Re cap: H wanted a divorce in Oct. Stayed until March with a lot of daram. The minute he moved out and started dating, ML going away on the weekends to fancy hotels and have a trip planned this summer. He also dropped hints about the future for us. Things were great. I lived alone. OW was out of the picture.
Sunday, I get a message on facebook from someone I do not know. I open it up and it a video of OW, husband is not in the video but the person is saying my H's name...C this one is for you. OW is bowling. I can tell it is from Dec. because of the Christmas tree.
I go crazy. Down right MEAN~ I think it was the worst fight we have ever had in 9 years of marraige. I wasn't listening to reason, I wasn't have him ever again in my life....yada yada yada...you get the picture.
So...during that chaos I must have said meet you at the court house to be DONE. Monday he calls me all pissed off I am not there and hangs up. He wont answer my calls or text. He finally text back and says for me to think about it. Later he text Good Night. I was a sleep. This morning he text good morning. I called him to invite him for BBQ tomorrow. He says OK. He get into a minor R talk and he says...we have both been working on recon. then you act like someone I don't know. He kept saying. I don't know where I am with this at all. He said it 6 times.
Now what?
me:51 H: 48 No kids together M:14 years seperated:Ask him to GET OUT 3/21/11 Piecing 09/14
I want too....But his FB friend remind me of the past. Actually his friends could be in a reality show..."I had it all, now I pretend to still have it all" Not exactly. Most of his FB friends are from Laguna Beach where he grew up. I did not. They are all pulling for him to be happy and yada. It is a very affluent town and he went to a very afluent high school ( He never graduated, but all is forgotten). They think their crap smells good. On the other hand I too had the same upbringing just in BH and not on the coast. I am not a "Dolphin".
He is totally in MLC. He has said so a few times as a joke or to make excuse for his behavior.
When can I have my MLC? It seems like so much fun.
me:51 H: 48 No kids together M:14 years seperated:Ask him to GET OUT 3/21/11 Piecing 09/14
If I think a close honest look at the sit and at myself...I pounced when I had the chance to SABATOGE any efforts that I have made. My mom says that is exactly what I did. I changed, or I should say mad life changes and he did not. He was/is the same person.
Had this e-mail been sent to me 5 months, ago...I would have sat on it and been the perfect wife...the pleaser, oh make it all go away wife. Sunday, I did sit on it. Maybe for too long. After two hours I was as angry as a wet hen!
See, when this all was unfolding in Dec/Jan I was a scared wet hornet. No where to go. No place to call mine. I have done a lot of work. Then I exploded....months and months of "make it go away" all came out.
I'm not proud. Feel relieved and damn him if what I said was crazy. It "musta" felf good at the time, because I kept going and going and going.
Here was my rule that I broke: I count to my age (46) before I lash out or respond to anyone in my life if I don't have a positive to say. It worken for the last 6 months. I blew it.
On a happy happy happy note. School ends on Friday and I have all summer to concentrate on my granddaughter. Where did the last 7 months go? Oh I know...any guesses?
I am so bummed that I spent 7 months trying to make my marriage work, when I had a granddaughter in Nov. that I could of, should of been with. In the end the result is the same...my marriage seems to still be on his terms and conditions and I spent wasted days wondering. I should have been blowing bubbles in the wind with my granddaughter.
me:51 H: 48 No kids together M:14 years seperated:Ask him to GET OUT 3/21/11 Piecing 09/14
That "friend" was incredibly cruel to send that to you. (WTH is that about?) Don't open anything from them again.
If you cannot or will not ever forgive, which requires letting go of this, then what's the point of your h trying to recon?
You know the video was taken months ago...so it IS the past...didn't happen today.
BTW, I don't understand the references to where you two grew up, or had money or didn't have money, or why his not graduating from high school is relevant...at all. Do you bring that up to him? I mean, it sounds like a grudge from the past and it's another issue that needs to be dropped or fixed...mostly dropped.
You cannot reconcile if you keep staring in the past, you have to live "from this day forward" or you won't make it.
IMO, He's probably worried and thinking, "I thought we were past that and working on our M now"...
but then you brought up something from the past that he didn't bring up but feels badly about, and you threw it in his face. See, If he has to fear that you will hold it over his head the rest of his life, or throw it in his face every time you are reminded, then it's not going to work for either of you.
Like you, I'm human and it would have disturbed me to see that, but then again, I think I'd have been ticked off at the jerk who sent it mostly. (Why'd they do that to HIM and YOU? If it's a "friend" of his, he needs to know...)
If you are Working on the m -it absolutely requires us letting go of our scorecards from the past.
I realize that is "not fair". So you ask yourself if you want to be right, or happy...b/c unfair things happen in marriages. Some of the m's end...
Can you forgive? (It's a process that won't happen overnight but you have to figure this out soon or it's doomed.).
If the LBSer KNOWS they cannot get past an A, or if the WAS THINKS the LBSer cannot get past it, it's doomed.
SO the LBSer has to try to drop it and the WAS has to be open to trying to earn back the trust but without fearing that a sword is hanging over his head b/c of his past actions...there's work on both sides.
Make sense? The DB books address this. Check it out.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Uggg...things have gone from awkward to down right shitty. We had a blow up 8 days ago. He came over once for dinner, but did not spend the night. Saturday we went to the horse races and while it was awkward things were OK....until the end.
I never change blah blah blah....he wants the divorce. He dropped me off and left.
Yesterday very min. contact. Today I sent him a good morning text and got nothing back for 2 hours. All he said "Yes it is" I felt that was rude.
Back to basics. Is it now time to go totally dark? AND, what is the purpose of it?
me:51 H: 48 No kids together M:14 years seperated:Ask him to GET OUT 3/21/11 Piecing 09/14
Going dark is to step back and remove yourself from the sitch. It's not to punish the other person, it's to center yourself.
In my case, I went totally dark after a year of back and forth with my W. It was easier for me to have no interactions with her than deal with the OM and that drama. Think of it as a time out for yourself.
It's tough, but in some ways much easier. I miss my W but it's easier with my GAL activities. Only you will know if it's time or appropriate, and trust me, you'll know.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
