my heart is breaking

[jbnati]

Glad to hear you had a good evening, kermit. Take the positives out of this, but don't move too fast. Be prepared for the WAS pull-back, too.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

[kermitdfrog]

I think I'm feeling strong and then one little situation and I crumble....

A friend at church this morning, who knows my H filed for divorce, came up to me and asked if my H was dating someone, because she had seen his picture in the society section of the paper with a woman. I went home and looked it up online, and at first, was relieved, because it was the Variety Club formal event (see my post from sometime in May) that a potential client invited him to. The woman is someone who works at the company who has been the contact person he has worked with for the last 2 years, to get him into the company. I've known her name and he has mentioned her when talking about this potential contract with the company. So it wasn't a shock, but when seeing the picture, they looked kind of "together". Posing standing side by side with their arms around each other, all dressed up in his tux and her low cut formal. It made me sick. Of course, it is common for people to be talking, and when a photographer tells them to pose, they put their arms around each other. But they just kind of look like a couple. Now my imagination is running away from me. Why was he so secretive about going to that event? She works in an area where he has another client, and often has bank transactions (online) from near there. I always assume it is from the client that he works with near there, but what if he is having lunch with her??? I am just letting my mind go crazy. I am trying to calm down so I don't ask him the next time I talk to him. I just always want to be reassured, which I think drove him away the last few months. I don't think he was seeing anyone then, because he was with me every weekend, but now that he has filed, I don't see him much. And maybe to him, filed means single. To me, we are married until the divorce is final. I know I am going a little nuts here, but I am just venting so that I get my fears out of my system (and not on him).
So there....I feel better. In my gut, I really think my work-addicted husband was just posing with a prospective client. He works with a ton of women. But the shock of seeing him, dressed up, with another woman makes me want to throw up. But I'll get over it.

Another thing....my DB coach told me to watch the last 15 minutes of the movie "The Story of Us". I had seen it years ago, but oh my God. I highly recommend the whole movie, but the last 15 minutes had me crying my eyes out. The wife plays a slide show in her head of their lives together..I do that a lot. Then, her monologue after that sounds just like me. It is so touching and sweet and I believe sums up everything that we LBS's feel. I highly recommend it, and I see why my DB coach did.

Thanks for reading and have a great 4th of July.

Kermit

[2stepboogie]

Hello Kermit,

I promised I would look at your thread and I am sorry I have been a little absent I have been dealing with some drama this week. However it has taken me a few days to read your sitch so that I can get a good perspective on what is going on and a person with such a cool screen name deserves a double take. Most sitch are pretty similar in nature but it is in the details that we really get to know the posters and the sitch.

How sad as I read your sitch, so much time spent together and it is good that you have acknowledged some of your contributing factors so early on, be careful because there is a very real difference between an honest self assessment and taking on entirely too much blame.

Us LBS have a tendency to take the lions shares of the blame and for sometime it remains the case but as time passes and you start to lift the guilt goggles and see more clearly you realize your true actions and start to eliminate the guilt over things that you had little control over or were just another attempt by our spouses to rewrite history.

I don't believe for the majority of us you need to do a complete overhaul of who we are, some changes need to be made surely but who you are at the core should remain the same.

If my car has dirty oil I don't buy a new car, I get it changed. It is the same thing with us. If we contributed certain things to our M demise then we address the areas that have become a problem area but you maintain those things that made you who you are and bring back that person who your husband fell in love with. I had a hard time with this after only 10yrs I can imagine it will take some time for you.

I would recommend to not be so quick to jump to conclusions about your H, things are rarely what they appear. Now do trust your gut and sometimes our intuition is right, however, in times like this we have a hard time finding the difference between our gut and our emotional desperation.

I have tried almost every DB "tool" you can think off.

180

No R talk

No pressure

GAL

Act as If

You name it I have done it. Some worked for me and some did not. I will say this. There is not one blanket approach to this stuff every sitch is different in detail but the same fundamentally.

Find your independence and do it quick. There is nothing more attractive to a man, especially one that has been with a woman for a long time, than to be independent and to give the impression that you are moving on without him just fine.

As a man........it drives us nuts.

Find a hobby and concentrate on that.

Start to get busy. Find things that you like to do and go out and do them.

I know some of these things seem like I am asking you to climb Mount Everest when you are in a world of constant pain and suffering BUT I promise you that the sooner you muscle through these things the sooner you will be on the road to recovery.

Think of it this way.........

What you have done up till now has not worked to well for you......

How about trying something different? Worst case scenario it does not work and you change your strategy and do something that does work.

