W and I have been married close to 11 years. Last summer she had an EA that turned into a PA. I immediately felt betrayed and angry but did the usual crying, begging, and pleading.
She had made plans for a weekend getaway with OM and told her if she did and followed through then I would file, which I did. Then I discovered the book and the site and decided I want to save my M. DB'b my a$$ off and did a complete 180 from the H I was which she was unhappy with. Last week my IC even mentioned that in her 25 years of C that she has never seen someone that has done the complete 180 like I have.
In December my W mentioned that she wants to work on the M and we started MC. I heard her complaints which I knew what they were and had already corrected most of them.
Things were well for a while. And we withdrew the D. The other day she mentioned if I was happy the way things were going. I told her yes but I would like to do some more things together just the two of us. She agreed and followed up with a text that she loves me.
Her 40th bday is coming up and I was looking into a weekend getaway for the two of us. Then her friend mentioned a surprise party and I told this friend that she was adament that this is not what she wants. She insisted that she wanted to give her one so instead of it just coming from this friend I offered to assist so it looks like it came from the kids and I as well. This morning she found out about it and kind of lost it. Saying that this is not what she wanted and that I always do what I want to do. I explaind it wasn't my idea but if this frind was going to do it that I wanted the kids and I to help. After much arguing she tells me that she's been trying but doesn't feel she can love me the way I deserve to be loved by a wife. She was already planning on taking the kids out for the day so instead of talking about the R I walked away and let her leave.
I've been reading these boards for a while and was hoping to get some much needed advice from the wise people here. How can she tell me she's happy with me one day and then a few days later tell me she can't love my like a real W can? I'm so confused.
There is a difference between knowing the path & walking the path. – Morpheus
Piecing is hard, it is so very hard. Most go into this thinking the worst is over, they see the end in sight or worse they are at the end.
Piecing is stumbling blocks and so very hard.
When the LBS (you) is percieved to make a mistake, percieved to fall back into old patterns and habits, the WAS (spouse) becomes fearful that nothing has changed.
Old arguments come to the forefront.
I commend you on the 180's. You owe it to yourself to be honest with yourself, as I am not asking you here to answer, have you slipped back into old patterns at all? Have you dropped anything because you achieved your goal of not getting a divorce?
That is a grave mistake, if you have.
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How can she tell me she's happy with me one day and then a few days later tell me she can't love my like a real W can?
Well, there is a difference between being happy with someone and loving someone...but that is not what you mean.
One day she told you she loved you, the other she told you she couldn't love you like a real wife can.
I cannot mind read your wife.
I'll offer the two things that come to my mind.
First, she is confusing the addition-like love attraction of the affair with lasting love of a couple/companionship.
Or she is offering up arguments why this isn't working out, because of that whole fear of hers that nothing has changed.
Piecing isn't easy by any means. It is constant, I shall be peicing until the day I die, if I do it right. That is my goal, to always be working at my relationship with my wife.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Jack, Thanks for checking in. I definitely have not slipped back into my old habits. My 180's are a permanant change for me and I will never go back.
She did call while at work and told me that she was sorry for acting the way she did and that it was a combination of that time of the month and feeling the she wasn't being heard again by not wanting a party. She said she understood that it wasn't my idea and could see how if it was going to happen why the kids and I wanted to be involved. We did confirm to each other that we are happy with the way things are moving forward and we have come along way.
She really didn't want the party so the friend cancelled and I went back to my original plan and booked a nice weekend getaway just the two of for the end of July. Exactly what she wanted.
We get along great alone and with the kids but now we need to reconnect on an intimate level. That I guess is my next hurdle.
There is a difference between knowing the path & walking the path. – Morpheus
Betterman, Let her be ambivalent about your R. Let her have her doubts. Even if you make changes, she will have doubts about their permanence. Listen to what she's trying to tell you, even if it doesn't make sense. I had to listen to my W the other day tell how she felt disrespected, because I gave a piece of cheese to the dog.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Thanks for checking in CL. Really? A piece of cheese to the dog.
Believe me when I say that I have listened and validated to everything that she had to say regarding what I did wrong in our M. I have owned them and have not reverted back to any of them at any point during this ride.
My response has always been "W, I understand now how my actions made you feel. In was never my intention to hurt you that way. I'm sorry"
There is a difference between knowing the path & walking the path. – Morpheus
Journaling: You are right J3B when you said piecing isn't easy. One minute the WAS is there in the moment and the next they're cold and distant.
