Legit DBing? or is this just calm before storm?

[25yearsmlc]

mommaduck

DO NOT SEND HIM ANYTHING...the first is WAY too long and angry and he won't read it. If he did, he'd argue with it b/c it attacks him. The second one does too, but it's just shorter. What's the point of this anyhow?

just get the heck out of there and show him with your actions that you have boundaries. Otherwise the letter is more nagging without follow up...more of the same old...

I read the whole thread.

Made me recall a workshop I attended when I was about your age. There were many of us with similar stories.

We grieved it all...we processed it all... and then the main T, said,

"Those terrible things happened and they hurt you. And that, is that"...

His point was, there's little value in the rehashing, and a lot of potential "stuckNess"... but really, what else can we say about it all.... NOW?

In fact, it continues to pain us by holding onto it.

But we are free now.

We can let it go and then it does NOT pain us further.

We CAN contain the damage...but ONLY by letting go of it.

I once wrote something like that. I find that reading it again, is not helpful.
If I may suggest something, print out that thread and then burn it.


It helped me a lot.

It's part of letting go of the past. LET IT GO. ALL OF IT...and don't go back there.


It's history and it's mostly a series of things that victimized you or mistakes you made repeatedly. Sure, there were hideous deficits in your childhood that played a big role


but it's still just a sad history.


DBing is about what to do NOW that works for your life

and NOT doing what does not work. It's called solution based therapy rather than

the analysis of our past.

You have Ts and Cs for analysis.

I've done all of that and found that solution based is what I'm going to focus on the rest of my life. It's about being in the present & planning for good future.


I'm the child of an alcoholic, I get how it affected choices in my 20s and it won't again. It has not influenced any present day choices, other than my reminding my kids that they have the genes and to be aware of that.

I saw too many adult children of alcoholics going to meetings for years, telling the same stories and staying stuck, blaming their childhoods for why they were so screwed up today. They wallowed in it. They missed the word "Adult" in the title.

At some point we can't keep blaming others for choices we make now.
A 30 woman with a child, is there.

SO I'm not going to keep staring at yesterday when I could be creating a good today and tomorrow.


I am not minimizing your childhood pain, it was rough!!

But you are making choices today that are not healthy for you or your d.

Focussing on healthy foods at your parents house...compared to the other issues in your life, almost made me laugh. Sorry...I mean I get it, but on the whole...???

But seriously, get a good job, get out of the house as soon as possible.

BTW, Your h OWES THE MONEY so why not get it from him now and get out?

A roof over your head isn't something you have to pay for while legally m...geez

Yes he has to pay child support. It's not a debt he owes YOU. He owes it to d!...

Only a co-dependent person who has no idea where she ends and others begin, would think that her ex h choosing NOT to pay child support for one child, when he's able bodied, with a history of under employment or no employment


and CHOOSES not to pay, and then ends up in jail, would ever think it was HER fault....
that is ridiculous.
it's almost self centered...I mean, why is this about YOU at all?

He owes money for his child. This is not a radical concept.


From where I sit, my guess is he'd get off his butt and get a job and pay the miniscule amount required.

Your d would be helped, NOT hurt. You want to deny her the funding he's legally required to pay,

b/c you're afraid you might somehow not look good in his eyes? Her eyes? What? She won't ever think it's your fault...for goodness sake...

Even if she somehow did, so what?

Better to have money for food and a roof over her head, and a slightly upset d, than what's happening now. Or being in a shelter...


I met a woman who said she "never took a cent from ex h" and "raised her four kids all by..." herself. Yeah, they lived in squalor for her pride...

great.


Your fears are not based on reality and are misdirected.

Fight for your d and get what she deserves if you can't choose to value yourself enough.

Tough if your h can't handle it. Frankly, I'm betting he will "handle it" and you'd probably be doing him a favor.

If you are too weak to take responsibility for this (sorry but it's the same as you making the insurance company say "no" to him taking your car, instead of you saying "no, I don't trust you with it for OBVIOUS reasons")

then blame the law...whatever.

Do NOT take responsibility for HIS choices. It's soooo NOT your problem.
Have some boundaries.

I recall having a similar issue (not as bad but still) and as a L, I chose to see my life as "my jurisdiction" like my "state"....I controlled MY state...no one else's and no one else controlled mine...

just as Georgia is not responsible for what Texas does,

You are not responsible for what your h does.

Get out, get a life and take care of yourself and your d. You teach her FAR more with your actions/environment than what you say about things.


Start fresh and stop looking back as it is NOT helping you or your d.


You can do this and YOU MUST. No one is going to rescue you so I suggest any dating...I didn't count one healthy R in your history. Not one...

You're not ready to date... OR work on THIS "m"...

Just BE...and care for your d and find good child care

I hope it's obvious that contacting OW's is not to be done again. It's unhealthy, unproductive, and no more words are needed I hope.

if your job prospects are not good where you are, go where they are better.

Finish school at some point, maybe a job that pays for it. But it'll be good for you & D in the long run.

Your h isn't going to get his life together with all the dysfunction in that apartment...it's one of the stranger stories here.