Where most people fail is that they struggle with the concepts because they are so emotionally wrapped up that they don't make much progress. Simple things the spouse does tends to unravel all the progress we think we have made.

Detach is important not just for you but for the M itself because the more detach you become the sooner he is going to wonder WTH is going on. Wondering is good.

Please don't fall into the trap that you think detaching works on Mondays but not on Tuesdays. You will know when you have really started to detach.

You know how?

When they give you hope and it does not affect you.

When you go a full day, don't talk to him and did not even notice.

Stay strong and stay with us.

25MLC is a great poster and a successful DBer so you are in good hands.

I will be checking in with you from time to time to see how you are doing.

2step

[missmyfriend]

kermit, thanks for stopping by my thread. I really appreciate your comments and you have some very good information you provided.

I would like to share some things that I hope is not unwelcome. Plus I am not being critical of you or what you are doing. To be honest, you are reacting to your situation in an honest way. You do need to (privately) acknowledge how you've been hurt. You need to properly grieve. If your H had passed away, you would be expected by everyone to cry and play back all of the moments you have had together. No one has the right to tell you how long you should mourn (and I am not saying anyone here has given you bad advice as I see a lot of excellent advice). The same can be said of losing your spouse the way you have but what adds to the pain is that your spouse has "willingly" removed himself from the marriage.

Not to minimize the pain lost through death because I would still prefer to have lost my W this way rather than her loss of life. At the same time, there was a choice by our spouses to leave. They wouldn't agree that they had a choice but they did. We all have choices.

In fact, that is why so many are encouraging you to utilize the DB tools because they do work. Many of the tools are designed to help the LBS deal with the issues that have been thrust upon them and to help stop the damaging actions/words we use to try and hang on to our spouse.

Do not hesitate to say how you feel on this board. I understand that you are venting here and you should feel free to. The downside is that the people on this board cannot tell whether you are acting out what you are sharing or simply sharing. The other concern is your emotional well-being and the people here care about you. They see you hurting so they want to share with you what has helped them. I think they are beautiful people who have so much depth and concern. So many people today want others to suffer along with them but not the average person on this board (I have come across some that participate here that fall into the other group but they dont last long).

kermit, you shared your faith with me on my thread so I hope what I am about to share can help. Please understand that I am not preaching and that I am still a work in progress and don't always heed my advice.

1. Put God first.

I know you love God. I also know that you know that He MUST come first before everything, including your H. In order to have more peace, I have learned that I had to move it from my head to my heart. Everytime I feel hopeless about my situation, I am not putting God first. I still find myself putting my W first at times (in my mind) but I know that if He isn't first, my life will never make sense.

2. Trust in God...with EVERYTHING!

God has promised to take care of you; not to cause you harm and to bless you. While we don't know how things will turn out, we know that God absolutely hates divorce. He detests it. He said so. Trust that He will take care of you.

Are you expecting more in my list? Honestly, that's it. I can go into more detail but the fact is that God has to come first and we need to trust Him with everything.

Yes, God gave us free will. We have free will to decide what we do and how we do it. However, there is something that many people miss that is clarified in the bible numerous times.

We have free will but God's will can supersede our own. He will let us make our own decisions but if they are counter to His, He will make things very, very challenging for us. I can't say what God's will is for your life or what He will do with your marriage. I have no idea what He will do with mine. But I do trust Him absolutely (and sometimes I forget that and start feeling depressed).

I also wouldn't worry about what happens, who says what or if your kids do something that may drive your H away. You have no control over others. I had to learn that the hard way. I used to worry about what the kids would hear, what they would say or do, what a relative may hear, friends, etc. I cannot control that and I no longer want to control things (it was delusional on my part). As the old saying goes, "Let go and let God".

Let go, kermit. Let your H see God working through you.

[jbnati]

MMF, thanks for the post. It spoke to me and I hope it spoke to kermit as well.

kermit, I may add to the above that God's timing is rarely the same as our timing. It appears to me from some of your posts that you may be rushing things along a bit. I believe God has you on this journey for a reason. Perhaps in the end, you and your H will be in a better place than you've ever been.

God has promised to take care of you; not to cause you harm and to bless you. While we don't know how things will turn out, we know that God absolutely hates divorce. He detests it. He said so. Trust that He will take care of you.

Don't forget this!

I don't know about you, but I feel like part of God's plan in all of this is to bring me closer to Him. Other people have taken notice. God can use your situation in incredible ways!

