Raise your standards, choose to be with happy and supportive people. Don't let anyone belittle your dreams, they are real, fear is not.
My mantra for today, tomorrow, and as long as I can keep it up.
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
Add to it, while I was down on a rescue mission, my mom was using my car, and somehow, something under the hood caught fire and whole car went caput!
So, I get back with hardly any of my possesions, and now no car, and it's middle of winter, snow everywhere, and wham! I kinda flew a little off my rocker.
I bought a new car for myself early feb, and was looking forward to mid feb when I was taking my paid vacation with work. Was going back down to see H so he and D3 could be together for her 2nd birthday.
$ days before I was supposed to leave, new schedule was posted at work, and I was on it. What?!?! Turned into a big dispute over supposedly not having correct apporval for time requested off...was my boss' fault because he never submitted the aproval form.
I was mad, and on top of it had been working with a new lady since previous nov, and we weren't getting along so well. We had same job title. She had worked for the company for 30+ years, but we still had same job title, and according to employee hadbook and labor union contract, senoirty was based on length of time at current store (this is in meat dept at a grocery store btw).
I'd been at that store for 13 months, and her 3. Was tired of her trying to be overbearing and act like my boss...was in disputes with labor union because she kept calling in to complain about me. was several investigations, and she kept geting told I was in the right. lol
So, anyow, I'm upset my vacation's not approved, as I'd counted on it for months. Union was going to stand up in my defense. When I'd gotten back from my break, other lady was upset again for some meat not being priced the wrong way and started throwing it at me. Was all caught on camera. I didn't feel I could stand there and take it anymore and I walked out of the job.
Was all stupid on my part....I have never and won't ever claim to be perfect. I was rash, and heated. I tried to get job back, but couldnt. Took vacation anyway, and enjoyed it for what it was worth.
When I got back, i took on a position as a homeorganizer for a family. Was intense, and long...3 1/2 months in fact...won't get into all details, but did a ton of building, moving furniture, organzing and sorting of all their possessions, painted, and basically got a majority of their stuff set up for an estate sale that took place at the end of my contract.
During all that time, i didn't care what H was up to. He lost his job in may '10. Had a short lived PA with OW2 that i know nothing of (thank goodness!). All I know is H told me he was using her to help pay rent and she left him because she felt taken advantage of.
Basically from Feb after vacation till Oct '10, mine and H's interactions were very limited and dark. We stayed in touch about D3 as much as needed. Was around July that he brought up missing me, wanting to have a R again, and figured he'd ask me about working on M first seeing as I was the one who was already M to. I felt his words were crap...lol.
Told him I appreciated the interest, but didn't feel it was the right time and that he didn't sound genuinely sincere about it. That if he truly wanted to work on M, that he could make an honest start of it by just contacting me more. He tried, but I didn't really give him the time of day.
I had too much stuff going on all around me to really want to think about M or H since may '10. I was still on home job, and my sister that was also S finally admitted to my parents and herself that she just couldn't cut it as a single mom with 3 kids. She was in over her head, and had taken advantage of my other 3 sisters who lived near her to the point of them not helping her with childcare any longer.
So, Was my parents, D3 and I, my brother, my sister, and her 3 kids now all living back at my parents house. My baby sister (though she was 22) was still technically there as well, but was about to graduate collge and get married as well.
Seems like a lot, but was still only 9 people..same as what we'd had growing up with 7 kids and all. Was a strain though because my brother was still hanging out with a bad crowd, my sister and I were both working odd opposite hours and my dad works shift work. Kids were out of school, and my mom was doing her best to help watch all 4 kids and help plan a wedding.
Wedding came and went with no hitches, was a great day, and after the wedding, it was help my newly married sster move her stuff out of the house. That done, and it's now july, my contracted job was over, my sister had landed a really good job with a major fast food restaurant as high end management, and I took on a position at a small scale restaurant in the local mall's food court.
Well, two weeks after store opened, they chose their assistant manager out of initial crew, and it just happened to be me!
So, I took on Assistant manager, got decent salary increase, and things seemed to be going well. With all that going on, was why I didn't really give H the time of day.
Felt great, felt positive, though I was sstill really unhappy.
more to come...
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
So, wanted to add that D3 and I had taken a trip to see H for father's day in june at my dad's request. I was earning enough to get by at that time, but didn't have funds for a trip, and my parents gave me money and told me to go.
