My wife and I were married 12.5 years ago after a short courtship. We were only married for 3 month when we were pregnant with our first child. So needless to say we had a short honeymoon. Fast forward to present day. We have 3 kids D11.5, S9.5 and D6.5. They are wonderful angels from God. we own our own home and I work for a telecom company and my wife rus a home daycare (more about that to follow).
My wife dropped the I don't love you bomb in February of this year and like most husbands of a WAW I was completely shocked. We haven't shared the same bed for a couple of years now but I always assumed that was because of my snoring. As I mentioned earlier she run home daycare and has been for over 6 years at our home and 8 years prior to that outside of the home and parttime while she was in school. Now anyone who runs their own home daycare can tell you that after a while there is a pretty high burn out rate because of the stress and constant pressure of raising someone else's kids. Not to mention the stress of never leaving your own home and the constant cleaning and house distruction. So needless to say she has been feeling burned out for some time, but has hung in until we were able to have the kids old enough to look after themselves while we are at work. She is at that point right now. Anyways the point of that story is to show that, that is the reason why I didn't question the lack of intimacy from her, don't get me wrong I knew something was wrong when I was turned away, but I always thought things would get better once the daycare was done. Then she did bomb drop in Mexico when she told me that she no longer loved me... That was made even more of a bomb because I had worked so hard to earn the trip to a 6 star resort so that we could be together and reconnect in the Maya Riviera. I was devastated, but when I got home I got councilling from our Employee Assistace Programme at work which included a copy of Micelles book DB. I knew I had to make changes and I did my 180. I started helping more around the house, spent more time with the kids and even went back to the gym and lost 30 lbs. I thought things were getting better between us until last weekend when my in-laws came to visit. Everything was great I even saw signs of warmth from my wife, that is until the in-laws left. My wife told me later after she dropped bomb 2 a written letter on Tuesday, that she was just pretending for the sake of her parents. I was devastated again. My wife had hinted to me over the past month that I was starting to fall into old habits again and I think that's what triggered the letter. It was tattered and she told me that she had been carrying it around in her purse for a while. I had pushed her about a month and a half ago to make a decision on our R, clearly something I should not have done, and I know that now after reading DR.
If I had to summarize what I learned from Michelles book is that my wife is a WAW, brought on by her "midlife crisis" which is also complicated by a mild to moderate dose of depression from her daycare hell (her words not mine). I am truly lost. I absolutely love my wife and our family, I have built my world around her and our kids and now that is in complete jeopardy, I feel like my world is ending. I can't sleep or eat, and it takes every ounce of my strength to not cry when I see her, let alone not talk about our R. I worry that my wife is one of the third group of WAWs that are just done with no chance of reconciliation, She is that determined. The only glimmer of hope I see is that she was crying when I came to talk to her after bomb 2 (I call it the letter bomb), and that she wants to part on friendly terms for the sake of the children. I told her that I would not give up until I had felt that we had truly exhausted all attempts for reconciliation (therapy). I have come to realize that she would benefit greatly by seeing a therapist (something she refuses to do). She hasen't even talked to her family about what she is going through and they have no idea what peril our marriage is in. I think she is afraid to tell them because she I worried that they will encourage her the go to single or couples therapy. In the last 1.25 years she has lost weight, joined the gym, and likes going out with her friends to the bar or parties on a regular basis (all of which was new behavior for her). Since reading DB I have encouraged her "me time" although I had initially resisted it. It took her away from me. I was jealous of her friends for taking my quality time with her. I know she is not having an EA because I can account for her time. I felt awful for even questioning it, because I do trust her.
I know that she has kept an inventory of every mistake or cruel and unfair thing (things said in the heat of an argument) I have said and done. And now that cup is full, and she has built an impenetrable shell around her. I can't remember the last time she apologized to me or admitted she was wrong about something. Like I said she has hung on to everything and now that is overclouding her memory of everything. In her mind, she has rewritten our history to say she has had no good times in our marriage. I know that is not true, but she can't see it.