You are NOT helping him but that's not your job anyhow.

No more I would've done 'x', but then 'y' happened, or someone ELSE did 'a' to me, and so I couldn't....


Imagine your life were a novel.

You have to be the author of your life.

Make the next chapters go the way you want them to. Stop letting others write any parts.

Do you get this?

When you begin letting go of the victimhood of the past, you will feel free.

BE HERE NOW.

[MommaDucki]

Thank you 25!

Was stuff I needed to hear.

Not having work has been taking the biggest toll on me lately. Have been having trouble finding work because what I'm qualified to do often requires background checks, and it's showing up that I have a current active lawsuit linked to my name where I'm suing a previous job. Was told by one place last week that it made them hesitent to hire me.

On a positive note, had another interview today and I got the job! So, no more taking on these piddly houekeeping jobs I've been doing since I got here. Back into restaurant management I go! I start wednesday!


Meeting with my lawyer went well this morning, so she said. Said that since former boss isn't really responding like she'd want, it seems he won't settle, and se's pushing hard for me to get what I deserve.

Have plans tonight with D3 and a couple of my friends....Girls night! lol!

had my bike tire blow out on morning bike ride today, and got that fixed before the heat of the day really kicked in.

going to try to get back into mindset of not letting others actions control mine. I realized in IC that my family is my family. I can't change that fact, and they're going to be who they are. I can accept it, or not. I chose to accept it and not let them control how my life goes.

I miss them, but I moved here for D3 to have R with H as well as to get back into school. I know what I want to achieve, and I couldn't do that where my parents lived. I would have had to move regardless. Want back into music and teaching...can't do that online...need an actual campus. Have another appointment tomrrow with admissions counselor here to see whether my financial aid was approved or not for fall classes.

Have just under $800 saved up since I got here, and I don't touch it...it's for the move. Another 100 and I'd have enough for just apt and security deposits...just a couple hundred after that is still needed for utility deposts. It's too hot here in TX to move into a place with no a/c...

Getting there, I just can't seem to get there fast enough. Still looking good for a couple of different apt complexes I had lined up to consider before I got here...they still have units available. Bodes even better that I got a job now as well.

Have a few daycares I'll be looking at this week. Will still need H's help some nights watching daughter as I'll be working one or two split shifts a week.

And I DON'T CARE IF HE DOESN'T LIKE IT!

Now's MY time...taking it back. He cannot denote when he'll watch her since he as no job. Heck! his mom is the one paying all his bills right now.

Wanted to add a note to you 25....there have been a couple of Rs I've had that I didn't talk about. 3 in fact that were actually healthy. I felt they were easy...that a R shouldn't be that easy and comfortable.

Was actually connected with them, had tons in common, and I always pushed them away.

I know I'm capable of it.

And as far as not dating...not even a thought of that in my mind. Hasn't been in over two years. Working on detaching, but until I'm convinced I am, I'm not in a place to date...I know this.

Just pushing on, and trying to keep a positive front going here....

[25yearsmlc]

sounds as if you are building something that will stand.

Good for you. Hope you get into teaching/music.

Keep at it and keep at it and keep at it...

your h? He is truly irrelevant now...

it's all about you and D now and for the forseeable future...

cross other bridges IF there are any, if and when you get to them


no more borrowing trouble from the future or dragging around yesterday's...

just BE HERE NOW....

[25yearsmlc]

MommaD

In the car today my d13 told me about her best friend (15 y/o) and the boyfriend who wasn't good to her and how they broke up. The best friend (bf) is very hurt.

D13 said, "I don't get it. BF liked her boyfriend & was nice to him, but he wasn't nice to her and he cheated on her and then he wasn't even very sorry. He did it again! Why does she feel so bad? I mean, How can you love someone who isn't even good to you?"


and THAT is wisdom from my d13. (FWIW, I don't believe you can honestly "Love" someone who isn't good to you. It's a co-dependent thing or something toxic.

It's not healthy and it's not love....sorry MommaD, but that's something I feel strongly about.

There's just no way you can tolerate this type of behavior, for so long, and tell me you "just love my h"...in the face of this crap).

IT's true MommaD. And let's hope your d knows this when she's a teenager, b/c you will have taught her.


I have loved a few good men. On occasion, I've been mistreated.

I have forgiven, or broken up if I thought it would happen again.

[b] BUT I KNOW if I thought it was a pattern or for me, OR if it happened again ---
[/b]I'd be gone.


Yes, while DBing is for me, a lifestyle.

If another crisis came up due to my H having some other crazy thing....
even after 30 years,

I'd be done and I'd never look back.


Your h has been off kilter for some time, in several ways.

There's no "MLC" to this.

It's a pattern. Forgive me Mommaduck, but what I see is your loss of...what???

You've been apart for some time and he's surely no better to you.
He could have visitation with D if he is so inclined. Moving in with him and hearing his...stuff...is not the way to foster a R between them.

If I ask you to tell me why you love him, you will defend that. So I won't.

I'm asking, what makes you think things will change/ improve?



So if HIS behavior is a pattern...