Didn't really mind the getting away...home life was a bit crazy with my sister and her kids there, the wedding, etc. I did come back refreshed enough to finish my contract job successfully and went on to an even better job.
But I still wasn't really happy. Was July, and just not warm to me. Was trying to keep busy with friends and work, but was still arguing with my parents a lot. Dad felt I shouldn't go anywhere besides work...My mom felt I needed chances to go out and just be social, so they bickered with each other about it. They were very against me paying a sitter to be at their house while they were home to listen for D3 when she was asleep. Didn't really want me taking D3 to a sitter's house bcause I'd have to pick her up on my way home and disrupt her sleep schedule.
I had specific things I valued taht I wanted being instilled in D3 and my parents felt that I was wrong for wanting certain things. I had to learn that I can't conmpletely control what happens with D3 when I'm working, etc. I can state my opinions, wishes, desires, but I cannot force someone to be me when I'm not there.
I felt at times that they were too lax in caution around her. I didn't feel she was in utter danger, but didn't feel she was 100% safe when I wasn't there. When sister moved in, both my nephews N8 and N6 (their current ages to date) who are both very crafty boys were just leaving scissors etc lying around. My sister took a very very lax attitude about life and her kids when she S from her H.
They are my nephews and my neice (N4), and I love them, but I feel my sister is doing wrong by them, and didn't really like how much time D3 was having to spend with them. She started changing, and i didn't feel it was for the better.
My sister lets her kids do just about whatever. she feels it gives them learning room. They have no regard for possessions. When they moved in, within a week, I had thrown out quite a few of D3's toys becauuse they'd been broken beyond repair.
Led into my issues again with being possessive of my things. D3 and I shared a bedroom in the basement of the house. My brother had 2nd bedroom down there, but was rarely home. Sister and N4 had one bedroom upstairs, N8 N6 had another, and my parent had the third upstairs. Bathroom on each floor, and a finished familyroom in basement as well. Till sister moved in, basement was basically mine. , so her toys and stuff were out in the familyroom. When sis moved in, all 4 kids would play downstairs. After toys started getting broken, I put all my things away.
Led to fights about how i didn't want to share. Yes, i didn't want to...not if people had no curtesy to respect what i worked hard to buy.
N8 would respond, "well, who cares if we break it, just buy another one...that's what my mom does. she doesn't care what we break." Furniture was being abused, my parents had to replace a chair in livingroom upstairs, dad had to reglue two diningroom chairs because they got broken, some holes were punched or kicked in walls of boys bedroom.
Stress all over the place.
July '10 sister finds out stbx has gotten his new girlfirend pregnant, as well as served her D papers. She had moved out of county and was 3 days from being able to file in new county and he filed....so court date set in a county 3 hours from where she lives, her lawwyer she'd been talking to says it's going to be costly, she drops lawyer, decides to reprsent herself, pisses my parents off in doing so...
again, stress everywhere...
As far as H goes, Aug '10 rolled around and a couple that are mutual friends of both H and I were about to relocate back to city where H lived. H decided to let them move in to his apt temporarily. Well, not really a couple. H and I didn't know the girl, but H figured since she was with our friend, maybe he'd mesh well enough with her.
end of Aug, H took on new job that would be requiring a lot of travel. He was out on west coast for two months, then east coast for two months. will touch on that more when needed.
Sept, my brother decided to move out, so now he's gone...little less stress caused by him, but stress increases at home. Sister's job training is now over, and she's bumped up to 70 hours a week at work....my mom's frazzled, I start getting all 4 kids dropped on me at every chance, so since I was doing scheduling at my job, I started upping my own hours.
Kept stressing that when I wasn't working, I just wanted to be my own family with D3. Wanted to spend one on one time with just her. my stbxBIL wasn't really taking his kids for stays, and like my H, wasn't paying child support. He and H have similarities for sure...
My sister and I had very similar requirements for our jobs, but mine was on a much smaller scale for sure. We did always manage to have different days off, and I always sucked it up and watched her kids on my day off. The only exception to that was my day off was also the day of the week I went to IC, so when I went to my appointments, my mom had the kids.
My IC turned into talking about my M problems to coping with the sttresses of living at my parents' house.