[kermitdfrog]

Thank you 2step, MMF and jbnati,

Your posts make some very valid and truthful points. You can't believe how much I appreciate your advice and that you care, especially since you all are going through your own pain and struggles.
A couple responses:

I definitely sound a lot nuttier here than I actually act or sound in person. That is deliberate. I use this board to get out my raw emotions, which sometimes are a bit irrational and crazy. It helps me process, and gets it out of my system. Believe it or not, I'm rather calm and strong around my H. (most of the time) This board is where I kind of think out loud (or rather in writing!) and kind of explore the pain and hurt. The responses from others help keep me grounded and brings me back down to earth when I am overly negative.

I agree that our spouse's behavior is rarely what it seems. I have learned that over and over. My DB coach said that as well. But I just keep imagining all these women and experiences my H may be having, although I have no real reason to suspect. It is a result, I believe, of the mistrust about the affair last year, and low self esteem resulting from the rejection. Not only the affair but him leaving me.

As most women would agree, nothing hits at your self worth more than the man you love choosing another. (although my H isn't leaving for a woman, he did have a brief affair a year ago) I have begun to question everything about myself. My H is very handsome, but people tell me I am very attractive, as well. (My kids keep telling me I look a lot younger than I am and that I'm "hot") But the only one who matters is my H. Funny thing is, he says I am beautiful, and thinks I worry too much about how I look. Maybe he's right. But the rejection has made me question everything about myself that I used to be proud of. I know that's wrong, but I feel like if the man I have loved for twenty eight years no longer wants me, and had an affair, the OW must have been better than me. I also feel a ton of guilt about my part in our marriage problems. As I've said before, my H really was a MUCH better H than I was a W. I admit it and I hate myself for it and wish he'd give me another chance. Don't worry, my C is helping me get over the guilt, and he thinks I've made a lot of progress.

I know I have to put God first. I know I have to trust Him. It is so hard for me because I really am a person who likes to be in control. I am a planner and a fixer, and I can do neither one in this situation. I just need to sit back, do what I can do to better myself, and take my hands off of it and let God work. I often wonder if God put all this in place to get my head straight. Before I was so consumed with our "perfect" life. Now none of that superficial stuff matters. All that matters is my relationship with God, and my loved ones.

The whole subject of God's will confuses me. My Christian MC says it is ALWAYS God's will to restore a marriage. And although my H has free will, God will lean heavily on him to comply. as well as put people in his path to speak truth to him. So I wish it would hurry up and work! (jbnati, you are so right! I rush things! Patience has never been one of my strengths!)

Today has been another sad day, since it is the first 4th of July I've had without H since we were 20 years old. But I am trying to keep busy and keep my mind off of it. I laid out in the sun, talked to friends on the phone, and will have dinner with my S before he goes out with his friends. It's another hard day, but I will be ok.

Have a good night, everyone!

[jbnati]

The whole subject of God's will confuses me. My Christian MC says it is ALWAYS God's will to restore a marriage. And although my H has free will, God will lean heavily on him to comply. as well as put people in his path to speak truth to him. So I wish it would hurry up and work! (jbnati, you are so right! I rush things! Patience has never been one of my strengths!)

Yes, I hear you there, kermit. I think when we try to figure out God's will and purpose on our own in our situations, we making God too small. His will and plan is much bigger than we can imagine. I also believe He hates divorce.

Is your H still going to church right now?

[kermitdfrog]

jbnati, I honestly don't know if H goes to church. He stays with his mom and she has been so ill, I doubt they have gone. But I don't know. Before he said he wanted a D (in April) while we were working on the marriage, he came home every weekend and we went to church. But he no longer spends the weekends at home.

D left today to spend 10 weeks in Arizona for a PT clinical (she is getting her doctorate in physical therapy) Last night she, S and I were planning on going out to dinner. D had mentioned it last week to H, and just like he did last week, he called and asked if he could join us. Again it was great. It felt just like it used to (especially before last summer when he told me he didn't want to be married to me) No tension, just the four of us together. After dinner we went out for frozen yogurt. At one point he smiled and winked at me. He used to do that. Also, throughout our marriage, he frequently left me notes saying "I love you. Have a great day!" or something similar. Well, last night he went in our bedroom to get something, and after he left I noticed he had left a note on my nightstand that said "I had fun tonight" There was no "love" in the note, but I still feel good about it. He didn't have to leave me a note. It was sweet of him to do it. And again, why would he do these things if he wants to divorce me? He has to know it would confuse me or lead me on. Especially, because notes were one of the special little romantic things he used to do. I also got a hug and kiss when he arrived, and when he left. But, yet, the divorce continues.

