I am the devil....

[tadpole1025]

Fisherman, thamks for the encouraging words. Ever thought of becoming a coach or something along those lines?

You've got some work to do my friend.

No lie there partner. Tons of work!

MHL, I've read some of your posts on here about "Little Friday." I think it is an awesome idea. Mind if I borrow it sir?

It reminded me that I had "DREAMS" for "ME". I had forgotten about the things "I" wanted in "MY LIFE" even if I did not know how to get there I still dreamed about it, imagined it, felt it.

I'm having a little trouble with this buddy. I was trying to think of what would make me happy earlier today after reading your post. I only came up with one answer and I think we all know what that was. Looks like I need to do some more digging.

Hope you had a great Little Friday!

Antonia, thanks for responding as well.

Don't worry about how you are perceived. Her "perception" shifts with every minute.

Do you really think it is that extreme?

It's going to come down to whether she really understands what happened and whether she wants to try to work on things. As long as she is blaming you for this, that, or the other, she is NOT in a position to renegotiate your marriage, and face it, you do not in your core really want a relationship with someone who treats you this way. Remove all that she was in the past. REMOVE IT. Look at the way she is now. YOU DON'T WANT THIS IN YOUR LIFE. It's brutal, it's painful, it's a "relationship" built on her saying jump and you saying how high.

Yeah. I don't like the person she is now. So different from the wonderful person I married and the person she was just one year ago. Yes, the person I know has died.

I've been trying to find anything part-time or full-time. Jobs are hard to come by right now in my state. The volunteer idea is a great one though. Thank you.

*** LATEST UPDATE ***

The other night on the phone, I told her that I was going to the IRS to take care of some tax issues this week. (I'm really going to see if she pulled a fast one me.) I think she knows this because she has called S18 three times this week to see if I have gone yet. I think she knows what she did and knows that she may get caught.

This afternoon at about 5:00 I'm in the car. I get the following text from her right out of the blue:

"YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED AT ALL."

WTF?

I did not respond......

Tad

[AJM]

Nor should you respond. She is putting the kids in the middle of things. Getting them to spy on you? Really? That's the lowest of low if you ask me. Mine did same many times. Know what I did? I refused to get involved. I did NOT do the same back. I deliberately decided and executed on the idea that I would NOT put NOR allow my kids in the middle of things. I had to keep things from them to do that. It was worth it and still is.

The woman she is now is believe it or not, just about everything she is accusing me of being.(controlling, manipulative, mean.....) Funny isn't it?

Funny? Nope. Sick. It's called projection in many circles. I call it sick. It's disgusting to treat somebody like that and I suggest you not allow it. The good news is that you see it.

Thanks Antonia. I've missed you bunches. If I don't talk to her when she wants to talk, won't I be perceived as an a$$hole? Won't that just validate what she is doing? I guess the question is, how will I know when to talk to her?

Antonia answered this, but let me reiterate - no it does not and NOR does it matter what her perception is. She's warped in her perception, Tad. You know this.

This is the part I don't understand AJ. If she thinks that I am such a horrible person, why in the world would she want to be my friend? It's funny - one day she wants to be friends and the next day she doesn't. (Only because she says that I don't want to.) Yes, I even get blamed for that. She is one messed up chick.

I think you can answer that, don't you? Let me start the answer: she is warped and doesn't know what's real and what is made up in her head. That's a sad place to be and the sooner you get out of her way the sooner she can figure things out. And the sooner it will stop f**ng with your head. Really. Back off and stop thinking about what she does or doesn't do. Start demanding that you be treated with respect. As a human being. It's time Tad. Demand it by not being part of her life. Demand it by going darker. Become a pool that she throws rocks into. Placid. Ruffled for a second and then it's gone to the dark depths. It's not true and it's not right, so let it sink out of sight.

Let me leave you with this: you got some great advice. Do the little friday gig. It's a perfect way to really get things back on track for you. To focus on other things. We can all point to the "loops" that crop up. We can all point to the other "bad" (is that really true that they were bad? I don't think so; I think they were life events but we'll leave that for now) things that happened at the same time our spouses took a walk on the crazy side. When the crazy train left the station. Hell, I damn near had PTSD from some of the stuff I allowed her to do. Until finally I stopped it. One piece at a time. I started enjoying life and I realized the things I missed becuase I worked at trying to save my marriage. In the end, that time wasn't wasted, but then again it was. Tomorrow is promised to nobody Tad. So live it with dignity, with respect, with happiness and damn it, get a life and enjoy it. She cannot help you nor hinder you unless you let her.