Started off the weekend with the kids Friday night (W works the middle shift as an RN) at karate then pizza. They're my pride and joy and every second I spend with them I cherish (even though they can be a handful at times).
Saturday took the kids to a birthday party while the W spent the day at the spa for her 40th birthday (a gift from the kids). Saturday night took W and another couple out to dinner at a nice Italian place.
Father's Day started off great. Got breakfast in bed then W and I spent the day working in the yard while the kids swam in the pool. Was scheduled to head over to SIL for cake so W went in to shower and from that point on she didn't really say much and she had this blank stare going on. Didn't press for a reason why just carried on in a happy way enjoying the kids on Father's Day.
This morning same behavior. Today is her actual bday so I had some nice flowers delivered for her. I get a simple text thanking me for them. She called me 5 times today about absolutely nothing and when I do something nice for her birthday I get a simple text. I know no expectations but c'mon.
Should I pull back a little and not be pursuing so much? This is a milestone birthday and I wanted it to be special for her.
Two things that I am having a problem with. She is addicted to her cell phone. She must have checked that thing 50 times while we were working in the yard, then all the way to her sisters and the rest of the night. I finished my workout this morning, come upstairs and guess what she was on that phone. It's really starting to aggrevate me. How do I bring it up without her seeing it as controlling?
The second thing is my family. In the beginning of this sitch they were always there for me and i've told them how much it has meant to me. I really couldn't get through the first couple of months without them being there. When W and I had decided to work on things they kept bashing her while keeping my best interest at heart. It's gotten to the point where I have had to cut off contact with them. I told them I need this time to try and repair what was done and to please respect my space while I do. But they keep badering me. Has anyone else experienced this with their family?
There is a difference between knowing the path & walking the path. – Morpheus
She called me 5 times today about absolutely nothing and when I do something nice for her birthday I get a simple text. I know no expectations but c'mon.
c'mon. Think. What is the difference? Not saying mind read here, but situational awareness.
More later.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
It's really starting to aggrevate me. How do I bring it up without her seeing it as controlling?
Well it is controlling, on both ends. Compromise?
Is it fair to say it upsets you because...of who she might be talking to, or that she isn't spedning the type of time you want her to spend when she is on it?
Without yelling let her know, that it bothers you but that you are trying to work on it.
She isn't hiding it from you, and...that is a GOOD thing.
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It's gotten to the point where I have had to cut off contact with them. I told them I need this time to try and repair what was done and to please respect my space while I do. But they keep badering me. Has anyone else experienced this with their family?
Yup similar. I told them that I appreciated their concerns after I listened to them, but that this is what I was doing, if they couldn't support me in that then I wouldn't talk to them about my marriage. And if they kept trying to then I wouldn't be around to listen in the future.
The point was I did listen to them, but then I told them what I needed from them. Support. They were happy to give it to me, they wanted to feel useful.
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Should I pull back a little and not be pursuing so much? This is a milestone birthday and I wanted it to be special for her.
my answer to the situational awareness issue from above:
It IS a milestone...and not one she seems to be interested in. If she doesn't want to make a big deal of it, she isn't going to be happy if anyone else does. Is that mid reading? No, just what you wrote. She doesn't seem interested in it, and some people aren't all that happy turning 40. It is a big deal but in a bad way.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
It's really starting to aggrevate me. How do I bring it up without her seeing it as controlling?
Well it is controlling, on both ends. Compromise?
Is it fair to say it upsets you because...of who she might be talking to, or that she isn't spedning the type of time you want her to spend when she is on it?
Without yelling let her know, that it bothers you but that you are trying to work on it.
She isn't hiding it from you, and...that is a GOOD thing.
No she isn't hiding it from me which is what she has done in the past during the A. She leaves it around and I'm free to check it at any time but I don't. I've established the transparancy boundry when we first started working on the M and she has respected that. We did talk last night about other things and I'll get to that but I did bring up the phone issue in a calm manner and explained that she is on it an awful lot especially when we are alone together and as a family. I said it bothered me but I'm am trying to work through it. When she woke up this morning she would have immidiately went to it but left it charging in the bedroom until I left.
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It's gotten to the point where I have had to cut off contact with them. I told them I need this time to try and repair what was done and to please respect my space while I do. But they keep badering me. Has anyone else experienced this with their family?
