my heart is breaking

[AloneAt35]

Kermit,

I also prayed for your sitch (a few days ago after feeling I was being directed to stop JUST praying for my own sitch and yours popped to mind!). I don't know if there is strength in numbers, but it seems like your husband's heart is softening - or as jbnati says, he is confused! I'd rather he be confused about you than saying the cold words he was saying several months ago.

I sooooooo wish there wasn't an OW involved in my sitch - confusion is soooooooooo much more hopeful than coldness (and knowing they are with the OW!)

And happy birthday! I hope it is a good year for you and the start of even BETTER things to come!

[kermitdfrog]

Thanks for your responses and Birthday wishes jbnati, Kaffe Diem, Country-Song, Royloveshiswife, DoggySector and AloneAt35,

Doggy, I loved the great info about Codependent Anonymous! It really does sound like my H has heard this stuff from others, or read about it. He does seem to have the attitude that we "need" to be apart. We aren't healthy. (He says things like "We don't make each other better." "Marriage is a dance. And we don't dance well together" and all this type of garbage) Hopefully he will come off the pink cloud soon. Is there anything I can do to help that process along?

Thank you, Alone, for praying for me. I know you are dealing with an OW, but if you keep being the best person you can be, eventually that OW will be gone (they almost always are gone at some point) and he will look back at you and realize how stupid he was to let you go. My goal for my behavior through this has been to "take the high road" in all situations. In the end, we will look better. I will keep praying for you.

So, tonight was the concert. It was a great night for the most part, but after he dropped me off and I was alone in the house, I sobbed for a half hour. Sometimes I think the closer to "normal" we get, the more obvious it becomes that we aren't normal. Does that make any sense? I love being with him so much, and I kind of get in the groove of being with him....and then he leaves. I hate it!

He picked me up at around 5:00 and we went and had a quick dinner. Then we went to the concert (the groups Styx and Yes. Styx has been my favorite band since the 70s and I have seen them a million times, but I adore them) H was very generous, offering to buy me a tshirt (which I accepted) and two expensive margaritas in keepsake glasses, which were expensive. I point all this out because my H has ALWAYS been a tightwad. He doesn't like to spend money. But tonight he was very generous. Why????

What really bothered me, though, was that he did not touch me at all. No arm around me in the seats, no hand holding. I guess I am getting greedy. A month ago I would have been thrilled with a text message. Now he is taking me to a concert, took me to lunch on my birthday, and sent me a card for my birthday that was ALMOST a little romantic. I guess I can't expect everything to be normal. It just hurts because in the almost 30 years we have been together we have gone to tons of concerts, and he usually has his arm around me or something. Also, a couple times when I came out of the bathroom he was checking his phone. He said he was reading emails. But of course, in my mind I wondered if he is talking to a woman. No real reason. I'm just paranoid, but how can I not be? I have to get a grip though and try not to think that way because it gets me going down a negative path. I have to try to stay positive.

But again, the hard thing is that I LOVE to be with him. I miss him so much I can't stand it! I want him home!!!! I keep thinking about the birthday card he sent me, and I can't think of any way it could not be a good sign. I mean, why would he have picked out a card like that?? My friend's husband said "As a man, I'm telling you...if he proceeds with the divorce after sending you a card that says 'To my wife, my friend, my love...' then he is certifiably insane". But, my husband doesn't always make a lot of sense. So who knows.

I see my IC tomorrow, who was also H's IC, and he was our MC, so he knows the sitch well. I can't wait to see what he thinks about all of this.

Anyway, have a good night everybody!

[~ kd ~]

Hopefully he will come off the pink cloud soon. Is there anything I can do to help that process along?

Have you tried fire ants in his underwear...?

[kermitdfrog]

Our MC, who I still see weekly, feels the birthday card H sent me was probably bought on a day that he had some romantic feelings for me. I suppose that's encouraging.

But I swear, as soon as things start to look better, I get more negative. Why is that??? Now I am convinced he is seeing someone else. I have no real reason. I just read in a book that most WAS have another relationship. Well, my H did have an affair...but it was before any of this started. Our C feels that shame is part of the reason he is running away. But he works around a lot of attractive women, and has lunch meetings, etc, frequently with people, sometimes women. Before all this started, I trusted him completely. Now it scares me.