My T was helping, somewhat, and between that, and my journaling, I was trying to stay sane...lol
again, sorry long post...will end here for now...
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
So, it's funny...brief interactions I had with H between june '10 and aug '10. re-read some crap he'd texted to me just a bit ago, and can't believe I;m such a sucker for his crap sometimes...
H's texts to me : he'd been talking about new job he had gotten and about his pay scale Would solve most of my problems.
With that rate I could catch back up a lot more quickly, pay Samantha (some random person I know nothing about) back, and then start working on saving/sending you money/etc
and this is also why divorce hasn't been a huge priority. You have no idea how much I appreciate how understanding you've been. Anyway...Yea.
Appreciated.
More than you realize.
my response back to him:
yw? sorry...not really sure how to react to that
and him back to me:
If we were divorced right now, I
I'd be in jail
Being smacked around as the deadbeat I am.
he also stated what he thought my response to him should have been:
lol
"You suck, you're a deadbeat, and I can't wait to divorce you so I can take your ass to the cleaners for everything you owe me"
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
Was all ready to go to bed wen H got on phone with OW again...
so between the a/c and typing, background noise is drowned out, so here I am again...
Picking up where I think I left off?...
It's Sept '10, N8 and N6 are in school again (first year for N6), work was going well, sister is in D proceedings finally, brother is all moved out, IC still going well, but I was still unhappy...
I missed the city H and I had lived in...I missed the atmosphere, missed the people, the culture, the general attitude. Wanted D3 growing up there, but felt I had to ride this thing out for a bit longer...
Oct moved in, and H had finished up his west coast stuff and passed through for a two day visit with D3. I didn't make any special arrangements to get out of work to see him. He went and got D3 from my parents house, hung out with her. When I was off work, went and watched a ball game at a bar with H and his team driver (who's also H's best friend).
Late Oct, I'd gotten severely burned at work and was sent to ER. Also, found out from store owner that he'd hired on a new permanent GM (general manager) who would be taking oover effective nov 1.
Nov rolled in, and mid nov, h was again passing through and stopped in for a visit.
Over half my staff dd not get along wth new GM and most of them quit or were fired by new GM. I was put in charge of hiring new staff members. End of Nov rolled in, first paycheck for new staff...no paychecks for them, even though I;d submitted them to payroll....
First real run in that I had with new GM.
Worked it out so those who didn't get paid would have their pay carry over to new pay period.
Also, got bill from ER trip previous month...turns out owner never registered us with workmen;s comp and I ended up being billed instead...begin my battle with that.
First payday of dec rolls in, still no pay for new employees...heated argument with GM, and he ends convo by saying, " You just want everything to go your way, and I just don't pay new employees for their first two weeks of work. You want it your way, I want it mine, so I feel we just need to go our separate ways." End job...
so, christmas comes and goes...thankfully, with the decent salary I was making, I'd had more than enough put into savings that I was more than fine for all my bills for awhile.
All this time up till mid dec...since june...H's still been pestering me about us working on M....I was still hopeful to work on M and have us successfully back together, but knew H was still nowhere near the place I felt comfortable with, so I still resisted.
End of dec comes around, and I;m actually contacted with a job offer back in H's city. talk to H about it, and all of a sudden, he's not so interested in me coming down.
Friend and his gf are still living at H's place...it's not going well...neither of them have jobs, they're both living there rent/board free at H's expense, and H's contracted job had ended early dec and he was again out of wrk...
Enter new year...
Sum up 2010? sucked kinda...lol
Sister had her D finalized mid nov....didn't really owrk to her favor the way she wanted....sister had her car repoed, parents felt they should buy her a new vehicle, and they did, then started carging us both higher rent for higher utility bills, etc...(i felt was fair to an extent). Had pretty much stopped seeing any of my friends becase my sister worked mostly nights and wasn't getting home till 2 or 3 in the morning...my mom was always wanting my help in getting the kids to bed every night due to her health probs...she was wiped out by dinner time most days.
So, it's jan, i get new job, really not what I want at all, but it;s a job...unsteady hours, not making enough to pay my bills, looking around for another job...
found out from h aout OW3 who was yet another OW he claimed he was taking advantage of...had her move in late dec (hmmm..same time he seemed to have a change of heart about the M).