Yup similar. I told them that I appreciated their concerns after I listened to them, but that this is what I was doing, if they couldn't support me in that then I wouldn't talk to them about my marriage. And if they kept trying to then I wouldn't be around to listen in the future.
The point was I did listen to them, but then I told them what I needed from them. Support. They were happy to give it to me, they wanted to feel useful.
J3B that's good advice and something I have heard before from my IC. I will let them know that this is the direction that I am going and to respect that and embrace what I'm trying to do. And to be there for me if I need them.
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Should I pull back a little and not be pursuing so much? This is a milestone birthday and I wanted it to be special for her.
my answer to the situational awareness issue from above:
It IS a milestone...and not one she seems to be interested in. If she doesn't want to make a big deal of it, she isn't going to be happy if anyone else does. Is that mid reading? No, just what you wrote. She doesn't seem interested in it, and some people aren't all that happy turning 40. It is a big deal but in a bad way.
Can you elborate on the situational a little?
She was interested. She mentioned a few weeks ago that any other birthday is just another day but this one is a milestone and should be special. That's why I did go a little overboard trying to make her feel special not only from me but the kids as well. I can't mind read her and can only react to what I hear. If she did feel differently she should have said something.
Update: After spending last night at her friends for a BBQ and birthday cake we got home, got the kids to bed and straighted up a little. We retired to our bed and started to watch a little tv. She told me that I was her best friend and love the relationship we have now and she never wants that to change. At this point I shut off the tv and turned on the light to give her my undivided attention (a 180 for me). She also said that she loves how the kids are so happy, the neighborhood we now live in and our home. A couple of years ago my mom passed away and we moved into her house after she died. We kept most of her furniture because at the time I couldn't bear to get rid of it. Slowly we have been replacing it piece by piece and she appreciates it and I'm now ok with it. She loves how we're working together in the yard to make it nice for us to enjoy (all 180's for me).
But
W: I love all the changes you have been making for me and the kids, you're truly becoming the man I knew you could be.
M: I appreciate that you acknowledge my changes but they are mostly for me. It wouldn't be fair to anyone involved if I tried to change for anyone other than myself. The results of those changes has been a better relationship with you and the kids.
W: I'm really trying to find the love I had for you in the first coupls of years we were married and I don't know if I ever will.
M: It took years to destroy the relationship we had and we've been only working at this for six months. I didn't expect it to go back to the way it was in the beginning so soon.
W: Are you ok with the way things are going for now?
M: That old M is dead and buried. Together we're trying to build a better one and it's going to take some time. So yes I am ok.
That was the jist of the conversation. There were a couple of other small things that wern't important. This morning she got up earlier than usual to start the day and when I got downstairs she had her ring on and gave me a kiss on the lips.
My IC told me that I need to get her out of her comfort zone. More touching, kissing and eventually ML and she believes once we get to that point that we will be in a much better place to move forward and I agree.
For now I will keep doing what I am doing. I am confident in who I am, I have a great relationship with my children and I am happy.
Thank you all for your input. Reading these threads and the advice given has been a life saver for me and I hope I can repay it in the future.
There is a difference between knowing the path & walking the path. – Morpheus
Update and looking for some advice: Things were going smoothly since my last time here. We took a family vacation camping over the 4th of July weekend which was great.
Recently though things have seemed a little cold. I've been in a funk and moping the last week or so because Friday is the anniversary of my mother's death. It hasn't helped that the kids keep bringing her up. My W has picked up on this moping and says this is how I've been in the past and she can't live with that. I told her that this a especially hard time of year for me and that I'll snap out of it soon. She also saw this as an opportunity to tell me that she's been trying real hard to get her feelings back for me that a wife should have for her husband but doesn't think she can. She says she's very happy with my changes, our home and especailly our kids. I listened and validated as usual. We have been to a MC before but have slacked off recently because every Saturday there seems to be something going on with the kids. My W has agreed to get back into it every other Saturday on weekends that she doesn't work.
I just spoke with our MC and she told me that my W is stuck in that cold mode towards me because I haven't really done anything to try and change those feeling for her. The truth is I have been kind of waiting on my W to take those first steps because I didn't want to pressure her.
She told me that I need to start making more advances towards my W to try and stir up those feelings again and not to be discouraged by rejection. She told me that we need to get to that in order to see if we can save our relationship as a married couple. I know this is seen as pursing but this MC has been spot on so far. Any thoughts on this?
There is a difference between knowing the path & walking the path. – Morpheus