I see a lot more progress in your posts Tad. Keep it up. You've been doing great, and will continue to persevere and do great. I can see that you are a strong person and are greater than the events in your life.

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks a bunch AJ. I really do appreciate your help. Hope you don't feel like a babysitter. I just wish I could get to a place where you and a lot of people on this board are. I have been in this hell for roughly 9 months and I have a long way to go.

I am going to take MHL's suggestion about "Little Friday." I think it is a great idea.

You know what? W accuses me of not "changing" but I've had 3 people in the last 2 days tell me that they can see changes in me. Is it that W doesn't want to see them? One of the comments came from S20. He told me last night that I am more of a father figure than I've ever been. That made me feel good.

W sent a text wanting to know if I could pick up S16 from her house this weekend. He was supposed to stay for 2 weeks but now is coming home a week earlier. I told her that I'll pick him up tomorrow evening.

I called S16 and asked what was going on:

M: Why do you want to come home?

S: I hate it here.

M: Is mommy (they still call her mommy) ok with that?

S: She's pissed.

M: Why?

S: She thought that I would want to stay here. I told her that I wanted to go home.

M: Well how do you know she is upset about it?

S: When I told her, she said "FINE!" and left the house.

M: She left?

S: Yeah. She just left.

Crazy stuff isn't it? Today is a better day. Less than a week until Little Friday.

Thanks for everything.

Tad

[MHL]

One of the comments came from S20. He told me last night that I am more of a father figure than I've ever been. That made me feel good.

This is gold.......PURE GOLD.

Way to go TAD!!!!!!!

Let this drive you........

Let this be your inspiration....

Live this role daily....

Show your children how to "love" their mom from a distance by letting her do her thing........she will have to hit rock bottom......

Who knows what that is........don't waste time trying to figure it out and cetrtainly don't sit there watching so that you don't miss it when it happens.

Crazy stuff isn't it? Today is a better day. Less than a week until Little Friday.

Yup it is some crazy chit fo sho!!!

Today and everyday is better and Life is Good and it WILL be GOOD for YOU......

Feel free to indulge in Little Friday activities early if you like.

Have a great weekend!!!

Cheers

[AntoniaB]

Congrats on the compliments you're receiving. I know exactly what you mean when you notice that other people are starting to talk about how much you're changing but you deny it. I did the same thing. People kept saying "you don't understand, we see dramatic changes in you" and I kept saying "no you're wrong."

You're around 9 months, I think you're in a crossroads. You're starting to get your self-respect back, in little bits, and yet your addiction to her and your belief that you need her to be happy/have self-respect is what holds you back in the areas where you get stuck. When we are still codependent and addicted to the WAS, we really believe all their accusations, and as long as we believe them, we feel like if we just fix it all and prove that we fixed it, they'll come running back.

The beauty of breaking that pattern of codependency and addiction is that it is the KEY to us getting our self-respect and self-esteem back. When I was moving in that direction but still mired and stuck, people around me kept saying how great I was doing, and I'd say "you're wrong; you're just saying that." That was because I still was so addicted to him that unless HE was saying it to me, I didn't believe it. And he'd be the last person to say I was doing great. I mean, these people are a mess, no matter what they say. They don't want us being ok or succeeding or HAPPY without them. They want us in their drama. This is why they resist when we go dark. This is why they claim they want the friendship. I mean, on some level, they DO miss the friendship, but they're so unempathetic that they don't realize that if we give them that, we also give up our self-respect and we hamper our ability to heal. Maybe years from now a friendship can be negotiated, but not now.

Anyway because you are hearing the compliments, it means you ARE changing, and you are doing better. You can't accept it yet, but you'll be able to soon. When you do start to accept it, it will be because you are finally taking back your self-respect. You'll start saying look, I'm a good person, and I do not deserve this kind of treatment, and the more you get to that place, the more you'll start to actively protect your own heart and to make big strides in getting your life together without her.

