I just wanted to share with you all something I just mailed to my ex wife. I wish I would have done this sooner but I think it will help both of us heal. I know it will help me forgive myself. Even though it probably won't help me any, I want to share it just in case it can help someone else.
Brian
Wife,
I wanted to send you a letter to express my deepest regrets over how I treated you over the years. I was never very engaging with you or the kids. I didn’t take an interest in your lives and therefore, didn’t get to know you as well as I should/wanted. This was very selfish of me and I am sorry. I should have put everything else in my life behind the lives of my loved ones. I should have been an equal parent. I am sorry that I never helped you around the house or in the yard. I never helped you with the finances. You carried a heavy load alone. I never lifted a finger to try to help you unless I was forced. That was very lazy and disrespectful of me. I am so sorry. I should have picked up the burden because of my love for you, and because it is the right thing to do. I chose so many things over spending time with you. I should never have played those games or watched TV over talking with you about your day/life or just sit next to you just to be near you. That was extremely selfish of me. I am sorry. Please forgive me for all the names I called you, whether it was in anger or not. Someone who is in love should NEVER do that. Instead of trying to hurt you like I did, I wish I would have learned how to talk rationally. I didn’t have to always be right. I wish I would have heard this saying YEARS ago…”Would you rather be right, or happy?”. I should have learned how to listen and express myself. I wish I would have known back then how to think instead of react. How to listen instead of be defensive. How to love instead of fight. I am sorry for my anger episodes that always kept you guessing how far I was going to go. I am sorry for throwing and breaking things. I am sorry for pushing you when I did. I’m sorry I always had to have my way. I would throw tantrums like a little baby. I wish I knew then how to act like a man. I wish I could teach that “kid” how to stop and think, then talk it out like an adult. I wish I could teach that boy how to love unconditionally. I am sorry that I took you for granted. I thought that no matter what I did, you would always be there. I should have looked at each day with you as the gift that it was. I should have loved you to the point that you NEVER had to wonder. I am sorry I let my pride get in the way of our love life. I wanted to touch you, to kiss you, to be with you, but I didn’t let myself because of the pride. I would sometimes watch you sleep just longing to touch you but wouldn’t do it. I should have realized what my pride was doing to us, how it was helping create a chasm between us. I am sorry that I left every difficult decision up to you. I know I gave you hell about them too. I should have been an equal partner in the relationship. I should have shared, or even shouldered, those decisions and owned them if they were the wrong ones. I am sorry you had to live like you were walking on eggshells. I was so hard to get along with. I was a jerk, an @sshole, a piece of sh1t that didn’t deserve your love. Wife, I am sorry I didn’t show you the love you deserved. I have no excuses for any of the above. I own it all. You deserved so much better then you got.
Wow - pretty powerful. I'm actually tearing up reading it as I see a bit of myself in your letter.
Things really moved fast with your D, makes me feel hopeful as I'm about 10 weeks 'post bomb' and we're still in the same house, sleeping in the same bed and I'm working my ass off to make the changes I wish I'd made 7 years ago.
Hope you're able to move forward to better things - sounds like that's the case from your letter. Best of luck!
Me-44, W-38 S12, D10 --- EA: 3/20/11 Bomb: 3/25/11 "I'm waiting til June to 'do something'" statement from W: 4/26/11 Still in same house, in same bed
I'm pretty sure it's not very smart to put IN WRITING how you had anger episodes, and broke things, and emotionally abused your wife. Your D may already be final, but you still have legal exposure here.
Brian, What I wouldn't give to get a letter like that. Way to own up to your part. ( High Five)
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
Brian, nice to hear from you again. How goes the weight loss and working out. My son commented to me the other day that Im starting to look like a body builder.
The letter? IDK, I think it was a catharsis for you but If I send something like that to her someday, I will ask for it back and would not want her to photocopy it. Just in case she can some how use it against me.
Sounds like you have your Sh!t together . Keep up the good work.
9
BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
FYI, I'm in the midst of writing a similar letter to my wife as well. In it I talk about my porn, lying and my physicality with her, among other others. Now people are saying that there might be legal implications, but yet, I feel like it's time for me to express to her my ownership of the problems I brought to the marriage. I want to lay it on the table. So which is which?
I don't care anything about any legal issues. I owed it to my ex wife to apologize in writing. I wanted to lay out everything I did and what I should have done. I really don't see how this can be used against me in any way. But honestly, I could care less. I can at least forgive myself now for how I was.
I don't care anything about any legal issues. I owed it to my ex wife to apologize in writing. I wanted to lay out everything I did and what I should have done. I really don't see how this can be used against me in any way. But honestly, I could care less. I can at least forgive myself now for how I was.
And operating from your FEELINGS, instead of from your THOUGHTS, is partially what got you into this mess, Brian.
I'm ALL for forgiveness, and for "owning our own chit" from the marriage. Just do it VERBALLY, and not in writing that can be used against you. You just went through a lawsuit (that's what divorces are) with this woman.
As for "I really don't see how this can be used against me in any way," I suggest you ask your attorney. You're being naive.