The question remains, is your behavior going to be a pattern? OR

Will you break the cycle?


Will you restructure your life and R's so that you are NOT on the defense?


And instead, become, truly,

the


author of your life?


Next post, let's hear about what you are doing for YOU....

[MommaDucki]

What I am doing for me....

Hmmm...

hope I can stay on track with this one...

Today, I went with a girlfriend of mine to a soc appt to see if she's pregnant or not (she wants to be). She's been my biggest support since I moved here, so I wanted to be supportive of her, as her H had to work and couldn't go with her.

Turns out, she's not, and was a bit bummed...felt good to have someone else leaning on me for support in this way for a change.

Had my appointment with my university advisor. Turns out, my aid didn't come through for fall semester. Went to admissions and got course list anyway...Going to take just one class (due to cost, but one is better than none). So, now it's narrowing down which one. I took my placement tests last week...not that I needed to take many...most of my old college credits transferred ok, so I know I'm just under 3/4 the classes I need towards my degree.

Went and worked a side job all day. H said he wanted to watch D, so I let him.

Just as I was about to leave, he said, "just so you know, I think it's stupid that you're doing this job today instead of waiting for something better."

My response? "thanks for sharing your opinion" and I left for the job...lol

He texted me halfway through the 8 hour job saying, "Your daughter has a severe attitude problem. This wasn't a good idea" I waited about 30 mins and replied, "She's your daughter too. Work it out!" Never heard anything more.

When I got home, she was happy to see me as usual. Was upset when I found out she hadn't eaten dinner yet because she'd just woken up from a nap, but I simply said, "D, I'm hungry too, let's get something to eat."

Ate with her, then we went for a walk. Gave her a bath, put her to bed, called my mom to catch up on things with her, took a shower, and hopped on here.

I know I'm starting new job tomorrow afternoon, so I wasn't going to let anything bother me today.

Tomorrow morning, D and I have a playdate with two of her friends. Excited because we've not seen them in two weeks...family had gone on vacation, so I'm eager to hear how it was for them.

Hoping things go well with new job, and am confident they will...all work I've done before, just a new company.

Will take a better look at course book tomorrow as well.

Got hit on and was given a phone number randomly today at the gas station. It happens quite often to me. I did what I usually do...thanked him for the compliment, took the number, and went about my business....later, i tossed the number out. Didn't exchange names or anything, so no sweat off my back. Still makes me feel good about myself though.

I think I look pretty dang good for my age...just nice to hear it from others, ya know? lol

Was a good day, and hopefully tomorrow is as well.

Hope all of you are well out there also!

ty again for words of wisdom 25

[MommaDucki]

25, also meant to answer your question as to what makes me think things will change? LOL!

Been doing a lot of soul searching, and I've realized that not only do I enable him, but the majority of the people he keeps in his life enable him as well...

So, keeping on this path, nothing will change...

What makes me think things will change is that I have a new job I'm about to start, am very close to getting D and I out of here, and am 26 days away from having "residency" in this county, so I plan to file D and try to get arrears for child support. The lawyer I talked to on the phone while on break this afternoon thinks I have a shot at arrears.

H wants D, fine...I'll go along with it, but ON MY TERMS, not his. You are very right 25 that I need to show him my boundaries.

So, it's been 2 1/2 years roughly...too long, because he's still the same...he's the same as he was before we got M...was blind, and stupid...and I loved the indea of being in love...didn't realize i wasn't actually in love.

When I first met him 10 years ago, he was the same as he is now...I wouldn't commit to him then because of how he lived life...so I'm not sure why I changed my mind and got M when he was still the same.

H told me once he thought that God brought us together to create D...nothing more...

bold statement, but if so, he doesn't measure up to being any sort of worthy parent...

Yes, I'll allow for visitation...possibly supervised at first...and no overnight stays, because I don't trust that.

I have ideas forming in my head of what I want out of this...

Time to stop being blind and stubborn towards him.

It's like I stepped on hot coals 5 years ago and said, "ouch! that's hot!!!" and I keep doing it over and over.

Found the burn care cream and now it's time to start healing!


So, things will change because I'll heal, move on, and take with me the lesson of all this.

Things will change for him when life finally catches up to him after D.

Things will improve for D3 and myself because I'll be gaining confidence in myself and moving on in a positive fashion.

Things will improve because D3 will see that her mom is strong and isn't being walked all over by a man. That her mom did what she had to do to make a happier life for both of us.

and things will improve because I've stopped caring what happens to H once and for all.

So, I hopefully summed that up ok.

thoughts?

[25yearsmlc]

my thoughts are that you

should re-read this post out loud to yourself every day


it's a good one.


Live by it. Seriously.


Be real about what was...Half your m was spent apart, 3 bombs in 5 years...


don't forget, but don't wallow in the pain of the past.

And maybe your d IS the reason you two got together. See it as a hard earned gift.


NOW....

Your future looks bright (yeah, I need shades)


but don't give up on the Aid thing so fast. I got loans up til the day school began (late summer for fall)


If you're a legal resident you'll qualify for some aid, maybe your home country can too?


Good luck, keep on keeping on!