One other thing I want to leave you with is this: when you have a particularly bad day, for whatever reason, start to immediately embrace it. That sounds crazy, but my doctor said (and I've seen this happen tons of times for me so I agree with her) that when you have a big setback, it is becase you have "unfinished business with yourself and the way you are responding to the situation." After a setback, you inevitably reevaluate. If you really think of the setback as an opportunity to "learn" something from it, you will leapfrog ahead after the setback and make some rapid progress.

Setbacks and bad days are opportunities. They stink. But no matter how bad you feel that day, tell yourself, the next move I make is rapid progress because this was an opportunity to evaluate and correct.

[AJM]

[quote]You'll start saying look, I'm a good person, and I do not deserve this kind of treatment, and the more you get to that place, the more you'll start to actively protect your own heart and to make big strides in getting your life together without her.[quote]AMEN!!! Sing it!!!! Tad, this is the gospel truth here. Getting your self-esteem back is critical for you. We've been saying and offering ideas. Celebrating things is a great way to do it. Little Friday it is But this is the why you do it. Little Friday is the how. Or one of hopefully. The more you do it and the more you realize that your self-respect is critical, the better you become. You're doing it Tad. Keep taking those steps!!!

Great stuff. Some of the times suck Tad. But holistically, they are but a point in time and you are still with you. Self respect is critical and you do deserve to have that at any cost.

Keep up the good work, amigo. You are starting to gain perspective. It dawned on me what you're doing. You are trying to develop a story of sorts, to help explain what is happening. I have done the same as has any person out there. It's a deep seated need. The hard part is that you don't have all the pieces to this puzzle. You likely won't because you don't think like that. That's ok, Tad. You can get your self-respect back without knowing all the answers. It becomes surprisingly easy with practice and time. That's because it's not really about you and because you are the sane one. And because you deserve your self-respect for all you have and continue to do.

You're breaking the co-dependency you didn't think you had That's healthy and will take time and practice and effort as well. It's ok though, you have those things in spades...

Be well my friend.

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks MHL, Antonia and AJ. Don't know where I would be without you guys and gal.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Today is more....eh. Don't know why. Maybe it is because I have to go pick up S16 today. I'm not even going to get out of the car unless she asks me to like she has the past 2 times I was there.

Show your children how to "love" their mom from a distance by letting her do her thing........she will have to hit rock bottom......

Will I know when she hits it? I mean, back in April she was telling me how much her life sucked.....

Anyway because you are hearing the compliments, it means you ARE changing, and you are doing better.

I know I am. I still have moments/days....quite a bit of them actually. Other people can see that I am changing. Why can't W?

It dawned on me what you're doing. You are trying to develop a story of sorts, to help explain what is happening. I have done the same as has any person out there. It's a deep seated need. The hard part is that you don't have all the pieces to this puzzle.

Yeah buddy. Just trying to figure out what the hell happened to me/her/us I guess. A year ago at this time, everything was just perfect. Or so I thought.

W still continues to accuse me of not listening, not changing, being controlling......

We have our pre-mediation meeting on Monday at a coffee shop. She wants me to bring a list of all of my debt including regular utility bills and proof of what I am drawing on unemployment. As far as I'm concerned, she doesn't need to know the money that I am getting. I'm not letting her know that. I can't figure out why she would want it anyways unless she is trying to calculate somehow what child support payments may be. Any thoughts?

Thanks

Tad

[DianaJJ]

Hi Tad,

I'm new here and don't have much experience in these matters but I was wondering why it's necessary to have these "pre-mediation" meetings. It sounds like the last one didn't go very well. I think the less your wife knows, the better, but that's just my opinion.

Anyway, wishing you the best.

DianaJJ

[AJM]

Is she bringing the same information?
My thought would be to keep your finances to yourself. Why? Because she said she wanted out of your life, right? Also, because I've noticed, reading these and other boards and talking to other people, that spouses like your W cannot be trusted. I don't think like she does, but if your instinct says she may be up to something, I suggest going with it. Not that you have to be mean, nasty or angry, but that your privacy needs to be respected as well. This has the added benefit of helping with your self-esteem.
Keep in mind that if you go to court, your entire life is on the block. Everything becomes public information. But at this point, not sure why you would.

Oh, and you shouldn't try to guess why. You'll never know for sure. Bad habit.

Have a great weekend!

AJ

[Cadet]

Keep in mind that if you go to court, your entire life is on the block.

Everything becomes public information.

YUP!