Feb rolls around and I get my taxes done...usually H has filed his before me, and I've not thought twice about any of it, but this year, I filed before him...the way i was told I legally have to file...."Married filing separately" . Apparently H's been filing single for the past couple of years....
Since I'd filed first, he got pissed at me for causing him to get audited because of his filing status for '08, '09, and now '10...lol
H played victim again by stating bad things always happen taht are caused by other people, even though it's not really their faults.
Says he knows I was just doing what was legal and right, but he;s still mad, because now he;s audited and stuck paper filing and waiting even longer for his return (to which it turns out he wasn't going to get anything back for overpayment in previous years).
Blames me for not knowing how he;s going to come up with rent for march. OW3 had already left him as well...and friend and gf had moved out as well into their own place finally.
So, It's now March...sister got married, went very well, other sister's XH had his new baby and started shunning all visits with his kids. Stopped paying his child support, dropped his job, which dropped insurance on his kids...my sister didn't know, had taken N8 to doctor, and was now being sued for non-payment.
My past ER bill is now with a collections company and I;m still stuck in litigations with company trying to get it paid. It's all in court system as of today...long process...
Still unstable hours at my job, but now my car is paid off in full. get title and whatnot taken care of.
April rolls around, easter came and went...was good...and the day after easter, H and I sat down and talked about me moving down here.
Planned it for mid-may...I had $$ still sitting in savings that I would not touch...it was my moving money...so I had my own money for apt once here, and deposits for utlities and such...
total was $1200...
So, move was planned in 3 weeks time...told my family, started making my arrangements, had several phone interviews with potential jobs, had car checked out to be sure it would make it, felt I was really going to be ok...had informed my friends i was still in contact with back here of our upcoming move....so many were so excited...none of them had seen D3 since she was a baby.
Was driving here, and car hit a really, i mean REALLY deep pothole that bottomed out my car and pulled off the entire exhaust system. With the muffler and two catalytic converters ripped off, I was stuck...lol
Talked about it a few posts ago, but this happened on a sunday...was in the middle of nowhere about 450 miles from H's city, thankfully on an interstate, so I got off at biggest nearest exit I could and was stuck. Checked into hotel for night with D3, and felt my world collapse.
Thought i had everything planned just right...Had 3 interviews lined up, all of which I'd previously had phone interviews with for tuesday...had 4 apartment showings for today...this monday that I;m stuck in middle of nowhere, and now all my money is possibly getting spent...
total for car was only $950, but i still had to wait till tuesday before the part came in, and didn't get my car back till late tuesday afternoon....
Tried rescheduling interviews, and they didn't want to wait...all three had other people they were interested in, but wanted to give me my chance as well, and I was passed up for all 3!!!
With all my deposit money gone for apt, I didn't know where to go...called some of my friends, and really, just due to their own circumstances, no one was really able to offer me a place...
no one except H.
H had told me 3 days before I left that there was a girl he was talking to...OW4 and he were not having PA, just EA...
and now here I sit...working odd housekeeping jobs, and saving every penny of it...
H has no job...his mom has been paying his ills over past several months...and if you've been reading up till now, you kinda kow the rest....
Not wanting to listen to H on phone anymore, so I'm going to go sit on patio with a boook and read for awhile...
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
So, I couldn't take H's voice in the other room, and I moved outside to the patio and wrote him a letter...
Playing by the rule of 48 hours, I wanted to share it here, and put it away for a couple of days to see whether it's really what I want to say/give to him...
H,
Not really sure it you'll actually take the time to REALLY hear me out by reading this or not, but I'm still writing it anyhow.
I get it. You want a divorce. Still don't really understand what it is about me that you just don't like or get, but it doesn't matter.
I still feel I know you and read you better than you realize. Right now, I see and hear it in you - TUNNEL VISION! You're zeroed in on OW, so be it.
But, D3 and I moved down here so you and her can finally have the father/daugter relationship you both need and deserve.
I moved too soon. I should have saved even more money so I for sure could have gotten into our own place right away.
As a friend, I want to just give you an outsider's point of view. I don't care if it comes across as blunt or b*tchy, just being honest.
You don't seem happy. You have brief moments, but overall, don't come across as a happy person.
I know life's not going how you want it to. You know it, so no point restating the obvious.
I see patterns, I've heard patterns. I see you repeatedly trying to fill the void in your life with relationships.