However...it's been two weeks and he STILL hasn't given the kids an answer to their intervention. Have no idea what that means. His mom is still very ill, and in the hospital, and his siblings have been in town so I know he has been tied up with that.

He left for Miami tonight to meet some important people in the company he is trying to land that contract with. The bad thing is the woman in the photo from the fundraiser dinner works there so I kind of hope he doesn't get the contract. But, to him I have been very supportive. I offered to spend time with his mom at the hospital over the weekend so he could be worry free on the business trip. Maybe it sounds fake, but I really am trying to be supportive. Plus, offering to do that is a definite 180.


I have discovered that Friday nights are the hardest for some reason. I come home from work after a long week, and just feel so alone. Weekends were spent with H. At least my son is here, but will be going back to college next month. Usually by Saturday, I have gotten busy doing things, so I'm hoping that will be the case. I will lay out in the sun again, get some things done around the house, and meet a friend for dinner. Sunday is church, out to lunch, then go see my MIL.

Time marches on...

[25yearsmlc]

Oh Kermit,

So sorry to see that the prior course of action has continued.

There is not likely to be a verbalized "answer" to the kids intervention.

His continued course of action is his answer. If it changes, you'll know.

I'm a believer in God, but I know divorces still happen.[b] Bad things happen to good people.[/b]We know this.

While I don't think this act of your h comes from God at all, I also know that there's no use in assuming He will solve all our problems while we are here on earth.


Perhaps it's best to ask God for the strength & faith to handle whatever comes, rather than praying for a specific result or outcome.

Just a thought.

As for the notes from your h, I agree it would be confusing if this were new behavior. But it's not.

Your h is one of those "amicable" types who wants to be a nice guy WHILE divorcing his wife.

There are worse problems to have, but if his kindnesses are misinterpreted by you, your progress will be hindered and possibly stopped.

I think his actions (leaving, staying gone, and filing for divorce) are clear enough.

Sorry... I know it's confusing but to me, unless and until he

SAYS and ACTS as if he wants back into the marriage, I think you have to keep on keeping on, and detaching

and GAL and moving forward as if a pending divorce is the reality of things. B/c for now, it is.

((( )))

[kermitdfrog]

Thank you 25

I always appreciate your advice. I do have a couple of things that I don't agree entirely on.


First, I understand what you are saying about my H's actions not being new. However, I don't agree that he is only trying to be a nice guy. Believe me, there have been plenty of occasions where he has been the farthest thing from nice. Many of his words have been downright cruel. And believe me, he always seems to weigh his words and actions very carefully.
Even correcting me if I say something that sounds too "hopeful". The last thing he seems to want to do is give me hope.

In addition, my DB coach said those little gestures are precisely the things I SHOULD pay attention to. She said the "big" things and dramatic words are likely not genuine (both positive and negative things) but the small gestures and small slips of the tongue are more likely to be subconscious and therefore real. The WAS is often confused. Yes, he filed, but I pushed him into that decision during a MC session. (don't remember if I described that incident here. It's too long to get into, but it was an ultimatum of sorts) He may have very well made that decision on his own later. Who knows. But all I know is that both our MC and my L have said that his behavior is not consistent with a man who is clear on his decision. And you told me yourself, that 1/3 of divorces filed never go through. So filing doesn't have to be the end of the story.

Now, please understand that I am not a fool. I see the reality and it is that unless something drastically changes, he will divorce me. But I am hoping and praying, Which brings me to my next point.

I don't ever want to force my belief on anyone else. I can only share what I feel. And I do believe prayer can change people's hearts. And I have been told this by pastors and our biblical counselor. I believe God wants my marriage, and all others, restored. I believe he is speaking to my H. Having said that, my H has a choice to make. If he chooses not to listen to God, and divorces me, than I believe God will use that for good. In fact, I believe that is precisely the great thing about DB. No matter the outcome of my marriage, I have absolutely grown as a person. So many people have commented on how much I have changed and grown. Regardless of what H does, that is definitely good. And a blessing.

And, after all, this is called Divorce Busters. I am not for one moment going to pretend that I don't want to "bust my divorce". I think we all do or we wouldn't be here. And one of the rules is "Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel"

So I continue to have hope and try to see the positives. One of the complaints my H had about me is that I am too negative. So I am trying to see the glass as half full. I choose to see glimmers of hope in some of my H's words and actions, but I am still guarded, believe me.

I have no clue what is up with him not answering the kids yet. I can imagine both negative and positive reasons for this. So I just try not to speculate. We'll just have to wait and see.

Thank you so much for your wisdom. I always listen, and you have always helped a lot.