my heart is breaking

[25yearsmlc]

well said Kermit, well said.

As long as you are ready either way, then so be it. Go for it. I am not ever going to say "there is no hope"...

And it sounds as if you are not pinning all hopes/choices on your belief your h will make the right decision.

So I am comfortable with that and the reason I even mention my "comfort level" as if it's a factor, is just that I've seen a FEW people around here for YEARS waiting...and I mean waiting (not GAL and NOT doing 180s, just standing still and calling it "standing for m", you know?)

and in some cases their WAS's have literally married the OPs and had children with them! They are still there, "waiting" and often sort of bragging as if their waiting proves they are pious...saying "all in God's time"...I have seen people here for 4-8 years...literally. I call that being STUCK...

I never know what to say to that.

Yes I have had miracles in my life, I am lucky to say. I just don't believe what they are doing is DBing. I feel like I am watching people wallowing in victimhood and wasting their precious time here on earth Not accepting new reality or adapting at all.


Anyhow, since it doesn't apply to you, it's academic.

Kermit, I didn't know about or recall your h's nastiness and mean behavior. What's that about?

But then again, is that more or less confusing to you about his intent?

Okay I guess your DB coach said it could be he's still confused and that he felt forced into filing. Fair enough. But the notes he writes, that's not new, right? it's just not consistent with his other behaviors??? The nasty comments, then the nice ones, and the notes and then the filing...sheesh, talk about a rollercoaster. More like a seesaw...

Do you have an internal timeline that you can manage to cope with this, (at which point you'd emotionally completely detach)

or are you fine with it going on ad infinitum? I know the divorce may happen regardless...but for your sake, do you need one?


I am not suggesting either. But I did have, eventually, one in my mind. Of course, I had a pretty long one by most people's standards. I knew when my d1 graduated from high school, I'd have to make a decision. Lucky for us, that's about 6 months after h and I chose to begin piecing. And that was 2 years after h left, with frequent visits the first year, less so the 2nd.

Anyhow, what is up with your GAL and 180s?

Universally, the advice around here has a common theme, which is to focus on yourself. There's a reason for that.

Sounds a tad selfish but it's the opposite. It's like a 12 step program in a way.

For me, DBing was a spiritual awakening much like 12 step programs can be For me it was like this==I'm summarizing...

"Acknowledge a power greater than myself (God) and that I am powerless over my spouses's choices. (HUGE)


Then we do a fearless moral inventory and make the changes we need to make to actualize our potential, (HUGE)

and live our lives truthfully & with gratitude." Also huge AND loving.

Stay on your path Kermit, but maybe we can change that suject from your "heart is breaking" to you are "growing in strength/faith" or something a tad more uplifting???

((( )))

[jbnati]

Now, please understand that I am not a fool. I see the reality and it is that unless something drastically changes, he will divorce me. But I am hoping and praying, Which brings me to my next point.

I don't ever want to force my belief on anyone else. I can only share what I feel. And I do believe prayer can change people's hearts. And I have been told this by pastors and our biblical counselor. I believe God wants my marriage, and all others, restored. I believe he is speaking to my H. Having said that, my H has a choice to make. If he chooses not to listen to God, and divorces me, than I believe God will use that for good. In fact, I believe that is precisely the great thing about DB. No matter the outcome of my marriage, I have absolutely grown as a person. So many people have commented on how much I have changed and grown. Regardless of what H does, that is definitely good. And a blessing.

Kermit, I think this is a good perspective. From my observations and IMO, if he chooses not to listen to God, he will follow a difficult road and he will lose out on the blessings. But that may be exactly what your H needs to grow.

Perhaps it's best to ask God for the strength & faith to handle whatever comes, rather than praying for a specific result or outcome.

Just a thought.

Yes, I think this is a good suggestion. You may want to pray for His will do be done and your acceptance of His will and for the wisdom to see his purpose in all of this.

[kermitdfrog]

Thanks 25 and jbnati,

25, Yes, my H has, on occasion, been mean with his comments. An example: When I asked if we could go slow, date again and fall in love again, he said "Don't want to date you. Don't want to fall in love with you" When I said "What's the difference between starting all over with me, or starting with someone new?" and he said "Because I've experienced you". My DB coach said not to worry about comments like that, though, because they are made when he feels pressured or argued with. Very true. But I give this example (and there are others) to show you that he is definitely not afraid to hurt my feelings. And any time I start to act like we are at all like a married couple, he finds a way to set me straight and make sure I remember the reality. (Back in January, I made plans to celebrate his birthday, very low key. He refused, saying "I'm busy with work, and don't want to pause to rekindle something I'm not interested in rekindling") And this was BEFORE he filed. But yet, we talked every night on the phone, went out on weekends, and maintained a physical relationship. I basically feel like his comments change with his moods or stress level. Or whether or not he feels pushed. And now he isn't being pushed at all, but I think now that he has filed, his pride and stubborness, and determination not to be controlled, is keeping him from stopping the divorce.

As far as a time limit, I feel like I will know in my heart when it's time to give up. It's only been a month since he filed, so I'm not even close to giving up. I attended Divorce Care, and the leader told me that if I have the desire to restore my marriage, God put that desire in my heart and I should honor it. He said if it is ever time to quit, I will know it. And at this point I have no desire to give up.

