keep an eye on things and not to mention this directly to W, which MIL said she wasn't even going to tell W she had called, plus it was up to her so I am welcome around any time, which was nice.
W text me on Sunday morning (first contact since W called last Sunday) to say she wanted to come round to pick up S12's jeans, and then again at 2pm to say to call the kids, but didn't pick up either as I switched my cell off at 4am after my night out and going for a curry. Stayed at friends house so didn't get home until 3pm. When W dropped the kids off I was in the shower. Next week I will start seeing her when she collects/drops kids off.
Kids came back Sunday evening, and again had only been eating junk (Cereals Sunday breakfast and hotdogs for lunch, which was it) they haven't been doing anything with W, just staying in their bedrooms. D14 said they are still having arguments, with W now shouting at her to get out of her sight and calling her a little fu***** Bit*h!!!! W also keeps shouting at them to "go to your Dads then" when in arguments. I have told both kids to not get into fights with W and to appreciate their mum is having a difficult time at the moment but only their Mum can figure things out. W is still trying to find answers at the bottom of wine glasses!
Got some things planned for us all this week (evenings) Monday - Shopping and Starbucks Tuesday - Bowling (with my brothers family) Wednesday - Relaxing Thursday - Home baking Friday - S12 sleepover, pizza and games
Saturday - Lunch and afternoon and my parents Sunday - Sunday roast at friend's pub
Me - 37 W - 38 D - 14 S - 12 Together - 16 Married - 12 Bomb - April 13, 2011 W moved out - May 13, 2011
The man I became is changing back to the man I was........... and more
GAL, as someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent who used to call me similar names as your W to D14, get the kids out of that sitch! Most people have no idea how damaging that is to a kid.
It's good that you are not disparaging their mom to them, but don't mistake that for putting up with her behaviour. The kids might not know how to set appropriate boundaries for her, so you'll have to do it.
I'm so glad you are being the rock for them during this hard time! Hang in there!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