She has been harboring all of my past mistakes in her heart and not letting them go, or being able to grant forgiveness. That combined with what she sees as my shortcomings (she says i'm tight with money, a slob, dont do enough around the house to help her, dont spend enough time with the kids, too sedentary and unhealthy) all things that I have made efforts to improve since February, and that's where I am at. She does have some valid points but she is also not being fair or objective either. I go to the gym on a regular basis (3 to 5 times a week), In the last 3 months I have lost close to 30lbs (which was pretty easy because I have no appetite) My doctor only 2 days ago has given me a clean bill of health, in his words I am in perfect health). I have started to make sure I help the kids with thier homework (whenever it's not done already before I get home). I make sure to clean up after myself and cook on the weekends (most workdays I don't get home in time to cook). I do the laundry when she hasn't beaten me to it, and fold and put it in every ones room to be put away (that is part of the kids own responsibilities). I look after the yard mowing grass, pulling weeds gardening etc. I fix what's broken by her daycare business, I pay the bills, I make an effort to do activities with the kids... The list goes on and on. I have never cheated on her, I don't physically abuse her or ignore her, I dont go out drinking and stay out till the late hours in bars, I have been a good provider for our family, I have worked incredibly hard at work (in a job that makes people drop like flies) to make a comfortable life (she has been to Bahamas, Dominican Republic and Mexico on company trips that I have earned for my performance) as well as to Cuba for a vacation that I paid for by working overtime. We have lived in our own home for 8 years that only has 7 years left to be paid in full on a 25 year morgage. I have made conciderable effort to make sure I have put away money for our retitement, and have a nestegg in case of unforseen hardships. I have done everything I can to make sure that she has the newest and most up to date appliances in our home to make our chores easier. I have done my best for her and our family.
I don't think she is being fair and she needs someone who can get through to her. I know that if she had some perspective she would realize how good our life really is. She needs to know that the grass isn't any greener on the other side of the fence and that it probably is dead and full of weeds.
I don't know what more I can do. Do I just need to be patient? That is brutally tough when emotionally and physically she has shut me out. Is there someone encouraging her to make the split? How would I know?
I am starving for her love and her touch...
Please someone help me... What do I do now?
............................................................................................................................................. Need to know
Me 44 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/11 2nd written bomb 06/11
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
Sorry you are here, BUT you came to the right spot.
Ditch the DB book and go get the DR - Divorce Remedy book.
To be honest, complacency is the death of a marriage. Does that mean yours is over with? Nope, but are you ready to do the work?
"In the last 1.25 years she has lost weight, joined the gym, and likes going out with her friends to the bar or parties on a regular basis (all of which was new behavior for her)."
Red Flag: Is there someone else involved? Does your gut tell you?
her "midlife crisis" which is also complicated by a mild to moderate dose of depression from her daycare hell (her words not mine)
Could be a crisis, but depression is real and is usually caused by more than just "one" thing
(she says i'm tight with money, a slob, dont do enough around the house to help her, dont spend enough time with the kids, too sedentary and unhealthy) all things that I have made efforts to improve since February, and that's where I am at.
She is being honest on this, but my question to you is when you hear this, do you agree with her assessment? Do you see this in you?
You bring up WAW, chances are if this is true, it has been a long time coming. There is no magic quick fix for this. As much as time has gone by, time and work is whats going to change this. Here is the key though and I really need you to understand this...
IF you can't make these changes for yourself and you do it only for her, she will KNOW. You have to do this for you and FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Change forever. Can you do that friend?
Good job on the gym and losing weight btw. Don't stop. Get lifting some serious weight too, push your body. Creates testosterone, confidence, and more muscle means you burn more fat.
I read your post but try to keep your thoughts spread out a little and in smaller chunks. People will read, but a wall of text is hard to cover everything. No offense, but easier reading makes it easier to respond
I look forward to hearing from you. Your not alone.
I honestly believe that there is no one else involved.
Yes I believe that she is in crisis. She had a positive job interview yesterday and that really lifted her spirits.
I don't agree with every point of her assessment of me, but some of her points are valid and I am focussing on them for improvement.
I do appreciate her bringing these things to my attention, I feel like I have been "woken up". Truth be told I love spending more time with the kids and have drastically reduced my tv watching to create the time. She had always been the one who had taken control of rearing the kids and I love that fact that now I have that gift back. I also enjoy handling more of the household respondsabilities i find it rewarding and more productive and I feel good for doing them. I can see how they can get overwhelming. I grew up in a home where my mother did all that stuff and that's what I assumed our roles would emulate. I am really happy with the changes I've made so far and although I don't like the trigger for change I appreciate the positive that has come from it. I want to keep my metamorphosis going, it's just tough because it is reversing 44 years if habits. But I can see the benefits in all aspects of my life, in the end, I just want to be a better man (a good role model for my kids and a better husband for my wife) and that will make me feel good about myself.