If things go great with her, then so be it. I'll move on. Start really being honest with yourself though. If you progress to pysical with her and expose yourself and the R goes downhill, what then?
I can't predict the future, but I wanted to point it out as a concerned friend.
If I heard you right, you said she smokes out I'm not going to put her or anyone else down for it. I can tell you from experience what it's like to be in a serious relationship with a pot-smoker though.
Again, maybe I heard you wrong, so I won't continue.
I think it's great you're trying this brutal honesty thing. One more step in the right direction for you.
As a friend, my advice to you at this point in your life is to forget about pursuing her. Forget about anything to do with all women for awhile. No dating, no flirting, and no sex, and really take a look at the inner you.
Figure out which direction you want your career to go and take off with it. Get up and leave the house. Drop off resumes in person. Show them your face!
Again, you're told me you'd like us to be friends. This is a friend giving her friend advice, even if unsolicited.
Want to let you past my walls for a bit and I'll try to keep it short.
I fell hard for you several times over the pst 10 years. I've also done things that border on unforgiveable to you. I've moved on to an extent, though I'm still a bit heartbroken we didn't work out.
I fell in love with you at your worst. No job, living with your sister (or other), and didn't care. When we got married, yes, we learned more about each other than we'd known. We rushed into it.
Still not sure, but I feel I rushed because I was feeling smothered by my life of caring for Grandma. You offered me a way out. Maybe that's taking advantage of you, but I honestly did love you.
When roomie1 moved in, I played chicken and took to venting to him about you. THIS WAS WRONG!!! I'm so sorry. Should have been more upfront with you directly because you never really knew what was going on with me.
When we moved in with roomie2, the same pattern help up. Again, THIS WAS WRONG!
Because of that, I can't blame you for being frustrated or bored with me. I wasn't pleasant company.
Another factor I want to bring up is why you feel I changed after the wedding. Beforehand, I loved you and had you whenever I wanted due to you not working and my job allowing for it. Afterwards, you started working and left a void in my world that shouldn't have existed. You aren't responsible for my (or anyone else's) happiness. I AM. I shouldn't have let the chip on my shoulder rip us apart and I'm sorry.
Once we separated, my world took focus again. I still tried to remain on speaking terms. It's hard for me and I don't think I'll ever get you to understand why.
Because of D3, I'll always have to try, but I can't go down this road easily.
I had dreams for what my life would be, and I'm still trying to cope with the reality that those dreams have to change.
I was told once that it seems when I'm faced with hard challenges life throws at me, that I run away. I feel there's truth to that.
Moved here for previously stated reasons, but did it too soon to get away from my family. Jumped the gun and am feeling myself slipping and my world being flipped upside down.
Knew you were talking to a girl, but didn't think it was as serious as it seems. Thought I could handle it, but it's proving difficult.
Again, as a friend, I want to tell you something. I feel you skip steps in life. You're still legally married, yet are focusing on a new relationship. Close one book before opening the next. The next is worthy of your complete attention.
I've heard you. As soon as I can, I'll move D3 and I out of here and give you some breathing room again.
Once you're able, start D stuff. I've never really understood why you never have. No matter how much time passes, it's going to hurt me. I'll deal. I'm a big girl.
Not wanting to start a fight here, but...
Unless it's an emergency situation that involves D3, I don't want you driving my car anymore. I'm proud of myself for having worked so hard to buy it. I did hear what you said about it being hypocritical. If it is, so be it.
As a friend, I feel it's taking advantage of me to go out with it to who knows where for however long. It's a respect thing. You can feel I don't deserve that respect all you want, but this is me putting my foot down. I won't come to you for gas money, you don't come to me for rent money. I don't ever invite someone to your apt, you don't ever drive my car.
If you desperately needed a ride somewhere and I can do it, talk to me, and I'll consider it.
This has nohing to do with me trying to "leash you" as you put it. For 2 1/2 years we've stayed in touch, but have lived our own lives..
Keep living yours. Go where ever with whomever, i don't care to be honest. You can't disrespect me or take advantage of me by using my car though.
I'm only tring to be assertive with my beliefs and opinions. I'm done letting people take advantage of me. This is my wish, and I feel friends should respect each other's wishes. Good true friends do.
I'm leaving it up to you if you'd ever like to go out somewhere together. I enjoy going places with you because you're good company and fun to be with. I can always find something to do if I have the urge though.