Yes, there are some who will stand for their marriages for years. If you check into "Rejoice Ministries" their whole message is that eventually, your spouse will return if you pray, try to improve yourself (not unlike the DB message), and wait patiently. Remarkably, they have many testimonials of marriages where that happened. And Divorce Care says that MOST spouses who file for divorce eventually want to return. But usually, the LBS has moved on to another relationship. So the message of perseverance is not uncommon. The question is, Can you wait? And I don't judge anyone who chooses to wait, and I don't judge those who choose to move on. We all have to listen to our own hearts. How long will I wait? Until I no longer want to. It's really that simple.

jbnati, I do pray for God's will. The confusion comes from the fact that marriage restoration IS God's will, yet it doesn't always happen. In those cases, I feel like God will help us to thrive in spite of our pain. God doesn't ever waste pain. And I do pray for my H. Not only do I want him back home, but I do worry about who he has become. He was always a MUCH better Christian than I was. I just can't believe how his priorities have shifted. There is no OW (as far as I know) but his job is his obsession. I just can't figure out, though, why his career seems to have totally taken off since he left. Like his leaving me is being rewarded. I question God on that, but I have to trust that He has a plan.

Getting ready now to meet a friend for dinner. Have a great weekend!

[jbnati]

IMO, it sounds like you have a good perspective on things.

jbnati, I do pray for God's will. The confusion comes from the fact that marriage restoration IS God's will, yet it doesn't always happen. In those cases, I feel like God will help us to thrive in spite of our pain. God doesn't ever waste pain.

Amen. I agree totally. I think this is where faith comes into play. I hope you are feeling closer to God now than when this all started. Who knows? He may be equipping you to be a stronger woman and you will be able to help others. You never know.

I feel like we're in a similar boat here. Know that I am praying for you.

[kermitdfrog]

It's been an interesting couple of weeks.

First off, my H went to Miami to try to "win over" some VIPs for this company he is trying to get a contract with. He expected for them to sign on the spot and send him to Italy for an important meeting they were all attending. Well, he came home from Miami without a contract, and without an invitation to Italy. Now, he still could get the contract. They have invested a lot of time in him, and did not tell him "no", but it hasn't happened yet.
He asked me to go to lunch after he returned, and I could tell he was discouraged. But to tell you the truth, I think it's good for his ego to come down a notch. But during lunch, I was very supportive.

This past week his mom's health has taken a turn for the worse. She now has double pneumonia and is most likely dying. It's been interesting, because I have been going to her nursing home and sitting with her often. This has helped H to work without worrying. He gets to the nursing home in the evening, and we usually have dinner and one night went out for drinks afterward. It has been, strangely, kind of a bonding experience. It has also reinforced, for me, what is important in life. Who cares about money, jobs, etc. Family is all that matters. I really hope H is getting that message, but who knows.

So, today was my 50th birthday. I was dreading it because H and I have shared every birthday since we were 21. Well, it was great. Several friends and family sent me flowers, cards, gifts, dinner, lunch, etc. Best of all, our kids gave me two tickets to a concert I wanted to go to, and ahead of time they asked H if he would go with me, and he said yes, it would be fun and he was looking forward to it. (wow)

Then, H asked to take me to lunch today for my bday. It was great and he even said a few things that were almost flirtatious.

Then, I got home and in the mail was a card from H. It has me so confused, and I have to admit, hopeful. Of all the hundreds of birthday cards he could have bought, here is what it said:

"For my wife, my friend, my love,

I want to thank you for everything you are to me...and let you know that I love the life we share."


then he wrote his own note saying that even with our challenges, he celebrates me and I am very special and that he looks forward to taking me to the concert.



?????? Now, sending me a card is one thing. But there are lots of sweet cards. But to pick one that says

for my WIFE
for my LOVE

and for the return address, he wrote our home address. He hasn't lived at home since December.

So what does it mean? Gosh, I don't know. But for him to call me his wife, his love, and to be basically going on a date with me on Sunday (the concert) I'd be lying if I said I wasn't feeling a bit hopeful. But it seems that as soon as I feel good, the roller coaster starts going down hill again, so I'm prepared.

So I'll let you know how the concert goes on Sunday.

kermit

[jbnati]

Happy birthday, kermit!

I can see why you may be confused. I think your H is very confused.

I hope you have fun at the concert!

But it seems that as soon as I feel good, the roller coaster starts going down hill again, so I'm prepared.

Yes, it's good to be prepared for this.

[~ kd ~]

Best wishes from central NA as well!

[♪CS♪]

I just love your name

Happy Birthday!!!

the roller coaster starts going down hill again

Thank god your not on it.

[Royloveshiswife]

Thank the Lord.I pray for continued improvement in your situation.

[DoggySector]

I have read your story and I am completely new to this, I wanted to share my experience that I had with the whole Codependent Anonymous philosophy that I found myself entangled in at one time in my life. I hope this helps.

My wife is leaving me too for some very similar reasons in that she says that she is "condependent" and uses all the psychobabble buzz words of the C.A. industry. I am a drop-out of C.A.

I came to see that C.A. is destructive and does little to help people but can make them narcissistic. Yes there are people in bad addictive relationships but C.A. is not the answer. It took me years to extricate myself from that mindset of C.A.

Unfortunately your husband will hear by other people who are involved with Codependents Anonymous or read the their books that leaving a relationship is healthy and that he is perpetuating unhealthy decisions by maintaining an unhealthy relationshp due to his "dysfunctional family." What a crock! Unfortunately the crock of C.A. is a public relationships sucess in that people swallow this stuff hook line and sinker.

It is my experience and I speak from personal experience that the more one becomes involved with the philosophy of C.A. the more anger they experience.

The good news is that your husband is on what is commonly referred to as a "pink cloud". He feels a little euphoric but he will come back down to earth at some point and will see that he has made some really bad decisions. It's inevitable.


When he comes off of his pink cloud that maybe the best time to deal with his wanting to leave you. It will come and he will come back down to earth. I hope this helps you.