I thought I had been doing the work but your insight makes sense when I relate it to what my wife has been saying. "you need to do it for yourself". I'm starting to see that...
How can I know that my changes are noticed? What signs should I look for ? How do I be patient?
I know that answer... Just work on myself... See I am learning...
And I will try to keep my posts shorter...
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
I second what Faith says about reading DR, that book would probably benefit you better right now.
I can understand your W's depression about her job, my best friend operates a daycare in her home and she is miserable for the same reasons your W is. Never getting out of the house, kids around 24/7, the damage done to her home, all of that.
I think it's good that you recognize some of your shortcomings and are working hard to change them. Keep it up, regardless of how hopeless you think your sitch may be.
We're all here for you.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
Welcome to the community Johnnie. I hope you will post often b/c that sure helps to build a good support group here.
Your story sounds like so many others here at DB board, but I realize that it's your story and it's personal and painful. Michele is all about solutions, so I hope that we can all put our heads and experience together and come up with good solutions for your MR.
It's good that you can see what she has had to deal with in her daycare and the strain it has been on her personally. Even though you have been a wonderful provider for your family, and you have shown your love for her in many financial and materialistic ways--and giving terrific gifts (trips, etc.), there has been something lacking for her.
I would dare say that she has some emotional need that has not been met by her husband in a very long time. While you were waiting until the daycare to end and the kids to grow up.....you were also neglecting a flower who was sleeping in the other bedroom. If you don't give a flower water and sunshine, it will wilt and dry up until no life is left. That's pretty much how it is for most women.
If you have not read the five languages of love, I suggest you buy it and see if you can determine what your W's love language is.
In the meantime, I want you to prepare yourself for some more "bombs" and "devastation". It takes quite some time for the usual WAW's feeling to wake up and desire her husband and/or care about working on the M.
I'm not trying to discourage you more than you already are, but I'm giving you information you need to prepare for what's coming.
With that in mind, are you willing to to do the work to save your M? Most of DBing is mental/emotional work that you do from within yourself.
The first thing you have to learn is that you cannot "fix" her. You cannot make her change her feelings or behavior by talking to her about the R, trying to force her into MC, or get her to read some book. None of that works. The only thing that will stand a chance in her wanting the M again, is for YOU to become the man she fell in love with (only a better version, if possible).
She's made her list of complaints about you. She even said that you were falling back into your old habits. She will have her doubts that you will stay changed. She will believe you are doing it just to win her back and then you'll revert to your old ways again.
If you try to change just to get her back....you will burn out faster than she did with the daycare! You have to make the changes for Johnnie. You want to be the best man....the best dad......and the best H that you can possible be.
Remember this, don't write any letters, emails, etc. without first running it by here. Not that we want to control your life, but a lot of newbies do that and then come on the board and say, "Help, I messed up!"
You have a lot to learn, so try to take your focus off your W and put on yourself and your kids.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am hurting today because another bomb dropped today when... I noticed today that she has taken off her wedding ring and engagement ring.. I am trying to be strong and not show that I noticed... But, I did. This hurts me so much, I can't stand the feeling of mistrust of her now that I feel, it is just to painful to see her. I went to the movies with the kids and while I was there all I could think about is ...where she is and what she is doing... Do I need to leave? I can't have her so close but so far away.
How can I keep my sanity?
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
I hate to say this, but she is more than likely involved with someone or is receiving external validation that is putting her on the fast track to get out as fast as possible. The going out to "the bars and parties" with her "girlfriends" and these actions are usually a sign. It's not 100% guaranteed, but after reading 100's of post on these boards, it's all too common.
You have to remain strong. You are predictable and hurting right now. She will NOT respect you if you breakdown and tell her your feelings or talk about the relationship right now.
You actually need to continue with the gym and stick to your goals you listed. Consistency. Consistency. Consistency.
Now she's leaving you to go out to the bars and your the good husband staying home with the kids and bettering yourself.
Want to try something different? Become mysterious. Fake being happy right now. DO NOT talk to her about the relationship AT ALL.
Go out and get some clothes, like clothes if you were going out on a first date. Casual, but confident. Get some new cologne and tell her YOU are going out with some friends tonight. Don't tell her too much, just get the kids taken care of and go out. Now, I don't care if you need to take a 6 hour road trip dressed nice, but GO. Make her wonder WTF is happening for a change. It will help empower you and it will make her curious. When she asks whats going on or where you went, be vague. Don't lie, but change the subject.