I'm active on my divorce support group boards again. That's what I've been spending my time doing lately. Found it a couple of years ago.
All in all, I'll be ok H. Just do what you have to do and know I'm doing the same.
As far as D3 goes, I need you. I need for her to have her Daddy. You're a good dad. Now is really your time to shine as a parent as well.
I have every ounce of faith that she's taken care of when left in your care.
I know there's still adjusting going on from both ends.
I'm having to adjust as well. Never realized how beneficial it was to me having my parents so involved.
I'm sorry I've kept her away for so long and am sorry in advance for my possible actions in regards to her.
Have felt like a single parent and I suppose I should have. Our views on being separated have been different, but regardless, I was a single mom and though hate wording it this way, you were a borderline absentee parent. I egged you on to be that way. You've done your best, and I'm grateful for what little you have done. You made the greatest sacrifice lately by letting us move in here. I'll always be grateful.
Act the part of being the best parent you can be and it'll come naturally.
I'm really going to push myself to get this process moving this week. I ask for your help in being awake and taking care of her. It's already been much longer than I'd like being without steady work. It's going to be another rough adjustment for her again. Makes me feel I've let her down having lived this way for the past several weeks.
Thank you if you really took the time to read this. You can think what you want, but I wanted to say all these things and feel more confident writing it all out.
-me
Yeah....totally happy i wrote, but he's not getting to read the majority of this letter....
any thoughts from anyone out there?
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
tired, D3 is wide awake...have an appointment this morning with my lawyer for stupif work injury case....
letter i should have written h goes something like this:
H,
I get it. You're still screwed up living your life immaturely. Still won't function like a normal human being. I'm done. If you won't get the balls to file D, then I guess I will. You'll be hearing from my lawyer soon.
Best of luck to you, W
too harsh?
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
how do I really feel? lol...no one has seemed to want to hear that answer in awhile.
I feel that I was fine for awhile there...fine not knowing what he was really up to.
Fine thinking that as long as we lived far from one another, his day to day actions couldn't hurt me and I'd wait...just wait however long it took till he got his life together and then we could work on us.
If he's really that interested in this OW, I'm done. She has herpes. She's a drug user (if i heard right). She's jobless, carless, and can't show emotion.
I will not be a fall back girl for him any longer. Not if he's going to risk himself and possibly go on to expose who knows how many others later down the road.
What I tried so hard not to listen to last night was him telling her in detail exactly how he felt about her and why it was different "this time with her". I feel angry because years ago, I heard almost word for word what he said to her said TO ME!.
I feel hurt because I have been actually working so hard at finding who I was and meshing it with a new me and H won't even give me a chance.
I feel used because he seems to have wanted access to D3 (and none of the actual responsibility of her), and access to my car.
I feel confused because of above and mixture of H's actions towards me...like I'm some pity party....that he's talked about taking me out to a few places over next couple of weeks. Sometimes I hear the old him in there...the genuine one...mostly, I hear a pity party.
I'm not a pity party. I'm not a weak person who needs rescuing from him.
I'm just a woman who loves her H and wants my family together.
Haven't told H over the past year and a half what I've thought of his actions. He's asked, but I've not answered. Wasn't my place at the time to say anything.
His actions have been repetitive though. Same as they were before S...same pattern, same trend, and I sense that this OW will be the same.
I can't know, and I don't want to know....
I want out of this neverending cycle.
I want to keep my life moving the positive direcgtion I'd set out for by moving back down here..
But there's still that evil monster in the back of my head wishing he'd come around and still want me.
thanks for your words LP.
The car sitch is a big deal because i feel he's lying to me. He went out for supposedly a couple hours last week and was gone for 16 hours...claimed to have been with a certain friend at certain places, yet gas usage and mileage on the car don't match up to his story.
Tired of him taking a higher road where he's superior to , knows better, claims to not be lying, yet still acts all shady about stuff like this.
It hurts me he's chosing another woman yet again over me. I will not enable his messed up choice by letting him use MY car to go visit her while I'm stuck in his apt with our D3 not able to sleep, waking up asking where daddy is, and not even having an answer to tell her.
me 32 H 30 T 8 years M ~5 years DD 3 years first d-bomb dec 06 second bomb may 07 third bomb july 08 finally seperated jan 09 a move for "progress'" sake may 11