Plus, a woman I knew in highschool is one of my facebook friends. My husband knows her through an organization he is involved in (part of the effort to improve the inner city)
So, I was on facebook and I see that my H's OW from a year ago is now her facebook friend! So it has me wondering...if they know each other, maybe my H still sees her.(since he sees my highschool friend) So, I asked my H. I wish I hadn't because I haven't backslid in two months. He said he didn't know they were friends, but they both network a lot so probably know each other from the business world. So I asked him if he had any contact with OW. He said yes, once in a while they have contact through referrals, etc. But for the most part he has cut off all contact. He said the relationship was over a long time ago and they had both agreed it was a mistake. For some weird reason, I believe him. His voice sounded calm and not at all unsure. I really feel that relationship is over. But I worry he is or will be in another. I just hope he feels, morally, that it is wrong to date until a divorce is final.

The other thing...his mom is still very ill, and I went to the nursing home tonight. He and I went to dinner. He is still nice, but super preoccupied. I suppose that is to be expected since his mom is so ill and he is stressed about not getting enough work. But I always feel it is about me. And I went back to his mom's house with him for a bit and saw in his bedroom two books about codependency. He had mentioned that once before (see one of my earlier posts). So, I said "Oh, you read books about this. Who told you about codependency?" He said "oh, I just read about it" (I think someone told him about it) so I did a little bit of lecturing. Saying our C says it is garbage, that all marriages have codependency, etc. I stopped fairly soon, but it was another backslide I think. I was doing so well, and now I am slipping and feeling very negative. I don't know why.

So many "positive nuggets" are happening (as my DB coach says) so why am I so negative? I think I am getting tired. I just want him home. I am so tired and sad. Being with him makes me miss him more. And I am really scared that all the codependent stuff has convinced him that the best thing is to end the relationship. Not so! I feel like we can fix whatever is unhealthy about our marriage if he would give us a chance. I am just so afraid that he has himself convinced and has put up a wall, so he won't let his heart open back up. And since he has no romantic relationship (including physical relationship!) he will be needy and get involved with someone. I want that someone to be me!

Opinions please. I know I sound pitiful tonight because I am. It's a bad night for some reason. I am trying to focus on the positives from the weekend (see earlier posts) but instead I focus on the negative (why won't he touch me, other than a hug and kiss when we say goodbye?) I also worry that my questions about OW and my comments about codependency will harm things, It has been three weeks since my lawyer sent the "answer" to the divorce papers and I haven't heard anything. I'd love to believe he is putting a hold on things (still hasn't answered the kids) but what if my backsliding hurts that?

I really need to keep remembering the good. The birthday card, the lunch, the concert... I just want him home and for this to be over.

Sorry for the rant. I'm just having a rough day. Any encouragement would be welcomed!

Oh, and Doggy...if he is convinced he has been codependent and needs to divorce because we are "toxic", is there anything I can do to change his mind? Will the DB techniques do that or is the codependency hold so strong on him that he can't back down? God I hope not.

[jbnati]

kermit,
Hold on to those positive nuggets. It's all you have right now. It sounds like you may be letting the negative thoughts override these positive nuggets. It's easy to do - they're only nuggets. This whole journey takes time.

What are you doing to take care of yourself and GAL?

If there was a OW, how would that change your strategy and/or the way you are handling things? Or would it change it?

[ncl]

Kermit,
I stumbled across your thread tonight and have spent the last couple of hours reading it. I want you to know how very much I admire you and how you have handled this tragic situation in your life. I have been married 1/2 the time you have (we have been married 13 years and have four precious young children), and I know how devastated I am by my husband's pressure for divorce...I can only imagine how after 27 years you feel. I'm grateful that you have 2 awesome kiddos, good friends and a strong faith in the Lord. I honestly don't know how people get through a crisis like this without the Lord in the life. Yes, you have backslid at times...heaven knows I do all the time; we are human...but I think for the most part you have handled yourself with dignity, grace, class and to the best of your ability. I pray that this year will be your very best, and I will pray that your marriage and family being restored is God's will. I have no idea why He brings us to problems like this...everything that happens isn't for us to know right now. But I try to remain grateful for all that I do have...my health, the health of my four precious littles (as I call my children), the support of my family and friends, a loving church home, and SO very much more. There are so many more positives in our lives than negatives, even if this very big negative seems to cloud the good at times.
Hang in there! Love to you and yours! lc4