Your going to hurt bud, but you have got to change the dynamic quickly and MAINTAIN your current changes. Is there anything you can think of that you can roll your time and efforts into that you can fit into your schedule with the kids?
Everything I'm telling you will sound like torture to do, but if you want change, this is worth a shot. Just keep your integrity towards your marriage, but don't be afraid to do something outside your comfort zone.
Here is a cheat sheet with a ton of help in emergency situations. Not all of it applies to everyone but it's a good quick checklist.
Sandi is right. You need to be prepared for all kinds of things that will happen.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Here you go:
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
So sorry you are here. But you are in the right place
You have gotten great advice and I agree with all of it. Please read that last cheat sheet again and again and LIVE by it.
Also, look at my timeline below. My h was gone, living far away, (with some "touch & go's") for 2 years.
Stop counting the days or weeks of this and hoping you'll see a big change.
This takes time...give it the time it deserves if that's your choice.
I also liked the Div Remedy book better b/c the first one spends a lot of time discussing the downside of divorce, which I felt I already understood,
Div Remedy is more about what to DO... And if you can hire a DB coach, I would.
Of all the things I did to get thru that horrible (but ultimately productive) time, the single most important thing was the DBing and coach.
I lost count of how many sessions I had over those 2 years. 12-15 I guess.
SO WORTH IT...maybe you'll pay off your mortgage a month later...'
You are in the right place. Come HERE to vent and ask before you take action or make a comment you might regret later.
While there's no "one thing" to say to get them back, there are lots of things you can say that will push them farther away.
Back off so she can listen to that little voice in her head that says "WTH are you doing?" You'll shut that voice down if you keep questioning/pursuing.
Last, no woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children with their father. It's a turn on, seriously. Be the best dad you can be b/c the kids need you now more than ever, and you need them, she needs to see it, and b/c its the right thing to do.
Keep on keeping on, it DOES get better.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you for the solid advice my friends. (btw i have read D.R.)
I did see some signs of "Life" yesterday. I went to the park with the kids (my 2 oldest) and we played at the ball diamond, just batting and catching. My wife came after with our youngest and she went to the climbers with her (just close enough to see us). I had fun with the kids and soon some other neighborhood kids joined in. When We got home I stayed outside while she watched tv with the kids (I was reading this forum and talking to my youngest d). Later, that evening I went in to watch TV and WOW she was pleasant! Even offering me a snack of nachos. We exchanged small talk like usual, but something was different and that was her tone. It was friendlier and her coldness to me had thawed slightly.
Like most people who are new to this situation, you get so much conflicting advice (from your friends, family etc). You are not sure what will work or if you are following the right path. It was very encouraging to see a glimmer of improvement. I have been trying to be strong and set the groundwork to follow the 5 donts that were pointed out by FaithnAK. I have been doing them to the best of my ability since reading DR on Thursday (2 days after letter bomb drop). Also, I know that 25yearsmlc is exactly right about the loving interaction between a father and his kids. Although I have been that way with them their whole life, she just needed to recognize it.
The only piece of information I can think to add is that I am not able to drive due to the fact that my vision is very poor. So, I depend on her sometimes to drive me where I need to go. I try to keep it minimal, but I am worried that she sees this as a weakness and although it would be shitty for her to admit it, she resents it. I realized this fact yesterday when we went out in the morning to buy some clothes (30 lbs. lost makes everything loose). I made sure to show her what I bought and show my excitement at the reduction in waist sizes. That is not something I have to fake, because I am happy with my progress since the bomb drop in February.
The letter bomb drop on Tuesday was her way of letting me know that she felt pressure from me. The difference I see it is that until reading DR I was pushing her away by being needy and forcing talk of the R. While reading DR on Thursday, I texted her to apologize for the pressure I had been applying and until that point and also let her know that she was about to witness a renewed effort from me, and asking for some time and her patience. Now I HAVE TO stick to the plan. My glimmer of hope from yesterday has proved to me that this program could work, as long as I stay strong and stick to it. For the first time in a long time I feel encouraged.
Thank you again to all of you my new friends, I wish you were here so I could hug you, we are all bound by one thing in common, WE BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE. Thank god I found you in time (hopefully).
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
